This young woman reached out to me on IG, wondering if what she’d been told by her church was right.

I told her it’s not only wrong, but that it seemed like it could be spiritual abuse.

We ended up talking on the phone and the story got even worse…
She fled an abusive marriage with her baby a few years ago.

About a year later, she met someone new. After dating for awhile, they accidentally became pregnant and had a child.

They’re still together, but she’s understandably (and wisely) hesitant to jump into another marriage.
Her, her boyfriend, and her two kids are all a part of this church together. One Sunday a few months ago, the worship leader asked for volunteers for the band.

She is a very talented vocalist and has a background in worship, so she decided to try out.
After tryouts, the worship leader pulled her aside and said she would be great but he didn’t think the pastor and his wife (who are also the worship leader’s parents 😳) would let her be on stage in her “current situation.”

She could practice every week, but not lead on Sundays.
The pastor, pastor’s wife, and worship leader all told her separately to get married so that she could sing on Sundays.

They even offered to do a quick ceremony for them so they could “stop living in sin.”
The pastor’s wife said, “We can’t have people on stage who are sinning.”

When the young woman asked how that works since everyone sins, the pastor’s wife said, “But not everyone’s sin is so out in the open like yours and the Bible says people like that can’t lead worship.”
The young woman told the pastor’s wife she’d never heard of a verse like that and shared her experience of grace at other churches.

The pastor’s wife replied, “Any church that tells you something different than I just did doesn’t believe the Word of God.”
After hearing the whole story, I confirmed that she was being spiritual abused. Here are the clear signs:

1. The church leaders perverted Scripture in an attempt to force her to do something detrimental to her for their own benefit.
2. They said “public sin” is worse than private sin—encouraging people to keep issues hidden.

3. One family controls the entire church.

4. They claimed things were in the Bible that aren’t.

5. They said anyone with a different interpretation doesn’t believe the Bible.
Each of these are huge red flags by themselves, but when combined it is classic spiritual abuse.

After we talked, the young woman and her family decided to look for a new church home. They’ve since found a healthy faith community (and counseling) and are thriving in it.
If you are experiencing issues like this in your church, I would be happy to talk with you.

I am not a spiritual abuse expert or therapist, but I’ve been through a lot of it and can help refer you to an expert and/or therapist if that would be helpful.

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More from @ZachWLambert

Feb 23
Last night at dinner, I mentioned I would be home late today. My 7-year-old asked why.

I told him about the rally I was attending to help #SaveMelissaLucio and he asked if he could go with me. I said not this time, so he got up from the table and went to get his art supplies…
When I asked what he was doing, he said, “Making a sign. If I can’t be there, I still want to help.”

As he was writing, he asked how to spell “execute” and “people.” When I asked if he’d like to put Melissa’s name instead of “people,” he said…
“No, because then they’ll think it’s ok to execute other people besides Melissa. They shouldn’t execute anyone.”

I agree with him, we shouldn’t execute anyone, but we especially shouldn’t execute people who are wrongfully convicted like Melissa.
Read 5 tweets
Feb 21
Even though it's been co-opted lately, deconstruction is a term we've been using at our church for years.

It describes the process of critically examining our faith when something we believe conflicts with something we experience.

I hope this 🧵 brings some comfort and clarity.
Deconstruction is an involuntary and universal experience.

We can not control the outcome of someone’s deconstruction journey anymore than we can prevent it from starting in the first place.
What we can and should do, is create safe spaces where people can be fully loved and accepted as they walk through the difficult process of deconstruction.

Spaces where they can ask questions, doubt, and be open about what they're going through.
Read 4 tweets
Feb 15
I met my first love in a 6th grade English class.

I was so disruptive that my teacher moved my desk into the corner of the room and then put a tri-fold gym mat around me so I couldn’t see anything except the wall.

The person closest to me was a girl named Amy...
My first day in behind the mat, I forgot my pencil. I obviously didn’t want to get in even more trouble, so I cautiously peaked my head over the top of the mat when my teacher turned around to write on the board.

I whispered, "Amy!" And then asked if I could borrow a pencil.
I honestly thought she would either say no or just ignore me.

You see, Amy was a super compliant, straight-A student who was a faithful member of her youth group and beloved by every adult at the school.

I was not.
Read 24 tweets
Feb 8
I am so tired of these calls for unity that completely disregard injustice.

The call of every Christian is to peacemaking.

Not peacekeeping. Peacemaking.

And there is a radical difference between the two. Let me explain... (🧵)
Peacekeepers maintain the status quo.

But peacemakers are change agents in pursuit of fixing the brokenness in our world.

Peacekeepers strive to make everyone happy.

But peacemakers strive to make everyone equal.
Peacekeepers call for compromise in the face of injustice.

But peacemakers are willing to call out racism, sexism, classism and every other oppressive “ism” even when it makes people uncomfortable.
Read 9 tweets
Jan 24
Y’all remember Hoarders?

That show about people hoarding food, clothes, dolls, even animals.

We rightly see someone with 200 rabbits in their apartment and think, “they have a problem.”

So here’s my question: Why don’t we look at people who hoard wealth the same way?

Thread:
Why are hoarders of money applauded while hoarders of newspapers are condemned?

Because we live in a culture where consumption and greed are not just tolerated, they are celebrated.

But hoarding doesn’t just hurt the hoarder, it hurts everyone caught in their wake as well.
While hoarding may lead to earthly wealth for some, it leads to poverty and oppression for many others.

When someone gives into the scarcity mindset, it always ends up leaving other people without their basic needs met.

Let me give you an example…
Read 25 tweets
Jan 19
In staff meeting, one of our pastors asked us to pray for his mom because she’s having a bad flare-up with her medical condition.

She lives in another state and is part of a different church, but I asked if I could call her.

He said yes and gave me her number.

1/
I dialed the number and she picked up the phone. We talked for a few minutes and then I prayed with her.

After we finished, she texted her son and said I was the first pastor to call and pray over her since she was diagnosed 5 years ago.

The first one… IN FIVE YEARS.

2/
She is not some fringe attender either.

This woman has been a committed and serving church member her entire adult life at numerous churches.

Pastors, I say this as someone who believes deeply in the role of shepherd and the potential of healthy churches…

3/
Read 9 tweets

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