Thread by @HaikuJonah

Donald Trump: [shoots a guy on Fifth Avenue]

Mark Levin: “It is absolutely legal for a president to shoot a guy, you Commie Scum, during and after his presidency, whenever and wherever he wants, unless the president is a Demoncrat!”

1/🧵

Christina Pushaw: “All Trump did was shoot a guy on Fifth Avenue, but right on cue the liberal news media are losing their minds!”

2/🧵

Kurt Schlichter: “I hope the guy he shot was an FBI agent. Those guys have it coming. Now pass me another taco. I’m a colonel!”

3/🧵

Sean Hannity [texts Liz Harrington]: “tell him he has to stop shooting people!!!”

Sean Hannity [later on TV]: “Why isn’t Hillary Clinton in jail for the murder of Seth Rich?”

4/🧵

Tucker Carlson: “By shooting a random loser on Fifth Avenue, Trump proved he’s every bit as manly as Vladimir Putin.”

5/🧵

Matt Schlapp: “We have invited Trump to shoot a random vendor on stage at CPAC 2023!”

6/🧵

Lauren Boebert: “What kind of gun did he use?”

7/🧵

Matt Gaetz: [checks Tinder] The only people bothered by this are ugly fat lesbians.”

8/🧵

Marjorie Taylor Green: “Everybody who hates Trump for shooting a guy on Fifth Avenue actually really hates you and wants groom your children.”

9/🧵

Sean Davis: “We need to shoot anybody who wants to defund the police in the face with a bazooka. Also, any agency trying to investigate Trump is run by deep-state gestapo who are planting evidence that Trump ‘shot some guy’ and we need to shut them down.”

10\🧵

Molly Hemingway:

11/🧵

Mike Lindell: “THE MACHINES ARE SHOOTING PEOPLE IN 54 COUNTRIES AND ON SEPTEMBER 31 I WILL PROVE IT IN MY NEW PAY PER VIEW WEBINAR”

12/🧵

Dinesh D’Souza: “Here’s a video of a Latino man who is clearly in the country illegally buying $200 worth of MegaMillions tickets, which clearly proves Donald Trump did not shoot anybody and also that the shooting was justified.”

13/🧵

Alex Jones: “FIFTH AVENUE IS FULL OF DEMON LIZARD PEOPLE AND WE SHOULD BLOW EVERY ONE OF THEIR DAMN HEADS OFF AND MOUNT THEM ON PIKES AND YOU WON’T BE MANLY ENOUGH TO DO IT YOURSELF UNLESS YOU BUY MY IVERMECTIN SOVEREIGN SILVER SUPPLEMENTS”

14/🧵

Candace Owens: “Candle wax is delicious!”

15/🧵

Ben Shapiro: “Look, he shouldn’t be shooting people, but it makes the libs cry and that’s what really matters.”

16/🧵

Brit Hume: “I don’t see what the big deal is. If Ted Kennedy can drown a girl with his car, it’s only fair that Trump can shoot a guy.”

17/🧵

[Operational Pause]

[Or maybe The End/🧵]

I could do an entire thread for left-wing media having DEFCON-1 freakouts over pedestrian Trump transgressions, but frankly this is more fun to me.

Charlie Kirk: “Jesus elected Donald Trump to save America by shooting people on Fifth Avenue.”

20/🧵

Sohrab Ahmari: “Bernard of Clairvaux would have shot that mfer without hesitation.”

21/🧵

John Eastman: “The president may shoot whomever he pleases, as long as the vice-president concurs.”

22/🧵

Roger Stone: “Somebody just texted me video of Trump shooting a guy on Fifth Avenue and hottie shots of Alex Jones’s wife and I DON’T KNOW WHICH GET ME HOTTER!”

23/🧵

Seb Gorka: “Why am I not in this thread?!”

24/🧵

Rudy Guliani: “the president who is still the president not the other president but the real president absolutely did not shoot anybody when he shot that guy but actually the shot came from north korea or actually it was hunter biden hey there’s squirrels in my pants”

25/🧵

Julie Kelly: “Did he shoot David French? I really hope he shot David French. I wish he’d shot David French in 2016. And again in 2017. And his wife in 2018. Why won’t David French just move on?”

26/🧵

Thomas Klingenstein: “Shooting guys on Fifth Avenue is not only good, it is the very kind of virtuous masculine virility our Founders knew was essential to kindle the torch of liberty.”

27/🧵

Josh Hawley: “Hell to the yeah!”

28/🧵

I should probably be done.

Unless anybody has any requests.

How in Satan’s farthole did I forget Steve Bannon?

You know what? Just imagine Steve Bannon saying the dumbest thing possible, the most offensive way possible, in German, wearing six shirts and smelling like cabbage.

Tip your waitresses and g’night folks.

Fin/🧵