Thread by @RomGothSam

Guys... has anyone read 'The Chemist' by Stephenie Meyer because this is one wild ride and I feel like I have stepped into a parallel universe.

Ok, let me take you on a journey with me. I'm about 160 pages in so I'll catch you up.

First, the premise of this book is that a professional (chemical) torturer is on the run after getting nixed by her department.

Yes, that's right. Our heroine is a professional torturer. 1/

She has targeted by assassins multiple times (who are, by the way, the baddies because she is a ... good torturer?) but that failed because she is very handy. Many science words. 2/

So, she gets set up. Asked to do a freelance mission which will get her out of 'the department's' crosshairs. All she has to do is kidnap and torture a guy suspected of nebulous terrorist planning with... a Latin American crime lord? 3/

She kidnaps this man, Daniel, who is, by all accounts, a teacher who coaches volleyball and helps habit for humanity and isn't a global terrorist but she doesn't know that. So she... well, she tortures the shit out of him.

Full on chemically induced torture.

4/

Just so we're all on the same page, it has become increasingly clear that this is the love interest. Their first interaction is kidnap. Their second is LENGTHY TORTURE. 5/

But it's ok, y'all! Because she thought she had a good reason! (Let's not even go into the politics here but suffice to say that I am anti-torture even for 'good reasons' 🤮)

Anyway, Daniel's brother parachutes in to the rescue. 6/

He beats the crap out of Alex (heroine) and is gassed in his turn. She realises she's been set up and frees Daniel who... is entirely concerned with a) keeping a blanket wrapped around his naked tortured body and b) how hurt she looks 7/

Meanwhile, in a corner, I am dying.

At this point in the story, they've all teamed up to survive the plot against them. Daniel is like a giant puppy, angry at his brother for lying to him for years and very much protective of... the women who JUST TORTURED HIM 8/

There's also been the usual Meyer shenanigans including my personal favourite - a heroine who is or looks like a teenager! Weird absolutisms about gender! Inexplicable instantaneous love! Throwing around the term 'androgyny' to mean 'wears a hoody' 9/

Time for some quotes!

Behold Meyer's nuanced take on gender and work. Pretty people and science don't mix, you know. People with *checks notes* boobs have *checks notes* better things to do!

#feminism

Right, so now they're all on the (kid you not) dog training farm(?)

They're all happily gung-hoing it up at a make shift shooting range although, of course, she is not as good as the man who hasn't shot a weapon in years. Because he is a man, he is a natural. Obvs.

Lmao. No-one told puppy-dog Daniel when you're in hiding from multiple government agencies, you shouldn't go out grocery shopping willy-nilly greeting everyone and being generally a friendly retriever of a human being. Not gonna lie. At this stage, I kind like the doofus. 12/

The 'apex predator'. I die.

Don't worry! I may be genius level smart, physically agile, wily, almost undetectible and always one step ahead but I will never be as good as you. A stupid man. Who is tall.

Well, the torture happened 3(?) days ago so it's time to move onto the smooching!

A romantic meal for two, a birthday candle in the shape of a 1 for ambience, a bit of 'washing up in comfortable tandem' and he goes in for the kiss.

14/

However, he forgot about cool things like 'consent' and 'checking your partner is on the same page' and triggered her fight or ...fight response.

She's now questioning what the hell he was doing (fair on so many levels) 15/

"I just... I'm sorry, what was that?"

A shade of impatience crossed his expression. "Well I was about to kiss you."

I'm sorry, sir? A SHADE OF IMPATIENCE? That a woman doesn't want to kiss you?

*Hissing* Red flag

16/

Ah yes, and now we're at the

'It's not Stockholm syndrome because I fancied you on the train BEFORE you kidnapped me'

stage of the romance

17/

Very normal. Very cool. Nothing to see here. 18/

The love affair is well underway but worry not! He is, 'perfect gentleman', which means these two consenting adults who are both sexually active won't be engaging in any sexual shenanigans. Phew. I wouldn't want any of that FILTH in my wholesome torturer/victim romance tale. 19/

Also, the grocery trip has come back to bite them in the ass because there is now a nation-wide missing persons bulletin out for him. And he was seen by... a teenage girl! In a shop! And she will, of course, instantly have fallen in love with him. 20/

Well, while they were doing the washing up all lovely-dovey, the single character of colour was dispensed with with a quick sniper rifle shot to the head.

Now they're on the run! Involved a complicated trained dog sequence, a boat, kevlar lined furs and a lot of crawling! 21/

Who was this now deceased character? Arnie. The 'half-latino, half native-american' man who lived with the brother but not in a gay way (obvs). I was worried for him from the start and his incidental death to warn the white people the baddies are here fulfils the worry. 22/

Taking a small break to reset my brain. It has been slowly dripping out of my ears for a while now. 23/

Ok...so I *said* I was going to take a break but I actually ended up just going into another room and reading more. Great work me.

Anyway! The action went down here! Escapes! Chases! Murder! Gripping stuff. 24/

And then, of course, we get to see her torture a few people. Is she still in the torturing game? Yup. But this time, she's using bolt cutters and knee-capping people. 😬 25/

Also, for those who might read this book and need the warning, SEVERAL dogs die. 26/

Anyway, they're off in the super conspicuous gas-guzzling humvee. Trying to keep a low profile, he pulls some macho bullshit in a gas station when a group of teens in hoodies (the irony) cause some bother. Staying under the radar like a champ. 27/

They then have a heart to heart where he explains killing people for the first time was super easy because he was protecting her. In fact 'he didn't realize he was capable of feeling so...primal'.

*Eyes roll of down the hill* 28/

Being a man is feeling the urge to brutally kill people for romance reasons.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the macho incident, Daniel reveals his teaching strategy.

Intimidation! With a gun!

After all,

'Most kids just want some to take control. It makes them feel more secure.'

Frankly glad he's lost his old life as a teacher at this point.

I'm fairly sure the gun part was situation specific, in fairness to Daniel, who brought a weapon to intimidate teenagers in a store. I think it's just steel-jawed intimidation and the threat of his ridiculously overplayed physical strength and height that he uses at school.

ONLY ONE BED

Except that bed is in the back of a hot car full of guns.

But they still fit a super awkward (really rough) kissing session (bearing in mind she is already seriously injured...)

So rough in fact that one of the dogs attacks him.

ROMANCE

32/

I just want one normal interaction between these two. Just one. Is it too much to ask?

33/

Anyway... they're now declaring love. Well, he is. But she isn't because she doesn't know if it's love.

Her lack of romantic attachments apparently makes her 'emotionally backward. Defective, even.'

Great little arophobic insert there, Stephenie. Thanks. 34/

Oh, I also haven't mentioned the terrible mental health rep! DID and obsessive-compulsive disorder have both been brought up. Obsessive-compulsive is when you like tidy things, right? (Sarcasm) I won't tell you the DID stuff because it's gross. 35/

The references are passing but they just play into horrible stereotypes and are clearly uninformed by anything even vaguely resembling reality. 36/

You're pretty much caught up with me now. They're hiding out in a cabin. They've finally had sex. The description was giving me Barbara Cartland and a few of you will know EXACTLY what I mean there. 36/

They're about to set their plan in motion now. They'll be teaming up with the brother again (who's been off in DC doing surveillance or something) and then they're going to... do something. It is not entirely clear. 37/

Oh, but wait, I forgot to mention that instead of sleeping the night before they spring into action, they had sex for so long that they only got 30 minutes of sleep. Allos. I swear to god. 38/

Make it stop. A casual reminder that he's a teacher.

Also...

'Slip me the tongue'

Noooooooo

Daniel always has time for another red flag. Talking about his ex-wife.

'I thought I could fix her'

Ah, they are now hiding out in the apartment of an impossibly beautiful blonde woman. As there are now two women on the same page, they are, of course, engaged in a tense face off about their relationship to the two men. Who are both ogling her ass. 41/

Kevin informs the icy beauty (Val) that she shouldn't worry because Alex 'isn't a real woman'. To which, Daniel, of course, takes offence.

An interesting question. What is a 'real woman' to Stephenie.

If a man is one who brutally kills for love... a woman is killed for? 42/

Ah, just in case there was any lingering doubt about the possibility of his being gay with his life partner Arnie... he is now being incredibly heterosexual with the blonde beauty. (I am presuming that bisexuality doesn't exist in Meyer-world but maybe I wrong it) 43/

Well, Val is apparently a dominatrix who is massively into torture and hearing about Daniel's ordeal. So that's a solid understanding of kink from Stephenie there. 44/

I sometimes worry about these threads if they get outside my circle. Will people be able to read my sarcasm? I'm just presume most of what I'm saying is sarcastic, honestly. Safer. 45/

When the girls aren't talking about men and torture, they are, of course, talking about dieting.

46/

Also, if you're thinking 'GOOD LORD, there are a lot of typos.'

Yes, hello. Welcome to my instant thoughts read-along thread. I don't proofread before posting. Just my hot takes fresh off the press xD 47/

Lmao. Val (icy beauty) told Kevin (brother) than Daniel and Alex were together and Kevin disbelieved it so he... picked the lock, came upon them having sex, drew a gun on her and accused her of drugging his brother. 48/

Now everyone is half-dressed and shouting at each other.

*Insert macho posturing here*

Kevin, quite reasonably, asks 'why are you sleeping with the woman who tortured you?'

Daniel is surprised this is even considered an issue. 49/

This allows for Daniel's immortal reply

'You're supposed to be so tough, so dangerous. And yet you're saying you'd let a little pain come between you and the woman you wanted? Really?"

SHE. TORTURED. YOU. 50/

On Kevin's side for once. 51/

Although I just wouldn't let the untrained civilian with no purpose come with us.

As Meyer keeps reminding me though he has the exact same genetics as his twin though which presumably means the exact same skills and knowledge.

Because that is how genetics works. 52/

Hey guys, I bet you can't guess the code that the super spy uses for all his top secret stores...

HIS BIRTHDAY!

53/

Drama's heating up. They are enacting the plan! I think the plan is to try and get the two heads of their respective departments (or whoever is in charge of their cases). But they have also just nebulously discovered what case they both have in common making them targets ... 54/

Val, the only other woman, is proving useful by deploying her make up skills to give Alex a 'new face'.

55/

Lmao. OF COURSE.

'The face of the woman in the mirror was unmarred and perfect. Her skin looked liked it belonged to a dewy fourteen year old.'

56/

TWIST!
They've discovered the man pulling the strings of both their bosses is a wannabe vice-president. Pity neither of them followed politics at all (!) because 'politicians are just puppets' to (we must presume) the deep state? They might have sorted this mess out earlier. 57/

The politics here are looking a bit... deep state-y. Not gonna lie.

Republican? Democrat? Who cares! They are but puppets.

Although Daniel, the puppy of naivety, is mildly sad that a conservative right senator from Washington State is getting in?

58/

Well... I guess they're just planning to straight up murder 3 people now. Didn't actually check that the prospective vp was the right target. Just... went and poisoned his nicotine patches with a painful toxin. 59/

Oh no! A CHILD is staying at the house of one of the prospective murder victims... I mean baddies. Now we can't poison the orange juice!

60/

Uhoh! Seems like Kevin might have been captured! It's all gone to shit. The plan! The beautiful, poorly thought out plan!

61/

I may be wrong but I think our heroine's solution is going to prove to be kidnapping and threatening the granddaughter of her murder target. Nothing says 'good guys' like threatening to torture children. 62/

Yup. She's kidnapping a child from the zoo. 63/

Ok. So she's threatening to kill the kidnapped child. I think it's an idle threat but that's what she's using as leverage. She's risking everything to go in and get Kevin out of whatever black ops centre having to trust her own boss (the grandad) isn't double crossing her. 64/

If that wasn't clear (which...fair) she's kidnapped her ex-boss's grandkid as leverage so he will help her get into the black ops site where is partner is torturing Kevin (the brother). She's going to pretend to be a torturer and then... get him out. Somehow? 65/

Well, THAT was action packed. The plan was apparently 'to get a gun in his hands' and it has mostly gone well except for a) the ex-boss getting shot b) Daniel getting shot and c) the other bad guy escaping. 66/

And, oh no! What's this! Daniel has been shot in the heart!? Definitely dead!?

SURPRISE (not surprised)

It's a Chekhov's reverse twin situation. Excitingly Daniel's heart's on the OTHER side of his body. Wahey! 67/

I anticipated the reveal somewhat there. We've got a few more pages of obfuscation and manufactured sorrow until we're reminded he's a reverse twin with his heart on the right. Apologies. 68/

They are just killing everyone here now because, of course, these guys 'just doing their job' in the torture centre are qualitatively different from our heroes who spent their lives 'just doing their job' as torturers and killers.

Despite being shot and having no access to proper trauma care, he lives!

Because 'he did share all of Kevin's physical characteristics; he was engineered to survive.'

Manly men survive bullet wounds to the chest through the sheer power of manliness. Don't you know. 70/

Ah, I see it runs in the family. Kevin celebrates them being alive by grabbing Alex and kissing her.

'Alex wrenched her head to the side, finally feeling something again - nausea.'

Just fun and japes.

(Why would you include that? Why!?)

71/

Oh lmao. They took Daniel to the vet's to get him patched up.

Actually perfect.

72/

All is well that ends well. Can you guess how the story ends? You've got about 3 minutes before I finish it to chime in!

73/

That's right! As you all imagined, they opened a karaoke bar and grill together! All three of them! Daniel (now Nathaniel) and Alex (now Ellis) are married and he has gone full lumberjack. Kevin is pretending to be Kevin the bar's bouncer. THE END! 74/

I will leave you with one more uplifting quote from the guy who rang their bar with an offer to be on tv (which they refused)

It 'felt very much like being shut down after asking a charity date to prom.'

Lovely.

75/75

Correction: Kevin is pretending to be Kenneth. Although honestly Kevin pretending to be 'Kevin the bouncer' wouldn't be too off from his usual style.

What is my prize for completing this? Tell me there is some sort of prize.

This is getting outside my circles now so I hope it doesn't get weird... but if you enjoy my book thread, I usually do 18th century Gothic books.

Eh voila!

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