Thread by @huber57

@bariweiss thank you for a wonderful #Honestly episode on #parenting. It really got me thinking about my last 18yrs and what advice I would give to future parents like you! (congrats, btw). Here are 10 things I would say: 🧵

@bariweiss 1) Parenting is a team sport. You and your spouse/co-parent have to be on the same page. There is strength in being a unified front.

@bariweiss But, while it "takes a village", *you* are the parents. Not a judgey neighbor, your father(-in-law) or a "helpful" passerby. *You* make the decisions that are best for your child.

@bariweiss Be steadfast and safeguard this duty. You might bruise the feelings of other adults you love dearly, but it will save you pain in the long run.

@bariweiss 2) You are gonna have to turn the car around (at least once). When you set expectations for behavior (and the associated consequences) you have to enforce them.

@bariweiss Don't say you will do things you won't deliver on. So, when you are on your way to get ice cream and the kids are acting up in the back seat, let them know that if it continues…

@bariweiss we won't be getting ice cream. And when it does, turn the car around and go back home.

@bariweiss 3) Remember you still have a spouse (who needs love and attention).

@bariweiss 4) Give yourself grace. No one has this figured out. Good news is that you have 1000s of years of evolutionary biology baked into your cake and you'll know what 'right feels like'.

@bariweiss You are gonna yell. You'll feel like a failure sometimes. Regardless, you are entitled to your emotions. Granting yourself permission to be learning on the job is very powerful.

@bariweiss 5) The greatest gift you can give your child is self-esteem and self-confidence. I don't have an easy answer for how to do this. Teach them autonomy, self-reliance and self-worth.

@bariweiss That comes from things like trying new activities, having a job, playing team sports and many other ways. Choose the vehicles that are right for your child.

@bariweiss And never, ever insult or humiliate your child. Never say anything *about* our child you would not say *to* them. You'll be surprised what they hear.

@bariweiss 6) Focus on their education. If you know the name of the U.S. Educ. Sec. but not the name of your kid's kindergarten teacher, you are probably focusing on the wrong thing.

@bariweiss Read to your children. Lock arms with their teacher. Let them know you have their back. They know what is up. They have taught hundreds (sometimes thousands) of children.

@bariweiss Believe it or not, your 8-year-old's accounting of his interaction with the teacher might not be 100% accurate.

@bariweiss 7) Love them unconditionally. They will have faults (many of them you will recognize very clearly as you will have seen them in the mirror).

@bariweiss They will make choices you don't agree with. Love them. Hug them. *Tell* them you love them.

@bariweiss 8) Raise them to be a good citizen. Teach them to help others. To be compassionate. To want to leave something better than they found it. Model the behavior you want to see.

@bariweiss 9) Your child *must* know they can come to your for help. One technique I heard of was giving them a physical note for future use that says something like:

@bariweiss "You told me to bring this to you when I need help. You might be upset with what I am going to tell you but I really need help and not anger at this moment."

@bariweiss This is a 'permission slip' for your child to bring you anything. Don't react in a way that makes them never want to do it again.

@bariweiss 10) Watching your child succeed is the reward for parenting. That manifests itself differently for each child. It could be a 2-year-old stacking blocks.

@bariweiss Or your child trying and learning a new sport. It could be overcoming a learning disability or graduating high school. When it happens, it is the best feeling in the world.

@bariweiss Enjoy those moments. Let them wash over you. Cry unabashedly with joy. It is the highest of highs. /End