Childhood trauma is “invisible” but it’s always present in the nervous system.
It’s common for someone to say “I don’t have childhood trauma” but their bodies & behaviors tell a different story (🧵)
Do you wince or feel anxious when someone walks into a room? Do you want to connect with someone but cannot trust that they actually love you? Do you lack communication skills & immediately lash out or shut down?
Do you have beliefs like “I don’t matter” “no one cares what I have to say?” When you’re hurt do you struggle to regulate your emotions or even know what you actually feel?
Have you spent a majority of your adult life people pleasing or achieving to get love, validation, or approval? And now you wonder who you even are or why you feel so empty?
Our body doesn’t forget. Our behaviors reflect our past. The way we view ourselves & the world around us is forever changed when we experience childhood trauma.
Most important to understand is that childhood trauma doesn’t just look like severe abuse, neglect, & assault. Emotional neglect & abuse are so common in our society we just call it “normal.”
We have an entire society of adults living these consequences.
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How to immediately shut down someone who's rude or disrespectful:
When someone's rude to us, we think it's our role to defend ourselves or to make them understand what they've done.
This is over-functioning. It's never our role.
We say things like:
- "I don't appreciate you talking to me that way"
- "Why are you being so rude?"
- "You made me feel like x"
- "That's actually not what I did I did x"
Dating people with narcissistic tendencies is one of the leading cause of almost every health issue we see.
Few people connect health issues to relationships.
But the connection is research based:
At the root of narcissistic behavior, is a complete avoidance of emotional intimacy. This makes them unpredictable and inconsistent with their word. But they are often emotional chameleons, able to give people an illusion of what they want.
Sometimes they're loving and highly affectionate. And other times they're cold, shut down, and sometimes cruel. When meeting someone with narcissistic tendencies, we can feel like we've finally met the perfect person.
Men's nervous systems are more reactive and focused.
Women's nervous systems are more responsive and social.
What this means in relationships:
When stressed or triggered, men's nervous systems are more reactive and focused. To reduce stress, they focus on fixing the issue as quickly as possible.
They also have less emotional engagement.
Women's nervous systems are more physiologically alert under stress. Women seek connection and conversation as a form of emotional attunement.
Venting or gossiping are relief behaviors from sympathetic activation.
People with less friends are usually the most aware.
You are not for everyone, and that's a good thing.
Here's Why:
We're conditioned to believe having a lot of friends means we're worthy. It's become social proof we're a good person. What we don't see is sometimes people with large friend groups don't have the relationships we think they do.
Behind the scenes there can be a lack of authentic connection, and sometimes jealousy or competitiveness.
They decrease violence, addiction, and crime in our culture.
How To Create Emotionally Healthy Men:
Insecurity is the result of a lack of attachment needs being met in childhood. When men don't get their attachment needs met, they struggle with relationships, in careers, and seek to control others due to their lack of security.
If we want emotionally healthy men in our society, we have to start talking about how to raise them. The foundation of confidence is the ability to deal with frustration, to communicate emotions, and to have self discipline.
When someone can't regulate their emotions, you become the problem.
Many adults can't self regulate.
Why This Matters:
Emotional regulation is the ability to feel your feeling, and make a conscious choice on how you react to them. When someone can't emotionally regulate, their emotions make their choices for them. And you become the problem.
Someone who can't emotionally regulate will:
- have intense mood swings (highs and lows quickly)
- engage in things to block feelings (oversharing, drinking, yelling, sexual escape)
- speak in absolutes or extremes
- shut down and avoid all issues