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David Burge Profile picture
@iowahawkblog
Feb 10, 2022 • 14 tweets • 3 min read • Read on X
Not sure I'd recommend siphoning diesel fuel or slashing a steel belted retread under 100 psi, but you're the expert Professor Tow Truck
I think the Fightin' 101st Tire Slashers may need a little training before we send 'em in
Once we slash the tires and empty the fuel tanks, how do we remove the trucks? Easy, put on a Harvard Hogwarts robe, wave your wand, and cast the ol' "Truckus Removem" spell
Another bold plan from the Harvard Institute for Removing Giant Trucks From Bridges Image
Gotta say I did not have "Land War With Canada" on my 2022 bingo card.

I recommend we launch the Marine invasion during the Olympic curling final, when they're all distracted
They will greet us as liberators, with flowers and Tim Horton's donuts
Don't worry, this plan has all been war-gamed out by Harvard's Best and Brightest on the Kennedy School rec room rug, with Tonka trucks and GI Joe action figures
Of course we will need a brilliant, battle-hardened Patton to lead Operation Truck Stop Image
triggered by, milking the rich inexhaustible comedic value of, tomay-toh, tomah-toh

My plan to clear trucks off the bridge? Announce $1 lap dances at all the Windsor titty bars. But hey don't listen to me, I didn't go to Harvard
yeah, in high school I used to change split rim truck tires at Ben Fish & Son in Sioux City. Closest thing I've experienced to a D-Day invasion. Ceiling had circle marks in it from rim pops
Hear me out on this: we should send covert CIA operatives to fund a proxy war by exploiting the long-simmering tribal tensions between the Canadian Big Rig Drivers and the Canadian Big Rig Tow Truck Drivers
Truly the Clausewitz of impotent faculty lounge rage
I'm beginning to think we need to start de-escalating this trucker situation

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Aug 9
Live from Chicago, it's #DavesCarIDService On The Road!

Today we salute my host city with a brief look back at the greatest car dealership strip ever assembled, Chicago's Automobile Row, a/k/a 1200-2800 South Michigan Avenue. Once home to dealers of 123 brands of automobiles. Image
Yes you read that correctly: one hundred and twenty-three different brands. Here's a shopper's guide in case you want to hop in the time machine and kick a few tires in 1912. Image
Fun fact: Chicago isn't called the "Windy City" because of some meteorological peculiarity, but because of its once famed braggadocio and boosterism. The tallest and most modern buildings, the biggest world's fair, and so on. That was in full effect in 1901 when the first automobile dealerships along South Michigan Avenue were being planned. Even though it was a fraction of the size of New York, it was a larger car market owing to its wide, grid-patterned streets and generally prosperity. Brother, what a golden opportunity for a go-getting salesman in the horseless carriage business!

But these weren't cheap asphalt lots with flapping plastic pennants. In the typical Windy City style of the time these were gorgeous, elegant, modern, clad in snazzy terra cotta and with bank lobby interiors to match. Witness the Locomobile showroom at 2000 South Michigan:Image
Read 23 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Aug 7
Hey Chicago, I’m here ya jagoffs
Poll: Most Chicagoish street name?
Wacker, Cermak, and Touhey sound like you’re hocking up a loogie, Dempster sounds like what you’re spitting it into
Read 7 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Aug 2
Two days in a row a hotel breakfast buffets Image
I mean these aren’t Motel 7s or whatnot, these are pretty decent midscale pseudo boutique places. The problem is the people. At what point did we become a nation of carny trash
My favorite was the mom with her two ~8 year olds, wearing the “THICC and TIRED of These Bitches” t-shirt. No need to swing elbows milady, the sausage patties are yours
Read 9 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jul 28
I'm neither a Nazi nor a marketing expert, but gotta say that screaming that an attractive young woman in a blue jeans advertisement is Nazi-coded is probably the worst anti-Nazi campaign ever devised
To combat the rise in neo-Naziism might I suggest that instead of grad school deconstruction of Sydney Sweeney ads, you'd be better off using actual Nazis in a campaign I call "lol get a load of this ugly gay Nazi retard" Image
Back a million years ago a pseudo academic pseudo scientist wrote a best seller of his hallucination of secret titties airbrushed into ice cubes in ads. What we're seeing now is the same thing, except hallucination of secret swastikas airbrushed into ad titties Image
Read 6 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jul 13
Today's #DavesCarIDService salutes a few of my favorite Gas Palaces, where architects elevated the humble service station to high art. Beginning with The Maestro, Frank Lloyd Wright, and the R.W. Lindholm Phillips 66 station in Cloquet, Minnesota (1958).

Wright had earlier designed Ray Lindholm's house, and proposed this design for his gas station. It was part of his 1927 Broadacre City design plan, and remains the only FL Wright gas station built during his lifetime. It's still open today as a Calumet station.

A more faithful (and stunning) version of Wright's original 1927 Broadacre City gas station design was finally built inside the Buffalo Transportation Pierce-Arrow Museum. Featuring a Pierce-Arrow limo, natch.Image
Image
The "Phillips 66" brand capitalized the popularity of Route 66, and along Route 66 in Shamrock, TX lies the amazing Art Deco U-Drop Inn Conoco. Designed by J.C. Berry and built in 1935, you can imagine how it was a beacon to Route 66 motorists.

After the decommissioning of Route 66, it fell into disrepair and close in 1990; after restoration to its original glory, it now serves as a visitor center and Shamrock's Chamber of Commerce. It's also referred to in Pixar's CARS movie.Image
Imagine a weary 1927 desert traveler pulling into the Calpet oasis at 3327 Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles, where two exotic Fatimas of the 7 Veils awaited to feed you grapes while filling you tank and checking your oil; why it'd be as if you were Rudolph Valentino in the Sheik of Araby.

Designed by Roland Coate, this jewel went all in on the Moroccan Revival style that was all the rage in LA at the time. You can still see many examples of that style in the Hancock Park neighborhood not far from where the Calpet station was located. Alas, you can't see the station, it was long ago demolished.Image
Read 21 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Jul 11
This is worse than the whole Nazi thing Image
JFC Image
Image
FFS it says "Plymouth" right on the hood Image
Image
Read 11 tweets

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