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Jun 5, 2022 23 tweets 4 min read Read on X
The Horny Honey Monster is on the ropes, so I think it's time to take a quick look at the runners and riders poised to take over from Boris Johnson.

It's an inspiring list.

🧵
Liz Truss

The kind of foreign minister you'd expect to find on Gumtree. A LibDem, then a Tory. Opposed Brexit, then wanted it. Said she'd resign over it, then that she'd do anything to deliver it. Eventually decided it was too complicated and hid.

Thatcher from Elizabeth Duke.
Jeremy Hunt

A demonic pixie with persona of a polyester-blazered assistant in a soft-furnishings shop. As health minister he spent his hours auctioning your wellbeing off to – well, I’d like to say the highest bidder, but I doubt he’s competent enough to get a good price.
Penny Mordaunt

A real person, and not a minor Addams Family character. Has all the experience needed to be PM: a former magician’s assistant with a famously lavish swearing vocab, who failed to reach the last 10 a celebrity diving show. Currently 4th favourite. No, really.
Dominic Raab

Thick-necked, box-faced rugby club boor. An Etch-a-Sketch thundercunt who stands in for the PM when Johnson is too pissed or shag-happy to turn up. His career peaked when he – genuinely – managed to resign in protest at his own achievements.
Tom Tugendhat

Voice of the moderate (yet highly-militarised) centre-right. Proved himself squeaky clean when Tories decided to prove they aren't all nepotistic twats by running an independent audit of govt contracts. The contract for the audit went to Tugendhat's cousin. Obvs.
Priti Patel

The larval form of Miss Trunchbull. A trundling horcrux who oscillates between evil smirks and looking like she's about to bite you savagely about the face and neck. Described by MoD officials as "completely potty", so clearly a strong favourite.
Rishi Sunak

Rejected early draft of an Aardman sidekick who is having a go at Chancelloring during his gap year. His primary skillset: avoiding tax, pretending he drives a Kia Rio, applying to be a citizen of another country, and taking his jacket off on Instagram.
Matt Hancock

His career was ended – as so many sadly are – by a combination of love and genocide. Craves a comeback, under the demented assumption voters will be drawn to an inept and toe-curlingly sinister accountant who looks like PeeWee Herman reflected in the back of a spoon
Sajid Javid

A child's drawing of pure evil, superimposed onto a competitively evil gonad. Was *literally* in charge of collateralized debt obligations, the financial tool that caused the 2007 global crash, so clearly the ideal man to solve our massive financial problems.
Jacob Rees-Mogg

Nosferatu attempting to blend in at a bible study group. A physical manifestation of entitlement and stupidity, displayed for lols by bored TV execs, and utterly convinced his accent means it's impossible for him to be wrong. He's wrong. Constitutionally wrong.
Ben Wallace

A novelty pencil-eraser who is is only in the list of possible candidates because there's a war in Ukraine. If he succeeds in ending the war, he vanishes into obscurity again. So we have a defence minister who's career progression depends entirely on him failing.
Nadine Dorries

A beef-witted, one-woman riot of idiocy. Fiercely loyal to Johnson for as long as she remembers, which on a good day can be up to a minute. Seemingly recruited into Tory ranks directly from a fight over the outcome of a meat raffle outside a flat-roofed pub.
Steve Barclay

The nonentity’s nonentity. So devoid of personality that his official portrait is the curtains behind him. His DNA profile reads "404 error". You will have forgotten Steve Barclay exists before you reach the end of this sentence, even if you ARE Steve Barclay.
Michael Gove

Boris Johnson's emotional support turbot. Boss-eyed, conspicuously sniffing minister for partying-down and levelling up, which he's done so well that rich pupils get twice as much from the levelling up fund as poor pupils do. A shite in sheep's clothing.
Mark Francois

Thinks he's rock hard, and is, in the sense that rock hard things are also very, very dense. So thick you could stand a spoon up in him. Quite a short spoon.

Gnome or Mr Nice Guy? Gnome. Definitely gnome.
Steve Baker

Chief architect of global finance at noted success story Lehman Brothers. Has the ever-so-pleased air of a man who desperately wants you to ask if he's solved his Rubik's cube yet. Career highlight: being filmed asking a man to beat him up by the bins. Twice.
Grant Shapps

Dependable Boris loyalist with – don't doubt it – a large backstabbing knife hidden about his person. Has more false identities than Jason Bourne, somebody else who people would travel halfway around the world just to punch.
John Redwood

Ceaselessly muddled, blank-eyed error-magnet. An absolute clattering halfwit with a deranged fish and Brexit obsession, who was once called "the nastiest man in politics" by his own wife.
Nadhim Zahawi

Obscurial crammed in a suit, and forced to work in an office whilst plotting your destruction. This man of the people used tax havens while claiming MP's expenses for the stables at one of his mansions. The other 3 horsemen of the apocalypse think he's a bellend.
Thérèse Coffey

Cigar-chomping Uncle Fester impersonator who opposes gay marriage and refused to criticise phone hacking. It won't help her: the elaborate scattering of accents in her name would terrify the editor of the Daily Mail, so rule her out as a serious candidate.
These are the major competitors to be next Tory PM.

And because we're a modern, functional democracy, the winner will be chosen by the 1 in 250 voters who have paid money to become members of the Tory party.

The loser, obviously, will be you.
Also, you can pre-order my book if you like this sort of thing. I don't. It's fucking horrible.

unbound.com/books/the-deca…

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More from @RussInCheshire

Nov 2, 2024
I don't believe this for a second, but ...

I heard a theory today that US polls are being artificially skewed on both sides.

GOP pollsters are inflating their numbers to justify Trump's inevitable "stolen election" claims if he loses.

Dems are deflating their numbers to ...
... avoid any complacency among their voters, by making them think it's closer than it actually is.

The "evidence" for this is that the polls are weirdly similar. You'd normally expect at least a few outlying polls showing a clear lead for one side or another. But they're all...
... showing the same results, as close to 49-51 as it's possible to be. And (goes the theory) this is unnatural, and suggests party pollsters are playing with the numbers, while independent pollsters are scared of breaking the pattern.
Read 4 tweets
Oct 28, 2024
Sutton Trust says 43% of journalists in UK news media were privately educated.

We're all talking about VAT on private education because too many people determining our news agenda have a skewed view of privilege.

This doesn't affect 93% of us. Talk about OUR schools.🧵
70% of schools in England have less funding in real terms than in 2010.

Talk about that.

Subjects have been cut, support staff are being let go, and school facilities are crumbling.

Talk about that.
94% of state school teachers are paying for school essentials like books and stationery out of their own wages.

Talk about that.

28% of state school teachers buy food for pupils who can't afford to eat

Talk about that.
Read 9 tweets
Sep 17, 2024
It is reported that before 7 Oct 2023, 85% of Hamas fighters were orphans whose parents had been killed by the IDF.

Israel has since created over 17,000 new orphans.

No matter what your opinion on Gaza, no matter what "side" you take, Israeli actions will never bring peace.
🧵
All wars end with talking, or with surrender. There's no third option.

Most end with negotiation. The Nazis and Japan surrendered, but only due to overwhelming global opposition and [the threat of] total military defeat.

That doesn't apply to Gaza or Israel, and never will.
Israel might have the military power to utterly destroy Gaza. But Israel is almost surrounded by largely Muslim nations, and there's no hope of them achieving a military victory as absolute as the one the world imposed on Nazi Germany. They'd still end up surrounded.
Read 10 tweets
Aug 5, 2024
#TheWeekInFarRight

FAR RIGHT: The Southport attack was definitely done by Ali al Shakati

NORMALS: Ali al Shakati means "I have to go to my apartment"

FR: OK, maybe he wasn't called that, but he definitely arrived on a boat last year

N. Nope, he was born in Cardiff
FR: But he's definitely a Muslim!

N: Nope, he is literally a choirboy in his local Christian Church

FR: Mainstream media is trying to make us sympathise with him by only showing photos of him as a child

N: Maybe that's because he IS a child.
FR: Ah, but the justice system isn't telling us the whole truth

N: The justice system doesn't make everything public, because that makes it impossible to deliver a fair trail, and if you want justice to be done you'd let justice happen
Read 16 tweets
Jul 19, 2024
Starmer reversing Brexit? Really?

🧵

This is the referendum question, the only thing there was a mandate for.

Anything else you THINK you voted for is only in your imagination.

Starmer is not rejoining. That's just a fact. So no, he's not reversing Brexit. Image
"Ah but EEA or Norway is a betrayal".

Here's Nigel Farage proposing EEA or Norway as a solution.

"17 million voted for Brexit, Starmer got fewer votes"

The UK electorate is 41 million. 17 million isn't a "majority", just the biggest group of people who voted.

Starmer also got the biggest group of people who voted. Those 17 million could have stopped him. They didn't.
Read 8 tweets
Jul 5, 2024
My favourite Tory defeats so far:

Michael Fabricant, the larval form of David Dickinson

Jacob Rees-Mogg, a haunted dildo with the moral depth of a graphene scorpion

Penny Mordaunt off Battlestar Galactica, who now has to return to her day job of Not Being In The Royal Navy
Simon Clarke, a mouse fart made flesh

Therese Coffey, a repellent, yellow-fingered Uncle Fester impersonator

Johnny Mercer, oozing the confidence of a man who hasn't yet realised nobody likes things that ooze
Gillian Keegan, seamlessly switching from doing a fucking good job, to doing good job of fucking off

Brendan Clarke-Smith, with the resting expression of a man struggling to divide 197 by 37, when in fact he was struggling to divide 2 by 2
Read 8 tweets

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