Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

In a Galaxy...sorta far away and a long time ago which means everyone involved in the story has been decade for millions of years...comes a story about @Soundsaboutleft slayin' ass and Jedi skull-fucking people.

This is Star Wars: A New Revenue Stream

#MayThe4thBeWithYou

Before I begin you must understand I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

I technically love Empire Strikes Back more, but this movie is amazing.

That being said, I'm going to do my normal "Idiot makes dumb comments as a live review" schtick.

It stars the amazing @MarkHamill, the wonderful Carrie Fisher (RIP), the cool as hell Harrison Ford, Alec "So Badass" Guinness, James "Voice Lifts Your Soul" Earl Jones, and...you know what. Everyone in this movie is incredible.

So let's dive into one of my favorite movies and make dumb comments that'll piss off all fanboys/fangirls/fanpeople ever.

been dead*

No decades

We start off with text, which sucks because I don't read. What am I? A nerd?

Nerds don't watch Star Wars.

So the text says like...there's a bad Empire that is making shit bad and there are rebels who want to make the empire stop wrecking shit and shit is like...whack.

We then see stars.

IT'S FULL OF STARS

We see a space battle of a large space...ship destroyer thingy blasting the dick off a small ship.

Quite a metaphor for the empire vs the rebels...AM I RIGHT???

We see a couple robots going down a hallway while people in helmets that look like a bad cosplay for the Carpenter and the Walrus remake.

This is R2D2 (trashcan) and C3P0 (whiner).

The empire break into the rebel ship and the Stormtroopers prove that they're somehow better shows than the rebels.

Let that sink in. The rebels are worse shots than the Stormtroopers.

And...calling them stormtroopers while a dude in all black making...look.

It's VERY ON THE NOSE.

Darth Vader...German for father...just...ALL ON THE NOSE

Like Harry Potter spells kind of shit.

Whiner is looking for trashcan, but trashcan is busy dispensing money like an ATM to Princess Layya.

Whiner whines as trashcan is on a mission from Go...errr...the princess.

Some of the rebels are taken hostage by Darth "Awesome Voice" Vader.

Vader is strong. Like...lift you up and choke you the fuck out without breaking a sweat kind of strong.

The kind of strong that he breaks your neck as an oopsy.

Darth is looking for the princess and for another bank of oxygen.

The stormtroopers continue to have great aim as they set their phasers to Star Trek.

Oh, shit. I just realized someone. Stormtroopers have a reverse home advantage.

When they're on other people's turf, they kick ass.

HOLY SHIT. MIND BLOWN.

So the princess gets got while the whiner and trashcan take an escape pod.

We then get the dumbest person in the empire going "Hey...no need to shoot that escape pod coming from the rebel ship. There's no life forms. Oh...did I tell you I suffer from brain damage and don't know what a droid is."

Princess Leia then meets her dad.

She's like "DADDDDDD!! I WANT TO REBEL AGAINST YOU AND THE EVIL EMPEROR WHO MANIPULATED YOU BY SAYING HE KNEW A STORY ABOUT A POWERFUL SITH LORD!!"

Darth is like "We're going to keep you here and not torture you."

Some nerd officer on the ship tries to tell Darth that it's a bad idea to keep her because of sympathy.

Uh...you control the means of communication. It's called propaganda.

I would dominate that empire

Then some other nerd is like "LOL...no plans here. An escape pod without life when down tot he planet."

Darth is like "YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. OBVIOUSLY THAT'S A KEY PLOT POINT OF THIS MOVIE SCRIPT!!"

They then fuck off because actually getting the plans that show THE VULNERABILITY OF YOUR GOD DAMN DEATH WEAPON IS A TASK YOU JUST GIVE TO SOME RANDOM ASSHOLE TO DO!!!

Meanwhile, Whiner and Trashcan are on a desert planet we will see 2398239892398 times because Star Wars writers/producers either don't have the imagination or the guts to set it on any other planet.

TATOOINE IS A BACKWATER SHITHOLE AND YET YOU HACKS ALWAYS SET STUFF THERE!!

Whiner is like "I'm not going to follow you."

Trashcan is like "Fine...fuck off."

They split ways and the harsh desert makes quick work of whiner's whiny ass circuits.

Whiner then sees someone...I don't know.

Then trashcan gets got in a canyon by jawas.

They're little fuckers in cloaks that scheme. They're basically like elementary kids given too much sugar.

Trashcan is given a ...shocking greeting.

I'll give Star Wars universe this. They have tech that doesn't fuck up electronics when you blast it with a blast of electricity.

So, basically, this is the droid equivalent of chloroform.

The jawas take them back to their vehicle that is the size of one of those big ass dump trucks they use in strip mining.

Oh, look. They're using a massive magnet that doesn't fuck up any of trashcan's shit.

We the Wasp from Antman and Wasp inside the vehicle as trashcan wakes up with a hangover.

He's like "Ugh, how much headlight fluid did i drink?"

We see more zany characters that seem very impractical as usable droids, but what the fuck do I know? I didn't live long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Then we see shitty CGI that was added by some asshole unnecessarily because fuck if I can get a copy that doesn't have this shit on it.

We then see Stormtroopers combing the desert.

We cut to whiner and trashcan getting sold off by these robed fuckers.

This opens up all kinds of ethical questions about their universe.

Like the droids seem sentient, but these people treat them like fod...oh god.

This...this is going to open up a can of worms about humanity I don't want to get into.

MOVING ON!

We cut to Luke "Darth is my Daddy" Skywalker.

Which, I have to admit, is a cool as shit name.

If I named one it'd be like Hank Dongswinger.

We see Luke's uncle perusing the droids and figuring out which one he wants to buy so he can exploit their labor.

His uncle tells Luke to get to cleaning the droids, but Luke is like "I want to go shoot up crank with my friends while shooting womp rats or some shit."

At first trashcan is left behind because the uncle picked a diff. r2.

Whiner doesn't seem to give a shit. R2 would never abandon C3PO, but here you go. Whiner is awful.

Luckily, the other r2 shits the bed and trashcan is bought instead

We then hear Whiner thank a higher power as he's given a bath.

I should point out that Luke is watching droids getting washed.

Kinky.

Whiner then is like "What a shithole planet. I mean I don't even know what it is. How stupid would it be if every movie or tv show was set here? I mean...just shitty writing. Right??"

Then Luke treats the droids like droids instead of the best friends that ...fuck it.

There's no consistency in this universe.

Luke is trying to fix something in trashcan when the princess' message loops.

Gotta say. For a civilization that can do warp speed, their video tech is dogshit.

Luke falls in love with his sister and oh god you hear that this was never planned (the sibling bit)...and I have to believe it to keep my sanity.

Imagine finding out you have the hots for your sister (who you kiss) before you find out she's your sister.

UGHHH

Oh...and the message is for an Obi Wan Kenobi. Luke is like "I wonder if she means someone who is on this shithole planet with the same last name. I mean...has to be...there's like 8 people here. God...it'd be stupid if they kept setting films in this backwater craphole."

Luke tries to play back the whole thing, but there's a bolt that stops it. The...restraining bolt thingy that keeps the trashcan from fucking off.

Luke gets played by trashcan.

Before he can realize that, he gets called to dinner.

We've seen what food is like for them and it sucks. I mean, I guess, they're not human and, so, their digestion would be different than ours.

Eating womp rat asshole is probably like chocolate to them.

Luke comes in and mentions Obi Wan and his uncle/aunt act like a kid caught in a lie. "OBI WAN? WHO IS THAT!!???"

Then the uncle says "You wipe that god damn droid's memory or I'll womp your rat!"

Luke is talking about staying on another season and how he wants to go to college.

His uncle is like "COLLEGE BOY, EH? I'LL SHOW YOU GOOD!!! Let me get my switch!!"

His aunt is like "Let him go...his friends have left this crappy planet. Like his dad, he wants to leave."

The uncle is like "Remember when my half-brother got got by lava because he didn't have the high ground? What an idiot."

Then Luke goes out to look at multiple suns.

Which gets into an interesting question about what they'd do if they came to earth. How does that affect their mass/weight/eye sensitivity, etc.?

Luke goes inside and Whiner is like 'The Trashcan fucked off.'

Luke uses some lame binoculars that tell him there's fuck all around.

If only you had a drone to look around with night vision.

They decide to wait until sunrise in order to find him.

The next day the uncle/aunt are talking as the aunt makes assswamp soup.

Again...I assume they eat food that would make our stomachs explode and vomit to come out of our eyes

We then cut to the Triscuit Raiders. They used to be the Los Angeles Raiders, but they moved.

We then get the Triscuit Raiders getting on their bant...somethings...we'll call them shit buffalos.

Luke is peeping on them when one jumps up and screams like they just ate hot soup

Triscuit Raiders take Luke hostage while trashcan watches on making sounds I can only assume are his moans of joy. He's got a weird kink.

The Triscuits start to rob Luke's shit when the Dread Pirate Roberts shows up and yells "I'VE SEEN YOU WITHOUT YOUR MASK!!"

This is Kenobi. He's a dude wearing robes. Oh, man. Imagine if future writers had all jedi wearing similar robes that are obviously for the desert?

I mean...just shitty writing and a terrible understanding of the ...ah fuck it.

Luke is like "Do you know a Kenobi" and Kenobi is like "Oh...that asshole. He's not dead. LOL. I'm me and he is I and we are all together...WALRUS."

Kenobi is like "I haven't gone by that name in a long time. I was smart and changed my name from Obi-Wan Kenobi to Ben Kenobi. No one can find me!!!"

Then Kenobi makes some kind of snide remarka bout the Triscuits as they go and pick up Whiner's bodyparts.

Then Kenobi lays down some truth on him about his dad.

You see Luke's dad was a Jedi Knight and a great star pilot and warrior. And they were good friends.

Of course Kenobi is lying because I've seen the prequels. Anakin was awful at everything. Just an easy to manipulate idiot

Kenobi then gives Luke a lightsaber.

Man..imagine if people became obsessed with that. It'd be stupid.

Oh...and the Jedi watched over the old republic for a thousand generations.

Way to cock all that up, Anakin.

So the original trilogy is a masterpiece. The prequels looks at all that and went "Can we ruin that?"

And they did.

We then find out about the force.

"It's this thing that's in all of us...except in some it's in more and they're these microscopic bugs or some shit. I mean...the prequels really do cock this all up. Just...awful writing. Wait...people like those shitty films???"

Kenobi then watches the videos and sees the princess.

Can I point out that Kenobi DOES NOT say something to Luke like "Oh, and don't fuck her. No particular reason, just don't. Just...EWWW."

Kenobi decides to bring Luke with him. "I'm going to train you to fuck up shit on this mission."

Luke, at first, is like "I would TOTALLY HELP YOU destroy the Empire, but I have work."

Even in their universe you can't get Paid time off

Luke then is like "I can take you as far as this town. Oh...yeah...I know you've lived on this planet for longer than me, but I'm going to treat you like you just came here. Yeah...kinda a plothole or just me being an asshole youth."

We cut to the Empire starship where the commander is talking shit as Grand Dolph Lundgren enters with Darth.

Can I FUCKING POINT OUT THAT DARTH IS NOT THE LEADER ON THIS SHIP FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

He's like the Emperor's representative, not Grand Dolph Lundgren.

Darth doesn't even have the ability to sit down.

Grand Dolph Lundgren tells everyone "We went full 1930s Germany. We liquidated the last bits of the republic."

Then one dude is like "Those plans can give them a way to find a vulnerability in our ship."

Then some assucker goes "NUH UH. OUR SHIP IS PERFECT. IT'S CALLED THE TITANIC!"

Then Darth Vader says something really, really fucking stupid.

"The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant to the power of the Force."

Uh huh. Try using the force when your asshole is atomized by the Death Star.

The guy on the ship rightly calls Darth out on his shitty devotion to an arch...OH MAN. THIS IS SOME CHURCH/STATE commentary right here.

In fact Darth gets SO pissed off at being told correctly that he's a jackoff, that he begins to force choke a dude.

Imagine having some asshole coworker who chokes you the fuck out every time he disagrees with you.

Darth is the kind of asshole who microwaves fish.

Grand Dolph Lundgren tells Darth to stop and he does...which means Darth sees Dolph as his superior.

DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT??? HE'S JUST SOME NERD ASS EMPEROR LIASON!

Grand Dolph is like "Hey, jackasses. We have shit to do. Let's get ready to skullfuck the planet Adderall."

We then cut to the jawas dead as dicks.

Kenobi is like "Look at how accurate these shots are. Only the stormtrooprs when not on their home turf can do this. I mean if we were on one of their ships? The jawas would have felt a light breeze."

Luke is like 'Why would the troops want to kill the jawas...I mean...that would mean they were able to track them back to my house...somehow. I mean...did they torture the jawas to get my location? Did they use GPS tracking data???"

Luke goes back to his house and is like "UNCLE? AUNT? IS OUR SHITTY ASSHOLE-DESTROYING FOOD READY? IT CERTAINLY SMELLS LIKE IT!!"

Then he sees their burning corpses.

Can I point out that Darth was like "LOL...my half-brother got got by stormtroopers. They literally burned them to death. I loved my mom and she loved him..but fucking hilarious LOL LOL."

THIS IS WHY THE PREQUELS ARE SO FUCKING STUPID!!

Then we cut to Darth going into the princess' jail cell with a dalek.

He's like "I'm going to torture the shit out of my daughter after I had my half-brother burned to death all the while hoping to kill my old best friend and my son."

Darth is a douche

Luke goes BACK to Kenobi and is like "GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!"

Trashcan is ...HAHAHA...TRASHCAN THROWS ANOTHER JAWA ON THE PYRE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT!!

Luke is like "I'm coming with you. I'm going to wear desrt robes like you."

Kenobi is like "Uh. No. This was just the robes we wear on a desert planet. I mean...what asshole would think all jedi wore these?"

Then we see more obnoxious CGI "funny bits" that distract from the movie because Lucas was a hack fraud by the time the 90s rolled around.

We cut to the city of Moss Ivy.

Where we see more SHITTY CGI.

FUCK THIS CGI. FUCK EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THIS!

Then..GET OUT OF THE GOD DAMN SHOT CGI. GET OUT OF THE SHOT!!

Then we see troopers asking about the droids. Kenobi does the jedi mindtrick.

Luke is like "Awesome. We should always use this power."

Kenobi slaps Luke and says "We can't. This is like the eagles in LOTR. Fuck off!!"

Luke and Kenobi then go into a bar.

Kenobi is like "The best pilots can be found here. Maybe a sexy one who'll fall in love with your sister."

We go inside the bar. The bartender is like "NO DROIDS! THIS IS A SOCIAL COMMENTARY!!!"

I like the one creature that looks like a demon. Cool as shit.

Oh...and Kenobi is making deals.

Luke walks around and is like "I wonder what the drinking age laws are in this universe. I mean it'd be weird and stupid if we followed the same aging as humans who live possibly millions of galaxies away."

Luke then offends some spiderface looking asshole and some pigface looking asshole is like "We don't like you. I have a death sentence on 12 systems."

Like...are you hitting on him? Oh...you literally hit on him.

Kenobi then cuts that asshole's arm off with his saber.

People stare for a second and then go back to get fucked up because...ya know. They're the kind of people getting hammered at 2pm (or whatever) on a weekday (or whatever)

We get some great music as Luke meets Hung Solow along with his friend Chewy (he sells pet supplies).

Hung then brags about his ship the Century Hawk and how it was able to make the whatever run in 12 parsecs.

What I love about people is they'll go 'OBVIOUSLY HE KNOWS 12 PARSECS ISN'T A SPEED. HE'S BRAGGING ABOUT FINDING A SHORTCUT."

Or, hear me out, Lucas didn't know what a parsec was.

Hung proves my point by going "I've outrun starships and she's fast enough for you, old man."

So...again. STOP PRETENDING THE PARSECS BIT WAS ON PURPOSE.

Hung is like "What's the cargo."

Kenobi goes "Just us and my massive dong."

Then Han asks for 10,000.

Which sounds like it can almost buy you a ship.

So if 10k buys you a ship...how much does a god damn sandwich cost?

Like...if it's a credit. That means you ...fuck it. I keep forgetting this was made back when you could buy a house for $3 and a pack of gum.

And say what you want about the Empire, they kept inflation down.

Just saying.

Kenobi is like "I'll give you 2k now and 15k later."

Hung is like "Sounds good."

Then we see troopers. You know...you could just do that mind trick shit again.

HELLO? MIND TRICK. HELLO? YOU CAN USE IT AGAIN!!!

Then Kenobi is like "Sell your speeder. That'll get us like 2k or about 83928392 houses here on Desert Shithole."

Then we cut to what is one of the WORST changes in movie history.

HUNG SHOT FIRST. HE BLASTED GREEDO RIGHT IN THE MOUTH AND GREEDO LOVED IT SO MUCH HE PASSED OUT!!

Greedo is like "Pizza the Hut wanted his money, but it's too late. I'm here to shoot you."

Oh..and Greedo wants the money and HE HAD NO REASON TO SHOOT FIRST SO THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT DONE BY AN OLD MAN WHO HATES HIS FANS!!!

Greedo 100% wouldn't have shot first. He 1) wanted the money and if not 2) He said that Hung could give up his Century Hawk ship as payment.

So, again, fuck this change.

We then cut to the ship where Darth is listening in and adds his two bits as Grand Dolph Lundgren makes the decisions.

Grand Dolph Lundgren is like "We're going to do worse shit. Like...1930s Germany bad shit."

They want to blow up a planet. Darth seems annoyed

Meanwhile, Whiner and Trashcan are hiding from the troopers and shitty CGI.

We cut to Luke whining that he didn't get enough for his speed...er.

As they go to Hung's ship, someone in a plague mask follows them.

Then we cut to another HORRIBLE addition to these movie.

The Pizza the Hut scene. The one cut from the theater cut for a reason.

But they add here so they can ADD GOD DAMN BOBA FETA!

I hate this stupid updated version.

So my guess is that Lucas' wife (who edited this movie from a pile of garbage to teh masterpiece it is...LOOK IT UP) cut this scene and Lucas was so bitter about the divorce that he added this back in as a "fuck you" to her.

So this...IS THAT GREEDO? IS THAT GOD DAMN GREEDO IN THIS SCENE?

I mean...if it's not greedo, it's his god damn clone.

Fuck it. I don't care. That scene was dumb.

The plague mask is following behind as they get to the Century Hawk.

The ship that Luke calls a "piece of junk" but everyone in every god damn movie after this treats as if it's some glamorous thing to worship.

Because of bad writing.

Turns out the plague mask had brought the troopers to the Century Hawk.

They then begin to shoot, but Hung has plot armor and they must be too close to their starship, so they begin to suck at shooting again.

And the empire is so dumb, they don't have any ships on the planet to stop them.

In fact there's just a few cruisers there to blockade.

You have tie fights...YOU HAVE TIE FIGHTERS...WHY DIDN'T YOU SEND THEM DOWN? WHY?

Then Luke starts complaining about how he would have totally jumped into lightspeed faster if he was in charge.

Then we see the Deathstar approaching the princess' home planet.

I don't think we ever see the Deathstar jumping into hyperspace, but holy shit that must be a sight to see.

Grand Dolph Lundgren brings the princess into his room and he's like "LOL...I'm going to kill all of your friends and family and everything you know."

You'd think that her home...oh right. I forgot her home planet has no weapons.

This is what happens when you grow complacent

Of course the princess breaks and gives up the rebel base.

Grand Dolph Lundgren is like "LOL...I'm literally a nazi. I'm going to blow up your lame planet because I can only get turned on by blowing up billions of people."

Meanwhile, Luke is training. Kenobi gets cramps and senses the death of the planet.

Darth doesn't notice and Luke sure as shit doesn't.

So much for the chosen one.

Meanwhile, Trashcan and Pet Supplies (Chewy) play space chess, which is like chess...but dumber.

Oh...it's like that NES game Archon.

Oh...and we find out Pet Supplies is a shitty loser. "You beat me in space chess and I'll disassemble Johnny 5."

This is why you didn't get a medal at the end, Pet Supplies.

Then we see Luke getting schooled by some floating ball that shoots lasers.

A terrible writer would see what is obviously an improvised device for training and go "Maybe this is how all Jedis trained in their school."

But who would do that????!!!

Hung then slams the jedi order and says "A good blaster would win."

I mean..he's right. The stormtroopers killed all the jedi with enough blasters.

SO...

Hung 1
Jedie 0

Luke is like "You don't believe in the invisible force that you've never had any inexperience with."

Kenobi begins to scream about how his first amendment rights to push his religion on others is the most important thing ever.

Oh, man.

I...I keep getting reminded about the prequels because the prequels literally tried to map one-to-one everything from the original to the prequels WITH NO UNDERSTANDING APPARENTLY.

Luke then lies and says he totally could see what Kenobi mentioned...yeah, Luke. I totally believe you.

We then get more nerd shit.

Grand Dolph Lundgren is pissed the princess lied to him.

Uh...you lied to her, prick.

We then cut to a meteor shower.

I was going to say "Meteor showers don't act like that," but then you realize that that's just Adderall's remenants.

Then we see a Thai Fighter. It's trying to get away, but Hung wants to do some Muay Thai on its asshole.

The tie fighter begins to make its way to a moon, but THAT'S NO MOON.

Hung then makes the very wise decision to fuck off, but it's too late.

They're already getting sucked off...err...sucked in by the tractor beam.

Kenobi says to stop resisting and just go inside the moon.

Then you can totally go "THIS ISN'T THE MOVIE THEATER."

You know this whole civilization doesn't seem to have any form of entertainment besides booze and space chess. No wonder they're all so bitter.

Darth and some troopers go up to the Century Hawk.

Oh, man. The troopers are so fucked. They're on their home turf. They have no way of fighting or thinking anymore.

Oh...and, apparently, the idiots can't even do a life scan. I mean they can do it on escape pods (which they don't do on those are jettisoned), but not on the ship in their bay.

*coughs PLOT HOLE coughs*

Darth is like "send in a scanning crew..I mean...I don't know why we can't scan with our equipment...why wouldn't we have it in our hanger bay when we can scan pods hundreds of miles away...are...are we idiots??"

Oh...AND TEH SCANNING CREW LITERALLY JUST WALKS AROUND THE SHIP FOR A COUPLE MINUTES LOL!!

OH, man.

Everyone in that galaxy is straight up stupid.

Finally, they have 2 UNGUARDED MEN go on the ship with a device to scan.

They are beaten up LITERALLY FEET AWAY from the troopers.

Then Hung is like "Come help us."

The troopers, apparently, have never once talked to the people carrying the scanning equipment because they instantly go up to the stranger's voice.

Then some nerd is like "LOL...I can't hear you talk," so they open the door and blast everyone in teh control room.

Man...so...so many...never mind.

Luke rightly points out that htey made a ton of noise, but it doesn't matter.

Oh, and trashcan is a master hacker.

Like...the deathstar's computer has less security than a 7/11 ATM.

Kenobi is like "I'm going to go off on my own so I can get killed by your dad. Oh...Uh...look. Don't fuck the princess. TRUST ME."

Luke is like "All I heard was 'Fuck the princess.'"

As Kenobi leaves, Hung and Pet Supplies talks made shit about him. "That old asshole better not get a spin off tv show before I do."

Then we find out that the princess is scheduled to get put down.

Luke decides to go rescue her.

Hung doesn't want to go help until Luke realizes that Hung loves money.

Hung is like "let's go rescue the bank account."

Wait. You know this gives me questions about the economy of Star Wars. Do they have a banking system? Do they have a stock market? Do they ...ah fuck it. I'm putting more thougjsoifdkl

*passes out*

They come up with a plan to go as troopers taking Pet Supplies to a jail cell.

Then they'll rescue the princess and get all kinds of money from the person whose planet was destroyed and who...ah...fuck it.

We see a ton of people on this Deathstar and none of them can shoot for shit.

Luke and Hung go into the prison area and some nerd is trying to interrogate them.

One of the guards points a gun at them, but they don't know how to shoot.

In fact the power of the shitty trooper shot is starting to affect Luke and Hung and they just put on the armor.

They blast everyone in the fact with their ...uh...blasters.

Then Luke goes to get the princess.

Hung uses his best nerd voice to tell the people calling into the prison (who heard noises) to tell them "Uh..we're cool. Don't send anyone."

It doesn't work because

Luke opens the door into the princess and she calls him short.

Uh...so...the troopers have a minimum height apparently.

Luke is like "Hey, hot thing, I'm going to totally do it with you after we get out of here."

She's like "Let's go...dad is waiting."

Then Darth is like "Kenobi is here."

Grand Dolph Lundgren is like "All Jedis are gone but you. Gotta be awkward for you being an army of one."

Then Hung tells Pet Supplies to be like Satan...and get behind him.

They then do that whole...troopers trying to shoot at them and the troopers suck at shooting while Luke tries to get Whiner to give them a way out.

Man. Whiner is useless. I mean..he is a protocol droid, so we have to cut him some slack.

Princess Leia then shows how much of a badass she is by blasting the garbage cover and jumps in. She is legit so fucking cool.

They all tumble asshole over kettle after.

Now they're trapped in the garbage compactor and there's a creature inside of there. They're like Ernest in Ernest Scared Stupid meets Red Sonya.

Then we get a scene of them fighting off a trash creature and then the walls crushing them.

Man...Harrison Ford has at least 2 movies of him about to get crushed to death by a room (this and Temple of Doom)

This scene like:

We cut to Kenobi going "Where's my grandson? I'm lost"

Then he gets confused and crashes his car into the power supply of the Deathstar.

Oh, man. This...this is too dark even for me.

(We really do get some great banter b/w Leia and Han that establishes a relationship that will grow across the trilogy.)

We see a couple troopers just shooting the shit.

They're like "Wouldn't it be stupid if all of the original troopers were clones. I mean the Clone Wars definitely wouldn't refer to that. That'd be stupid as shit. Like...really stupid. Some of the worst writing ever."

Hahaha...I love Han Solo chasing after the Storm Troopers...just so awesome.

This one scene shows more character than the entire prequels combined.

Luke then saves the...uh...princess. That's funny. He uses his batman gear to swing across the gap.

Meanwhile, Kenobi keeps wandering around lost.

We get your typical chase scene.

You know. Where the troopers yell "Close the blast doors" and then "Open the blast doors" half a second later.

Then we see Darth Vader standing there with his lightsaber waiting for Kenobi.

We find out that Vader was his student. Which...uh...the prequels pretty much ignores because when they last met...he wasn't Kenobi's student. He was fully under the sway of the Emperor.

Then we get a scene between Darth and Kenobi.

RLM already did an amazing analysis of why these fights aren't about choreographed scenes 239823982 hours long but intense moments of character conflict shown through dialogue and literal swords clashing.

AH, man. I...the prequels are just so bad.

They completely misunderstand the original trilogy. Just...ugh.

Then Kenobi says "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can imagine. Like...I'll come back look blue and see thru and...uh...randomly say 'Use the force' to people. That's powerful!"

Then we cut b/w Luke and company trying to get on the ship and Kenobi/Darth fighting.

Like...this is one of the best scenes of any movie from that era.

It shows so much character conflict internally/externally.

We even see where Kenobi allows Darth to kill him, proving to Darth at Kenobi has more power than him.

It's...really powerful.

They then all get into the Century Hawk and go into Hyperactive speed

Luke is sad the dude he just met is dead and the princess conso...cons...tries to make him feel better.

That's when Hung is like "Get up into a gunner seat and blast these tie fighters."

What I love about all the designs were they went "Hugo Boss during the 30s."

If you get my meaning....google it.

OH man...I had to delete a line here that would have definitely gotten me in trouble, so just chuckle like you read it.

That's when we see Grand Dolph Lundgren is like "Good job letting them escape so we could track them. I'm just glad the tie fighters we sent to kill them didn't kill them."

Princess Leia is smart enough to point this out.

Hung, though, just wants that dolla.

Hung is a mercenary ...a capitalist.

A man who lives a...SOLO lifkjadslfkskasklfjskscx

We then get a (now) awkward scene where Luke is jealous that Hung is making advances on his sister.

Then we see some cop using one of those speed capturing devices as the Century Hawk comes in. They're going to get such a speeding ticket!

We then see the rebel base and the Deathstar is there.

We then see a rebel up in a watchtower with...a fucking spear.

A god damn spear.

I just assume it's actually a blaster, but this isn't some medieval castle, asshole.

We then cut to an All Hands Meeting that is a powerpoint about how to blow up the Deathstar.

My Atari had better graphics than this visual.

Then we find out that computers can't make this shot because, again, their computers suck.

Computers now could easily nail that spot now.

Just ask Mark Rober to do it

We then see Hung is leaving after he's gotten his money. Which, again, is physical.

So they have no bank transfer. Ya gotta carry your money around.

Awesome.

Hung is like "Fuck if I'll fight in this losing war."

Like...Luke has a reason to fight in this, but Hung doesn't.

Luke shames his ass, though.

We then cut to Luke going "I only wish the guy who I've known for a couple days was here. He...uh...I really didn't know much about him."

Then Luke meets an old friend...and...uh...trashcan is now Luke's ship droid.

Whiner is like "You better come back even though a few days ago I was fine leaving you with the jawas."

I mean...I guess this is what they call character growth or an arc, but I'm a terrible writer who sucks at that.

Luke then hallucinates and hears Kenobi talking to him.

Uh...Luke has been partly broken by Kenobi's death.

How s...OHHH...THE FORCE. shit...forgot

We then see the last of the rebel ships going to go fight the Deathstar.

I would have LOVED to have been at the meetings where they came up with its name.

"We could call it the Planet Shatterer."

"Naw. What if we wanted to blow up a moon or something?"

Also, I want to see the beaucratic wheels involved in the contracting out of the building of the Deathstar. Just...am I the only person who would kill for a Prequel for the Deathstar instead of all the shitty Star Wars movies they keep pumping out?

Like, can I get Disney to pay me to make a small film just about the people involved in the building of the Deathstar. We follow Sam Asstickler trying to get Form 73-AB-97-X signed by all the required people so they can start the bidding process for the work on the rec room.

I ..oh...shit. The movie is still going on.

Sorry, uh...the rebels are getting got by tie fighters and shit.

Back to the Deathstar Story. Sam Asstickler goes home to his wife and discusses the problems with getting Trey Tonguewagger to get behind his addendum to add extra protection on exhaust port, but Trey kills that and that's how we got the flaw in the plans.

We then do an after credit scene where Sam and Trey hear what happens to the Deathstar and how it happened and Sam looks at Trey and Trey does that whole "sucks in air because he knew he fucked up" face.

Oh, man. I would pay so much to watch this.

Do...do you guys think Disney would get behind me on this? I mean...it wouldn't cost that much money and could totally just be for Disney+.

Oh..uh. Right. Darth Vader and his cronies are blasting rebels who are trying to stay on target. Here's a hint. The only thing they stayed on was the side of the Deathstar as a smear.

One of Grand Dolph Lundgren's men is like "Uh...they might be going to that exhaust port that Trey refused to get the funding for. Maybe you should leave."

He's like "I'm staying on the Titanic."

Man...all of these poor bastards get got hard and die.

But the worst? Was the dude who took his shot and was all like "I FUCKING DID IT," but he didn't. He had to feel like shit.

Luke is like "I got this shit."

Man. Good thing Luke didn't know these people for the full 3 days he knew Kenobi else he'd be sad as shit at them all dying.

Then Luke asks Trashcan to fix a stabilizer. Here's hoping it's a software issue and not a some hardware because trashcan has no fucking hands.

We get intense moments of everyone but Luke getting proper fucked.

Then Luke hallucinates some more and decides to use the force instead of the Colecovision he was using.

Trashcan gets shot and the base is in range.

The Deathstar starts to warm up uh...why didn't you warm it up as you made your way around the moon?

Huh. Yeah...

Before Luke can get got by Vader, the Century Hawk comes in like a wrecking ball and allows Luke to fuckkkkk the Deathstar up as Vader flies off like he's Sandra Bullock.

Luke hallucinates some more "Thank you for believing in me old man who I just met."

Vader flies off and...uh. Wouldn't Darth die since the god damn ship he used to get there just blew the fuck up?

There's no way it has enough fuel to go back to t...fuck it.

They all get back to the base and celebrate. Well, except for trashcan getting blasted a bit.

Luke and Pet Supplies and Leia and Hung all walk off excited.

We cut to a ceremony that's pretty cool. Dozens of people stand around at attention while the person who was born into wealth and privilege looks on and gives Luke and Hung a medal.

Pet Supplies gets snubbed

And that was Star Wars.

It's considered a classic for a reason.

Now...can we please make the Making of the Deathstar prequel starring Sam and Trey?

@threadreaderapp unroll