Thread by @CJaneKendrick

Last Sunday I had a discussion with a male editor about the use of word “accomplishment” in an interview about a successful woman in her field. The article read that the subject had called, “being a wife and a mother to two young daughters her greatest accomplishment and joy.”

I argued if it wasn’t in quotes, the interviewer could have used a better word than “accomplished” in the article, as they are actual biological and social occurrences, not accomplishments.

This language meant a lot to me when I was trying to conceive for five years. When framed as though pregnancy was something to accomplish it made me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough—even though it was biologically out of my hands.

Same with having been married and divorced. Did I accomplish the marriage that I later left? Or did that void that accomplishment? And what are we really accomplishing in marriage? Almost 20 years into my 2nd marriage nothing ever feels so final as to say “GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!”

Editor argued that it seemed odd anyone would be upset by that word, and it was ultimately the subject’s choice. (To his credit he listened to me explain why I had a problem with the word being used in this context.)

The next day the #RoeVWade leak appeared in our timelines.

As I watched patriarchal, anti-choice women celebrate this possible win in the court, it further illustrated why using the word “accomplishments” with parenting is so problematic.

In churches where women are taught from birth their only goal in life is to be a wife and a mother it robs them of the choice to decide in a safe, affirming space what they want for themselves. It can be scary for women in these communities to even think about anything else.

It scares them to think other women might reject the only true valuable “accomplishments” available to them. Abortion is an affront to their value in their communities. If fetus’ can be aborted it devalues their primary contributions to the world. It’s painful.

I remember clearly feeling this way when I was Mormon, believing it was my only value as I struggled to get pregnant.
Plus, I was so eager to be free of this burden of not being able to conceive, I became quite anxious about there not being enough babies to adopt.

In ways that resemble Handmaid’s Tale, patriarchal women like me needed other women to have unwanted babies to give up so I could have them.

Achieving or “accomplishing” motherhood was singular in my community to the point it blinded me to my own humanity and the humanity of all women. And it was taught to me from the moment I was born. As an infant I was blessed by my father to someday become a mother in Zion.

This practice continues today in the church, and stretches into youth and young adult practices. It’s preached and solidified in temples. Mothers taking their daughters to be taught explicitly that they belong to a god who has rights over their value and choice is celebrated.

When they are married in the temple, young women are asked to give themselves up & commanded to populate the earth. Those women who do not “accomplish” these things will answer to god. In that respect, I worried my inability to conceive and follow this commandment was bc of sin.

It took us five years to get pregnant. And we still don’t know why. There have been some wacky ideas considered, but I know for certain it was a biological event that I mostly could not control. Residual feelings from that episode in my life planted seeds of discontent.

By the time I had my third child—second daughter—I was pretty done with Mormonism. It took me several years after that to actually leave. The fear was so incredibly strong.

I’ve listened to many podcasts this week on how we arrived here and what to do now. Not one of the lawyers, journalists or advocates interviewed once talked about how we REALLY got here. It’s patriarchy.
It’s the women who uphold it.

It’s the word “accomplishment.”