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David Burge Profile picture
@iowahawkblog
Feb 10, 2022 • 14 tweets • 3 min read • Read on X
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Another bold plan from the Harvard Institute for Removing Giant Trucks From Bridges Image
Gotta say I did not have "Land War With Canada" on my 2022 bingo card.

I recommend we launch the Marine invasion during the Olympic curling final, when they're all distracted
They will greet us as liberators, with flowers and Tim Horton's donuts
Don't worry, this plan has all been war-gamed out by Harvard's Best and Brightest on the Kennedy School rec room rug, with Tonka trucks and GI Joe action figures
Of course we will need a brilliant, battle-hardened Patton to lead Operation Truck Stop Image
triggered by, milking the rich inexhaustible comedic value of, tomay-toh, tomah-toh

My plan to clear trucks off the bridge? Announce $1 lap dances at all the Windsor titty bars. But hey don't listen to me, I didn't go to Harvard
yeah, in high school I used to change split rim truck tires at Ben Fish & Son in Sioux City. Closest thing I've experienced to a D-Day invasion. Ceiling had circle marks in it from rim pops
Hear me out on this: we should send covert CIA operatives to fund a proxy war by exploiting the long-simmering tribal tensions between the Canadian Big Rig Drivers and the Canadian Big Rig Tow Truck Drivers
Truly the Clausewitz of impotent faculty lounge rage
I'm beginning to think we need to start de-escalating this trucker situation

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Jun 5
Geez all these Zoomers whining about how easy old people had it with cheap houses and low college tuition. "College"? LOL, I dropped out of high school because I already had 3 VP job offers at Wall Street investment banks, with perks like free big shoulder suits and cocaine
Not to mention free shoebox-sized cell phones. Honestly I never did shit there except browse 16-bit porn and snort coke at my terminal, but always got my 6-figure quarterly bonus
I admit I probably blew a lot of that dough at exclusive SoHo discos, and plastic sheeting for my 6 bedroom midtown luxury high rise bachelor pad. I think I paid $20k for that
Read 11 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 24
"There is no thing we can do that is more American than getting in a car and striking out across country."

-William Least Heat-Moon

Today #DavesCarIDService salutes the first person ever to have that most American of notions, the delightfully named Dr. Horatio Nelson Jackson, who struck out from San Francisco on May 23, 1903 in a 1903 Winton 20 hp with the goal of reaching New York City. He was 31 years old, with virtually no driving experience and no maps. Just a lot of determination and a fairly decent bankroll to blow on his seeming folly.

We also celebrate his road trip companions: 20 year old Sewell Crocker, with whom he shared driving duties, and Bud the Bulldog, a canine good luck mascot he bought for $15 in Idaho along the way.

Spoiler alert: battered and bruised, they successfully completed the journey 63 days later.Image
Horatio Nelson Jackson was also an immigrant. Born in Toronto, he came to the US to study medicine at the University of Vermont. Part of his post-grad practice was at the Vermont Asylum for the Insane, where he possibly first came up with his road trip idea.

Ill healthy forced him to retire from his medical career in 1900. He married Bertha Wells, daughter of one of Vermont's wealthiest families, and acquired in some Mexican silver mines. The consummation of one of those mining deals brought him to San Francisco, where at the University Club he overheard another diner proclaim that the car was a passing fancy and no automobile could successfully make a cross-country journey.

In 1903 that was the sane take. The transcontinental railroad was already 39 years old and there was no reason to believe the car would ever supplant it for long journeys. Highways, for all intents and purposes, did not exist and there was no reason to build them.

But Jackson was undaunted. He bet the blowhard $50 (about $1700 in today money) that he himself could do it despite never having owned a car or driven one. Yikes. Fortunately he knew young Sewell Crocker who did have experience. Crocker tutored him in driving and suggested the rugged Winton as the ideal car for the journey. He named the Winton "Vermont" after his beloved state.

Jackson & Crocker took off on their ride on May 23 carrying whatever fuel and provision could be attached to the small car, including shotguns and rifles. It was extremely arduous trek with daily breakdowns, repairs, and rescues from mud. Landowners would charge them tolls. Crocker had to make a 50 mile round trip bicycle ride for fuel in the Oregon outback. In Idaho Jackson's coat containing most of his cash fell off and his was forced to wire San Francisco for more.

It was also in Idaho where Jackson bought fearless Bud the Wonder Dog as a good luck mascot. And it seemed to work. By Jackson's account Bud was always alert for road hazards, but the dust of the western alkali flats bothered his eyes so they bought him a pair of goggles.

After 63 days on their improvised route that largely parallels US 30 / Interstate 80, with daily newspaper accounts of their journey growing their fame, they arrived in NYC to a hero's welcome.

All were pretty bruised up. Jackson lost 20 pounds during the trip and most of the Winton's parts were replaced along the way. Jackson said he spent $8000 of his own money for the trip (more than $250,000 today). But hey, won his $50 bet. Which he never collected.

His Winton, the Vermont, is now in the Smithsonian.Image
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Since it's Memorial Day weekend I should also note Horatio Nelson Jackson was decorated US Army surgeon during WW1. At 45 he was considered too old for battleground medical service, but prevailed upon his friend Teddy Roosevelt to pull a few strings to get him to the front.

He certainly saved many men from memorialization, and even suffered a gunshot wound to the arm during the Argonne offensive. For his efforts he received the Distinguished Service Cross, the French Legion of Honor, and the Croix de Guerre.

After the War he was one of the founders of the American Legion and remained an active member and official. He twice ran unsuccessfully for Governor of Vermont, and owned a radio station there.

Dr Horatio Nelson Jackson passed away at 82 in 1955. A year and a half later, the Federal-Aid Highway act was passed, establishing the Interstate Highway System.

Those of us who enjoy discovering America via our own improvised road trips owe a debt to Jackson, and his ballsy uncollected $50 bet that cars were the future.Image
Read 25 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 21
rekt Image
Image
Literally 30% of times it's ever been done by any WNBA player and she's only played 42 games

Reality, in fact, did come Image
Read 13 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 20
The year is 1933. You are at El Tropico, the most exclusive nightclub in Palm Beach.

Me? Why I am your host, Count Eduardo Del Rio, late of Havana. I am the impresario of El Tropico and my only wish is that my esteemed guests enjoy a splendid evening of dining and dancing. Would you like a special table? Our chef's specialty, Roasted Flamingo a la Pepe? Request a favorite rumba from our beloved bandleader, Tito Nougat? Valet service for your Duesenberg or autogyro? Even though it is the High Season in Palm Beach, I and my staff will do our utmost to accommodate your every desire.

Perhaps you would like an introduction to another of our guests. Or the telephone number a cigarette girl or a chorus girl. Simply ask Count Eduardo, I am at your service. And please, do not to worry. Eduardo is the very model of discretion! Just ask my silent business partners in Chicago and Havana. You secrets shall remain inside El Tropico.

And may I ask who are you, and what are you doing in my club?
If I have told you once I have told you many times you are to use the kitchen entrance, Mr Alligator person. Begone, you and your smell are scaring my guest.
Señor Mattox, the legendary Caribbean adventure! You need no introduction, every dowager and chorus girl is already eager to meet you, and asks that you keep you pith helmet on. And Tito begs you to sing 'Babalu' with him.
Read 8 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 19
I regret to inform you that the choo-choo fetishist are at it again
No one has every died wishing they had taken more rides on the CTA
Brian Wilson never wrote a song about a train
Read 8 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 13
He should've been arrested for crimes against architecture
If you had $9 million to splurge on house and you ordered up this abomination, you should be deported to a dark site Venezuelan prison just on principle Image
I am granting all of you a hypothetical $10 million to spend only on a personal residence. Go catalog shopping on Zillow or Redfin and show me what you would spend it on
Read 12 tweets

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