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David Burge Profile picture
@iowahawkblog
Feb 10, 2022 • 14 tweets • 3 min read • Read on X
Scrolly
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Another bold plan from the Harvard Institute for Removing Giant Trucks From Bridges Image
Gotta say I did not have "Land War With Canada" on my 2022 bingo card.

I recommend we launch the Marine invasion during the Olympic curling final, when they're all distracted
They will greet us as liberators, with flowers and Tim Horton's donuts
Don't worry, this plan has all been war-gamed out by Harvard's Best and Brightest on the Kennedy School rec room rug, with Tonka trucks and GI Joe action figures
Of course we will need a brilliant, battle-hardened Patton to lead Operation Truck Stop Image
triggered by, milking the rich inexhaustible comedic value of, tomay-toh, tomah-toh

My plan to clear trucks off the bridge? Announce $1 lap dances at all the Windsor titty bars. But hey don't listen to me, I didn't go to Harvard
yeah, in high school I used to change split rim truck tires at Ben Fish & Son in Sioux City. Closest thing I've experienced to a D-Day invasion. Ceiling had circle marks in it from rim pops
Hear me out on this: we should send covert CIA operatives to fund a proxy war by exploiting the long-simmering tribal tensions between the Canadian Big Rig Drivers and the Canadian Big Rig Tow Truck Drivers
Truly the Clausewitz of impotent faculty lounge rage
I'm beginning to think we need to start de-escalating this trucker situation

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Jan 16
I'm not sure if you could possibly come up with a better example of an own-goal tweet
We you're having fun dunking on Trump's second-hand Nobel and this mf decides to join in Image
For everybody who's over the age of 12, behold the most undeserved Nobel Peace Prize of all time
bbc.com/news/world-eur…
Read 5 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jan 13
Man this sounds awesome, do the Jews have an 800 number
brb, I'm downloading the Jewber app on my phone
"Your Jewber order will arrive in 3 minutes" Image
Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jan 10
Happy Spindletop Day to all who celebrate from Dave's Car ID Service! 125 years ago today, the first major oil discover in the United States happened at the Spindletop oilfield outside Beaumont Texas, when the 200 foot high Lucas Gusher heralded a brave new world.

That bounty of dino juice created generations of brash new money Texas oil barons, paved the way for Exxon and Texaco, and largely ended the debate of gasoline powered vehicles vs steam vs electric. For better or for worse, the 20th century would be internally combusted.Image
Apologies for the slow start to my car identifyting rounds today, thus this thread intro will be short. But I will note that one of the coolest things that resulted from the Spindletop Big Bang was the rise of petroleum advertising signage. A few examples of which I shall now share, without elaborate explanation. Neon!Image
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Porcelain enamel! Image
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Read 11 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jan 7
Are you crying? THERE'S NO CRYING IN BOLSHEVIKBALL Image
All these pampered overrated 5 star suburban recruits from the Seven Sisters Conference turn out to be complete busts in the Professional Commie League
Image
Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Dec 26, 2025
Ma'am "1984" was dystopian speculative fiction, not an instruction manual
Censorship is Speech

Stagnation is Vibrancy

I Won't Come In You Mouth
My rule of thumb is to never take seriously anybody who unironically uses the words "vibrant" or "robust"
Read 7 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Dec 20, 2025
Fretting out a last minute gift for that car lover who has everything? Worry no more, today's Dave's Car ID Service has you covered with our annual Christmas Gift Guide!

Watch Dad's eyes light up when he rips open that box containing ginchy goodies to doll up his beloved 1936 Chevrolet! My favorites are the fender skirts, super deluxe hot water heater, and rear view mirror with clock. Don't let Dad down - demand Genuine Chevrolet Accessories!Image
But why only dads? Let's not be chauvinists here. Plenty of gearhead moms and other special gals who might appreciate an automotive gift under the tree. Why schlep to the mall for a mindless diamond trinket, negligee, or vaccuum cleaner when you could give her the gift of Fordite?

Yes, you read that right, "Fordite," a/k/a "Detroit Agate." Diamonds might be a girl's best friend, but Fordite is the thinking woman's diamond. Imagine all the other gals at the holiday cocktail bash going green with envy when she shows up sporting earring, pendants, and bracelets made out of these unique-as-a-diamond babies. Little do those jealous Janes realize they're made out of the polished hardened slag from old Detroit car factory paint booths!Image
Smoke 'em if you got 'em! If that special gearhead of yours also enjoys puffing away like Bogart or Bacall, how about a vintage Firestone tire ashtray? The one in #1 is from the 1933-34 Chicago World's Fair.

If your gift budget is a little more copious, your little lady will go ga-ga for a 1942 DeSoto cigarette-dispensing steering wheel. A valuable safety feature that let her keep her eye on the road while lighting her lung dart.

But for the ultimate coffin nail car gift, how about a genuine electric steering column-mounted Pres-a-Lite? A true wonder of Bakelite technology, it dispenses a LIT cigarette with a simple press of a button.

PS - don't forget to wrap them up with an accompanying carton of Chesterfields, the brand endorsed by Hollywood star Ronald Reagan!Image
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Read 14 tweets

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