A number of my dear friends have been in @The_ACNA for years or decades.
They are devastated. They still love Jesus. They cannot reconcile their love of Jesus with what you are doing to “the least of these.”
They are crying out, and you’ve rebuffed them by scapegoating me.
You can tell yourselves that I am evil, a tool of Satan, out to burn down the Church.
But unless I’m a truly brilliant mastermind who’s single-handedly bewitched all these intelligent, sincere, highly ethical Christian people…
…their devastation is on you.
And I am far more upset on their behalf than I am on my own.
I know I’m just a scapegoat. It hurts, but I can handle it. In part because I have these incredible people around me, Christian people who love the Church but love Jesus and me and their children and each other, more.
They are the examples of Christian love that you *could* be.
You, leaders of @The_ACNA and @ChurchRez, simply further confirm the reasons I am glad I left the Church.
You care well for some while devouring others.
And you have devoured my friends. And their children.
I see their tears. I hear their laments. I watch their hearts break again and again.
They were my Good Samaritans, and I try to be theirs.
And you, the leaders, keep hurrying by, off to church to divvy out your selective love and care.
I do not know if there is a Final Judgment.
But you believe you will stand before God and answer for your actions.
Are you prepared for God to confront you with these stories of my devastated friends?
To ask you if you would have done the same to Jesus as you did to them?
Do you think about what you are doing in the provincial and diocesan halls of power and imagine God saying, “Well done, good and faithful servants, you have preserved the reputation of @The_ACNA at the very low cost of some wounded sheep and that one unruly goat”?
I take these sheep’s wounds very personally, @The_ACNA and @ChurchRez. It kills me that I can only do so much to help them.
And as many as I know, there are many more out there with similar wounds, because you love your institution more than the people it is supposed to serve.
You spread rumors that I seek to destroy @The_ACNA.
Bp. Stewart’s lawyer wrote that I seek this, in a letter to @ArchbishopFoley.
But you’re the ones destroying my friends, and in doing so, the church.
Even if I sought to, I could never accomplish the destruction you have.
I was the original public messenger, and you can shoot the messenger, if you like.
But the message stands. The wounded sheep keep bringing it back to you.
And pointing at me won’t distract them, because they don’t follow me. They follow Jesus.
“How can you compare ACNA leadership to a serial sexual predator?!”
Because it was not the sexual assaults, per se, that nearly destroyed my soul.
It was the pervasive co-optation of my reality.
The theft of my lived experience.
The erasure of my humanity.
These are the parts of the abuse that institutions replicate when they tell survivors that we don’t know what we need, they know better, stay quiet, play nice.
When they say we consented, we’re equal partners with them, they love us and just want what’s best for us.
I still don’t know of a single person Mark had consensual extramarital sex with. Just victims where he had or created a power differential. In my case, by raping me then spinning lies while I was frozen in shock. He used my shock, outsider status, past trauma, etc. to control me.
Mark’s friend and (as Mark portrayed it to me) “accountability partner” Chris also expended massive amounts of time and energy grooming his victims proportionate to his physicalized sexual abuse of them.
The boyfriend who called me frigid and suggested that I owed him sexual favors considering all the nice things he did for me in the day-to-day.
The boyfriend who unilaterally decided to play out his porn fantasies in bed and laughed after doing something humiliating to me.
The close male friends who pressured me for more than friendship, who projected their sexual desire onto me and refused to believe I didn’t reciprocate, until I doubted my own reality and gave in.
The ones who used drugs and alcohol to wear down my resistance.
So glad @condorhanson wrote this piece. I read it and cheered because it echoed so much of how I felt that same day, watching the same kids run around and play.
Those kids are the most compelling possible answer to, why bother doing all this?
It was so good to see the little girl in question having such a great time, days after watching her endure a brutal cross-examination in court while her abuser sat maybe 20 feet away, facing her.
It was good to see her just getting to be a kid instead of having to be a hero.
And I was thinking about the other kids, too, many of whom were there playing together that day because their parents had met and connected with each other due, at the root of it all, to their various experiences with spiritually abusive churches.
And I’m one of the lucky ones. The authorities actually took me seriously. The detectives were sympathetic and kind. The state’s attorney is actually prosecuting. There’s already an open case against Mark, so if there’s a conviction there, the prior will work in my favor.
I believe it will be a year tomorrow that I did my police interview. It took a year to investigate, charge, and arrest him. Another victim, now 12 years old, has waited 2.5 years since her report, and the trial has been delayed with no new date set.
Maybe at the point the modern Church resembles corporate America more than it resembles Jesus, it’s time to scrap the whole institution and start from scratch.
(a 🧵 about my complete exasperation with @The_ACNA, also an update on the @MidwestAnglican investigation)
(It’s taken me this long to put this online because I only have so much energy to deal with @The_ACNA hierarchy anymore. It’s been over a year since I wrote Mark Rivera’s church community telling them what he did to me and asking them please to take care of it. I’m exhausted.)