Thread by @punished_cait

the "late-term abortion" rhetoric is and has always been stupid, intentionally misleading bullshit, but especially now for me. i work at a cemetery with a crematory, and we do cremations no charge for anyone cremating a stillbirth, nonviable pregnancy, or medical termination

we do a lot of them because, again, we do them for free, because these people are suffering enough already. and i can tell you, the parents of a baby that they had to terminate at 35 weeks aren't doing it because of laziness or convenience or immorality

sometimes they come in with full names, bc they were wanted and loved and something unimaginably terrible happened instead. sometimes they come in with just the first name of "Baby" or "Infant", bc their parents thought they would have plenty of time for that. and didn't.

i'm sorry if this thread is upsetting to anyone. but it's the reality, and it's my reality. when you lose an unborn child or have to terminate a pregnancy, i'm one of the people that gets the paperwork, the letters of notification from the hospital, the authorizations and permits

they list the age of gestation, the weight and size and the dates of the most horrible thing that has ever happened to the woman whose signature is at the bottom of the page. and every time I do this, I soak up a little bit of grief for them, and every few weeks I go home and cry

i also see the historical sections of our cemetery, and the family plots from the 1850s with 20 burials of which 15 died under the age of 4. in our mapping system and the old lot cards, you can find the children and infants diligently drawn into much smaller graves.

you can also find the women who died in childbirth and their babies who were buried with them, because they are drawn in as a full-size casket with a horribly, tragically small additional grave on top.

the idea that abortions are due to laziness or cruelty or convenience is shattered every single day for me when our crematory operator brings us the tiniest, most heart-wrenching container you can imagine, carrying the ashes of the baby a woman would have died for and almost did.

there's no HIPPA for cemeteries or crematories, but I try to preserve the privacy of the people we serve as much as possible because it feels like the right thing to do. but I can tell you about the most recent "late-term abortion" we received.

she had a full name, and two parents who were married, and while generally just one parent signs as the legal custodian they both insisted on signing for her. she was 35 weeks, and we received an extensive form from her mother's obstetrician.

her mother did everything right. prenatal care the entire pregnancy, no smoking, no drinking, healthy as could be.

the reason for death was "no reason." she did nothing wrong. there was no trauma, no failure on her part, her baby was very much wanted and already loved.

i believe they stated "possible cord incident?" either way, the baby was dying, and the mother was dying, and there was nothing anyone, not God, not medicine, could have done for them. the paperwork said she elected for termination. to me, it didn't feel like she "elected" at all

I, and she, am lucky enough to live in a state where abortion is still legal and protected. she is alive because of that. when the baby's ashes were brought down from the crematory to be held at the office until they were picked up, I hugged the tiny container to my chest

I know I'm preaching to the choir here. I know I'm not going to change anyone's mind. but this is the reality: if you support banning abortion, what you're really saying is that you think this woman who already lost everything should have also died that day.

people will say "that's not true, there are exceptions for when they are necessary to save the mother's life" but those are barely exceptions at all, just language to enable people to lie to themselves and assuage their guilt

in reality, those "exceptions" are rare and hard won. they are another layer of bureaucracy that means a woman who is losing her child and actively dying has to prove to someone with zero stake in the matter that she is dying enough to deserve to make her own medical decisions.

when your baby starts to die in your womb, they don't make sure to do it during business hours or in an easily definable way for a doctor or judge or hospital administrator to stamp a seal of approval for you to be allowed to be saved. and when things go wrong, they go wrong fast

women don't have hours for their cases to be reviewed and re-reviewed and appealed and decided on. a baby that is dying can quickly turn into a baby that is killing you with it. but the people pushing this legislation don't actually care about that

they consider dying in childbirth to be the utmost sacrifice and the best, most worthwhile thing a woman can do. and I guess the real point of all of this, of everything I've said is that I don't think those people should be the ones making the laws

this took off much faster than I expected which is both heartening and saddening. I'm so sorry for everyone who can personally and painfully relate to my story. I can't imagine your loss and your sacrifice and your grief.

I did want to add a quick note: a lot of people have responded with kindness and concern for me, for which I am very grateful. People ask me sometimes if my job being hard and sad makes me want to quit, and the answer is unequivocally no.

I do see a lot of sadness and grief and tragedy. Some days I come home and my fiancé holds me while I cry and tell him what I saw that day. But I've also worked much worse jobs where I came home crying for much different reasons

If my job means I sometimes cry because I was able to carry a little bit of grief for someone else, I consider that a worthwhile trade-off.

I also get to see love and life and beauty and kindness every single day and that's worth every single moment of sadness. People tell me they could never do my job and I don't know if that's true. But I am very, very glad I get to do it.