Childhood trauma is “invisible” but it’s always present in the nervous system.
It’s common for someone to say “I don’t have childhood trauma” but their bodies & behaviors tell a different story (🧵)
Do you wince or feel anxious when someone walks into a room? Do you want to connect with someone but cannot trust that they actually love you? Do you lack communication skills & immediately lash out or shut down?
Do you have beliefs like “I don’t matter” “no one cares what I have to say?” When you’re hurt do you struggle to regulate your emotions or even know what you actually feel?
Have you spent a majority of your adult life people pleasing or achieving to get love, validation, or approval? And now you wonder who you even are or why you feel so empty?
Our body doesn’t forget. Our behaviors reflect our past. The way we view ourselves & the world around us is forever changed when we experience childhood trauma.
Most important to understand is that childhood trauma doesn’t just look like severe abuse, neglect, & assault. Emotional neglect & abuse are so common in our society we just call it “normal.”
We have an entire society of adults living these consequences.
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You're not meant to be emotionally regulated all the time.
Being dysregulated can help us.
Here's Why:
Sometimes, your emotions need to be dysregulated. When someone disrespects you, violates a boundary, or when you're heartbroken dysregulation is actually a healthy sign that you're connected to your own emotional experience.
Being regulated doesn't mean that you're always calm.
It means that you can have periods when you're full of rage or sadness. No human being is meant to be calm at all times.
Helicopter parenting creates adults who are easily frustrated and entitled.
Children need to experience loss, rejection, and hurt.
HERE'S WHY:
Many well-meaning parents don't want their children to experience pain. So, they attempt to protect them from their feelings. They see them struggling with something and step in to "fix" it.
This can be through buying them something, giving them a treat, or doing something for them that they could do for themselves. What this teaches a child is: "in times of stress, someone needs to rescue me in order for me to be ok."
As a child I had a nagging sense that someone was going to break in my house in the middle of the night.
Or, that my parents would die.
Here's why we have anxious, crisis thoughts:
As a child, I remember staying up late with a deep fear someone would break in. I didn't understand my anxiety or why I had these "dark" thoughts. To cope with them, I made my room spotless.
Constantly reorganizing things.
I grew up in a home with a disconnected (shut down) mother and an emotionally reactive (explosive) father. They were good people who loved me, but they were deeply disconnect from themselves.
They belong where the tiny voice insides them guides them to to be. They belong where they feel fulfilled and relaxed. They belong in the places where their soul whispers: "this is meant for you."
Modern marriage is about having an (actual) partner.
Someone who shows up for you and works on themselves.
How Marriage Has Changed:
In the past (and still in many places), marriage was mostly an arrangement. Dowries were paid. And often women were married off. With divorce stigmatized or not an option, many people silently suffered in their marriages.
Today, marriage is less practical utility and people are seeking marriage as a space to grow and evolve. People want a true partner. A person who can contribute, have difficult conversations, and show up as the best version of themselves.