Thread by @kat_blaque

A lot of the people currently speaking about the incident between Vaush and I are doing this really strange thing where they speak out of order about what actually happened in order to misrepresent the truth of things and it's very hard for me not to want to talk about that.

I have pretty consistently said on my page that there are things I didn't need to do, but that I don't particularly regret them and I respect if people think i'm a bad person for doing those things, but what isn't understood is I generally don't act like that without reason.

Firstly I think that most of you trying to make sense of this need to understand that this has become a larger issue than it ever needed to be to begin with. I had a conversation about Vaush's IDEAS on my page while discouraging people being biased against him.

And THAT bruised his ego. That for me will always be very very very strange. Even when asked several times how I felt about him, I didn't actually express anything beyond "I'm not a fan of his tactics, but if he's good for the left, thats aweome". You can still see those messages

And if he read through that thread, he'd see that. I did NOT make a hate thread. I had a several days long conversation about the idea of using misogyny to defend trans women. For me that wasn't the most important topic in the world, but one worth discussing.

I can and will acknowledge that I think Vaush, like many creators probably does have a very hard time differentiating between people who criticize him because of what he does/says and people who criticize him because they just hate him.

Before this conversation, I just did not have enough feelings either way about him to genuinely want to hate him. The most I keep hearing is he's edgy but good and again, I don't get it, but if it's a net positive that's great.

But the way this conversation has gone and shifted really tells me a lot about the actual goals of him, folks who defend him and folks who advocate for him.

As stated in previous threads, I have a lot of annoyance around the idea that I must be involved with, in conversation with and connected to random lefty people I don't know who make lefty content. It is a pressure I resent very deeply.

Most of you aren't getting that I did not hold a hate convo about Vaush that inspired him to bum rush my DMs and try to debate me. I had a conversation about his ideas and he took it as a personal attack and then demanded that I privately debate him. Something I don't need to do.

When I was thinking of how this could have gone differently, I kept getting stuck on the fact that this would have never happened if I didn't openly criticize his ideas. That's quite literally it. I didn't criticize him, I criticized his ideas

And if you go back and read the several threads I made about it, you know that I did it really respectfully and objectively. And then I had moved on from the conversation to other things.

So I kinda didn't appreciate when he wanted to debate me privately and made it all about me hating him. It just came off as extra egotistical because of how much I held that conversation in a really objective way and actively discouraged folks from making it about him.

It's like you can't even have an objective conversation about someone's ideas without making it about them. I'm kinda curious about that as a concept because I wonder how much we struggle to actually do that beyond conversations like this.

I quite frequently have conversations about things other people have said with zero explicit desire to cancel the person being discussed, but to speak about their ideas or actions objectively; and occasionally the support people have of those ideas.

Watch almost any video i've made calling out another creator and you'll quickly realize that the "callouts" I do are never about ruining that creator's life/reputation, but about discussing their ideas. I always leave room for that person to be redeemed.

But GENERALLY, those people I'm discussing are not personally cruel and condescending to me. So this particular conversation shifted in a different direction for me because Vaush was incredibly rude to me personally and we had a brief personal history.

I can fully admit that I didn't have to mention that we had sexted. That wasn't necessary; but I did it because I've probably seen less than 10 videos about Vaush and he continues to argue that I am obsessed with him and that lie is very annoying to me.

The most valid argument he could make was that because we briefly sexted, I must have some sort of specific issue with him. That is the closest he could have gotten to making a solid point about me being obsessive; which still wouldn't be true, but it happened.

That aside, I STILL didn't NEED to say it, but because of how Vaush was posting about me on his page, I genuinely didn't care sharing that and still don't exactly feel bad about it at all.

But here's what's really frustrating me about all of this and this is incident has honestly made me completely shift my feelings about him.

He is going out of his way to make it seem like the things I've said on my page are not reactions to things he said on his page. And he is really trying very hard to push a specific narrative that makes him look like a victim and me an abuser.

And THIS is for me where I actually started to see just how dishonest he is and how little his audience actually cares about this and honestly I cannot fully understand the goal here.. but I'll get to that later.

It's TRUE that I made a comment about his penis. I said it was "underwhelming"; but that was AFTER he said this about me on his stream, not before. That's why my tweet explicitly references "white dick" because it's a response to his comments about me being once again, obsessive.

And his comments about me are very gross. And at the time of him saying that, the most I had said was "we sexted". That's it. I didn't say anything more than that, just acknowledged that it happened.

Again, I probably didn't need to mention that we had sexted. It wasn't necessarily relevant, but felt like the only genuine way he could argue that I was "obsessed" with him. But now he's pretending that I made these comments before he said what he said and that ISN'T TRUE.

Did I need to say this? No. But I find it really weird how Vaush is applauded and defended for saying I'm obsessed with white dick on his stream, but I'm an asshole for saying this. I get that there are different rules for me vs him. He gets to be an asshole and I don't, but...

Come the fuck on. And here's the thing about this that DOES bother me. Vaush absolutely knows that my comments were a reaction to what he said on stream, but he and others are presenting it as though it was something I said organically for no reason, just to body shame.

And this is what you're describing as "abuse" and as a person who's experienced sexual abuse and harassment, I can respect that we each have different sensibilities around these things, but wow I wish my experience with abuse was just some dude saying my tits were lopsided

Through all of this conversation, I can look back at the things I've said and done and say "Hey maybe I shouldn't have said/done that", but I really think people need to pay attention to the way this story is being told/shown.

And what exactly the goals of it are. Like I said, none of this would have happened if I didnt politely attempt to discuss his ideas objectively in public. That is his goal. You gotta really question what possible goal he had in privately contacting me if it didn't relate to ego

Obviously from this thread you understand that I understand how frustrating it is to be misunderstood.

Through all of the conversations I had about him before he contacted me, I actually consistently said I don't think he's a terrible misogynist or whatever and that comment, while unhelpful, isn't the end of the world.

And my mild criticism of HIS IDEAS has transformed into something much larger. I know I didn't need to do certain things and share certain information. I can admit that and acknowledge that; but how this is being twisted shifts things for me.

My interactions with Vaush in the DMs felt exactly like every shitty abusive DM exchange I've had with men who feel they can say condescending and shitty things to me privately and I'm just supposed to deal with it.

I'm just supposed to deal with the veiled thread of "I'll drag you on stream". The consistent gaslighting of "Aw, I hope you're okay" and I'm just supposed to deal with the overall entitled attitude towards my time

AND the complete disrespect for how I've put my body on the line to advocate for trans people. And that brings me to my final feelings about this all. What is this even about?

Many of you argue that I shouldn't have criticized Vaush's ideas because he is a cis man advocating for trans people and that is a good thing. The impression I get is that him advocating for trans people is more impactful because he isn't a trans woman.

And that really seems to be his position as well as he says that my work does more harm for transgender people than good. You all seem to want advocacy for transgender people, lead by cis white men.

And Vaush is going out of his way to misrepresent and terrorize transgender creators so that they essentially bow to him. That was the actual goal of him contacting me. Read through the DMs.

All he wanted me to do was bow to him, his arguments and to no longer criticize him, because he believes he is the one person to champion trans advocacy and he knows how to do it better than I ever have despite all of the work I've done.

Again, when I think about how to avoid this, it literally comes down to "never criticize him". And when he goes out of his way to misrepresent the people he engages with, the supremacist way in which he views himself is incredibly clear.

I had an objective conversation about his ideas and in the first message I sent to him, I told that I wasn't particularly invested in him. I even apologized for that potentially sounding harsh. I was NOT interested in having the conversation with him.

And I think some of you are correct when you say that I simply shouldn't have responded. I didn't need to, but I did because I was bored and fascinated by the fact that he cared. I'm not sure why he did because again, I didn't have a hate boner for him and spoke about his ideas.

Look, I'll level with you. I've been doing trans advocacy for most of my life because I am personally invested in this conversation as a trans person, but I am also tired of repeating myself over and over again.

Watch any of my videos and you'll notice that I play pretty strongly into respectability politics because I am aware of how that allows these conversations to be more easily heard. That was part of my curiosity around his work and also why I've always said if it's helpful, great

I have always maintained that all of people making lefty content online are appealing to a different type of person and if our goals are the same, awesome. But Vaush cannot allow me or other creators to sit on their own little islands.

He demanded my engagement, but wanted me to follow his path/argument. That is incredibly clear through the DMs. I think Vaush really dislikes not being able to control a conversation, which is why I described his tactics as very "Ben Shapiro".

Like I said, after this conversation, I really have a very different view of him. I went from being like "i don't get it" to "wow this guy is actually not a great person". He knows he's misleading his audience and he knows he is overstating harm and victimizing himself.

It's all very deliberate and people are eating it up and that's so sad to me tbh. He wants to be a person who speaks with the most authority about my own experiences and things I've fought through for most of my life. I don't get it at all, but hope it works for you.

I think some of you genuinely need to unpack why you believe that movements against racism, transphobia and misogyny must be lead by the most privielged among us. And why is it that there's this pressure for people like myself to step aside so that he may lead the conversation.

This kind of supremacist thought is the exact thing we generally advocate against. Trans people's lives being limited by cis peoples visions of them and black people's lives being limited by white people's vision of them. And yet in this conversation, you fight for his leadership

The leadership of a person I wouldn't even be referencing if they didn't show an indifference to misogyny, racism and transphobia. I get that a lot of his audience doesn't see this, but he feels exactly like every right leaning person who's ever attempted to smear me.

The feeling and interaction I had with him is identical to every anti-sjw who built their platform misrepresenting me as an "SJW" and tearing me down. Except this guy's supposed to be on my side and I'm supposed to be thankful for it.

I cannot imagine that his work is created for anything more than people who want to sit on their asses at home and feel like they're doing something while never actually challenging themselves. That's the impression I'm getting from the response to this stuff.

So now, I do have a fairly negative view of him. I really didn't before this conversation, now I think he's not a great person and I probably will always at minimum believe that his followers aren't critical enough to see through his tactics.

That said, as I said in other threads, you can guarantee that I will no longer be hosting conversations about his tactics on my page. I'm recognizing that it isn't that deep. He hosted a 7 hour livestream about me.

These streamers feed off of drama and conflict and I can acknowledge that my actions didn't help. This constant conflict and obsessive desire to tear down other creators is not conducive to the work, but is very entertaining to his audience. THAT is what they care about.

I'm leaving this conversation with the impression that THIS is why people wash Vaush. I think I already know that, but didn't understand the format enough to really clearly see that it's really just WWE battles with a political veneer. I have zero desire to entertain that.

And I never did so going forward, I just have zero reason to reference him, his work, his approach etc. I understand it now pretty clearly and there's nothing more to discuss.

I have a very hard time believing that a person who advocates for trans folks would devote so much time to using his platform to tear down the trans folks advocating for themselves and others. These ideas conflict in my opinion.

And also I DIDN'T believe Vaush was a misogynist before he contacted me and I left the conversation with a very solid understanding that he indeed is a misogynist. It would be too graceful for me to say he wasn't exactly as he continued to do misogynistic things.