Thread by @fieryfacejames

Scottish monarchs👑, their highest jubilee reached💎and if they were any good (marks out of 10 stones of destiny 🪨). A thread🧵
#ScottishHistory #Jubilee

1.👑Kenneth I, 843-858. Kicks the whole thing off with a respectable 15 years earning him a crystal jubilee🔮. Seems to have done a fair bit of uniting/conquering and was a fan of dressing up as an angel in a costume made of fish scales. 8/10 🪨

2.👑Donald I 858-862. Doesn't live up to his famous fish clad brother with a fairly poor 3 years and 3 months earning a leather jubilee 🐄. Wasn't about long, didn't even die in battle. 2/10🪨

3.👑Constantine I 862-877. At least lasted a bit longer than Donald and gets the same crystal jubilee🔮 his father did. Got pushed around by the vikings, died in a cave in Fife after one such thrashing. 4/10🪨

4.👑Áed 877-878. Being generous and assuming he made the full 365 days to earn a paper jubilee📜. This is bad even in Scottish terms but I doubt I'll end up in a twitter thread 1150 years after I'm dead. 1/10🪨

5.👑Giric 878-889. 11 years gets you a steel jubilee⚔️ I think? Very confusing reign this one, don't know if he was in charge or if it was some lad called Eochaid. Might have enjoyed a fight, seems to have been deposed. On the fence 5/10🪨

6.👑Donald II 889-900. Another possible steel jubilee⚔️. Nicknamed "The Madman" which definitely gets him points, however his continual fighting with the vikings led to his premature demise. Not mad enough. 4/10🪨

7.👑Constantine II 900-943. First Scot to get a notable jubilee with an impressive ruby🔴. Could've made it to gold but couldn't be bothered and abdicated. Impressive gent though. First documented instance of glorious failure at the Battle of Brunanburh in 937. 7/10🪨

8.👑Malcolm I 943-954. Steel jubilee's pull away from the pack with 3 so far⚔️. Did ok, managed to plunder a bit in northern England. Probably didn't do great against the vikings. Killed by folk near Stonehaven for some reason. 5/10🪨

9.👑Indulf 954-962. Salt jubilee🧂 might not sound appealing but I bet it was handy in the 10th century. Looks like he took Edinburgh from the Northumbrians and we've still got it. No comment on if that's a good or bad thing. Didn't do much else. 3/10🪨

10.👑Dub 962-967. Our first wood jubilee🪵 which seems appropriate as this guy was about that interesting. Was buried under a bridge in Kinloss and there might have been an eclipse at the same time. Riveting. 1/10🪨

11.👑Cuilén 967-971. Back to a linen jubilee👘. Pretty much all we know about this guy is that he definitely died. Quite a lot of detail about him being killed by the Britons and absolutely nothing else. Another belter. 1/10🪨

12.👑Amlaíb 971/6-977. Don't even know if he was king or for how long. Can't in all honesty assign him a jubilee. Shocking effort, definitely brutally murdered. 0/10🪨

13.👑Kenneth II 971-995. Finally a bit of stability with a solid 24 years. Not quite silver but does get a porcelain jubilee🏺. Tried to change the succession laws but ended up being killed in hilarious fashion by a booby trapped statue (definitely happened). 3/10🪨

14.👑Constantine III 995-997. Dismal effort, cotton jubilee👕. Reign just as poor, gets a massive slagging in the chronicles. Killed in battle by other Scots which seems about right. 1/10🪨

15.👑Kenneth III 997-1005. Probably not quite 8 years so that means a wool jubilee🐑. Another one who's most interesting contribution to history was dying. So boring that the annals just forgot he was there. 1/10🪨

16.👑Malcolm II 1005-1034. 2nd longest reign so far and a very respectable silver jubilee🥈. "The Destroyer" spent a lot of time slaughtering his relatives to secure his dynasty. Won the Battle of Carham and helped define Scotland's borders. Killed in battle. 6.5/10🪨

17.👑Duncan I 1034-1040. Despite getting a sugar jubilee🍬 Duncan's reign was anything but sweet. Not even as good as Shakespeare made out. Disastrous attempt to seize Durham, tried to take Moray off MacBeth and got stabbed for the trouble. 2/10🪨

18.👑MacBeth 1040-1057. Probably lasts longer than you thought, the return of the crystal jubilee🔮. Gets a hard time for some reason. Seems to have been quite popular, had a good time until Malcolm and the moving forest showed up. Went on pilgrimage to Rome. 6/10🪨

19.👑Lulach 1057-1058. Doesn't even manage a full 12 months. "The Unfortunate" and "The Foolish". Probably just ran about Scotland until Malcolm found him and finished him off. Not great. 0/10🪨

20.👑Malcolm III 1058-1093. Now we're talking. 35 years and an intriguing coral jubilee 🪸. Just about knocks it out the park with a big hand from his wife Margaret. Didn't get conquered by the Normans. Silly death invading England. 8.5/10🪨

21.👑Donald III 1093-1094 and 1094-1097. Reigned twice so something between leather🐄 and linen👘. Not the kind of guy you'd want to go for a drink with. Quite keen on idea of butchering nephews. 2/10🪨

22.👑Duncan II 1094. King for 5 minutes. Butchered by uncle. 0/10🪨

23.👑Edgar 1097-1107. Will give him the benefit of the doubt and give him 10 years and a tin jubilee🥫. Didn't have a great time, under pressure from the English crown a lot. Ceded a lot of land claims to Norway. 3/10🪨

24.👑Alexander I 1107-1124. Crystal jubilee🔮 now in the lead. Did alright, first mention of Stirling Castle. Went to war in Wales for the English king. Nice to the clergy but mean to everyone else. 5/10🪨

25.👑David I 1124-1153. Just shy of 30 years so another silver jubilee🥈. Impressive one here. Revolutionised government in Scotland, built lots of abbeys. Lost the Battle of the Standard but didn't really matter in the end. Ruled northern England 9/10🪨

26.👑Malcolm IV 1153-1165. Silk jubilee🧣for Malcolm the Maiden (unfortunate nickname). Tough act to follow but did alright. Defeated Somerled but had northern England taken of him without much fuss. 5/10🪨

27.👑William I 1165-1214. Painfully close to gold but has to make do with a mere sapphire jubilee💠. Spent all his time trying to get northern England back. Captured by the English in comical fashion. Didn't manage his time well. 4/10🪨

28.👑Alexander II 1214-1249. Nice wee pearl jubilee 🦪 for Alex. Enjoyed cutting off appendages and having people torn to bits by horses. Got the southern border sorted. Died on his way to conquer the western isles. 7.5/10🪨

29.👑Alexander III 1249-1286. Outdoes his dad with a coral jubilee🪸. Nice stable reign, a golden age some might say. Got the Western Isles off Norway. All his kids died then he rode his horse off a cliff before he could have any more. 6.5/10🪨

30.👑Margaret 1286-1290. Another linen jubilee👘. First female monarch of Scotland. Never actually set foot on Scottish soil. Died in Norwegian Orkney on the boat over. Unfortunate turn of events. 0/10🪨

31. John 1292-1296. Gets a leather jubilee🐄 which is more than he deserves. Gets the crown after protracted legal case. Couldn't do anything without English permission. Scotland quickly conquered when he finally grew a backbone -10/10🪨

32.👑Robert I 1306-1329. Our most famous king has to settle for a porcelain jubilee🏺. Not a bad effort, took Scotland off the English and his rivals. Won a fair few battles, big one at Bannockburn. Secured Scottish independence. 9.5/10🪨

33.👑David II 1329-1371. Pearl jubilee🦪 for the younger Bruce which is the only way he betters his dad. Couldn't live up to the family name. Shot in the face and captured by the English. Bit of a comedown. 3.5/10🪨

34.👑Robert II 1371-1390. Crystal jubilee🔮 clearly becoming the favoured option of Scottish monarchs. Bit past it by the time he became king. The first Stewart. Sidelined in government by his son. 3/10🪨

35.👑Robert III 1390-1406. Also a crystal jubilee🔮, also a bit past it when he became king, also sidelined in government. Enjoyed watching large groups of clansmen fight to the death. Kicked in the head by a horse and wanted buried in a midden. Buried in Paisley. 1/10 🪨

36.👑James I 1406-1437. Pearl jubilee🦪 also a popular option. Became king in English captivity. Went on brutal rampage against his own family when he got out. Effective to begin with then lost popularity and was murdered in a tennis ball filled sewer by his own subjects. 5/10🪨

37.👑James II 1437-1460. Almost god like king done an injustice with porcelain jubilee🏺. The absolute zenith of kingship. Justly destroyed the uppity Black Douglas family. Cruelly taken from us by a faulty cannon while heroically taking Roxburgh Castle from the English. 10/10🪨

38.👑James III 1460-1488. Gets a very undeserved silver jubilee🥈. Pretty rubbish, just seemed to rub people up the wrong way. In the end folk had enough and he was killed in battle by an army with his son in it. 2/10🪨

39.👑James IV 1488-1513. Just sneaks in for a silver jubilee🥈. Cool guy. Built some nice stuff, including the great hall at Stirling Castle and the biggest warship in the world. Practiced amateur dentistry. Points off for fairly foolish death at Battle of Flodden. 8/10🪨

40.👑James V 1513-1542. 3rd silver jubilee🥈 in a row. 5th James in a row. Built a fancy palace at Stirling Castle. Made a lot of money marrying rich. Fell out with his uncle Henry VIII and died in bed while the country was at war. Owned a lion. 5/10🪨

41.👑Mary I 1542-1567. Just shy of a 4th silver in a row, Mary has to settle for a porcelain jubilee🏺. In France for most of her reign. Back for a few years before being forced to abdicate. Did ok to start with but made some poor decisions. 2 awful husbands didn't help 3.5/10🪨

42.👑James VI 1567-1625. Our final monarch surpasses gold and goes straight to Emerald🟢. Keen on the reformation and all things protestant. Not a fan of witches. Had a lot of boyfriends. Ditched us to live in England and only visited once. 6/10🪨

Hope you enjoyed this thread as much as I did writing it. Certainly more fun than paying attention to the actual jubilee #ScottishHistory