Thread by @thisisfoster

1/ This is going to be one those threads.

I saw this chart a while back and scratched out some rough thoughts...

Around ’10 or ’11, I noticed a significant shift in “the relationship marketplace.” I can sum up this shift with two trends I saw in my church circles...

2/ First, I noticed that many (not all) average to above average Christian men in overall quality (e.g. health, looks, ambition, etc) were struggling to get a girlfriend.

At first, I thought these guys were just being too picky or had some other major deficiency.

After all...

3/ ...there are a lot of lazy foolish men out there. This wasn’t the case with these men.

They weren’t the top 1%. But they were quality and had very reasonable (perhaps too low) standards for a girlfriend.

4/ Second, I noticed that many (not all) average to below average Christian women (I know me suggesting that such a thing exists is upsets a lot you) in overall quality (e.g. beauty, personality, temperament, etc) had a fear of a committed relationship & were extremely picky...

5/ ...They would often complain that there weren’t any good men. But there were good men. They just thought those men were below them. They weren’t. The arrogance and pride of these women was shocking to me at the time. Not anymore.

6/ I ran my concerns past a boomer pastor. He dismissed it. He thought all the women were just great & men needed to step up to win them. Man up & all that. That really was the moment I realized that there was some form of generational blindness related to what is happening...

7/ And that’s why I started tracking trends in sexuality not just generally but specifically as they related to dating (aka the relationship marketplace).

Now let me point out 2 particularly concerning trends that overturn older assumptions about the relationship marketplace...

8/ 1st More & more women today are delaying marriage into their 30s. They, however, aren't delaying sex. Very few of these unmarried women are virgins when they turn 30. Stats vary but it's below 10% and perhaps closer to 5%. Moreover, these women have multiple sexual partners...

9/ It's difficult to calculate the number but a survey of the material points toward between 7-14 sexual partners prior to getting married right around 30. Others say that is a low number. Regardless, the consequences of this are hard to overstate. This sort sexual promiscuity...

10/ ...has intense negative emotional, spiritual, and even physical consequences in the lives of these women.

Also, it means that a large number of these women are using hormonal birth control and having abortions.

Why are women doing this? I think it is...

11/ ...tied directly to social media which normalizes deviant behavior & promotes vanity in women. I'm speaking in generalities. But I think this is what is basically going on.

This is deeper into the church than most realize...even reformed home-school sort of churches.

12/ Whenever I point out the disturbing trend of widespread female promiscuity, someone chimes in "Well, sex takes two."

True but that doesn't mean what you think it means…

13/ 2nd As you see in the chart above, male virginity between ages 18-30 has increased 20% since '89. That's good, right? No. It's doubtful that this increase in virginity is directly connected to an increase in morality among men.

I think that there are a few things driving it.

14/ First, I think a lot of guys have "failed to launch" due to absent fathers and digital substitutes of the objects of male desire (e.g. video games instead of vocation, porn instead of actual sex, etc). The are low ambition and therefore seen as a "low" value option.

15/ Second, I think many men don't live up to the ridiculous standards of younger modern women.

They enter the relationship marketplace, buy a bunch of girls a bunch of meals, get nowhere, lose heart, give up, & go back to porn & games.

So who are these women having sex with?

16/ There appears to be men who are consider "top tier guys" by women who are having a lot casual sex with a lot of women. Supposedly, 20% of the men are having 80% of the sex.

Messed up, I know. Again, I'm speaking in generalities but I think this is what is basically going on.

17/ This is terrible for society. The key driver to building and protecting a free society is having a familial stake in it.

Let me be clear, I'm not saying that these trends are equally present in Christian circles but they are bleeding over at a disturbing rate.

18/ What is a Christian parent to do?

Here are a few things to consider...

- Keep your children off social media as long as possible, especially your daughters.

- Delay getting your children cell phones as long as possible. We use Gabb Wireless' app-less smartphone. Google it.

19/ - Get your children involved in real world skill building activities (e.g. sports, 4H, job) as soon as possible. This goes double for your sons. Keep them busy & it'll naturally decrease the time available & desire for gaming. Video games in moderation are fine.

20/ - Network with other solid Christian families & communities. 58% of people meet their spouse through the network of friends. I don’t think this means formalized family camps, etc. I think more of informal casual “networks.” Normal, natural, organic are good descriptors here.

21/ - Build a love for family and legacy in your kids through words and action. Give them an example and model to aspire towards.

I don't have a silver bullet for every situation. These are merely steps and suggestions. It's a bumpy road we're driving down.