Thread by @imanmbadawi

﷽

Getting to know a prospective spouse.

I promised this brother that his #dm is next. I devote a whole section to this in my #UpcomingBook from a fiqhi and social perspective, so I can only give a limited response here. I commend the brother for asking a female scholar….

1 Of the subtitles in the book is “Men need a wali too” Think of the wali as the gatekeeper of your heart, your intellect, your executive functioning. For the mentally healthy, this component discerns benefit and harm. For adherent Muslims, this component thinks in terms of fiqh.

2 Don’t open the gate of your heart to just anyone. A prospect must pass your ‘wali-test’ first. In our times, marriage has become complicated. Additionally, abstinent Muslims have little to no relationship learning, putting them at great disadvantage in evaluating a prospect.

3 The reality is that all human interactions are the product of tarbiya. In a principled approach, we find resonance in shared values, positive character traits, and respectful interaction. The proper process is that the wali-mind inquires and the heart is the feedback receptor.

4 As for emotional maturity, the most accurate way to guage it is in conflict. Believe it or not, you should have micro-conflicts with any serious prospect. Why? Because it’s inevitable anyway. You need to see how they deal with that. That’s why it’s so critical to be yourself.

5 The more mature you are in conflict, the more capacity you’ll have for intimate connection. The clearer you are on what things must stay outside the gate, the better you’ll be at finding someone who deserves to enter. Once the gate opens, I pray it leads you both to Paradise.

And Allah - Most High - knows best.

May Allah’s infinite peace & blessings be upon Rasūlullāh, his pure progeny & folk, along with his gleaming companions, illuminated inheritors and all his loyal followers until the Last Day.

The brother’s feedback. Alhamdulillāh.

May Allah’s infinite peace & blessings be upon Rasūlullāh, his pure progeny & folk, along with his gleaming companions, illuminated inheritors and all his loyal followers until the Last Day.

The wali-test
#UpcomingBook

I define types of relationship indicators.

a. Temporal
b. Permanent
c. External
d. Inherent

These help us make an informed, long-lasting decision and put personal preferences in perspective.

Most people are seeking wrong indicators!