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David Burge Profile picture
@iowahawkblog
Feb 10, 2022 • 14 tweets • 3 min read • Read on X
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Another bold plan from the Harvard Institute for Removing Giant Trucks From Bridges Image
Gotta say I did not have "Land War With Canada" on my 2022 bingo card.

I recommend we launch the Marine invasion during the Olympic curling final, when they're all distracted
They will greet us as liberators, with flowers and Tim Horton's donuts
Don't worry, this plan has all been war-gamed out by Harvard's Best and Brightest on the Kennedy School rec room rug, with Tonka trucks and GI Joe action figures
Of course we will need a brilliant, battle-hardened Patton to lead Operation Truck Stop Image
triggered by, milking the rich inexhaustible comedic value of, tomay-toh, tomah-toh

My plan to clear trucks off the bridge? Announce $1 lap dances at all the Windsor titty bars. But hey don't listen to me, I didn't go to Harvard
yeah, in high school I used to change split rim truck tires at Ben Fish & Son in Sioux City. Closest thing I've experienced to a D-Day invasion. Ceiling had circle marks in it from rim pops
Hear me out on this: we should send covert CIA operatives to fund a proxy war by exploiting the long-simmering tribal tensions between the Canadian Big Rig Drivers and the Canadian Big Rig Tow Truck Drivers
Truly the Clausewitz of impotent faculty lounge rage
I'm beginning to think we need to start de-escalating this trucker situation

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Sep 2
I would like to note that, according to ISU fans "Iowa State fans went to ISU, and Iowa fans didn't go to Iowa." I think this proves their point
Yeah, and honestly probably half of them, and they're 100% of the biggest shit talkers

I'm not saying you have to be an alumnus of a school to be a "real" fan. You could be a family member of an alumni or student, a donor or benefactor, etc. Otherwise you should probably STFU about dragging other schools or demanding coach firings because of your $45 hoodie
Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Aug 30
A very happy week 1 college football Saturday from #DavesCarIDService! Today we pay tribute to those old timey, pep-talkin', vim & vinegar campus legends with a look at Coaches and Their Coaches.

First up: the GOAT of pep talks, Notre Dame's immortal Knute Rockne. Who also had an entire car brand named for him - behold the 1932 Rockne Model 65. Rockne was a product of Studebaker, also located in South Bend IN, and a quite handsome vehicle.

The Rockne brand only lasted 1932-33; Knute Rockne died in 1931 and was never photographed with one. But in #2 he's seen with a 1931 Studebaker and an unidentified member of the 1931 Irish squad.Image
Image
Another legend of the era was Amos Alonzo Stagg, coach of the mighty Maroons of the University of Chicago 1892-1932, here stiff-arming a 1919 Milburn Electric coupe wearing 1922 Illinois plates.

The car was a gift from U of C alumni. Stagg had suffered a back injury and it was difficult for him to walk, and he coached the 1919 team from the seat of the car on the sidelines.

Chicago was a member of the Big Ten at the time (and still is, sorta-kinda) and somewhat of a gridiron powerhouse. The first Heisman Trophy in 1935 was won by Chicago's Jay Berwanger. But in 1939 it abolished its football team, never to return to Division I competition.

Stagg Field at U of Chicago remains an important world historical site as site of the world's first controlled nuclear reaction. And the University still owns Stagg's 1919 Milburn.Image
When it came to old timey powerhouses, it didn't get more powerhousey than the Michigan Wolverine squads of Fielding "Hurry Up" Yost - seen here outside the Big House with his 1927 Packard sedan, another gift from grateful alumni.

Between 1901-23 and 25-26, Yost compiled a 165-29 record at Michigan with 6 mythical national championships. Four straight from 1901-1904, where his "point a minute" offense terrorized every opponent they faced. In the 1901 season, they outscored their 11 foes by a mindboggling 550-0. In 1902, they ran roughshod again, 11-0, outscoring opponents 644-12, including a 107-0 cakewalk over my beloved Hawkeyes.

It was bloodbath after bloodbath, year after year, until 1905 when Yost suffered his first defeat: a 2-0 shutout loss versus Stagg's Chicago Maroons.Image
Read 9 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Aug 21
Look, it you're going to group Cracker Barrel with Yves Saint Laurent and Balenciaga, I'm calling that a marketing win for Cracker Barrel
Coming soon: 6 month waiting list for reservations at the Cracker Barrels on Rodeo Drive, Bond Street, and the Champs Elysees
I had as much fun as anybody dragging the Jaguar ad, but the funniest thing about l'affaire Cracker Barrel Logo are the people absolutely losing their minds over it

Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Aug 9
Live from Chicago, it's #DavesCarIDService On The Road!

Today we salute my host city with a brief look back at the greatest car dealership strip ever assembled, Chicago's Automobile Row, a/k/a 1200-2800 South Michigan Avenue. Once home to dealers of 123 brands of automobiles. Image
Yes you read that correctly: one hundred and twenty-three different brands. Here's a shopper's guide in case you want to hop in the time machine and kick a few tires in 1912. Image
Fun fact: Chicago isn't called the "Windy City" because of some meteorological peculiarity, but because of its once famed braggadocio and boosterism. The tallest and most modern buildings, the biggest world's fair, and so on. That was in full effect in 1901 when the first automobile dealerships along South Michigan Avenue were being planned. Even though it was a fraction of the size of New York, it was a larger car market owing to its wide, grid-patterned streets and generally prosperity. Brother, what a golden opportunity for a go-getting salesman in the horseless carriage business!

But these weren't cheap asphalt lots with flapping plastic pennants. In the typical Windy City style of the time these were gorgeous, elegant, modern, clad in snazzy terra cotta and with bank lobby interiors to match. Witness the Locomobile showroom at 2000 South Michigan:Image
Read 23 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Aug 7
Hey Chicago, I’m here ya jagoffs
Poll: Most Chicagoish street name?
Wacker, Cermak, and Touhey sound like you’re hocking up a loogie, Dempster sounds like what you’re spitting it into
Read 7 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Aug 2
Two days in a row a hotel breakfast buffets Image
I mean these aren’t Motel 7s or whatnot, these are pretty decent midscale pseudo boutique places. The problem is the people. At what point did we become a nation of carny trash
My favorite was the mom with her two ~8 year olds, wearing the “THICC and TIRED of These Bitches” t-shirt. No need to swing elbows milady, the sausage patties are yours
Read 9 tweets

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