Thread by @ZachWLambert

This young woman reached out to me on IG, wondering if what she’d been told by her church was right.

I told her it’s not only wrong, but that it seemed like it could be spiritual abuse.

We ended up talking on the phone and the story got even worse…

She fled an abusive marriage with her baby a few years ago.

About a year later, she met someone new. After dating for awhile, they accidentally became pregnant and had a child.

They’re still together, but she’s understandably (and wisely) hesitant to jump into another marriage.

Her, her boyfriend, and her two kids are all a part of this church together. One Sunday a few months ago, the worship leader asked for volunteers for the band.

She is a very talented vocalist and has a background in worship, so she decided to try out.

After tryouts, the worship leader pulled her aside and said she would be great but he didn’t think the pastor and his wife (who are also the worship leader’s parents 😳) would let her be on stage in her “current situation.”

She could practice every week, but not lead on Sundays.

The pastor, pastor’s wife, and worship leader all told her separately to get married so that she could sing on Sundays.

They even offered to do a quick ceremony for them so they could “stop living in sin.”

The pastor’s wife said, “We can’t have people on stage who are sinning.”

When the young woman asked how that works since everyone sins, the pastor’s wife said, “But not everyone’s sin is so out in the open like yours and the Bible says people like that can’t lead worship.”

The young woman told the pastor’s wife she’d never heard of a verse like that and shared her experience of grace at other churches.

The pastor’s wife replied, “Any church that tells you something different than I just did doesn’t believe the Word of God.”

After hearing the whole story, I confirmed that she was being spiritual abused. Here are the clear signs:

1. The church leaders perverted Scripture in an attempt to force her to do something detrimental to her for their own benefit.

2. They said “public sin” is worse than private sin—encouraging people to keep issues hidden.

3. One family controls the entire church.

4. They claimed things were in the Bible that aren’t.

5. They said anyone with a different interpretation doesn’t believe the Bible.

Each of these are huge red flags by themselves, but when combined it is classic spiritual abuse.

After we talked, the young woman and her family decided to look for a new church home. They’ve since found a healthy faith community (and counseling) and are thriving in it.

If you are experiencing issues like this in your church, I would be happy to talk with you.

I am not a spiritual abuse expert or therapist, but I’ve been through a lot of it and can help refer you to an expert and/or therapist if that would be helpful.