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David Burge Profile picture
@iowahawkblog
Feb 10, 2022 • 14 tweets • 3 min read • Read on X
Scrolly
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Another bold plan from the Harvard Institute for Removing Giant Trucks From Bridges Image
Gotta say I did not have "Land War With Canada" on my 2022 bingo card.

I recommend we launch the Marine invasion during the Olympic curling final, when they're all distracted
They will greet us as liberators, with flowers and Tim Horton's donuts
Don't worry, this plan has all been war-gamed out by Harvard's Best and Brightest on the Kennedy School rec room rug, with Tonka trucks and GI Joe action figures
Of course we will need a brilliant, battle-hardened Patton to lead Operation Truck Stop Image
triggered by, milking the rich inexhaustible comedic value of, tomay-toh, tomah-toh

My plan to clear trucks off the bridge? Announce $1 lap dances at all the Windsor titty bars. But hey don't listen to me, I didn't go to Harvard
yeah, in high school I used to change split rim truck tires at Ben Fish & Son in Sioux City. Closest thing I've experienced to a D-Day invasion. Ceiling had circle marks in it from rim pops
Hear me out on this: we should send covert CIA operatives to fund a proxy war by exploiting the long-simmering tribal tensions between the Canadian Big Rig Drivers and the Canadian Big Rig Tow Truck Drivers
Truly the Clausewitz of impotent faculty lounge rage
I'm beginning to think we need to start de-escalating this trucker situation

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Jun 28
Today's Dave's Car ID Service pays homage to the wild body graphics of the Muscle Car Era, starting with the GOAT - the Pontiac Firebird Trans Am Screaming Chicken.

Coincidentally enough, today is also the 60th birthday of the Firebird. In a way. On June 28, 1966, Chevy's Pete Estes held a press conference announcing a new car line to battle the Ford Mustang, code name XP-836, and its name would be "Camaro." Pontiac was the only other GM division that would get the platform, with slightly different styling and powered by a Pontiac engine, under the the Firebird name.

From 1967-68 the Firebird sort of languished in the shadow of its Camaro cousin, but it did have some success in Trans Am road racing by privateers. "Trans Am" is short for Trans America, a series for sub 5 liter (302 cubic inch) stock cars.

Anyhoo to mark that success Pontiac rolled out the Trans Am option package for Firebird in 1969. At first it was fairly restrained; Cunningham-style blue hood stripes over white. But designer Bill Porter, inspired by an abstract design on a Tiffany vase, sketched out what he thought would be a cool graphic cue for the next gen Firebird, which was honed by Norm Inouye.

Porter taped the graphic to the hood of the styling studio clay model to gauge the reaction of GM's head styling honcho Bill Mitchell. It did not go well, as Mitchell allegedly let loose with a string of profanities. But it did appear on the 1970-72 Trans Ams, albeit as a very small decal on the nose.

In 1971 a persistent GM designer named John Schinella decided to re-present the idea to Mitchell. He noted that Mitchell rode a custom Yamaha bike painted black and gold in graphics like the John Player Special F1 car. Schinella applied an enormous Screaming Chicken decal on a black Firebird, parked it next to Mitchell's custom Yamaha.

This time Mitchell relented, and the idea was approved. The first 3 "hood birds" are in top secret August 1971 photo (1). They were offered for sale in September 1972 with the rollout of the 1973 model year. Not all Trans Ams had them, it was optional graphics package code WW7. But the buying public clamored for them.

And why not? It's exactly the kind of statement that the kind of person who wanted a Trans Am wanted to make. Loud, brash, unapologetic, a 10 minute Free Bird guitar solo on wheels. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!Image
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Pontiac wasn't unique, or first, in offering bold decal graphics. Chrysler built branding around the "Scat Pack" concept, like the 1968 Dodge Super Bee and little brother Dodge Dart Swinger. By 1970 the was an entire panoply of bold decal options for Dodges and Plymouths; AAR stripes (2), "billboard stripes" (3), and "hockey sticks" (4).Image
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Mopar's branding success begat imitators, like Ford's Boss and Mach 1 Mustang packages for 1969. AMC offered an entire line of bold patriotic paint schemes for 1969, including the AMX Super Stock, the Rebel, and Hurst SC/Rambler (2). Even the Trans Am's GM stablemate Chevy Camaro got a freak flag hood decal in 1974.

By the end of the 1970s it sort of went from the sublime to the ridiculous. Witness the rebadged Mitsubishi Plymouth Fire Arrow for 1979.

The Trans Am Screaming Chicken soldiered on into the 90s, but for the most part those kinds of bold graphics faded away in the wake of OPEC oil shortages and performance-throttling emission controls. Just as fashion tamed down, so did the wild paint and decals.

Why? Among street racers, there is deep respect for "sleepers" - cars that look unsuspectingly mild and frumpy but underneath are incredibly powerful and fast. By the mid 1970s these graphic package cars were the opposite - loudly proclaiming power and speed, but underneath a scant 120 wimpy catalytic converted horsepower. All hat / no cattle as it were.

Oh but it was a giddy time, even if the graphics were ironic.Image
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Read 15 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jun 27
Today's #DavesCarIDService risks treason by sharing some of America's top secret roadside attractions with visiting soccer fans. But it seems the shock and awe of BBQ and Buc-ee's has resulted in their widespread surrender to American cultural might. Now that they seem friendly, I think it's finally safe for use to share the GOOD stuff. The roadside attraction equivalent of a secret cache of 85 year old Scotch. The kind of places we keep secret from strangers unless we have solid evidence that they're friendly.

First and foremost for me is the Loveless Cafe, just outside Nashville. One breakfast here and you will renounce your beloved Full English forever. And one biscuit (not a cookie, but the most sumptuous scone you've ever encountered) will make you slap yo' mama. I mean mum.Image
While Buc-ee's is admittedly a mindblower, you may notice that it lacks one thing: trucks. Yep, big rigs are verbotten there. For the full American road trip experience one must make a pilgrimage to a truck stop, and the greatest of all is in my home state of Iowa. Mister this right here is Trucker Valhalla, complete with a barber shop, dentist and doctor offices, a 60 seat movie theater, and spectacular vintage truck museum. Not to mention endless rows of wolves-howling-at-moons t shirts and chrome dress up accessories for you big rig.

Oh, and bring an appetite. Not for the fast food joints, but for the acclaimed all you can eat diner buffet.Image
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Now that you've sampled Texas BBQ brisket, it's time to level up your Texas cuisine experience with a stop at the Big Texan Steakranch on the outskirts of Amarillo. Well, level up in size if not in quality. Behold their Texas-sized 72 ounce steak. Best of all, it's FREE!

Small print: you have to eat the whole thing in 60 minutes to get the 100% discount off the $72 list price. Who knows? Maybe you'll be among the 10,000 heroes who've successfully reached the top of Mount Free Meat. That's only about an 8% success rate but c'mon chicken, you're DUE.

Afterwards you can celebrate with a stop at nearby Cadillac Ranch.Image
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Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jun 15
15% of Musk's wealth is $150 billion. The US Federal government spends more than 100% of Musk's wealth every single year on food, housing, and medical care for the poor, and we're only 4% of global population and 0.1% of global poverty. You ain't curing shit with his money
If by "we" you mean I'm invited to the big Wolfgang's 11 heist you've apparently masterminded, I have some questions:

1. Where are the secret vaults where he stashes all of his ill-gotten loot?
2. Dammit! I did some googling and it turns out almost all of his filthy trillion is in stock ownership. So as your loyal henchman, can I suggest a new plan? Let's get elected as Wealth Cops, and swipe it nice and legal-like! Ask Alex Soros for donations or something.
Read 7 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jun 14
Welcome to the Dave's Car ID Service countdown of the Definative Indisputable Top 10 List of the Greatest Car Movies of All Time!

(1935 Chrysler Airflow, 1933 Studebaker) Image
Just joking, there's no arguing taste, especially when it comes to movies. But I've often been asked to name my fave car flix, and these are some that I'd recommend.

10. Grand Prix (1966). High style mid sixties melodrama set in the glamorous world of F1 racing. Directed by John Frankenheimer, starring James Garner and Eva Marie Saint. Plus Jessica Walter and Francoise Hardy rrrrowwwrrr. And hands down the greatest opening title sequence ever, by Saul Bass.

youtu.be/GkMOAoiGuGc
9. Hot Rods To Hell (1967). Now Grand Prix is a legitimately good movie. By contrast HRTH is one of the greatest uninitentionally hilarious movies ever made. Starring Dana Andrews as a nebbish dad who runs afoul of a oddly clean cut hot rod gang in the desert. The in-car reaction scenes (1961 Plymouth Belvedere) alone are priceless.

8. 7 Second Love Affair (1965). Fly-on-the-wall documentary about Long Beach drag racer Rick "The Iceman" Stewart and his pursuit of the ET record.

7. On Any Sunday (1971). Bruce Brown is best known for his surfing documentary Endless Summer, but his follow up about motorcycle racing is every bit as great. Great cinematograpy with an appearance by Steve McQueen.

6. Pit Stop (1969). Raw Guts For Glory! Flesh Against Steel! Written and directed by Jack Hill, it transcended its drive-in exploitation genre to become a unique cult classic. With Sid Haig as the protagonist's sadistic figure-8 racing rival, and a young Ellen Burstyn.Image
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Read 13 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jun 13
Dave's Car ID Service is keeping it clean today with a look back at a neglected topic in automotive history: the car wash. So sit back, put it in neutral, release your parking brake. And don't forget to roll up your windows!

(1959 Chevy Bel Air sedan) Image
Of course people have been washing, or ordering their chauffeurs to wash, their cars as long as there have been cars. I'm specifically talking about a commercial enterprise devoted to car washing. The first would be the 'Automobile Laundry,' founded, appropriately, in Detroit Michigan 1914.

Like the automobile business, owners Frank McCormick and J.W. Hinkle designed it on the assembly line principle: drive your car in while workers would wet, soap, rinse, and dry in successive task stations.

The cost? A princely sum of $1.50, about $50 today.Image
$1.50 for a CAR WASH?? What do I look like, Rockefeller? In 1921 A fella named Carl Bohland patented a low labor cost semi-automatic car washing system called the Auto Wash Bowl. About 80 feet across, the bowl featured a radially ribbed concrete surface underneath. You'd drive in, take a few laps around, and the bouncing would shake the worst mud and salt and grime off your wheels and undercarriage.

Not a spit shine, but hey only a $0.25! For most average Shmoes that was clean enough. The first one opened in Saint Paul MN in 1921, but expanded to two location in Chicago. First picture shows a Chicago Auto Wash Bowl in 1924, with a Ford Model T coupe and Buick touring car.Image
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Read 19 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 24
Happy Indianapolis 500 Day to all who celebrate from Dave's Car ID Service! Today we pay homage to Indy's "Junk Formula" Era of 1930-37.

Why celebrate a formula for junk? Let me give you some context. At its inception Indy featured some cars that were pretty much stock. In that first 1911 race, the 5th place finisher was a stripped-down but otherwise complete stock Marmon 32 passenger car that was street-driven to the track. It was in the realm of possibility for a regular upper-middle class Joe with cojones and a dream to participate.

That all changed quickly, especially after WW1. By then it was strictly a rich man's sport, dominated by very exotic and expensive specialized racing machines, primarily Millers and Duesenbergs. Rules demanded smaller and smaller engine displacement. Until 1922 cars were limited to 3 liters (183 cubic inches), then from 1923-25 2 liters (122 ci) and starting in 1926, 1.5 liters (91 ci). The reduction in displacement was to curb speeds in an age where death on the track was common, but also to spark innovation.

Those rules worked almost too well. Geniuses like Harry Miller and the Duesenberg brothers figured out ways to coax ever more power out of ever smaller engines: overhead cams, integrated head-engine block casting, arrays of carburetors, exotic superchargers.

Those cars, to me, are the Sistine Chapel of American car racing. But they were incredibly expensive, and you had to have one if you wanted to be competitive at Indy. This all but closed off the field to anyone who didn't have cubic buttloads of cash.

That was okay for a while. During the Roaring Twenties there were plenty of high-living Gatsbys who wanted to sink some mad money into the exciting glamorous world of big time auto racing.

But then came October 29, 1929.

The Black Tuesday stock market crash wiped out a good number of those Indy-curious Gatsbys, kicking off what would soon become the Great Depression.

Enter Eddie Rickenbacker.

Best known as a World War I fighter ace, Rickenbacker was already famed as a successful racing driver for Duesenberg before the war. In 1927, the war hero had enough financial backing to buy Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Less then two years later he was faced with a grim reality: there were probably not going to be enough entries in the 1930 race to fill the 33-car grid. The economy's impact on ticket demand meant that the total prize purse for 1930 would be reduced from $98,000 to $54,000, and the winner's share from $50,000 to $18,000. Which made it even harder to attract entrants, etc. A vicious cycle that threatened to end the Indy 500 for good.

In response, Rickenbacker announced a new set of rules for 1930: displacement up to 6 liters (366 cubic inches) was allowed, supercharging was banned, there would be a return to Indy's mandatory ride-along mechanic rule 1911-22, and the field was expanded from 33 to 38.

This rule was derided by the high-dollar Miller and Duesenberg teams as the "Junk Formula," because it meant there'd be cars in the field with unsophisticated stock block engines. But that was sort of the point. It gave quasi-regular Joes and backyard mechanics a fighting chance to field a car at Indy, powered by a big modified Buick or Studebaker engine.

It didn't end the dominance of Miller & Duesenberg, who created their own bigass engines under the new rules, and no true "Junk Formula" car ever one. But helped keep Indy alive during 1930-37, amid the darkest days of the Great Depression.Image
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The first Indy Junk Formula cars of 1930 were a bit ungainly compared to the supersleek Millers of the day, but had some success.

#1 here is Rollie Free piloting the Slade Special, powered by a Chrysler Model 70 engine. Free would go on to become a motorcycle legend, photographed in the 1950s planking in a Speedo on his Vincent Black Shadow across the Bonneville Salt Flats en route to a motorcycle land speed record.

#2, the Buick Fireball 8-powered Butcher Brothers Special. That's Harry Butcher behind the wheel with brother Jimmy as ride along mechanic. Just a couple of bros with a dream.

#3, The Romthe Special, driven by J.C. McDonald. Powered by a Studebaker engine, and you can see the stock Studebaker hood sides.

#4 Chester Miller behind the wheel of the Fronty Special. Believe it or not, the engine block is a stock Ford Model A 4-banger, but with a Frontenac (aka "Fronty") overhead cam conversion. Frontys were popular at lower classes of racing, and designed by the Chevrolet Brothers.Image
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As the Depression deepened, so increased the number of Junk Formula cars at Indy. And they became more beautiful and sleek.

#1 Studebaker's stable at the 1932 500, with their wonderfully Art Deco grilles.

#2 Al Miller in the Hudson Special.

#3 Phil "Red" Shafer of Des Moines in his Buick Fireball 8-powered Shafer Special.

#4 Chet Miller in the Bohnalite Special, the first Ford flathead V8 to race at Indy.Image
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Read 5 tweets

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