Thread by @sciencewithtyus

Asexuality in an allosexual world: A Thread 🧵

It's #PrideMonth and many people are rejoicing in their multifaceted queer identities and celebrating historical figures who have paved the way for unrestrained self-expression. There have been many discussions over Twitter from 1/

topics relating to Bisexual erasure during Pride month, racial discrimination which still continues, and the extreme violence Trans individuals experience on a daily basis despite being the keystone for the movements and platforms that many people benefit from right now. 2/

I say all of this because while these topics are undeniably critical for the progression of Pride and advancing intersectional dialogue, something I don't see a lot of is the invisibility of the Ace/Aro experience in a world where sexualization is normalized and encouraged. 3/

So, please join me in this thread as I break down some of my thoughts and experience of being Asexual and navigating a reality where being Ace and the complexity of having such an identity is often misunderstood and sometimes invisible to others who fail to recognize it. 4/

For anyone that might be wondering I'm Ace, specifically, Gray-Ace/demisexual which means it's incredibly rare and hard for me to find sexual interest in another person. I've never dated anyone throughout my adult life and going on dates is practically unheard of for me. 5/

I came out to my mom during the summer of 2019 as Ace and I still to this day remember how nervous I was because I always knew I was different aside from already being neurodivergent but also within my intimate life as well. I was also nervous because I was afraid she 6/

wouldn't entirely understand the depth of what it means to be Ace in a world where a sexually active lifestyle is assumed to be the default. Why did I feel this way though? Well first, asexuality is an emerging identity being reported more in youth through new research. 7/

Asexuality is fairly uncommon when you consider the social paradigm of relationships the world functions under especially in the US. A paper by Rothblum et al. 2020 at UCLA found that 1.7% of sexual minority adults identify as asexual! Furthermore, many of the people 8/

who identify as asexual were women (27%) and genderqueer/non-binary (76%) individuals which is fascinating because it shows that asexuality can be another layer to someone's queer identity and the journey they navigate through. However, what truly caught my attention was 9/

an overwhelming majority of participants who identified as asexual were assigned female at birth (86%) while males (14%) were rather seldom in the shared identity which brings me to an important juncture of this thread, asexuality, and masculinity under social constructs. 10/

This is integral to bring up because the patriarchal system in which all men are influenced encourages hypersexuality, promiscuity, and the sexual conquest of women as a form of social capital/status through a heteronormative lens. Any man who differs from this "path" is 11/

negatively accused as gay, socially atypical, or as some say a "beta male" which can have some damaging implications for the mental health and self-esteem of young men who think they have to prove their merit as a man by expanding their catalog of sexual records. 12/

I elaborate on this because I was ridiculed and bullied for being "socially atypical". To resist the unwritten pact of sexual frivolity between men or other allosexual people generates a lot of aggravation and contempt pushing Ace people to retreat inward. 13/

This brings me to my second point in this thread, the Ace vs Allo binary issue. One of the areas where Allo people differ from Ace people is not only the social perception of sexuality itself but the way these two groups are categorized and described based on their actions. 14/

Understanding asexuality requires one to question and speculate on the dynamics of a sexualized reality we already live in, one that is accepted as the default and normalized because in many cases it's what we already observe every day in human society. Sex is everywhere! 15/

Where allosexual (hetero or queer) people can be described and distinguished through observable actions of intimacy and romance, things can get tricky for Ace people despite the many layers to our identity. How do you know if someone is Ace? Especially when relationships 16/

are mainly contextualized through a sexual lens. Now that's not to say Ace people can't be sexual because similar to Queer people we also hold many layers to our identities and we also navigate a sexualized world in similar ways which come with some expected difficulties. 17/

Some Ace people are sexual, some aren't, some are sex-repulsed but romantic, and some are Asexual and Aromantic wanting nothing to do with dating and intimacy altogether, and that's OKAY! However, this comes with challenges as people get older which brings up my third point. 18/

Asexual dismissal, like some boys growing up I had my crushes here and there but I noticed as I got older that what separated me from my friends is I never had a general interest to pursue people. I first learned about asexuality and demisexuality when I was in high school 19/

and the first thing I remember thinking was "wow, I resonate with this a lot!", which followed with immediate doubt because I knew nobody would take such an identity seriously, especially as a man. The few times where I have told someone is usually met with responses such as 20/

"that's not a real thing dude", "it's just a phase everyone goes through it", "you just haven't met the right person yet", or my personal favorite "oh, do you mean you're gay?" which says a lot about people's deductive reasoning honestly and this highlights the main point I'm 21/

driving home and it's the assumption that people are inherently sexual beings who all take some general interest in sex and that requires us to look closely at the way society indoctrinates and grooms people to assimilate into a sexualized world with all its expectations. 22/

What would happen if we stopped encouraging young boys to be "players"? What would happen if we removed the social pressure of people feeling the need to have kids? What would happen if we allowed people to be themselves in all the complexity that we see as humans? I wonder.. 23/

Similar to how people navigate through patriarchal systems, heteronormativity, and the colonial attributes of systemic racism, Asexuality is one that constantly endures the presentation of sexual norms being the default and that can create a lot of frustrations for some. 24/

Ace people have a unique experience just like others in the Queer community so it's important for us this Pride to ask ourselves how we create space for all identities which may inadvertently experience erasure because they don't conform to what is assumed to be standard. 25/

Thank you so much for taking the time to read over these thoughts, if you have any questions feel free to ask I'm always happy to discuss my asexual identity as I continue to learn more about it. Happy #PrideMonth to everyone and as always, stay curious! #Asexuality 26/

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