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Aug 12 • 5 tweets • 2 min read
Mar-a-Lago Tour
TOUR GUIDE: On your right is the Trump SCIF, that's where Mr. Trump keeps his most top secret super duper documents. Let me pull one out and show you how secretive they are. Oh look, it's Trump's dear friend Russian Minister Sergey Lavrov. Hi Serge. Back again?
TOUR GUIDE: This padlock, let me get it off the ground, was a gift from one of Trump's favorite kids. You know her as Ivanka! Used to be on her diary when Mr. Trump started dating First Lady Melania. The combo is 0420 which happens to be a celebrity birthday? Y'all know Hitler?
TOUR GUIDE: Trump used to use this room for ketchup storage. Did you know you could fit 8653 bottles of ketchup in here? That translates to about 30 boxes of top secret Nuclear documents. Y'all smell that musky vinegar smell? That's Steve Bannon's cologne. He's a regular in here.
TOUR GUIDE: The reason Mr. Trump likes to store his top secret documents down in here is that most people in Florida don't have basements, so it's the last place the Feds will search. Well, apart from Melania's Wardrobe Shoe Rack. Oh, when we get to the wardrobe no pictures.
TOUR GUIDE: Before we leave the Trump SCIF I just wanted to let you know that replicas of all these documents are available for sale in our gift shop. You can get a bigger discount if you enter the code #StopTheSteal and today is buy one get one free on nuclear related documents!

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More from @jeremynewberger

Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Aug 10
How will Trump do under oath today?

AG: State your name.
TRUMP: Sharona Delacroix Fassbutter the third.
AG: Did the Trump Family commit fraud?
TRUMP: I plead the Two Corinthians.
AG: Did you personally commit fraud?
TRUMP: I plead the Five Below.
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Jul 11
Herschel Walker explaining trickle down economics.

WALKER: We in America got some of the biggest waterfalls in the world. Everybody wants our trickle. Ask around. People go down them in barrels. So when we fill all those good barrels with money, and they come trickling down....
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Jul 9
8 hours of Pat Cipollone Testimony

HOUR 1 Image
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Jun 25
Police departments now gonna need an OB/GYN division?

“I got a fertilized female, age 22, at the CVS on Main and Culver, perp was trying to 86 a blastocyst. Poor little guy. She was holding some levonorgestrel. She seems hormonal. Requesting backup. Over.”

OB/GYNYPD Blue
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“HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU?! AND WHY DID YOU HAVE SO MANY SNACKS IN YOUR DAMN CAR?!!”

“Easy Kowalsky. See ma’am? Want some coffee?”
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Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Mar 6
PUTIN: Why panda bears fly American F-22's over Moscow? Get Xi on phone. This is declaration of war by China!

TRUMP: See? I'm a stable genius.
TRUMP: Next, we paint a giant tunnel entrance on the Russia side of the border with Ukraine so the Russians will think it's a tunnel into Ukraine, and then BAM! Right into the wall. The whole convoy.
TRUMP: Then we get out Marines to make Chinese eyes as they enter Kyiv. Putin won't know who he is fighting. Plus, who doesn't love Chinese eyes. It's like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's. You know we named Tiffany after that movie, cause of the Chinese eyes.
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Mr. Newberger Profile picture
Feb 19
On Fox News Trudeau, mandating vaccines, is a cruel and vicious dictator, while Putin, who is about to invade a neighboring Democracy, is just protecting his country.
And on Fox News Hillary Clinton is an evil conniving spymaster who destroyed damning emails, despite zero evidence, while Trump, who actually tried flushing shredded classified documents down a WH toilet, and stole the rest in boxes to Mar-a-lago, is somehow a living saint.
And on Fox News the January 6th Insurrection was a riot carried out by ANTIFA, BLM, the Deep State FBI, while the people we see breaking into the Capitol, marching in uniforms in columns, and carrying huge Trump flags and racist signs, they are tourists.
Read 5 tweets

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