One of the most helpful things my mother (an LPC) ever taught me about abuse dynamics was this: The greater the disparity between public persona and private reality, the greater the dysfunction.
Here's why this understanding is so important...
Here's why this understanding is so important...
We all understand that the version of ourselves people see in public is not exactly the same as the version someone might see if they observed us at home. We lose our tempers. We snap back. We fail to keep our responsibilities. And not everyone sees all of our worst qualities...
This is normal. In fact, we assume that people and relationships have more flaws and failures than we can observe in acquaintance or even friendship.
But in a healthy person, marriage, or home, there is limited disparity between perception and reality.
Imagine that ...
But in a healthy person, marriage, or home, there is limited disparity between perception and reality.
Imagine that ...
10 is the best marriage ever, and 1 is the most horrible, abusive marriage ever. Even when we observe a marriage that appears to be a 10, we assume they have their 7 or 8 moments.
Likewise, we assume that if there really were marriages that were a 1 or a 2, ...
Likewise, we assume that if there really were marriages that were a 1 or a 2, ...
they would appear in public as no more than a 4 or 5. We assume that there's a standard variance to the difference between public personal and private reality.
The truth is that the greater the dysfunction (abuse) the *greater* the disparity between public and private...
The truth is that the greater the dysfunction (abuse) the *greater* the disparity between public and private...
Abusers strive to groom and test those in their circles and communities, carefully cultivating a very positive image. In the meantime, this positive image gives them cover (and lack of accountability) to sink into deeper and deeper abuse behind closed doors. ...
When a victim who appears to be in a 10 marriage shares that her marriage is a 3, we balk. We can't fathom a person or relationship that is so vastly different in appearance and reality. Because this is outside of our experience of private/public variance, we discount her report.
That's why this truth is so important for churches and church leaders to grasp:
The greater the disparity between public persona and private reality, the *greater* the dysfunction.
#churchtoo
The greater the disparity between public persona and private reality, the *greater* the dysfunction.
#churchtoo
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