#askingAutistics how do you handle it when someone tells you explicitly that while they understand autistic masking and that things like tone and facial expressions and even word choice can be challenging, they still feel offense or hurt when exposed to unmasked communication?
I'm looking for practical answers for use in meaningful relationships in life, not pat solutions like "fuck 'em" or "just mask more".
I don't have the spoons to mask enough, but I don't want to cause distress, which is valid on their part if they perceive me as scary.
I don't have the spoons to mask enough, but I don't want to cause distress, which is valid on their part if they perceive me as scary.
Is there a model other than "masking" that applies here? I'm specifically worried about the way someone with e.g. trauma responses to curt tones or ambiguous phrasing can't just tune those signals out. It's a complex problem.
How do you address it?
How do you address it?
I had a moment having a conversation yesterday while distracted and unable to hear my interlocutor clearly. They offered a perspective on a thing that wasn't relevant to the way I was looking at it. I tried to redirect the conversation but what came out was: "Not relevant."
Objectively that's a rude and dismissive way to respond to someone offering you feedback. It wasn't my intention to be so blunt, I simply didn't have the spoons left in my drawer to communicate more clearly in that moment.
So like. That sucks. That person was hurt.
So like. That sucks. That person was hurt.
And like, this is just what happens sometimes. And I apologize, take responsibility, and move on.
But it's a lifetime of apologizing to everyone for things I can't control and on some level that's taking a toll on me.
But it's a lifetime of apologizing to everyone for things I can't control and on some level that's taking a toll on me.
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