Thread by @danielmkim

🧵I can't fucking sleep tonight. Kept thinking about one of my last calls as an EMT after reading about cops not willingly putting themselves in harm's way. August 2001. I pulled my bus up just outside the PD cordon at the site of a DV call. 1/

Lots of nervous Barney Fife types with their hands on their pistols, taking cover behind their cars, filling the radio with useless traffic. Fire dispatch briefed me enroute. Normally, no biggie, treat the DV victim(s) & transport. 2/

This MFer was a 10-43: barricaded, probably armed, with hostages. I introduced myself to the on-scene commander, who looked the part: lean, muscular, confident voice & demeanor, lots of service hash marks on his sleeve. 3/

I say looked the part, because he sure as shit didn't act that way as the night went on. You see, even with 5 or 6 cops with him, not to mention probable cause to enter the domicile, he wouldn't. He wanted to wait for the county to send ESU, but those heavily armed meatheads 4/

would need an hour or more to spin up. Meanwhile, we waited & sweated. No negotiator, no ESU door kickers, couldn't even get a helo to spotlight the house. I asked SGT M why he couldn't move in with the cops he had. His answer blew me away & still makes me angry to this day. 5/

M didn't want to "unnecessarily risk" his officers. I was gobsmacked. Like, MFer, that badge means we all accept that risk. Fuck it, I'll go. M told me to stand down. I told him to go fuck himself. We heard 2 shotgun blasts inside the house. One. Pause. Pause. Two. 6/

I knew what that meant, given the math, but it never registered with M or his officers. I felt sick. I told him he needed to go in now, so I could treat the hostages. He told me to stand down, ESU was on the move. One more shotgun blast. 7/

M's mouth kept opening & closing like a bass you just pulled out of the water. I told him I was going in because the risk was gone. M was right, I wasn't an LEO, I had no business going in, but deep down, I knew my bag wouldn't help any of the 3 people inside. 8/

The fucking door wasn't even locked. And I was right, there was nothing I could do. Wife took a 10-gauge shell to the neck in the bedroom. Bled out through her carotid. 3- or 4-year old child must've been hiding in the bathroom when Dad got to them. 9/

DV perp turned the shotgun on himself, but didn't manage to die right away. It was messy. He sounded like he was choking on his own blood. I wanted that kid to live more than any other patient I had in my time as an EMT. But I also knew that answer was no. 10/

I still see that kid in my dreams, now & again. I see them every time I read about a school massacre. I see the murdered child, whose last thought was probably a fear that no one - let alone a fucking goddamn child - should ever have. 11/

The perp? Fuck him. Let him choke agonizingly on his own blood. Yeah, I disregarded my training, but fuck that guy who just killed his family. M finally entered the house & asked why I wasn't treating the perp. AYFKM?! 12/

Long story short, my report (I thought) was a verbal flamethrower that would tank M's career & any possible future as an LEO. Nothing. Fucking. Happened. Because I was just an EMT, not LE. What could I possibly know? M is now the deputy chief of his department. 13/

I told @drjchernov earlier tonight that some people who can't accept that their badge = risking their own life aren't meant for PD/Fire/EMS. That's the job. I did accept that, but I also realized I had other issues to deal with, unrelated to my EMT days. 14/

There was also a quick side trip to the World Trade Center a month later, & that only confirmed that my decision was/remains the correct one for me at that time. Then I read that LEOs waited for backup in Uvalde while kids died, & this specific call came roaring back. 15/

Fuck, I wouldn't wish that kind of memory on my worst enemy. I saw the child again. Younger than yesterday's victims, but still a child. Then I picked up my kids from school, & kept my utter & abject sense of relief to myself, hidden in anodyne questions about their day. 16/

How fucking dare you? I'll say it again, I don't give one tenth of half a fuck - how dare you, you cowardly pieces of shit who aren't worthy of the badges on your chests? Children died because of your inaction. Children died while you waited for fucking backup. 17/

Children died because you were either unable or unwilling to put your body between the perp & (I can't stress this enough) defenseless fucking children whose only sin yesterday was to go to school wanting to learn & hang out with friends. 18/

Now, typing this, all I can see is that child huddled between the tub & the toilet, hoping his dad wouldn't do the unthinkable. Then seeing the results of what had been unthinkable. We all see the unthinkable on a weekly basis now. At least, news of it. 19/

It's time for that to change. This is macabre, but not new: if the victims' families agree, publish the crime scene photos. Let America see what their passion for unfettered gun ownership hath wrought. Then maybe we'd get common sense gun laws like a background check. 20/

Enough platitudes, I can't swallow another one without wanting to puke. Fuck your thoughts & prayers. Politicians, you have the statutory power to do something about this scourge. Yet. You. Do. Fuck. All. Do it for children who just want to play during recess. 21/

Do it for folks shopping socializing at a supermarket because racist zoning rules made that a gathering place. Do it for congregants at a synagogue, patients at a Planned Parenthood clinic. Do it for Asian salon workers in Atlanta & Dallas. 22/

Do it for your country, as alien as that concept might sound to you. Like @TheOnion says after all such massacres - not mass shootings, these are massacres - "No way to prevent this, says only nation where this regularly happens" 23/