Thread by @SlytherinZidian

The Word is 'Attempt'
Part 5
#jiangyanli #jiangcheng #jiangfengmian #yuziyuan #weiwuxian #jiangfamily fix it, canon divergence

Chapter 5 - Where do we go from here? Part 1

Part 4

https://twitter.com/SlytherinZidian/status/1520711520090480642

Part 1

https://twitter.com/SlytherinZidian/status/1519262754732920832

On her wedding day, Yu Ziyuan had already known her husband was in love with another woman (she wasn’t blind, she’d been with him and Cangse Sanren on nighthunts before..she’d seen the looks he gave the other woman).

She had only hoped he’d be courteous enough to do his duty towards her and any children they would have; that he would respect her and at the very least work together with her even if their marriage had to be one of pure duty.

She knew his heart was occupied and he’d made his disapproval of her well known to her long before any marriage talks were on the table, so she didn’t expect him to look happy.

However, his blank stare throughout the entire affair had hurt more than she’d expected, given that she was fully aware their marriage was an arrangement made by their parents and unwillingly accepted by her now-husband.

As a woman, she had expected to be married off even if she didn’t like it. She’d been prepared for the eventuality. It seems her new husband hadn’t even considered that the same might happen to him.

His disdain for her and the torch he carried for another man’s wife was enough for him to despise being forced by their parents to marry her and to maintain a stony face as a testament to how much he didn’t want to be there.

He didn’t want her to be Jiang-furen and everyone now knew it. So she’d let him have his wish in the only way she could while still maintaining her bruised pride. She’d demanded her own quarters and made sure everyone knew to call her Madame Yu.

Jiang Fengmian would never need to hear anyone call Yu Ziyuan Jiang-furen.

She didn’t acknowledge that she also did it for the part of her that would have been too hurt to see the expression on his face when she was called by the title he’d wanted to give to someone else.

So it was that their life went on with them coexisting somewhat peacefully (of course they’d have disagreements-- it was inevitable with their personalities being so opposite, but it wasn’t terrible) in their mutually agreed upon degree of separation.

A-Li was born and he was happy with his soft, mild daughter that looked nothing like her. Problems really began cropping up with A-Cheng’s birth. For A-Cheng was very much his mother’s son.

And though he was the heir that Lotus Pier had been anticipating, he was very much not the son his father wanted. And she’d felt the insult double down. She wasn’t the wife he’d wanted and now she’d given birth to an heir but he also didn’t want him.

Oh sure when A-Cheng was still a small baby he’d looked more fondly upon him. But unfortunately, soon enough it was clear as day that he was very much like her. And she’d see the heartbroken look on her poor, innocent son’s face every time his father ignored him

or chastised him for not doing things the way he would have done them and showed him his disappointment in him and the rage would build. She’d accepted his indifference towards her but her son didn’t deserve it just because she was his mother.

And thus their quarrels would soon become background noise in Lotus Pier. Every time he disregarded his son, she would be there to call him out on it, hoping that one day he’d finally actually listen to her and treat his son better.

But somewhere along the way, her good intentions had spiraled into something that became toxic and she hadn’t even realised it. When had her words, meant to help her son, start hurting him instead? How could she not notice that now she was also hurting her little boy?

A-Li had said she always made him feel like he wasn't good enough. But all she’d wanted to do was help him to get his father’s acknowledgment. If only he’d do better than Wei Wuxian then maybe, just maybe, Jiang Fengmian would look his way for something other than disappointment.

She could blame Wei Wuxian (she /had/ blamed Wei Wuxian) but really, it was her husband who was the issue. Wei Wuxian couldn’t help his natural ability. But her husband could help how he reacted to both boys. Her son always worked so hard. He worked harder than anyone else.

And though he hadn’t managed to surpass Wei Wuxian, if her husband hadn’t brought the boy home her son would be the top disciple in their sect. She’d only wanted her husband to see it. She didn’t realise that her words made A-Cheng think that she didn’t think he was good enough.

She never imagined that one day it wouldn’t just be her husband hurting their boy, but her too.
And she’d certainly never imagined that her husband would ever stand before her and acknowledge his faults...that he’d ever ask her to work together with him-- to give him a chance.

The simple fact is that she never thought that he’d ever /want/ a chance from her.

(In the first place it was him who had never given their marriage a chance. She was not Cangse Sanren and he’d disliked her well before their wedding day.

She lived all these years knowing that he simply could not care for her and it would have been okay if only he had cared for both children. She would have accepted it without a fuss. She did accept her own misfortune. But she’d rebelled against her son’s.)

It took two decades of marriage and their sweet daughter snapping to get them to acknowledge that things were not okay. Well, she’d always known things were not okay, but she hadn’t realised that as time passed she was also contributing to this state.

And Fengmian had never acknowledged anything she’d ever said but he’d certainly gotten a wake-up call when it was Yanli doing the scolding.

Him holding her hand and promising to do better was evidence enough of that. She had no idea what to say or how to react.

She was just stunned.

“You…”

She faltered. All of a sudden, the exhaustion from the last few weeks hit her all at once. She’d been worried the entire time the boys were gone.

The disciples were all subdued and she’d worked them harder to get all of their minds off of what could possibly be happening to their da-shixiong and heir while they were in the grasp of the Wens.

Then her son had come home all battered and bruised with no Wei Wuxian in sight. There was no love lost between her and the boy, but she too had feared the worst.

Hearing that he was stuck in a cave with an injured Lan Wangji and a Xuanwu of Slaughter did nothing to dispel the apprehension that had lodged itself into her chest. However he was alive last A-Cheng knew and if it was one thing Wei Wuxian was good at, it was somehow being able

to escape trouble time and time again. Hearing that he killed the turtle with Lan Wangji wasn’t very surprising to her; she would have been more surprised if he had died. She didn’t know how to explain it but somehow she’d never actually expected Wei Wuxian to die.

He seemed like an eternally present chaos gremlin. Whenever she thought about her son’s future, she’d always unconsciously pictured the little troublemaker by his side.

She knew what people thought of her, but she wasn’t a monster.

She’d been relieved that the boy had been found and was well. In fact, she hadn’t come to his room to make a fuss. She’d intended to check in on him, but of course she arrived right at the moment her husband had once again scolded their son for not being Jiang enough

and her rage took over.

Then everything spiraled from there.

But now that the rage had subsided and she’d been left with only shock and confusion, the exhaustion from holding herself together so tightly every minute the boys were gone and from the current emotional turmoil,

hit her all at once.

She felt faint and her knees buckled.

“San-niang!”

“A-Niang!”

A-Cheng quickly came to her side, getting down on the ground next to her and propping her up in his arms before her shocked husband could even offer her help.

The worry on her son’s face caused a twinge of pain in her heart.

“Niang,” he repeated anxiously.

She managed a weak smile and raised a hand to cup his face.

“My baby,” she stroked his cheek.

He flushed bright red. He wanted to protest that he wasn’t a baby (it was Xianxian who liked to play at being 3) but his mother’s unusual behaviour stopped his voice.

She looked up at him tenderly. And it really struck her then that he’d grown so much.

She would have had to even if she wasn’t currently situated on the floor. He was taller than her and she often had to look up at him when she spoke, though she hadn’t stopped to think about it until now.

But regardless, he’d always be her little boy.

“Mother has been too hard on you,” she stated.

“No I-- I know it was for my own benefit,” he protested quickly, feeling slightly uncomfortable. “You.. you just wanted me to be the best,” he continued in a small voice.

“Silly child,” she said, fond but sad, “I wanted you to get your father’s attention. I wanted to have him acknowledge you and your efforts. I thought if only you could surpass the one in his eyes, maybe for once he’d look at you and see you.”

She could never surpass the one in his heart. He’d never hold her in it (she tried not to think about what he’d said to her earlier because hope was a dangerous thing). But she’d wanted her son to have his rightful place in his father’s eyes.

He’d always been the apple of hers.

But it seemed as if he truly didn’t know it. And it was her fault. Even though he knew she cared about him more than his father did, he thought she also saw him as inferior to Wei Ying.

He might not have been a genius like his shixiong, but he was hers and he’d always been perfect in her eyes. How had she let things come to this? When had she started doing the same thing his father did?

Comparing the two didn’t make him surpass Wei Ying in any way, all it did was hurt him… made him think that now both his parents didn’t think he was good enough.

She had a lot to make up for.

She rubbed her nose against his tenderly and pressed their foreheads together for a moment. He froze in shock, not reacting at all, and she moved to place a kiss on his forehead instead and drew back to look at him.

(When he was a baby, he’d had a chubby, grumpy little face that she’d coo over when she was alone. And when she’d give in to the temptation to plant kisses all over his cute face he’d break out into giggles and his smile was well worth the moment of indignity had anyone seen her.

When was the last time that he’d truly smiled at her?)

“A-Cheng, Niang was wrong.”

His jaw dropped slightly in disbelief. She ignored his open surprise and thumbed his now lean cheek, the baby fat having mostly melted away, leaving him with sharp cheekbones like her own.

“You are /my/ son, there’s no need for you to worry about anybody else. You don’t have to try to be like Wei Ying or Lan Wangji or anyone else. I don’t want you to be like them anyway. It was always because of your father that I tried to make you be like other people’s children.

No more. My son will only be himself now. Niang is sorry. Niang was wrong to make you think you had to be better than them. You’re already better than them,” she said. And giving in to the rare surge of pure emotion (pride and regret and guilt and sadness and love… so much love)

that coursed through her on looking at her son, who had grown up before she could even realise that she’d lost that sweet baby smile, replaced by a scowling countenance imitating hers and trying to live up to the expectations placed by both his parents instead of learning to grow

into himself, she hugged him tightly, pressing kisses to his face and his head like she had when he was a baby, much to everyone’s surprise and his mortification.

(He’d always had her thin face too.)

Jiang Cheng was surprised but pleased… but also terribly embarrassed. His mother had never behaved that way towards him… or anyone really.

He’d had more genuine affection from his parents in the past few hours than he’d recalled in his entire life and he didn’t know how to deal with it. His face had gone hot and his expression couldn’t settle.

Figuring she’d embarrassed him enough (and having reached the limit herself) she stroked his hair lightly and placed one more kiss on his heated cheek. “Since other people think you’re too much like me and not like a Jiang, well your mother is a Yu, I’ll change your training

regimen. I was wrong all these years to try and fit you into other people’s moulds. Since you are like me anyway we’ll work with that. I’ll add Zidian to your training from now on and you’ll learn how to handle a whip.

If you can’t beat their favourites at things they are good at then you’ll just have to become good at something they can’t do.”
It would be good for him to know how to use a whip anyway. The Wens still had their swords.

Wei Wuxian was recovering and couldn’t do anything strenuous anyway but he’d always had a knack for talismans. While A-Cheng trained with her she’d let Wei Ying be instructed more about talismans.

Sure they could train with practice swords, but fighting with a practice sword was drastically different to a spiritual weapon. It wouldn’t help them much and they both didn’t have much more to learn in the way of sword training anyway.

“But…” he protested.

“What is it? Wouldn’t you like to learn to wield Zidian?”

He coloured slightly and ducked his head; he would love to use Zidian. His mother’s weapon was on another level. But…

“What if I’m no good at it,” he whispered.

He didn’t want to disappoint his mother the way he had already disappointed his father.
This was her doing. His father’s doing too. This doubt in himself. This fear of being disappointing. Her son wasn’t a prodigy but he was skilled and he was a hard worker.

She had no doubt that he’d at least pick up the skill even if he never became an expert (she thought he could be but she’d learned better than to say it and put undue pressure on him. It wasn’t her intention.)

“You don’t need to be good at it, you just need to know how to do it.” There. Maybe now he’d go into it with a light heart and could master it without setting himself back by overthinking and second-guessing his every move.

“When you get your sword back you won’t need it. But if you like it, we’ll get you a whip of your own and if you don’t then you’ll at least know how to use Zidian when the time comes. You don’t worry about anything, Niang will take care of it.”

She tapped his nose lightly and continued,“And anyone who doesn’t like it can choke on a tanghulu stick.”

TBC

A/N: And yes, I did make Yu Ziyuan do the frail Victorian woman faint

But I do have a justification in this verse for it.
I don’t think it’s too out of character in the sense that stress can adversely affect your body and adrenaline keeps you going until it stops and then you crash. And she had been through a lot of worry then this whole situation

that was emotionally draining happened and her body just faltered for a moment. As harsh a woman as she might be, nobody can convince me that she wasn’t extremely worried about her son the entire time he was in the Wens’ clutches.

And I do believe that she was even worried about Wei Ying because she had no reason to be in his room but she had gone there.

JFM was surprised to see her there and had asked her in canon ‘My Lady what are you doing here?’. I don’t think she’s callous enough to go to his room

while he was recovering to harass him, she wanted to see how he was doing even if she wouldn’t have been warm and fuzzy about it, but she just happened to arrive in the worst moment to overhear JFM scolding JC for not understanding their motto

aka not being Jiang enough...which of course we all know she would not let slide. So yelling happened anyway.