Thread by @katierouquine

Trigger Warning: sexual abuse/grooming

In light of the ongoing conversation around Mark Rivera's sexual abuse of minors, at times I've heard people suggest it's implausible the abuse could happen as alleged, because it couldn't have happened in plain sight or in group settings.

(Note: some allegations refer to isolated situations as well – you can read several accounts through ACNAtoo, or if you've been forbidden to read things there, you can read survivor accounts through Religion News Service's reporting).

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley

This has bothered me for a number of reasons, but it's not enough to just say "it's entirely plausible", so I've been researching and learning more about how abuse can indeed happen in plain sight.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

Did you know only 4% of minor allegations are *false*? That's a staggeringly small percentage that should prompt us to learn more so as to SUPPORT courageous minors who DO find the courage to speak up (so many do not).

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

I hope some of the linked resources are helpful to those who still have "ears to hear" and "eyes to see". It's not easy to engage with, hence the trigger warning (I've been gathering articles for the better part of this month and have just found the bandwidth to stomach them).

And I'll start by including myself here, on two counts:

1) Even though I've taken care of children since I was 11, including camp counseling for 4 years, substitute teaching elementary school, leading Sunday School for 7 years, and being the first person fully trained in Child Protection Training at Rez,...

...I can't recall being educated much about grooming patterns.
Some of that is the level of awareness in the culture 20-30 years ago...some of it is just a miss for all those organizations.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

I'm not blaming anyone for the lack of education, I'm simply offering that even now, at 42, I've had a lot to learn about what to look for and what is cause for concern. It's okay if you find yourself in that boat too. Learning more now is better than not learning.

2) In terms of the brazenness to groom in plain sight (which then often leads to abuse), I'll share that when Mark Rivera and I were involved with Bird & Baby Theater, he made a sexually inappropriate comment to me about my body.

I was 30. It was in a group setting. Others sitting at the same table blew it off/laughed it off/pushed past it because no one knew what to do. I remember sitting there, a bit shocked, & debating "how big a deal to make" (as I have each & every time I've experienced harassment).

No one wants to blow something out of proportion and sometimes there are just men who are still boys, making careless remarks in search of a laugh. Other times, you have a definite predator on your hands.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

In the moment, I let it go – but I followed up with a couple friends after, people who knew Mark better than I did, who were there that night, to gauge how concerned/wary I should be around him. They downplayed it, basically because "Mark is Mark", so I continued to let it go.

But something in me knew what Mark said was wrong and creepy and without question crossed a boundary.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

So how much does it reveal that when a 30 year old woman, with a good backbone and sense of self, questions her own gut...how much steeper a climb is it for a minor, A MINOR, to not question themselves and to call a spade a spade?

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley

I think back to the person who told me earlier this year that Mark, "may be immature, but he's not a child abuser". They heard that from others at Rez. It's a convenient lie still circulating among some in the community and it's dangerous.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley

Grooming behaviors are sneaky and they matter. Seeing them as precursors to abuse is critically important to the minors in our midst and under our care. And abuse, devastatingly, can indeed happen in plain sight. Abusers are just. that. calculating.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA

The plain-as-the-nose-on-your-face example would be the Larry Nassar case. He literally abused girls WHILE THEIR OWN PARENTS WERE IN THE ROOM. Sometimes even while their parents were *at their side*. It's horrific.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

More specifics on that below, but I just can't get around the reality that if Nassar could do that, it's completely possible. It's possible sexual abuse of children happens in plain sight. While any of us are in the room.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

We would be wise to stop "assuming we would know" and start learning what we don't know.

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

I will leave you with two key quotes from @JimmyHinton12 (whose own father – a pastor – sexually abused his sister without anyone suspecting). Jimmy is the one who reported him. Hinton has made his life's work out of learning about sexual abusers so as to help educate others:

"Not all abuse happens in isolation. In fact, believe it or not, much of it happens directly in front of us...I’ve personally spoken w/100s of survivors who've told me they were abused in the same room as adults, and often while their abuser was speaking w/some of those adults"..

"Most of us falsely believe that this is impossible, or that somehow these adults are oblivious, ignorant, or negligent. Experts in the field of abuse speak about the abuse of children in front of others in terms of “control and power.”..

..."Pedophiles are experts at deception. They are artists and therefore are incredibly creative in how they implement their strategies. They are adaptable and nimble. What they do is dynamic, always changing. Abusers are the definition of becoming all things to all people."...

..."They do heinous acts, and thousands of them to dozens or even hundreds of kids, without having anyone suspect it. In the rare case that someone does suspect it or a victim discloses, the abuser can easily explain the actions away. I know. I lived with one such abuser."...

..."They have already thought of and rehearsed every possible scenario. They think on their feet much better than most of us do. Much of the abuse pedophiles do is intentionally done right in front of us."...

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

"In fact, the ultimate trophy is to be able to abuse their victims in plain sight of adults without their noticing it. Sure, they abuse in isolation. But they also abuse many of their victims within inches of our eyes. And we don’t notice."

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley

I compiled 11 resources with pull quotes, but most are lengthy and therefore not great for Twitter's format. So I'm linking to my public post on FB, where you can read the key quotes in the comments (all caps mine), and dial into the articles if you want to read them in full.

Head here for more info:

facebook.com/katieroro/post…

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross

@ACNAtoo @The_ACNA @ArchbishopFoley @frandrewgross @threadreaderapp unroll please