One of the reasons I know I get so angry about men policing women's speech is because I grew up trying so hard to "crack the code" of avoiding violence. My teenage diaries are full of this obsession with "getting it right next time". >
When I look now, I can see there was never any "right answer". Perfectly sane behaviour could be deemed crazy one day, normal the next. The instability and changing rules were kind of the point, but I still felt such a failure for not finding the magic key. >
I see echoes of this in the way women twist their phrases, rephrase, concede parts of language, politely ask to keep hold of others, but no, the rules always change - because the central rule is, you will always end up in the wrong. >
The dogwhistle, red flag, look-what-you-made-me-do language is just whatever you say. It becomes that because it's you saying it.
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