Thread by @TaineMcLean

Gonna become an artist. I’ll only take commissions to paint people’s second homes, holiday homes, and so on. Not their primary dwellings.

Gonna call myself Thomas Capitalgainsborough.

So @TheDailyShow is looking for a new anchor? I Noah guy…

The collective noun for people detailed in a media distribution index is a journo list.

Never, ever name your dog Spot.

It’s so awkward in the park when it’s time to leave and you have to call for your dog, “Come, Spot!”

There’s a breed of tundra wolf that has an innate ability to track prey over great distances. Scientists think the wolf is able to know exactly where it is in relation to its lair. Strangely this ability to know its location is only active at full moon.

Yup. It’s a WhereWolf.

Going to write a dummy’s guide to rappelling.

Yup. Cliff Notes.

It’s called Tupperwhere because you don’t know where the lid is.

The correct way to greet German bakers every morning is “Gluten morgen!”

Mirth control. When you prevent a pregnant pause by immediately laughing at my puns.

Timely reminder as I contemplate my healthy eating plan that there is no such thing as Scottish or Norwegian salmon. They’re all Finnish.

#FunFact: The original title for Silence of the Lambs was Shhh!eep.