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David Burge Profile picture
@iowahawkblog
Feb 10, 2022 • 14 tweets • 3 min read • Read on X
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Another bold plan from the Harvard Institute for Removing Giant Trucks From Bridges Image
Gotta say I did not have "Land War With Canada" on my 2022 bingo card.

I recommend we launch the Marine invasion during the Olympic curling final, when they're all distracted
They will greet us as liberators, with flowers and Tim Horton's donuts
Don't worry, this plan has all been war-gamed out by Harvard's Best and Brightest on the Kennedy School rec room rug, with Tonka trucks and GI Joe action figures
Of course we will need a brilliant, battle-hardened Patton to lead Operation Truck Stop Image
triggered by, milking the rich inexhaustible comedic value of, tomay-toh, tomah-toh

My plan to clear trucks off the bridge? Announce $1 lap dances at all the Windsor titty bars. But hey don't listen to me, I didn't go to Harvard
yeah, in high school I used to change split rim truck tires at Ben Fish & Son in Sioux City. Closest thing I've experienced to a D-Day invasion. Ceiling had circle marks in it from rim pops
Hear me out on this: we should send covert CIA operatives to fund a proxy war by exploiting the long-simmering tribal tensions between the Canadian Big Rig Drivers and the Canadian Big Rig Tow Truck Drivers
Truly the Clausewitz of impotent faculty lounge rage
I'm beginning to think we need to start de-escalating this trucker situation

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Oct 15
I don't understand why anybody would spend one second minimizing or defending somebody else's murder fantasy texts or chatroom Nazi shtick. I'm lazy and that shit seems like it'd be totally exhausting
Sure, it's easy and "fun" to merciless drag some unfortunate obese unattractivee professional political staffer after their career is ruined by a chat room leak. And this is my entire point, it's easy AND extremely fun
By "young white kids" do you mean 35 year old paid political staffers? Yes, by all means, I'm absolutely all-in on gleefully ruining their careers

Read 10 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Oct 11
Today's #DavesCarIDService crosses the streams on two of my avid interests, American cars and American college football, with a salute to the Cars of the Big Ten.

Yes, there are 18 schools in the Big Ten. I'm sorry if you don't get ironic Midwest humor. The quality of its football versus other conferences is debatable, but there's no debating that it encompasses America's historic vehicle-making region. Not just Michigan, every state represented in the Big Ten played a non-trivial role in America's car history. Even the Johnny-come-latelys who ironically pushed the school count above Ten.

To illustrate, I have selected a vehicle to represent each university in the conference, one that was made nearby.

Illinois: there were over 100 car companies founded in the state of Illinois, most in Chicago. But since UI is in Champaign-Urbana I selected one made downstate: behold an 1898 Duryea Peoria Motor Trap. The Duryea brothers were born in nearby Canton IL, and this 127 year old baby is still driving the streets of Peoria.

Indiana: Hoosiers rank only second to Michigan in importance to Michigan in car history. IU, your all-star is a 1915 Indy-made Stutz Bearcat, the Bugatti Veyron of the pre-WW1 era.

Iowa: the Hawkeye state had a few notable marques; including Colby and Maytag-Mason. But its claim to Automotive fame are native sons Fred & Augie Duesenberg. In #3, Eddie Rickenbacker driving one of the first Duesenberg branded cars ever made, a 1913 race car made in Des Moines at the Sioux City 300.

Maryland: you Terps get an 1908 Maryland, with a grille that looks a bit like a turtle.Image
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I could blather endlessly about Michigan car industry, a had hundreds of of choices for its two conference reps. In this case, I could pick brands made just off-campus.

Michigan: Wolverines get a very spacious 1911 Ann Arbor, the Big House of early touring cars.

Michigan State: a layup for Sparty, because Lansing was forever the home of Oldsmobile. 1903 curved dash Olds model R, the Model T before the Model T.Image
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Minnesota: despite my antipathy for the Gophers I am granting them a dandy, a 1911 Minneapolis 6 hp. Made by the ancestors of a pal of mine, Ky Michaelson.

Nebraska: Cornhuskers get another 2-wheeler, a Lincoln-made Cushman Airborne. Cushman virtually invented the motor scooter, and this one was used in WW2 by paratroopers.

Northwestern: Wildcats get the Chicago-made 1948 Tucker Torpedo, the star-crossed car of legend.

Ohio State: again, hundreds choices available for an Ohio made car, including the Buckeye. And couple dozen brands made in Columbus. But among them, I chose the 1910 Firestone-Columbus 7-A runabout.Image
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Read 6 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Oct 8
If I was the CEO of Dollar Tree I'd expand to the UK and call it Pound Towne
For more special content like this please like/ share/ subscribe on the socials
This is what I'm talking about, what bloke would go to Poundland when he could take his best girl downtown to Pound Towne
Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Oct 6
The most hilarious boomerang in the history of boomeranging approaches its ultimate denoument
This thing is not over until the wails and lamentations after Paramount buys CNN
tfw you're in the NYTimes newsroom Oberlin mafia, tell someone "you'll never work in This Town again," and a couple years later it turns out she is now This Town
Read 9 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Oct 1
That Des Moines school superintendent is the greatest charming grifter to fleece dimwitted gullible Iowans since Professor Harold Hill
He even rolled into town in the same wardrobe, you just gotta respect that kind of dazzle-the-rubes audacity Image
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I still hold out hope that his degree from the Gary Conservatory of Music in Gary Indiana checks out

Read 14 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Sep 27
A happy #DavesCarIDService birthday to the GOAT of all cars, the Ford Model T. The first completed Flivver rolled out of Henry Ford's Piquette Avenue plant in Detroit on September 27, 1908.

"GOAT of all cars??" Let me explain. Not the fastest, or sexiest, but hands down the most important history-altering vehicle ever made. It put America, and pretty much the rest of the planet, on wheels. Circa 1918, half the cars on the road worldwide were Ford Model Ts. And by far, it's the most common car I see in the old photos of readers.

As you can see in this 1908 ad its introductory price was $850, about one year's income for an average Joe at the time. Still, reasonably affordable to doctors and small businessmen. Over its 20 model year run (1908-27) it had some body styling changes but its drive train and suspension remained virtually unchanged, driving economies of scale resulting in a 1927 price of $270.

Its combination of low price, durability, and serviceability resulted in over 15 million Ford Model Ts sold, a record that would last for many decades until it was surpassed by the VW Beetle. It would never win a drag race (at least in stock trim) or a beauty contest, and will never be a big collector's item due to its sheer numbers. But there's a very high likelihood that the first car owned by your family (like mine) was a T, an every true gearhead has a soft spot in his heart for the beloved Tin Lizzie.Image
Being of a hot rod bent, my favorite Model Ts tend to be a little juiced up. #1 here is my late pal Norm Grabowski and his Cadillac-powered 1922 roadster, later to become the "Kookie T" of 77 Sunset Strip. #2, "TV" Tommy Ivo with his 1925 T-bucket sporting a fuel injected Buick Nailhead. #3, the Camfather, Ed "Isky" Iskenderian behind the wheel of that 1924 OHV conversion flathead hot rod that he built in 1939. 104 year old Isky and his 101 year old hot rod are still alive and kicking. #4, Blackie Gejeian - the closest thing ever to a real life Fonzie - and his chromed-out, flathead V8 powered 1926 roadster.Image
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Even in stock trim or as dilapidated jalopy, the T has unquestionable charm. Like Fred McMurray's 1915-16 T in "The Absent Minded Professor" and "Son of Flubber. Not to mention Archie's campus jalopy (yeah, stylized cartoon, but we all know it's a T). Image
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Read 19 tweets

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