Something I've seen a few times from allistic people & won't ever understand:

Offering to either buy or do a task for someone who never asked for it, and then later getting frustrated that this person either didn't refute your help, or feeling "obligated" to continue.

It seems like this happens when there's a difference in status and the higher-up person is helping the lower person.

And it seems like the lower person is ungrateful if they don't continue to refute their help over and over again.

I've tried many times to reply "oh no, that's okay thank you, I can get it" only to then be outplayed by the NT social skillset. Maybe my tone wasn't "convincing" enough, or maybe as long as you refute it, it's then okay to receive help since you at least said that.

The problem is that over time, if someone continues to offer this, eventually I give up on playing out the social script, and I just let them help me.

This is seen as "bad manners" when in reality I'm just too tired to pretend like me refuting accomplishes anything.

I once had a situation where I think the person was so frustrated by me not indulging this ritual after so many times that I was told rather angrily that I can "get it myself," as if I chose to receive help when me saying "no thank you, that's okay" never did anything.

This also makes me think about disabled people in general (though this wasn't related to disability), and how many abled allistic people feel obligated to "help" even when that "help" may be hurting someone or invading their space.

This also tells me that non-autistic people have a lot to learn from autistic people.

Just because you feel like societally, you are obligated to help, doesn't mean you should help. Assess each situation: Does that person actually want your help? Will you become resentful?

If you're only doing it because you think societal rules tell you so, then step back and think about it.

If you don't want to help, please just don't offer. And if someone says no, realize that and respect their answer. Stop expecting gratefulness for unwanted help.

I'd love to get more #ActuallyAutistic takes on this, if you've experienced this before or not.

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More from @AutSciPerson

Jul 28
When you want to bond with friends, see how other people are joking, and use nearly the exactly same words in a later interaction, and get

"That's just mean." 💀

because apparently autistic tone of voice will never, in a million years, sound like "joking" to allistics.
Think about this for a second: I'm literally not allowed to make jokes in many contexts because people will misinterpret me and assume I'm being *intentionally mean.*

Because it's more likely that I'm being *intentionally mean* than that I'm joking.

Talk about assumptions.
There are so many reasons that autistic people feel like crap when interacting with others all the time, and this is just one of them.

Also fun fact, I'm the only one in my family who can tell when my autistic family member is joking. Almost like we do have a joking tone...
Read 5 tweets
Jul 27
Cis people -

If you assume that misgendering or deadnaming a trans friend/peer/colleague is "not a big deal" and that you really don't need to change your language at all until the trans person continually corrects you or brings it up directly,

Further, if you think that the trans person who directly calls you out after over a month of you deadnaming or misgendering them, is "too aggressive" and should be nicer to you because you didn't think it was bad to do that,

The number of people who have continuously deadnamed or misgendered me who also think they're allies is..

All of Them.

They are not allies. If you don't support and respect the trans people around you,


If you find this message too aggressive, consider why
Read 8 tweets
Jul 26
So here's the thing about focusing on "defining autism" -

The general public does not understand allistic people's subconscious social processing.

Essentially, there's nothing to define autism against, so it simply turned into a list of deficits instead of differences.

Because if you say autistic people are different from allistic people, the next question is "in what way?"

and the short version is that we don't really know because neurotypical people are the default, and the default isn't questioned or analyzed.

If we don't truly understand how allistic subconscious social processing works on a very basic level (facial expressions/tone of voice/prosody/emotion/social intention, etc.)

how are we supposed to understand autistic people who are "different" from that default?

Read 5 tweets
Jul 25
I think non-autistic people don't necessarily realize why I'm *so productive* on certain days -

And the main reason is because I know I'm going to have a day coming up where I'm not going to be able to do anything and I'm trying to prepare myself and my body for that.

I do a lot of really unfun tasks when I have the energy because I know that it's the last thing I'll think to do when I wake up and I'm uncoordinated, out of it, processing a long dream, or have a really bad auditory hangover.

Some days will be the do-all-the-unfun-task days (mailing stuff, chores, calling people) & other days will be

"guess I have to find a somewhat not horrible show to watch 8 hours straight while attempting to get up to get smoothie, water, or mac and cheese every 4 hours"

Read 9 tweets
Jul 25
Doctors seem to despise accessibility items.

Example 1:

Me: "So would X help for support?"
Them: "X would help, but.."
*I wait*
Me: "So X would help and it should be implemented, right?"
Them: "... ... We can do that, yes."

Example 2:

When I had foot surgery literally no one talked about giving me crutches when I was in the hospital. They knew I wouldn't be able to walk or put weight on my foot. They KNEW it.

I would've been stranded in the hospital bed unless I brought my own crutches.
Simple things like "how do I go to the bathroom?" And "how do I get to the wheelchair staff who's just sitting outside my room expecting me to get there on my own?"

I had my own room because I have hyperacusis and auditory sensitivity.

Read 12 tweets
Jul 25
Disabled grad student 101, absolutely everything Imani just said for basically every openly disabled person I knew when I was in grad school:
My relationship to the end of this video is probably slightly different though because what I had to do as a grad student was literally physically hurting me, so I have a very different relationship with the subject that I started on from before I was physically disabled.
When you can't do the thing you planned on doing because you acquired a physical/pain disability and there's literally no possible way the space you're in could become accessible (even if the people around you wanted it to), it's easy to become quite bitter.
Read 6 tweets

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