Thread by @fariha1a

Over a year ago, a friend lost a loved one whom she was going to marry. I accompanied her on a trip to his family home last Oct, and it was then that I understood - for the first time - what grief does to you.

Grief becomes the centre around which you have to rebuild your life.

https://twitter.com/ARCHAEOL0GY/status/1492808267843526660

When you lose a loved one, you don't just lose them but also a version of yourself that existed because of them - that may never exist again. Once grief hits you, there's no going back to "normal". Your grief becomes the new normal; it changes everything - most of all you.

My friend told me the most hurtful moments for her are those when people (including the guy's own family) tell her to move on. "They don't know how devastating it is to be told to 'get over' his loss", she said, "It breaks my heart to think that they consider him replaceable".

I felt guilty. "We want you to be happy again. Want to pray for you. What else do we pray for?" I asked her. "Pray that I reunite with him in the afterlife", she said. "But we want to pray for your happiness in this world too. Want to be able to do something for you", I told her.

"Fariha, when you're standing at the edge of the cliff, & all you want to do - all you can do - is howl in pain, if someone can just stand there with you, that's great".

This finally put things into perspective for me: Moving on shouldn't mean pretending the grief doesn't exist.

Grieving people deserve the time & space to process their grief. It's their only remaining connection to their lost love. Telling them to move on is disrespectful & trivializing. It only makes them more lonely as they feel they can't even talk about it.

https://twitter.com/lucyj_ford/status/1463016616967426049?t=SEnkNFfEqumpMrZPR9p0aA&s=19

My friend's life has been consumed by this grief ever since. It's his memories that bring her joy, even when they make her cry. It's taking care of his family & his unfinished tasks that keeps her going. It's this pain that comforts her. She says it's an honour to grieve him.

I've since been teaching myself how to talk to grieving people. I don't pretend to know what they're going through. Instead, I ask. And listen. Like I asked my friend if having his picture as her display helps or hurts. She said it doesn't hurt coz he's always on her mind anyway.

I hope we never get to experience grief. I also hope we are better prepared to help those who do. We need to stop forcing our loved ones what we think is good for them.

Please do say a prayer for my friend. She is a gem of a person who deserves all the happiness in her life.