Thread by @AutSciPerson

Something I've seen a few times from allistic people & won't ever understand:

Offering to either buy or do a task for someone who never asked for it, and then later getting frustrated that this person either didn't refute your help, or feeling "obligated" to continue.

1/8

It seems like this happens when there's a difference in status and the higher-up person is helping the lower person.

And it seems like the lower person is ungrateful if they don't continue to refute their help over and over again.

2/8

I've tried many times to reply "oh no, that's okay thank you, I can get it" only to then be outplayed by the NT social skillset. Maybe my tone wasn't "convincing" enough, or maybe as long as you refute it, it's then okay to receive help since you at least said that.

3/8

The problem is that over time, if someone continues to offer this, eventually I give up on playing out the social script, and I just let them help me.

This is seen as "bad manners" when in reality I'm just too tired to pretend like me refuting accomplishes anything.

4/8

I once had a situation where I think the person was so frustrated by me not indulging this ritual after so many times that I was told rather angrily that I can "get it myself," as if I chose to receive help when me saying "no thank you, that's okay" never did anything.

5/8

This also makes me think about disabled people in general (though this wasn't related to disability), and how many abled allistic people feel obligated to "help" even when that "help" may be hurting someone or invading their space.

6/8

This also tells me that non-autistic people have a lot to learn from autistic people.

Just because you feel like societally, you are obligated to help, doesn't mean you should help. Assess each situation: Does that person actually want your help? Will you become resentful?

7/8

If you're only doing it because you think societal rules tell you so, then step back and think about it.

If you don't want to help, please just don't offer. And if someone says no, realize that and respect their answer. Stop expecting gratefulness for unwanted help.

8/8

I'd love to get more #ActuallyAutistic takes on this, if you've experienced this before or not.