David Burge Profile picture
Feb 10, 2022 14 tweets 3 min read Read on X
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Another bold plan from the Harvard Institute for Removing Giant Trucks From Bridges Image
Gotta say I did not have "Land War With Canada" on my 2022 bingo card.

I recommend we launch the Marine invasion during the Olympic curling final, when they're all distracted
They will greet us as liberators, with flowers and Tim Horton's donuts
Don't worry, this plan has all been war-gamed out by Harvard's Best and Brightest on the Kennedy School rec room rug, with Tonka trucks and GI Joe action figures
Of course we will need a brilliant, battle-hardened Patton to lead Operation Truck Stop Image
triggered by, milking the rich inexhaustible comedic value of, tomay-toh, tomah-toh

My plan to clear trucks off the bridge? Announce $1 lap dances at all the Windsor titty bars. But hey don't listen to me, I didn't go to Harvard
yeah, in high school I used to change split rim truck tires at Ben Fish & Son in Sioux City. Closest thing I've experienced to a D-Day invasion. Ceiling had circle marks in it from rim pops
Hear me out on this: we should send covert CIA operatives to fund a proxy war by exploiting the long-simmering tribal tensions between the Canadian Big Rig Drivers and the Canadian Big Rig Tow Truck Drivers
Truly the Clausewitz of impotent faculty lounge rage
I'm beginning to think we need to start de-escalating this trucker situation

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More from @iowahawkblog

Mar 24
Today's #DavesCarIDService salutes Spring, when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. I'm no Tennyson, and certainly no young man, but boy howdy, nothing gets my spring on more than vintage cars paired with vintage Hollywood dames.

First up, young starlets Betty Grable and Lucille Ball in Kelly Portillo's Offy-powered Gilmore Special that won the 1935 Indy 500.Image
Or how about Rita Haworth and her 1941 Lincoln Continental? Later, patriotic Rita would donate its rear bumper as part of a memorable photo op to promote the WW2 scrap metal campaign.
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Va-va-va-voom! Two of my favorites here, a 1955 Chevy Bel Air convertible and Dorothy Malone, a decade or so after she was introduced as the bespectacled bookstore vixen in "The Big Sleep." Image
Read 31 tweets
Mar 7
I don't know if I want to live in a world where our heroic civic-minded billionaire professional sports team owners are expected to pay for their own arenas
The way they sell the "economic impact" magic beans of sports arenas to gullible town burghers puts Lyle Lanley and his monorail to shame

*And by "world class entertainment and shopping" we of course mean a Buffalo Wild Wings, a Five Guys, and a Washington Capitals merch store. We will also need a private jet airport and several helipads to accommodate all the anticipated throngs of international celebrities
Read 14 tweets
Mar 3
Sit down kids, it's time we had a little #DavesCarIDService talk about... Turbonique. You see, once upon a time people thought it was a fun idea to
install a 1000 horsepower rocket powered axle in their car, like Kansas City's Roy "Mr. Pitiful" Drew, shown here after an eventful 168 mph drag strip pass in his "Black Widow" Turbonique-powered VW bug. Believe it or not, this was an ad FOR Turbonique.Image
Turbonique was the brainchild of raconteur Gene Middlebrooks, a Georgia Tech alum and mechanical engineer who worked at Martin-Marietta on the Pershing nuclear missile program. In his spare time he designed AP (auxiliary power) superchargers for cars that didn't rely on drive from the engine; at first electric, and then "Thermolene" (his tradename for N-propyl nitrate rocket fuel).

Those cars were semi-successful at the track, and launched a mail order but Middlebrooks decided to move on to an even crazier rocket powered product line with the Turbonique Drag Axle and thrust rocket engines for go-karts and snowmobiles. And he was happy to sell them to you by mail, in a plain brown paper box, no questions asked.

In #3, the Turbonique Drag Axle-propelled "Pegasus" 1966 Mustang of Bob Rauth & Bill Venetti; in #4, "Captain Jack" McClure shutting down TV Tommy Ivo with his 180 mph Turbonique thrust rocket go-kart.Image
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Unfortunately Turbonique would not survive the decade thanks to a spate of lawsuits and mail fraud charges. Gene Middlebrooks would to a stretch in prison over them, and spent the remainder of his life running a small motel in Florida.

But not before crafting some of the most jaw dropping car projects of all time. My personal favorite is Zack Reynolds's 1964 "Tobacco King" Ford Galaxie 500. Reynolds was the car-crazy wildman heir to the RJ Reynolds cigarette fortune, and had the Turbonique boys install an drag axle to add an extra 1000 aft horsepower to the 500 or up front from its Latham-supercharge 427 up front. Objective: street racing.

The local constabulary cheerfully shut down a new freeway bypass around Winston-Salem NC so he could take a test drive, but it was so hairy that he seldom drove the beast ever again.Image
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Read 14 tweets
Feb 27
Palestinian beatnik poetry just hits different
Back in my day, our moms would yell at us to turn off the TV and go play outside till it was dark. We'd hijack a few planes, maybe mail some anthrax, pop wheelies on our Stingray bikes. And no helmets either! This was considered normal, before "America" turned into Wussyland
Real Molotov throwing was by killed parents organizing Little Molotov Leagues, where the crazy Molotov dads would yell at the umps, or even berate their own kid in public for a bad throw. Whatever happened to sandlot Molotovs, and playing for the pure love of fire?
Read 7 tweets
Feb 22
I applaud science for finally addressing the important questions that have long been asked by the voices in my head
Say what you want about us cannibals, but we don't go around immediately announcing it to you like a bunch of annoying vegans
If you were about to be eaten by a cannibal, what cooking method would you ask for? For myself, I gotta say sous vide
Read 4 tweets
Feb 9
The most culturally significant musical performance on television of all time, February 9, 1964 Image
40% of the population of the entire United States watched it. 24 hours later guitar sales went through the roof and the barber shop industry lay in ruins
The equivalent TV audience today would be 130 million, a bigger audience than the Super Bowl. On April 4, the Beatles held the #1, #2, #3, #4, and #5 places on the Billboard charts. Image
Read 12 tweets

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