Thread by @cerbykerby

so I watched shrek forever after.

and all I'm going to say is: wwx is *exactly* the type of person who would give up the day he's born in order to save his loved ones.

wwx makes the deal with jyl's still-warm body still lying in his arms: his soul, his life, his very existence in exchange for the the wellbeing and happiness of his loved ones. he no longer cares what becomes of him—so long as those he cares about are safe and alive.

because the universe is merciful, it accepts the deal, and wwx's existence is wiped from reality.

because the universe is cruel, wwx continues to live.

nobody knows who he is, or what his name is, or where he is from. and there was never a 'wei wuxian' or 'yiling patriarch'.

if this had happened a few years ago, wwx would be horrified at how every trace of him has been erased from the world.

wwx as he is now is just... tired.

so tired.

he would have preferred death, but the universe gave him this—so this is what he will have to work with.

piece by piece, bit by bit, he picks himself back up. he no longer has a golden core, so cultivator work is out of the question when it comes to earning money—and he doesn't want to draw attention with demonic cultivation again.

he gets by with portraits he sketches on the spot.

he manages to snag a deal on a small dilapidated farmhouse by a small river. piece by piece, bit by bit, he rebuilds it with his own hands and coaxes life out of the soil and river.

sometimes he hears news when he goes to sell his produce to a restaurant.

sect leader jin has passed. his son jzx takes over the sect. jzx's wife jyl is expecting their second child. sect leader jiang has stepped down to allow his son to take over. the gusu lan sect welcomes its largest class of disciples yet.

wwx hears all and yet none of it.

he cannot go see them. he's nothing more than a simple, humble farmer now. the cultivation world is well out of his reach. they don't even know him; to them, he never existed. this is for the best.

that doesn't stop wwx from drinking during particularly difficult nights.

he's not himself during those nights. sometimes he cries himself to sleep, his robes reeking of cheap alcohol. sometimes he rages at the sky, cursing the heavens for his fate.

sometimes, his hand moves without his permission, and he wakes the next morning to a new drawing.

those mornings are the worst. not only does wwx have to deal with a hangover headache, but he has to look at what he drew. if he's lucky, it's incomprehensible.

if he's not, it's a perfect copy of something from his memories. so far, he has sketches of jyl, jc, wq, wn, and more.

one morning, he wakes up with a crumpled, ink-smeared portrait of lwj lodged under his pillow.

it's a terrible sketch. his previous night's self hadn't bothered to let the ink dry before balling it up. but there's a level of care put in the sketch that is impossible to deny.

wwx scoffs at the sketch and tosses it at his cold fireplace to be used as tinder for that night's fire.

but after some breakfast and water, wwx can't help picking it back up and smoothing it out. without thinking, he redraws it, this time with the care it deserves.

it's not a perfect sketch of lwj, but it is similar enough to make wwx's chest ache at the sight of it.

beautiful, cold, law-abiding, boring lwj. how content he must be now, having never known the likes of wwx.

it is very likely that wwx will never see him again.

it's for the best, wwx tells himself. lwj has never looked at him with anything but disdain, admonishment, and hatred, but complete and utter apathy would be far worse. wwx doesn't know if he would be able to handle those golden eyes passing over him indifferently.

wwx will never see him again.

so.

it wouldn't hurt to keep this one sketch of lwj to look at for the oncoming decades. it will be a good way for an aging wwx to remember his… friend?

wwx frowns. they were never friends, but also not rivals. nor were they enemies, really.

they were… it is difficult for him to put words to it. they'd always felt on the verge of something—like all it would take was one word or action to mark them one label or another.

an almost-friend, wwx decides, and an almost-enemy. a former acquaintance he respects and misses.

weeks, months, years go by. wwx's wide range of skills ensures that he always has a way of earning money. he soon has enough to hire a farmhand to watch his fields whenever he travels.

caiyi town is beautiful, although it is still recovering from the waterborne abyss incident.

the people of caiyi are used to cultivators flying overhead and do not pay any mind to the passing shadows on the ground. wwx, however, can't help looking up.

the lan cultivators are too far upfor him to see clearly, but he thinks one of them has a guqin strapped to their back.

he watches the group until they are nothing but pale specks in the sky.

ah, he's being silly. the lan sect is known for their music cultivation; it could've been anyone who happens to have a guqin.

still, wwx raises his winecup and silently wishes lwj a long and happy life.

without a golden core to preserve his youth and extend his life, it will only be a handful of decades before wwx's time in this world is done. he fully intends to spend those decades out of trouble. anonymous. forgettable.

he still helps when he can, of course. life is hardly anything without a sense of community. he chats with the food vendors he sells his produce to and draws silly doodles for the local children.

but when it comes to matters of the cultivation world, he turns his back.

he deliberately avoids discussion topics surrounding the great sects or its members. he makes a wide berth around a peddler in town claiming to sell protection talismans. he hasn't so much as touched another dizi since waking in this world—and he wants to keep it that way.

so one night, when the owner of his favorite wine shop openly voices his worry about the hauntings in a nearby local forest, wwx does nothing but flex his fingers as he listens to the patrons brainstorming on how to pull together funds to ask one of the sects for help.

they reach out to all the sects—but gusu lan is the only one willing to spare the manpower to help deal with the issue.

wwx asks for the exact date the cultivators are expected to arrive, then he prepares to hunker down for several days and not leave his home.

the cultivators arrive. they're welcomed with much gratitude by the town. the keeper of the inn they stay at treats them to dinner attended by half the town.

wwx spends that night at home, making himself rice porridge with scallions accompanied by some sliced salted meat.

that night, he hears nothing.

the next night, he hears faint faraway strikes of a cultivation weapon-level guqin.

on the third night, he begins to worry.

the villagers are also worried. the cultivators had returned to their inn after the first night, but they haven't since.

"Maybe we should look for them?" the flower vendor suggests.

"Don't be stupid!" the butcher hisses. "They're cultivators and they couldn't handle it. What can the rest of us do?"

"Reach out to the other sects!" another says.

"We can't," the innkeeper sighs. "We have no money."

wwx listens to them talk and sighs.

after he has had his meal and walked back to his farm, he starts preparing—food, water, bandages, clean cloth, and alcohol for cleaning wounds. he doesn't have time to carve a dizi, so whistling will have to do.

once he's deep within the woods, he stumbles across the bodies of several slain beasts. they are mutated—hideously large, with bulb growths on their hides. the resentful energy around the corpses is suffocating.

wwx turns the energy on itself, destroying it.

there is a clear trail to follow; the trees bear the slash marks of cultivators' swords, and there are patches of cleared ground from a guqin's chord strike. wwx walks through, letting the resentful energy guide him to where it's most concentrated.

he finds a cave.

more of the mutated creatures surround it, snarling at the entrance. wwx can see two exhausted lan disciples defending the cave, their white robes almost brown with soil and blood.

with a whistle, wwx turns half of the monsters against the other.

it does not take long for the creatures to tear each other to shreds. even after silence falls, the guarding disciples don't dare move from their stances. only after they cautiously examine the area for any additional threats do they finally collapse to the ground in exhaustion.

wwx stays where he is, hidden from view. he will not get any more involved than he needs to. the lan disciples are injured, but not to the point where they can't shuffle themselves back to town on their own.

movement near the cave catches his attention. someone steps out.

wwx's breath catches in his throat.

it has been five long years since he last saw lwj—yet somehow lwj has grown even more beautiful. even with his robes stained with blood, mud, and other creature bits, he's still devastatingly handsome.

and still devastatingly cold.

"Hanguang-Jun," one of the disciples greets. they struggles to get on their feet.

lwj waits for them to stand up. "What happened?"

"I don't know," the disciple answers. "They started attacking each other. I-I think maybe—maybe a rival pack showed up?"

"Hm." lwj looks around at the cooling bodies of the mutated creatures. "We cannot be certain. Our wounded need treatment and rest; we will head back to town."

"Yes, Hanguang-Jun," the disciples answer, bowing, before they run back towards the cave.

wwx expects lwj to follow them—to help carry the wounded disciples. it would give wwx the perfect opportunity to slip away.

instead, lwj walks slowly around the clearing, stopping at each beast's corpse and inspecting it. with each inspection, his expression grows more severe.

shit.

lwj is going to notice that something is off, that the lingering resentful energy around some of the corpses are more honed and focused than in others—a clear sign of control through demonic cultivation.

but demonic cultivation isn't known in this world. for now.

wwx doesn't dare take any more chances. the moment one of the disciples calls for lwj and lwj heads towards the cave, wwx turns and bolts as quietly and quickly as he can back out of the woods.

he doesn't stop running until he has bolted his farmhouse door shut behind him.

once his breathing has evened out and his heartrate has slowed, he lets himself laugh.

in all of five years, he hadn't allowed himself to do any sort of cultivation work. and now that he has, he remembers how exhilarating it is—how in control he feels over the resentful dead.

he can't ever do it again, of course. today is an exception. lives were on the line. but he can't ever do it again—especially not in front of lwj.

with that in mind, he puts his supplies back and washes up for bed. he has done his part, and it is time to sleep.

but of course, it's not that easy.

a storm roll in around midnight. among the pouring rain, the flashes of lightning, and the roar of thunder, wwx somehow manages to hear the pounding on his door. he gets out of his bed and opens the door.

there stands lwj, completely drenched.

all notion of manners flies out of wwx's head. he stands there in shock, mouth hanging open, staring in silence. lwj is *tall*. the top of his guan almost scrapes the height of the doorway.

after a long while—during which lwj probably expected him to speak first—lwj bows.

"Honored Sir," lwj says. his voice is lower and smoother than wwx remembers. "This one is Lan Wangji of the Gusu Lan Sect. I have injured disciples with me, and their wounds need to be tended to urgently. Might we trouble you to allow us to stay here for the night?"

at first, wwx does nothing. he just continues staring at lwj as he crumples and smacks himself internally. his farmhouse is on the very edge of town and is the closest to the woods. of course it's the first one the lans would see once they emerge from the woods.

once he realizes he hasn't given an answer, he gives a start. "Oh. Of c-course. Uh." he looks around. his house is far too small to shelter more than three or four people at a time. "Sorry—would you mind staying in the barn? It's a barn, yeah, but it's large and dry and warm."

lwj nods and bows again. "Thank you for your hospitality."

wwx can only laugh nervously as he grabs a raincoat. "Please don't thank me. It's just a barn. I'm afraid it's not as nice as the town inn."

"It will suit our needs," lwj answers, stepping back to allow him to pass.

once outside, wwx finally gets a good look at the group. there are around six disciples, with two injured enough that they have to be carried. one of them is already unconscious.

wwx leads the way to the barn, holding his lantern up. lightning flashes across the sky.

"Alright," wwx says after closing the barn door. "Make yourselves at home. I, uh, I'm afraid I don't have enough blankets for all of you, but the hay is dry and warm."

the disciples sit down with grateful, tired groans. one disciple bows to wwx. "Thank you, kind sir."

wwx laughs nervously. "No, don't thank me. I'll, um," he glances over the group. "I'll go get wood for a fire in here, and some fresh water for all of you."

"I will go with you," lwj says.

wwx pales. "Uh, you don't have to."

"We are in your debt," lwj insists. "I will help."

wwx makes a face. "Hanguang-Jun has helped us with the local hauntings. There are no debts here."

still, he trudges back to his house with lwj close behind him.

it turns out to be a blessing that lwj came along; his strength is many times wwx's, and he can carry more water.

there is not much food in wwx's house, but he takes a jar of dried fruits and passes them out.

the disciples are in a much better mood once they have taken off their sopping wet outer layers and were drying nicely by a warm fire with water to drink and fruits to snack on.

"Thank you, honored sir," one of the wounded disciple says when wwx helps bandage their wounds.

"Ah, 'honored sir' makes me sound so old." wwx ties a neat little bow with the bandages. "Call me Wei Wuxian."

the disciple smiles tiredly. "Alright. Thank you, Wei-xiansheng."

it takes a while, but soon the disciples are fed, watered, and dry. it gives wwx a small bit of satisfaction to see them nestle close to each other in the hay, already dozing off. even the wounded disciples are resting peacefully.

lwj surveys the group silently.

meanwhile, wwx isn't sure what to do. it is terrible manners to just waltz back to his nice, warm house and go to sleep in his proper bed while his guests are sleeping in hay. he should sleep here and offer his bed to lwj, but the thought of lwj in his house makes him queasy.

lwj speaks first. "It is late. Wei-xiansheng should retire. You have done much for us tonight."

wwx's argumentative side kicks in without warning. "However much I've done, you've done more. Our town is now safe, thanks to you. I can sleep here. You can take my bed."

lwj's eyebrows move infinitesimally together. "I cannot take your bed."

"Yes, you can," wwx insists. "The juniors look up to you. If you're not well-rested, then they will be even more stressed."

"I will not kick you out of your own home," lwj states firmly. "I will stay here."

they both stare at each other, neither of them willing to back down. wwx is just about to argue more when one of the disciples shuffles towards them.

"Hanguang-Jun, we will be alright here," he says with a bow. "Please go with Wei-xiansheng to the house. You need to rest."

lwj frowns a little more. "I do not wish to leave you unguarded."

"We won't be." the disciple answers. "Hanguang-Jun, we're tired—but we are not helpless. Please, you haven't slept for over two days."

wwx's jaw drops. "Alright, bedtime for you, Hanguang-Jun. No ifs or buts."

lwj still frowns, but thankfully he doesn't put up a fight and follows wwx back to the house after bidding the juniors good night.

"Alright!" wwx goes over to his bed and begins stripping it of its sheets. "I'll get you some fresh covers and then it's time to sleep."

"I will not take the bed," lwj says.

wwx knows it's childish, but he can't help sticking his tongue out. "Oh, come on. You know I heard your junior disciple say you haven't slept for two days. It's late, and we're both tired. Just take the goddamn bed."

lwj blinks in shock.

wwx takes advantage of the new silence to dump his bedsheets on the floor. just then, a piece of folded paper slips out from under his pillow.

immediately, wwx snatches it up and hurriedly tucks it into his robe. he doesn't have to open it to know what it is.

there is not one scenario where lwj would look at the portrait, somehow *not* recognize his younger self, and be alright with a complete stranger possessing a portrait of him. he might even think wwx is some kind of stalker or pervert.

"I'll go get the new sheets," wwx declares.

luckily, by the time he has the new sheets out and spread on the bed, lwj seems to be all out of arguments. he doesn't even protest when wwx helps wash and bandage his wounds.

"You do not change your mind easily, do you?" lwj says as wwx begins extinguishing the room's candles.

"I don't," wwx says proudly as he lies down in his spot on the floor. "If it takes a bad word to get you to take the bed, then I'm willing to say as many bad words as needed."

"Ridiculous," lwj mutters, making wwx laugh.

"That's me," wwx chuckles. "I'm ridiculous."

lwj makes a soft sound that can be either a scoff or a laugh. considering that it's lwj, wwx is willing to bet that it's a scoff.

still, wwx can't help smiling. "Goodnight, Hanguang-Jun." he blows out the last candle.

"Sleep well," lwj answers from within the darkness.

the next morning, wwx wakes up to the sound of quiet conversation and activity outside.

he groans. of course the lans would be up and running at 5am, regardless of what happened the night before.

he tries, and fails, to fall back asleep before giving up.

wwx is hardly a stranger to sleeping on floor, but after five years of his nice bed, he has cramps and joint stiffness from just last night.

stretching out, he rolls over—and nearly shrieks. his portrait of lwj, still folded, is on the floor, right next to his blankets.

it must have fallen out of wwx's robes during the night; wwx unfortunately has the tendency to toss and turn in his sleep.

quickly, wwx snatches the paper up and tucks it back into his robes. surely lwj didn't see it. if he did, then wwx likely wouldn't have woken up at all.

his timing is impeccable; just as the portrait is safely put away, the door opens. lwj enters, neatly dressed in what can only be a fresh set of robes—the ones from last night are likely stained beyond repair.

when he sees wwx, he blinks. glances at the floor. "Good morning."

now without the urgency of injuries or a storm, wwx can't quite stop himself from laughing nervously. "Good morning, Hanguang-Jun. Uh. Are the juniors awake?"

lwj slowly turns to look out the window, where the disciples are visibly chatting. he looks back at wwx. "Yes."

ah.

wwx's nervous laugh kicks up a pitch. "Yes, I see that now. Um, so," he stares at a nearby chair so that he doesn't have to look at lwj. "I suppose… you'll be heading back to the inn now?"

"Mn." lwj bows his head. "I thank you again for your aid."

"Yeah, well," wwx rubs his face, "you needed help, and I could give it. It's nothing worth giving thanks over."

"Nonetheless, I would like to repay you for your kindness." lwj's gaze is intense—almost piercing. "Please accompany us back to the inn for breakfast."

wwx wonders how often he can laugh because of nerves and not appear insane. "No, no, it's quite alright. I have my own food here, and I'm on a budget, so I really shouldn't—"

"I will pay," lwj says. he hasn't looked away from wwx once. "It's the least I can do."

wwx considers refusing once more, just in case lwj is offering for courtesy's sake, but then he catches sight of the junior disciples waving at him through the window.

one of them calls, "Wei-xiansheng! Care to go get breakfast with us?"

and just like that, wwx caves in.

once at the inn, they're greeted by both the innkeeper and his wife. the innkeeper expresses relief that the cultivators are alive; meanwhile, his wife kisses both of wwx's cheeks once she hears he sheltered the cultivators for a night.

"What a sweet boy!" she coos, hugging him.

and just like that, wwx is treated to a nice, steaming platter of dumplings as thanks from the innkeeper for ensuring that their guests didn't die during their stay.

wwx pushes the platter towards the juniors when he sees a few of them eying the food curiously.

after ordering some fried dough strips, soybean milk, and some vegetable dishes, the juniors begin eating. although they initially start off silent, a few words from wwx are enough to coax them into discussion during mealtime.

it also helps that lwj isn't at the table.

instead, oddly, lwj is at the bar, chatting with the innkeeper's wife. they are far away enough that wwx has to strain to catch what they're saying.

"… such a darling, he is!" the innkeeper's wife exclaims. "And so handsome! It's such a shame that he still hasn't married."

lwj's reply is too low and too quiet for wwx to hear, but by reading his lips, wwx thinks he said, "I see."

the innkeeper's wife sighs. "I've been trying for the past five years to convince him to marry, but he won't listen!" she rolls her eyes. "Honestly, men wait too long."

this time, lwj's reply is audible. "Why five years?"

"Oh, that's how long he has been in our town," the innkeeper's wife replies, shaking her head. "Five years! My goodness, and he still hasn't found a wife. Honored cultivator, you mustn't follow Wei-gongzi's bad example!"

"I will heed your advice," lwj says sagely, which makes her giggle.

once lwj has returned with a new pot of tea, wwx leans forward. "Wise choice, not chatting with her for too long. She'll try to set you up with one of her nieces if you show interest."

"Is that so," lwj says.

"Trust me," wwx stuffs a dumpling in his mouth, "I've seen it happen many times. If you're not careful, you might find yourself married."

lwj watches him. "Don't speak with your mouth full."

wwx snorts a laugh and nearly gets dumpling filling in his nose.

unlike the junior disciples, lwj sticks by the lan rule of no talking during meals, so the conversation dies there. the food is still good though, and wwx polishes off his plates with enthusiasm.

afterwards, the disciples who are minimally injured prepare for another night-hunt.

"We need to ensure that the threat has been dealt with and will not return," lwj explains when questioned. "The forest was the site of an ancient war, and recent logging activities have disturbed the spirits. They use beasts as proxies for their unfinished battles."

wwx gives a thoughtful hum. "Hanguang-Jun is very thorough and perceptive. I can rest easy once all this is over."

lwj looks at him for almost a touch too long. "You live right by the forest. Have you not encountered any difficulties from the restless spirits within?"

of course wwx has—but he's not about to tell lwj *that*. wwx may have left the world of cultivation, but he is still the yiling patriarch. on the occasion that something not human and not alive wanders out of the forest, all wwx had to do was tell them to go away, and they did.

"Nope!" wwx lies through his teeth. "I mind my own business. If I hear strange footsteps and sounds outside, I just barricade myself in my house and pretend I can't hear anything."

"I see," lwj says.

"… But I'll let you know if I do ever end up needing help!" wwx grins.

something changes in the way lwj looks at him. "You know where to find me?"

wwx blinks and tilts his head to the side. "Yes? Maybe? Wouldn't it be the exact same way we contacted you to ask for help?"

"… Hm," is all lwj says, before he resumes checking his pack inventory.

with the wounded juniors recovering at the inn, the remaining disciples and lwj return to the woods to see their mission to its end.

after the juniors say their goodbye's to wwx, wwx watches them until they disappear down the path to the woods.

hopefully, yesterday was the worst of the hauntings, and now all they have to do is cleanse the area before they can go home.

but what if it's not that easy? what if, for some reason, the beasts return in greater numbers?

wwx paces nervously beside his door.

he shouldn't interfere. he really shouldn't. the gusu lan sect is capable of handling night-hunts on their own, and wwx has already risked revealing himself yesterday when he turned the beasts against each other.

he busies himself with chores: packing the hay back in its place in the barn, cutting firewood, cleaning his house, and fishing to stock up his winter pantry. all the while, he can't help glancing towards the woods.

night falls. they don't return.

that's fine. night-hunts typically take more than one night anyhow.

wwx leaves a lantern burning outside throughout the night, just in case.

the next day, still no sign of them. the following night, too.

"Oh, this is ridiculous," wwx mutters as he sets out once again.

it doesn't take long to find them; they're in the same clearing as before, seated in a circle with their respective instruments as a huge cleansing array hovers overhead, above the treetops.

no wonder they haven't returned; cleansing a warzone could take weeks—or months.

from his hiding place behind a bush, wwx studies the situation. the malicious spirits of the ancient warriors may be too far gone to try and cleanse them by typical means. if they have lasted this long, then it's likely because their last wishes are to destroy each other.

from wwx's point of view, that would make cleansing very simple: unleash the resentful spirits and let them destroy one another. let them have one last battle to preserve their honor. and if there are any spirits left, they will likely leave on their own, their duty finished.

of course, that's not the path that lwj and the junior cultivators are taking; even from his vantage point, wwx can see how the resentful energy twists and fights against the cleansing array, hellbent on seeking and destroying their targets.

the junior disciples are visibly tired—and the more tired they are, the more mistakes they make. and the more mistakes they make, the weaker the cleansing array becomes.

even lwj, as talented a cultivator as he is, cannot cleanse two armies of resentful spirits by himself.

wwx doesn't know what to do. he could end things here, right now, with a few whistles—but then he would reveal himself. if he leaves, then lwj and the juniors could be stuck here for days, until more lan reinforcements are called in.

and with more lan cultivators in the area, it would be impossible for wwx to cut things short and resolve the matter for everyone.

so. if he does something now, he could end everything here. if he leaves, then more could get hurt, and the lans could be stuck here for months.

he waits for too long. a series of missed notes on the disciples' part, and the array sputters. tendrils of resentful energy break free.

one tendrils strikes a disciple, sending them flying. their body hits a tree and collapses to the ground, their neck at an awkward angle.

another disciple screams and abandons their instrument to rush over to their teammate. the array sputters one last time before fading.

wwx watches in disbelief as the lans switch from a cleansing song to a suppression song to try and keep the spirits contained.

there are only two junior disciples left, along with lwj. that is nowhere near enough to suppress so much resentful energy in one place.

wwx's gaze drifts to lwj. even now, lwj still looks calm and focused. blood stains his fingertips from playing on his guqin for so long.

that's what breaks wwx. without another moment's hesitation, he puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles.

at first, the spirits do not listen. they are angry at being caged, at being denied their final wishes. their captors are easy targets.

then wwx whistles again.

'Obey.'

the force of his command catches the attention of the spirits. this is what they're familiar with, this is what they remember—how much authority their commanders carry in the thick of battle.

'The war is not over,' wwx whistles. 'There is one more battle.'

the spirits quiver with anticipation. the air turns cold.

'You are surrounded by our enemies,' wwx whistles, a command targeted to each spirit. 'Fight for your lives.'

immediately, the spirits turn on each other. they clash and fight and slowly, slowly, destroy each other.

by now, the lan disciples are in the middle of evacuating. they hurriedly gather their teammates as lwj plays a warding song on his guqin to keep them shielded.

without thinking, wwx rushes over to help. "Mind his neck," he says as they lift the disciple who was thrown.

very soon, the disciples are ready to go. only lwj hasn't moved, his gaze fixed on the battling spirits. his bloodied fingers move relentlessly over his guqin's strings.

"Lan Zhan!" wwx yells over the sounds of battle and guqin song. "Leave them! They'll destroy one another!"

lwj's head snaps towards him, golden eyes ablaze. he opens his mouth.

"Hurry!" wwx hisses, gesturing wildly. "We have to go!"

there's a crunch as the battling spirits rip apart a nearby tree, sending it crashing to the ground.

jaw clenched, lwj turns and runs after wwx.

the sky to the east is already beginning to lighten with the oncoming day by the time they escape from the forest. wwx briefly considers taking them to his farmhouse again, but then decides against it; the innkeepers should be awake by now.

they probably wake up half of the inn with their rush to get medical attention to the injured disciples, but wwx is beyond caring. one disciple suffers from a broken arm, leg, and ribs—but they are still awake and conscious.

the other one might not make it through the day.

his neck is broken, and there is trauma to his brain. he will need surgery as soon as possible to stand a chance at surviving.

lwj fires off an emergency flare to call for aid.

now there is nothing left for them to do but wait.

as soon as wwx hears the pop and crackle of the emergency flare overhead, he wraps up checking on the disciples. with luck, a lan physician will soon arrive to check on the wounded, and wwx would only get in the way.

on his way out of the inn, he finds lwj standing outside.

lwj was gazing up at the sky—watching for any answers the emergency flare—but when he hears the door open, he looks in wwx's direction.

wwx smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring manner. "Have some faith in your sect's disciples," he says. "Kids are stronger than you think."

lwj's unblinking gaze follows him. "Where are you going?"

"Home," wwx answers. "I'm no doctor, and the kids will want some time for themselves and their teammates."

lwj does not say anything to that. he just looks at wwx, his expression as stony as ever.

wwx glances down, past lwj's dirtied robes to his bloodstained fingertips. "That looks painful," wwx says sympathetically.

lwj's fingers flex, then curl. "Do not trouble yourself over it."

"Yeah, well," wwx shrugs, "don't forget to wash and bandage them. Infections are nasty."

not that lwj would ever get an infection—his golden core would see to that—but it doesn't hurt to remind him. wwx knows firsthand how easy it is to lose track of oneself when there's other people to take care of and worry about.

after one last wave, wwx heads back to his home.

there's not much to do at home; he'd finished his chores while he was waiting for the lans to return from their night-hunt. so, despite the sun rising in the sky, wwx bathes, eats, and retires to bed.

when he wakes up, the sun is setting, and there's a blade held to his neck.

at first, wwx nearly swats at the prickling sensation out of habit; mosquitoes can be a problem during hot days. then he thinks he's getting robbed by an intruder with a dagger.

then he sees the design of the blade in the orange light of the setting sun.

bichen.

"Do not move." lwj's voice is far colder than the chill of bichen's blade. "And do not scream."

wwx stays very, very still. "Hanguang-Jun."

"That is not what you called me in the forest." the blade presses a little harder against wwx's neck.

the forest? wwx mentally runs through the events of the day. what had he called lwj…?

"You are very knowledgeable for a farmer," lwj says. "You know my birth name, my title, and even my appearance."

appearance. wwx nearly swears. lwj must have seen the portrait.

"You also have interesting timing," lwj continues. "It is odd that your house is on the edge of a haunted forest, yet none of its spirits bother you. And how unusual it is that you knew where to find us and could accurately predict that the spirits would destroy each other."

oh.

well, when put that way, wwx does sound incredibly suspicious indeed.

bichen moves until its point is directly over wwx's carotid artery; one wrong move, and it's over.

"I don't know what you are," lwj's voice is low, angry. "Explain yourself, or you leave me no choice."

moving would be such an unwise decision, yet wwx can't help it. he turns his head—bichen's tip scraping his neck—and looks up.

even now, as angry as he is, lwj is a sight to see—bathed in dying golden light, yet still as cold as a winter solstice. his gaze never once leaves wwx.

how very odd; this is not the lwj from wwx's universe—this lwj is older—and yet the two of them are somehow exactly the same.

always a stickler for the rules.

always vanquishing evil.

and always, always ready to strike down the deviant rule-breaker that is wwx.

"Do you think me a spy, Lan Zhan?" he asks.

"You are not permitted to use my name," lwj replies bluntly. "You could be a spy; nobody here has known you for more than five years, and that portrait of me is how I appeared five years ago."

"That would be a good guess," wwx concedes. "What else do you think I could be?"

lwj's grip on bichen tightens. "A demon," he answers curtly. he gives no explanation.

he doesn't need to; even a child would find it suspicious that wwx's sudden appearance, the mysterious whistling, and the spirits acting strange all occurred at around the same time. in a world with no grandmaster of demonic cultivation, there can only be one explanation: demons.

"Ah," wwx says faintly. "That is also a good guess."

there is a long pause where neither of them speak. bichen doesn't waver, and neither does lwj's gaze.

"Was the emergency flare answered in time?" wwx asks.

"That is none of your concern," lwj answers.

"You left the juniors *alone*?" wwx demands.

"They are away," lwj replies. wwx can hear the unsaid 'from you' at the end of that.

that means the flare must have been answered; otherwise lwj would not dare leave his juniors unsupervised to go handle wwx on his own.

"Do you plan to kill me?" wwx asks.

"I plan to stop you," lwj replies, "by any and all means necessary."

"Which can include killing me," wwx points out.

for the first time in their interaction, lwj hesitates.

"I acknowledge the help you gave us," lwj says slowly. "I am in your debt, but it's not a debt I can repay by sparing your life."

how very thorough of lwj to realize that wwx's hospitality could've been a trick to use lwj's honor against him. it's exactly what a demon would do.

at this point, a demon or a spy might begin to panic; their attempts at kinship and securing an exit through courtesy have failed, and now there is nothing left standing between them and a cultivator's blade.

wwx hardly has the energy to panic. instead, he smiles.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan," he whispers. "I already told you; there are no debts between us."

lwj's eyes widen—just a little, but enough to reveal his surprise.

it was always going to be like this, wwx supposes, no matter the world: wwx on one side, and lwj on the other, opposing him.

it would be useless to beg for his life and claim that he is from another world—a world where lwj already irrevocably hated him, a world where wwx's hands were stained with his loved ones' blood.

after five years in this new world, even wwx sometimes doubts his own past.

if this is how it ends, then this is how it ends. wwx can't think of a more fitting way to go. he has had five years of peace. in a way, that is enough.

"Do what you must, Lan Zhan," wwx sighs, closing his eyes. "I'm glad that it's you, in the end."

he waits.

and he waits.

but the strike he's anticipating never falls.

when he opens his eyes again, lwj has the same icy look in his eyes, yet bichen's tip is trembling from where it is held over wwx's neck.

lwj's training is immaculate. he would not let his sword shake.

"I do not understand," lwj says.

it takes wwx a while to find his voice. "What is there not to understand?"

"You're no demon," lwj lowers bichen just enough that its tip is no longer at wwx's neck. "Demons do not give up so easily—especially with their life on the line."

"Maybe I'm an advanced form of demon," wwx adds wryly.

lwj completely ignores his words. "You've lived five years here, and are part of the local town's community." he sheathes bichen. "Yet you do not seem to care how they might react to your death."

wwx blinks. ah. in his later years as the yiling patriarch, he'd come to terms that his death would be celebrated by many and mourned by few—if any at all.

even in this new world, where no one knows him as the yiling patriarch, he'd forgotten he could be someone worth mourning.

"You're no demon," lwj repeats, "but you could still be a spy. Even if you are no longer an active spy, I cannot allow you to wander freely."

wwx gives him a blank stare. "Let me guess: you want to drag me back to Gusu."

lwj's eyes narrow, but he nods. "Mn."

wwx briefly entertains the thought of jumping out the window and running away. he does not want to go back to gusu—not in a million years. but now, he has no one to protect, no one who needs him.

"I suppose it was inevitable," he sighs.

lwj wastes no time restraining him with ropes and tying him to a chair as he does a thorough search of the house. he uncovers further sketches wwx had kept in a dresser; he looks through them with a scowl.

"I may have to report you to the Jin and Jiang sects as well," he says.

"I still consider shijie—Jiang Yanli to be part of the Jiang," wwx grumbles. "I didn't draw no stupid peacock."

lwj's hands stop sorting through the sketches. "Peacock? Are you referring to Sect Leader Jin?"

wwx blinks. looks at him—and, unexpectedly, laughs.

"Wow! You got him!" wwx chuckles. "He does act like a peacock, doesn't he? Strutting around acting all high and mighty and too good for Jiang Yanli."

lwj stares at him. "Sect Leader Jin dotes on his wife and regularly holds meetings with the public at Golden Koi Tower."

"What," wwx deadpans.

"'Peacock' is… perhaps a more apt description for his behavior five years ago," the way lwj looks at him is difficult to decipher, "he has changed since his marriage and the death of his father."

"What," wwx repeats.

lwj looks back down at the sketches and shuffles them around until he settles on one. "You drew Madam Jin in Jiang robes," he says, "and you drew me in my junior disciple robes. For a spy, your information is terribly outdated."

oof. wwx scoffs. "Says the fuddy-duddy."

said fuddy-duddy doesn't give wwx's words any consideration. after gathering everything he considers to be evidence, lwj wastes no time hoisting wwx onto his sword and flying back to gusu.

it is uncomfortable to stand on a sword while tied up. wwx complains the entire way there.

the juniors are already back at the cloud recesses, having flown back with the lan physician who responded to the emergency flare, and are quite alarmed to see lwj pushing a tied-up wwx into the cloud recesses.

wwx grins and waves to them the best he can.

wwx gets tossed into a holding cell that is about as comfortable as he expects it to be—which is very uncomfortable. it's sturdy and keeps out the cold, but the provided bed is hard and there is no privacy.

nobody visits him, either. it seems they don't know what to do with him.

servants bring him food, new clothes, and washbasins; he doesn't see anyone with a lan forehead ribbon for days.

the first person to visit him is lxc. he is just as wwx remembers: a handsome face with a warm smile. he seems so different from his younger brother.

he chats with wwx for over an hour. it's a pleasant enough conversation, but wwx knows it for what it really is: an interrogation.

when the topic shifts to wwx's sketches, wwx can offer nothing more than a shrug and, "I saw them in my dreams."

later,

lxc: well, wangji—wei-gongzi said he saw you in his dreams

lwj:

lwj: he

lwj: what

lxc: he says he dreamed of you. isn't that intriguing?

lwj: no it's not

lxc, watching lwj's pink ears: uh huh

the questions get difficult when lxc tries to ask about his life before five years ago. wwx claims amnesia, but even he knows that is a weak excuse. although lxc smiles and tells him to rest up, wwx is left wondering what other interrogation methods the lan have.

he has heard of the lan holding music cultivation secrets—songs that can twist someone's minds or tear them open from the inside out. he wonders if there are any truth-compulsion songs. he hopes there isn't—or if there is, that they won't be used on him.

wwx is accustomed enough to the daily schedule of food delivery that he doesn't look up when he hears a servant approaching with his dinner.

"What will it be today?" he asks, not looking over from where he's lying on the floor. "Bland rice porridge or cabbage water?"

there's an unnaturally long pause, then lwj's low voice answers, "It's… porridge."

wwx sits up a little too quickly; his head spins. "Oh! Lan Zh—Hanguang-Jun. What's all this? Here to serve me my last meal?"

the look lwj gives him is… something. "We are not killing you."

"Yeah, well," wwx shrugs, "clearly there's something planned for me tomorrow that warrants a visit from the Second Jade of Lan today."

lwj hesitates again, which surely is a bad sign. "Xiong-zhang plans to play the truth-compulsion song for you."

wwx takes a moment to process this new information. so the lans do have a truth-compulsion song after all. he's not surprised about that. what he's surprised about is that they would so readily use it.

"The song does not hurt," lwj says. "But it will be uncomfortable to lie."

"Let me guess—this is the standard procedure for interrogating spies?" wwx asks.

lwj nods. "Of course, we do not wish to use the song unless necessary."

something clicks for wwx. "Ah, so that's why you're here; you're giving me one last chance to 'fess up."

lwj doesn't react. he only continues looking at wwx with the same unwavering gaze. "Why did you draw the inner circle members from three different sects?"

wwx walks over to the bars and leans on them. "I told you; I saw them in my dreams, then sketched them afterwards."

lwj's expression doesn't change. "How do you know my birth name?"

wwx rolls his eyes. fuck it; if this is how it's going to be, then he might as well go with it. "We studied together at the Cloud Recesses when we were teenagers."

*that* gets a reaction. "Impossible," lwj snaps.

"Wanna bet?" wwx grins. "If it's revealed tomorrow that I was telling the truth, then you have to buy me Emperor's Smile."

lwj stares at him with open disbelief. "What is that?"

wwx's grin fades. "You—you don't know what Emperor's Smile is?"

"Is it a weapon?" lwj demands.

"What? No!" wwx gapes at him. "It's wine! A Gusu specialty!"

"Alcohol is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses," lwj says flatly.

"So you've never even glanced at the wine shops in Caiyi Town??" wwx screeches in dismay.

lwj gives him an incredulous look. "I have no reason to concern myself with what the wine merchants of Caiyi Town keep in stock."

wwx's laugh sounds a little unhinged. "Alright. Okay. Anyways, when you realize I'm telling the truth tomorrow, you have to buy me a jar of it."

"No," lwj says.

wwx sinks against the bars. "Why?" he wails.

"Gambling is forbidden," lwj recites. "Alcohol is forbidden. Accepting bribes is forbidden."

"Your face should be forbidden," wwx grumbles. "Clearly such good looks are wasted on a stick-in-the-mud like you."

lwj, oddly, doesn't speak for a good few seconds. when he does, it's to hiss through clenched teeth, "Flirting with me will not spare you from tomorrow's questioning."

"… Uh." wwx side-eyes him. "You think I was—that wasn't flirting. I don't—Lan Zhan, I was just teasing you."

the tips of lwj's ears go bright red. "Then do not address me by my birth name," he bristles. "This is the second time I've had to ask you to stop."

"Alright, alright." wwx backs away with his hands up. "Aiyo, you didn't have an issue with me calling you Lan Zhan before."

lwj's face also turns red. "You already know what awaits you tomorrow, yet you still lie."

"I'm not lying." wwx sits on his bed. "You and I truly did address each other by our birth names before."

lwj looks off to the side, but not before wwx sees the bewilderment in his eyes.

"Impossible." lwj shakes his head. "I would have remembered if such a thing occurred. You are deliberately wasting my time with this nonsense."

wwx's grin loses its corners. "Well, then don't let me stop you from leaving," he sighs, lying down on the bed. "See you tomorrow."

lwj stays at the cell for a minute—perhaps surprised to be dismissed so easily. then he sighs. "Rest well, Wei-gongzi."

and then he's gone.

when wwx finally reaches for his rice porridge dinner, he's surprised to find a heating talisman taped to the bowl.

wwx peels off the heating talisman and inspects it. to his dismay, both sides bear the sigil to retain heat.

he scoffs. lwj is compassionate enough to keep his meal warm for him, but not to the point where he would leave the back of a talisman blank. lwj still suspects him.

wwx doesn't know what will happen to him tomorrow. execution and imprisonment are still likely—especially if they find out that he has figured out how to cultivate the ghost path. the best case scenario is that they kick him out after his nonsense-sounding answers.

regardless, wwx eats his porridge slowly, noting its texture, the smoothness of the bowl in his hands, and the decorative blue patterns on the spoon. at least he knows the lans would give him a proper burial, if he's executed.

it takes him a very long time to fall asleep.

the next morning, he's given a light breakfast, time to wash up, and then he's ushered, hands tied, into the mingshi.

inside sits lxc and lwj. lxc looks up from where he's fine-tuning the guqin and smiles, gesturing for wwx to sit on a nearby cushion.

wwx sits. "Is Old Man Lan not joining us?"

lwj scowls and opens his mouth, but lxc beats him to speaking. "It is our hope that you will feel more at ease with less people present," lxc says. "As such, shufu will not be joining us unless it's the next logical step."

"You mean unless I decide to be difficult and uncooperative," wwx corrects him.

lxc winces a little. "We hope it will not come to that," he says. "This is not something we like to do, but we must ensure our sect's safety."

wwx sighs. "Of course. That's always the reason."

after lxc has finished tuning the guqin, he gives it a testing strum; wwx feels the notes as a tingle up his spine.

"I will only ask questions that will help me understand how much you know and what your allegiances are," lxc says, "nothing more, nothing less."

wwx expects to feel a push of some sort when lxc begins playing, but instead, he feels—free, almost. it's like he is drunk, except his mind is still clear, and his stress and tiredness have melted away.

"Wow!" he exclaims. "Wow, it is so easy to talk. Wow, wow, wow, holy shit."

lwj frowns at swear word, but lxc just laughs lightly. "It doesn't hurt, does it?"

"Nope," wwx responds quickly. his tongue almost feels slippery. "Nope, nope, nope. It's very easy to talk. Holy shit. I bet you developed this during the war. Lots of spies during wars."

"Are you referring to the Sunshot Campaign?" lxc asks.

"Yep—unless you somehow had another war while I wasn't looking." it almost feels too good to be talking this much. "I'm a little surprised you resorted to a forbidden technique, though. It's not very Lan-like of you."

"Although I suppose at a certain point, underhanded tactics are needed against Wen Ruohan. Not bad or unexpected. Still, very surprising and hypocritical, considering how much you condemned me for—" wwx clamps his mouth shut.

both lwj and lxc stare at him.

"What did we condemn you for?" lxc asks.

wwx keeps his mouth shut. now that he's not talking, he can feel a pushing sensation stretching from his throat to his lungs. it's like trying to hold back a cough. wwx strains against it.

"Perhaps a different question?" lxc suggests.

"Yes," wwx answers too quickly.

"Alright." lxc continues playing lightly on his guqin. "Please state your name and where you're from."

"Wei Ying, courtesy Wuxian," wwx answers. "I'm from Yunmeng Jiang—or I was, until I left."

"Why did you leave?" lxc asks.

wwx has to struggle to find words safe to speak. "To protect Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli," he says.

"I don't recall Yunmeng Jiang ever admitting to having spies," lwj murmurs to his brother. "We should reevaluate our relationship with them."

"Oh, I'm not a spy," wwx says. "I would rather face my enemies head-on than deal with all that subterfuge and constant lying."

lxc smiles a little at that, but lwj still looks discontent. "If you didn't spy on the Gusu Lan," he says, "then how do you know my birth name?"

the answer emerges easily. "Oh, I heard it during my first day at class here."

lwj bristles. "That's a lie. I've never seen you before in my life."

"Hush, Wangji," lxc says. "Now is not the time to fight his answers." he turns to wwx. "Why are you not in our student records?"

before he can stop it, wwx answers, "Because I never existed in this world."

lxc stops playing. lwj checks over his brother's guqin once, then twice.

"Xiong-zhang," lwj says, "he must be lying somehow. What he claims is impossible. We should end the questioning for today."

"Wait." lxc lays his hand down on the guqin strings, stilling them. "Wei-gongzi, where are you truly from?"

wwx looks at the guqin. he wonders if this is yet another interrogation tactic—the offer of mercy in exchange for information.

"Someplace else," he says. "Not here."

lxc nods as if he understands. wwx knows he doesn't understand. "Is there a way for you to confirm that you are not from… here?" he asks.

wwx thinks on it. no, not really. ultimately it's his words against reality, and he can easily be dismissed as a lunatic.

he shrugs.

"Perhaps something only you could have know?" lxc suggests, "Or maybe knowledge that nobody else has?"

knowledge that nobody else has? that's ridiculous. wwx knows plenty that no one else knows. it doesn't hel—

ah. wait.

wwx points to lwj. "He likes rabbits."

lwj's mouth falls open as his ears turn bright red. next to him, lxc barely manages to catch his laugh in his sleeve as he tries—and fails—to mask his chuckles as coughs.

"Ridiculous!" lwj seethes through clenched teeth.

"Do you deny it?" wwx asks.

"That is absurd!" lwj hisses as lxc twists himself completely away, shoulders still shaking with muffled laughter. "How could you claim—pet are forbidden in the Cloud Recesses!"

"Which is why I got you a pair of rabbits!" wwx can't help cackling. "You even kept them!"

still fuming, lwj turns to lxc. "Xiongzhang, I do not have rabbits. What Wei-gongzi says is not true."

"Not true, perhaps, in this world," lxc answers, still smiling. "But quite likely in his world, since he knows your little secret."

lwj looks scandalized. "You believe him."

"It is an intriguing thought, isn't it?" lxc chuckles. "The idea of another world where you and Wei-gongzi are close enough that he knows to gift you rabbits."

that does it for lwj. he stands up. "I have student papers to grade," he says briskly, bowing. "Please excuse me."

after lwj leaves and very much does not slam the door on his way out, lxc turns to wwx.

"We'll end today's conversation here," lxc says, his eyes still sparkling with mirth. "I no longer suspect you of being a spy, Wei-gongzi, but I'm afraid I still have some questions."

wwx gives him a wry smile. "Of course you do."

"I would, in particular, like to know what you did to earn our condemnation in your world, and how and why you come here to our world," lxc says pleasantly. "So please, think on it overnight."

wwx returns to find his cell changed; there's another pad layer on his mattress along with an extra blanket, pillow, and writing materials. he eats his food, doodles a donkey on the paper, and takes a nap.

he wakes up to lwj knocking on one of the bars.

"I don't have any rabbits," is the first thing wwx says.

the tips of lwj's ears flush pink again and he scowls deeply enough to cause wrinkles. "I need to speak with you."

"Well, I don't have much of a choice about that, do I?" wwx says, gesturing to his surroundings.

lwj ignores the remark. "If what you say is true," he grits out, "and you are from another world like this, then I must know the *exact* nature of what our relationship was."

wwx blinks. "Huh? Why do you care so much?"

"Because—" lwj flexes his fingers, "—because if we were—if you know too much about me, then that's information that can endanger me or my sect. I need to know just how much you know."

wwx stares at him. "Uh. Trust me, I don't know anything that can be used against you."

"I do not believe you," lwj insists. "There must have been something. You said we addressed each other by our birth names. You know—about how I view rabbits. Your sketch of me is more detailed than the others."

"So?" wwx arches an eyebrow. "That doesn't prove anything."

"Do you call anyone else by their birth name?" lwj asks.

wwx thinks. "I call Jiang Cheng, uh, well, Jiang Cheng. But that's what everyone calls him."

"Then why did you specifically target me?" lwj demands. "What is your reason for using my birth name?"

wwx is a bit at a loss. he doesn't know why lwj is being so aggressive. is it embarrassment, perhaps? surely liking rabbits is hardly embarrassing. maybe wwx shouldn't have revealed it in front of his brother?

"Because—because I knew it would annoy you," he blurts out.

"What?" lwj shakes his head. "Why would you—why?"

wwx laughs nervously and taps the tips of his fingers together. "You're usually so uptight and rule-abiding that it's fun to make you crack and lose your temper, so I just sort of started calling you by name…"

"So you call me by my birth name," lwj's voice is stony, "and gifted me rabbits, because… you found it funny to provoke me."

wwx thinks it over. "Yeah, that's about right," he confesses. "Ahaha, you caught me."

"That does not explain why I would call you by your birth name," lwj says flatly. "I would not do it with the intention to provoke."

wwx taps his chin. "Now that you mention it, I'm not sure either. You've always called me by my birth name."

"What," lwj says in a way that, to the untrained ear, might sound a little choked-up.

wwx knows better, so he ignores it. "Ah, well, there *was* one time when you called me Wei Wuxian, but that was when you were mad at me."

lwj takes a deep breath. "When was I mad at you?"

wwx grins more out of habit than actual amusement. "What a question," he snorts. "You were always either mad at me or ignoring me. You hated me with every fiber of your being."

the silence that follows almost makes wwx regret answering.

"I… hated you?" lwj's voice is small.

"Yep." wwx nodded. "At one point, you wanted to punish and imprison me—which, huh, I suppose is what you're doing right now."

for some reason, the tension in lwj's body language increases. "I don't understand," lwj shakes his head. "I wouldn't use your birth name if I wasn't…"

wwx drags his hands down his face. "Look, I don't know why you kept on calling me Wei Ying, alright? I'm sure you had your own reasons. All I know is that you never liked me, so you never told me anything about yourself. There's nothing I know that can be used against you."

"So that is how it is," lwj's sigh sounds bone-deep. his shoulders sink. "Thank you for your time. I apologize for disturbing your peace."

wwx gives a one-shouldered shrug. "No need for 'thank-you's and 'I'm sorry's. You had a good reason."

"That does not make it right." lwj bows. "I leave you to your rest. I will see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," wwx replies as he begins idly folding a piece of paper into a butterfly.

by the time it's time for bed, wwx's cell is littered with various paper animals.

the next day, when wwx goes to the mingshi, lwj and lxc are already seated—as expected.

lwj nods in greeting, but otherwise keeps his gaze down. lxc looks between the two of them with some interest, but he doesn't comment on the changed atmosphere.

"Shall we begin?" lxc asks.

wwx briefly holds up his tied-together hands. "I don't really have a choice in that, do I."

"Rest assured, Wei-gongzi—nothing you tell us will leave this room unless it poses a direct or immediate threat to us," lxc tells him.

wwx makes an unconvinced sound.

still, he makes no fuss when lxc starts playing. the song is softer than it was the previous day, almost gentle in the way it coaxes wwx into wanting to speak.

"When did you arrive in this world?" lxc asks.

"Five years ago," wwx answers.

lxc pauses to lay out wwx's sketches on the table between them. "When did you draw these?"

wwx looks at them. "Five years ago."

"And why did you draw them?"

"Because I wanted to remember them," wwx says. "I didn't know if I would ever see them in-person again."

lxc hums sympathetically. "Would you be opposed to telling me why the sketch of Wangji is different?"

that's an interesting way to gain permission during an interrogation, wwx thinks. "No, I would not be opposed."

"Alright." lxc nods. "Why is Wangji's sketch different?"

wwx shrugs. "Because I redrew it."

"And what compelled you to redraw it?"

"The first sketch wasn't great," wwx admits. "I wanted to get his face right." he looks at the sketch of lwj again. "Ah. I made his left eyebrow a little too short. I will correct that later."

lxc gives an amused chuckle as lwj somehow falls more silent, despite not having said a single word.

"Why was it important to you that you get his face right?" lxc asks.

"Because he's very handsome," wwx answers sincerely, "and it would be a shame if I remember him wrong."

this time, lxc's amused laugh is paired with a glance at lwj. lwj stubbornly refuses to meet his gaze.

"And what did you plan to do with these sketches?" lxc asks.

"Look at them when I miss my friends and family," wwx replies, "… although I guess Lan Zhan never was my friend."

lxc's second glance towards lwj is more of a pointed stare. he stills the guqin strings. "If you dislike Wangji, then why have a sketch of him?"

"Oh, I don't dislike him," wwx clarifies. "He disliked me. A lot."

lwj avoids his brother's gaze. "Why did I dislike you?"

"Because I regularly flaunted your sect rules," wwx grins, "and you didn't like my… life choices."

"None of those are reasons to dislike you," lwj argues, "especially to the point of hate."

wwx shrugs. "Well, I can't just take back my wish now and ask you to explain, can I?"

lxc sits up so suddenly that his fingers push against the guqin strings, making an off-key 'twang' sound. "Wish? What wish?"

ah. wwx clamps his mouth shut and gives lwj an unimpressed you-tricked-me glare.

lwj's eyes are wide. "Wei Ying," he whispers, "what did you do?"

wwx crosses his arms. it feels so, so wrong to just shut down like this—to not try and talk his way out of it like he has done a thousand times before—but right now talking is the worst thing he can do.

"I will not answer any more questions," he says.

lxc looks down at the guqin, his expression pensive.

immediately, lwj reaches over, places a hand on the instrument, and shakes his head.

there is clear hesitation in lxc's body language, but he eventually sighs. "Then we will end today's discussion here."

wwx spends the rest of his day in his cell, doodling eyes and features on the paper animals he'd folded the day before.

dinner that evening is a simple soup with rice and steamed vegetables. wwx eats it with no complaint.

the next morning, to wwx's surprise, lwj shows up.

"My brother and I spoke," lwj says as he opens the cell. "You are free to go."

wwx blinks. "Huh? Just like that?"

"We reviewed everything you told us," lwj says. "And we concluded that you pose no threat to our sect."

"Huh." wwx looks out the open cell door. it feels odd not having his hands tied. "That's it?"

"That's it," lwj nods. "I am to take you home."

cautiously, wwx steps outside the cell and follows lwj up the stairs. once outside, he blinks from the sunlight and inhales deeply.

"What convinced you?" wwx asks as they make their way to the entrance.

"We pieced together your answers," lwj says. "You said you didn't exist in this world before five years ago. Then you mentioned yesterday that you made a wish that is related to me not remembering you."

"During my meeting with my brother, I argued that—no matter what your wish was or why you chose to come to a world where you don't exist—seeing as you haven't done anything in five years, it is unlikely that you have malicious intentions," lwj concludes.

wwx stops in his tracks. "You defended me?"

"Yes," lwj replies.

"Willingly?"

"Yes." lwj turns to face him. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Huh." wwx plays with his fingers; he's saying 'huh' a lot. today is full of surprises. "I… didn't expect that, to be honest."

they continue walking down the path. lwj breaks the silence with a quiet, "Was I cruel to you?"

wwx snorts. "You? Cruel? No, no you weren't cruel. Mean? Yes. You were very mean, always rejecting my gifts and attempts at friendship. But cruel? Never."

lwj still frowns. "But you do not have positive memories of me."

"I do!" wwx insists. "Like—like the look on your face when I got you rabbits, or that time when we fought on the Cloud Recesses wall because I tried to sneak in alcohol past curfew—"

lwj's face goes through a series of expressions, almost too quickly to detect. "It does not sound like I was ever kind to you in any of these… positive memories," he says.

wwx thinks about it. "True, you were mostly angry," he admits. "Oh—except for the time we went for lunch."

lwj tilts his head. "Lunch?"

"We went to a restaurant in Yiling with A-Yuan," wwx hums. "It was a good lunch—although, uh, ahaha, I think you up ended up footing the bill for it."

lwj's face does something complicated again. "Is A-Yuan… a child?"

"Yes," wwx nods, "or, well, he was. He was about three years old when we had him."

"Three years old," lwj sounds a little faint. "Whose… child was he?"

oh, this is too good. it's not every day wwx gets to make the same joke twice.

"Mine," he declares. "I birthed him myself."

there is nothing wwx wouldn't give at that moment to have a piece of charcoal and some paper on hand; lwj's face is absolutely priceless, shock widening his eyes until almost each of his golden irises are visible. his eyebrows nearly push his forehead ribbon to his hairline.

but before wwx can burst out laughing at lwj's frankly *hilarious* expression, lwj blurts out, "Was I the father?"

the laugh wwx was holding back ruptures into a high-pitched, shocked cackle. "WHAT?! Lan Zhan—I was joking! I'm a man! I can't bear children!"

lwj looks mortified, ears and cheeks all cherry-red. "You said," he articulates slowly, "'when we had him'."

"For lunch, Lan Zhan!" wwx wails. his face is on fire and he can't stop panic-laughing out of embarrassment. "We borrowed him for lunch! I was babysitting him!"

"Oh-h," lwj chokes. "I—oh, you were joking. I apologize for—my overreaction."

wwx gasps and heaves with a hand over his heart. his teenage self would have found this hilarious, but wwx's heart is beating so fast it might burst from his chest. maybe he's getting too old for this.

"I can't believe this," wwx wheezes. "Do you not know how children are made? How do you not—" he freezes, "Oh, no. Is it because I didn't show you a certain book in this world?"

lwj somehow goes even redder. "You showed me a *marriage book*?" his voice is thin and strained.

wwx is certain he is losing his voice. "What!" he screeches. "No! What even is in a marriage—never mind. It was porn, Lan Zhan! I pranked you with an erotic art book when we were classmates!"

lwj's ears remain red. "I see." he doesn't sound like he sees. "You were… joking?"

wwx considers launching himself off the nearest cliff. "I did it to get a reaction out of you." he is so tired; being embarrassed costs so much energy. "It—we were both young. I was being stupid."

"Ah." lwj nods, then clears his throat. "And did you get the reaction you wanted?"

wwx buries his face in his hands. "Yeah, I did. You got very angry. It was funny to see."

"Ah." lwj nods again. "That is—good to hear."

the rest of their walk to caiyi town is filled with awkward silence. lwj's ears are still lightly pink. wwx keeps his dang mouth firmly shut.

the hustle and bustle of caiyi town does wonders in clearing up the last of wwx's lingering embarrassment. he flits easily from stall to stall, looking at the wares on sale.

"Ooh, Lan Zhan!" he motions at a stall selling snacks. "Come look at the—"

wwx turns to see lwj heading in the opposite direction, towards a wine shop. confused, wwx follows him.

"Lan Zhan, why are you here?" wwx asks, tugging on his sleeve. "Snacks are across the street."

"One jar of Emperor's Smile, please," lwj says to the wine vendor.

"Ah?" wwx's jaw drops. "Why? You don't drink alcohol."

"You do," lwj says as he pays the wine vendor. "And you told the truth."

it takes wwx a good minute to realize what he's saying. once it hits him, he can't help grinning. "I thought you said gambling is forbidden."

"I never agreed to a bet," lwj points out as he takes the jar and two winecups from the vendor and thanks them.

wwx gasps, scandalized. "Hanguang-Jun! Resorting to underhanded methods to maintain a righteous and rule-abiding appearance—how very sinister of you!"

lwj blinks, confusing marring his beautiful face. "This is… a joke? You are teasing me?"

wwx almost wants to laugh. "Yes, I'm teasing you."

"I see." lwj nods, then thinks for a moment before haltingly responding, "yes, very sinister of me."

a giggle escapes from wwx before he can help it. "That's the spirit!" he loops a hand around lwj's arm and pulls him out of the shop. "Let's go find a place to sit and enjoy the wine!"

lwj obediently follows him. "Where do you suggest?"

summer has already passed and caiyi town's tourist season is starting to slow down, but it is still easy to rent a small, covered boat.

"I've always wanted to do this," wwx grins as he steps onto the boat and places his newly-bought snacks on the table in the middle.

as wwx paddles them out towards biling lake, lwj eyes the jar of wine warily, as if expecting it to spring to life and attack him.

"It's not poison," wwx reassures him, then stops to think. "Well—alright, it *is* poison, but in fun dosages! Just don't overdrink."

"I do not understand the appeal," lwj admits.

wwx stops the boat at a small, solitary dock under a big willow tree with a good view of the lake. "It tastes good and helps you relax." he ties the boat off to a dock cleat.

"I see," lwj says hesitantly, looking back at the jar.

wwx pours the wine into both of their cups and nudges one towards lwj. "Here you are."

cautiously, as if handling a kitten, lwj picks up the cup and holds it at arm's length.

"Cheers!" wwx clinks their cups together and drains his with a single gulp.

"Oh," lwj says, watching him. then before wwx can stop him, he too brings the cup to his lips and tilts his head back.

wwx startles. "Ah, you don't have to—"

too late. lwj places his empty cup down on the table with a completely straight face.

"Not bad, Hanguang-Jun!" wwx gives a surprised laugh. "Look at you! You didn't even flinch. How does it taste? Do you want another cup?"

lwj blinks slowly. his eyes go a little out of focus, then he blinks again and his eyes focus on wwx.

"… Lan Zhan?" wwx asks cautiously.

it is by pure luck that wwx manages to scramble over to lwj's side before lwj's head can hit the table. "Ooh, fuck, you're heavy," he groans as he struggles to push lwj back upright.

unfortunately, lwj is much heavier than he looks, and they both end up tumbling to the floor.

fortunately the fall is not very far and wwx anticipated it, so he's only a little winded when he ends up on the floor with an unconscious lwj sprawled on top of him.

"Ugh," wwx groans. he can feel his ribs being squished. lwj's hair is all over his face.

after brushing lwj's hair to the side and spitting a few stray strands out of his mouth, wwx reaches over to where lwj's face is buried against his shoulder and begins patting his cheek.

"Helloooo Lan Zhaaan," wwx calls, "wake up. Wake uppp. Helloooo?"

just as wwx begins to fear the worst—that maybe lwj was allergic to alcohol or something along those lines, and that wwx had killed him—lwj twitches, then slowly lifts his head off of wwx's shoulder.

"Oh, thank heavens," wwx sighs. "You're alive. How do you feel?"

lwj is a mess. his hair is in his face and his forehead ribbon is crooked, yet he does nothing to adjust his appearance or get off of wwx. instead, he looks at wwx with hazy eyes.

despite the situation, wwx giggles. "Feels pretty good, huh?"

"Mn," lwj's voice is slow. "Good."

wwx snickers. "Can you get up?"

lwj takes his time surveying both his surroundings and wwx. he doesn't budge

wwx pats him on the chest. "I can't move unless you move, Hanguang-Jun."

something clicks in lwj's eyes. "Ah."

then he lays his head back down on wwx's shoulder.

wwx groans. "Nooo, Lan Zhan, don't do that. If you fall asleep on me then I can't—"

his words trail off in garbled gasp when lwj turns his face towards wwx's neck, lips and nose pressing against bare skin.

"Lan Zhan?" wwx croaks, already feeling his face heat up. "Wh-what—"

lwj's response comes as a slow inhale, his chest expanding as he draws breath against wwx's skin.

wwx squeaks as a shiver runs through his entire body. "Lan Zhan!" he clutches handfuls of lwj's robe at the shoulders as lwj nuzzles at his neck. "Ah—hngh—w-wait just a moment—"

lwj does not wait.

instead, wwx feels him open his mouth. he can't see what lwj is doing, but he can feel lips being pressed up and down his neck, occasionally accompanied by the light scrape of teeth and the brief warm wetness of a tongue.

"Oh-h," wwx breathes shakily.

he does not know what to do. he has never been in this scenario, and he has never seen lwj act like this.

worst of all, he almost doesn't recognize himself anymore. every sound that he makes is completely new—and so is every way his body squirms and reacts to lwj's attention.

it feels as though he's not himself anymore. now he is this desperate, panting thing with his fingers in lwj's hair and his head tilted back as lwj nibbles up his throat.

when lwj kisses the soft area right under his chin, wwx breathlessly moans and rocks his hips upward.

lwj's approving, answering hum rumbles in his chest as he makes his way up wwx's jawline, towards his ear.

wwx squirms, panting helplessly under the attention. without thinking, he parts his knees to let lwj settle in between them, to bring him closer.

it feels good. it feels so good. after years of nothing more than pats on his back or brief touches on his arm from the townspeople, wwx can hardly process how nice it feels to be embraced this fully, to be held this tightly, warmly.

he never wants it to end.

then lwj moves his hips. even through the multiple layers of robes between them, there is no mistaking the hardness pressed against wwx's own arousal.

wwx flinches as if he has had cold water poured on him. the fog in his mind lifts so quickly that it sends his head spinning.

suddenly, he can't breathe. when he inhales, all he can taste is the sandalwood on lwj's skin and it is too easy to give in again, to slip back into the warm haze of all this.

"Wait, Lan Zhan." wwx smacks at lwj's shoulder and pushes at his chest. "Hold on, no, stop."

lwj lifts his head from wwx's neck. his face is as neutral as always, but his ears are red and his forehead ribbon is askew. he somehow looks more drunk than he did after the cup of wine.

wwx continues shoving at his chest. "Get up. Up, up. We can't do this."

lwj lifts himself up a little. he makes a small, discontent sound.

"Please?" wwx begs. "We can't do this. Neither of us—" he swallows, then tries again. "Lan Zhan, please, the snacks are going to get cold. Can we please get up? I'm hungry. I want to eat."

that gets him to move. slowly, lwj peels himself off of wwx, using the seat and the table to steady himself back on his feet.

wwx stands up too, hurriedly fixing his robes. it is mortifying how much of his neck and shoulders is exposed. drunk lwj is rather passionate, it seems.

the snacks are no longer hot, but they are warm enough to eat. wwx chews through his food. after days of the cloud recesses' meals, caiyi town's street food tastes amazing, but he can't bring himself to enjoy it.

"No," he states firmly when lwj reaches for the wine jar again.

lwj does something with his mouth that takes wwx a few seconds to recognize as a pout. the regal hanguang-jun—pouting! wwx is certain he's hallucinating.

"You behave very badly when you're drunk," wwx can't help scolding him. "This is for your own good."

lwj's eyes widen with distress. his shoulders fall. "I'm bad?" he whispers.

"No, no, no!" wwx hurriedly backtracks. "You are good. Very good. But you need to stay away from alcohol from now on, okay?"

lwj frowns. "Wei Ying likes alcohol."

"Yes," wwx nods. "Because I'm bad."

lwj shakes his head so hard that he dislodges his forehead ribbon. "Wei Ying is good," he insists. "In pain, but still good."

wwx can't help laughing at the sight. "What pain, Lan Zhan? Do I look in pain to you?" he starts straightening lwj's robes out.

"You miss your home," lwj says softly.

wwx's fingers hesitate, but he continues smoothing out the wrinkles at the front of lwj's robes. "Of course I do. You did kidnap me from it."

"The home you left behind," lwj insists.

wwx forces himself to swallow once. twice. "Ah, Lan Zhan. I left that world because it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it." he reaches up to tighten and adjust lwj's forehead ribbon.

lwj's eyes widen the moment wwx's fingers touch the fabric.

his hands shoot up. wwx squeaks when he feels lwj's fingers wrap around his wrists, tight and trembling.

"What is it?" wwx looks around for any threats. "Are you alright?"

lwj's breath is shaky. "The forehead ribbon."

"Yes?" wwx raises an eyebrow. "I'm fixing it for you."

"Why are you touching it?" lwj demands.

"Because… I'm fixing it," wwx repeats, looking very confused. "Now hold still."

lwj stays very, very still as wwx tightens the forehead ribbon and carefully straightens it out.

"There we go," wwx says, smoothing out his hair.

they are far past their boat rent time limit, so wwx had to pay the boat owner a little extra as an apology when they got back. they were supposed to fly back to wwx's farmhouse, but wwx doubts lwj is in any flying capacity.

"Hey, Lan Zhan," wwx says, "should we find an inn—"

lwj is gone. wwx had left him alone for just a few minutes.

luckily, a tall man dressed in white is easy to spot. wwx tracks him down to a bookstore.

"Lan Zhan!" he whispers, "what are you doing?"

lwj keeps his head down, steadfast in his search. "Looking for marriage books."

a nearby man gasps. a woman, who presumably is the bookstore keeper, looks over in alarm.

"Oh!" she looks between wwx and lwj. "Ah, honored sir, we keep our books for newlyweds in the—

"We're not looking!" wwx's words are jumbled mix of shrieks and laughs. "He's joking!"

lwj makes a disagreeing sound.

the woman also laughs nervously. "Aha, is that so? Um, anyhow, if you do need them, I'd be happy to show you our collection."

"No, thank you!" wwx waves awkwardly as he tries to pull lwj out of the shop. "Sorry for the inconvenience!"

lwj resists him the entire way out. his feet even drag the entrance rug halfway out of the door with his stubbornness.

"What are you *doing*?!" wwx whisper-shouts. "Lan Zhan, what do you need a marriage book for?"

lwj doesn't answer him; he has spotted a cart full of chickens.

wwx is not proud to say that he wrestled a full-grown man to the ground in broad daylight on a busy street but it's what he has to resort to.

luckily, he manages to keep lwj busy enough for the terrified chicken cart owner to make a quick getaway with his chickens unpilfered.

lwj doesn't seem to care that he's on the ground and that his robes are all covered in road dirt. he watches the chicken cart go with some frustration then gives wwx a petulant look of you-made-me-miss-it.

wwx isn't buying it. "Stop wandering. Do I have to tie you to me?"

suddenly the lines between lwj's brows smooth out. "Mn." he sits up and pulls his forehead ribbon off. then he takes wwx's hand.

several passersby watch and whisper amongst themselves as lwj ties his wrist to wwx's with the lan ribbon.

wwx stares, jaw-slacked. wasn't—didn't lwj get incredibly mad the previous times wwx had touched his forehead ribbon? what's different now?

ah, never mind. it works in a pinch. wwx experimentally tugs on it. high-quality silk woven with spiritual energy makes the ribbon strong.

"I don't understand you, Hanguang-Jun," wwx sighs. "But if it works, then it works. Let's go." he tugs them both to their feet and starts leading them towards an inn.

lwj follows obediently behind, his face as neutral as ever, but his body language just *radiating* 'pleased'.

everything goes smoothly until they pass by a fabric shop and wwx quickly discovers a fatal flaw in tying their wrists together; he can guide lwj, yes, but if lwj doesn't want to be guided, the wwx has no choice but to be dragged.

he screeches the whole way across the street.

the clothier startles upon seeing two disheveled men stumble into his shop. "Oh, how may I help you—" he catches sight of bichen, "—honored cultivator?"

"Robes," lwj mumbles.

"Ah." the clothier clears his throat. "Um, you will have to be more specific. Which colors?"

"Red."

wwx's heart stops.

red.

lwj wants red robes.

faintly, as if he were far away, wwx hears the clothier asking for more details: when do they need the robes by? who will be wearing them? are they for a wedding?

then he hears: congratulations. you two make a beautiful couple.

"We're not married!" wwx blurts out.

lwj blinks, then frowns, as if this is news to him.

the clothier nods. "I know. Otherwise, it would be a bit late for wedding robes," he laughs.

"That's not—" wwx awkwardly laughs along. "I mean—can—can a man even marry another man?"

"Of course!" the clothier chuckles. "My husband and I have been married for over a decade now."

'Your husband,' wwx mouths silently.

"And if anyone has an issue with your marriage," the clothier nods in lwj's direction, "then have your sword-wielding husband take care of it."

'My husband.' wwx's lips barely move as he repeats the word. the feeling is foreign, as if those words do not belong in his mouth. he tries it again nonetheless. 'My husband.'

"Alright!" the clothier claps his hands. "Shall I show you what red fabrics I have?"

lwj nods. "Yes."

"No," wwx answers.

when both men stare at him in surprise, wwx forces himself to laugh. "The, er, the wedding is—still a ways off. If we shop for robes too early, then I might not fit in them when it's time, ahaha. Could we—come back later?"

amusement shines in the clothier's eyes. "I completely understand. My husband also likes to spoil me." he pats his round belly and laughs. "How about I give you a sample of the fabric? So that you keep me in mind when it's closer to the big day."

"Thank you," wwx laughs weakly.

lwj is resistant to leaving the store, but he follows easily enough once wwx hands him the handkerchief-size sample of red fabric.

lwj is surprisingly obedient once he has the handkerchief. he reverently turns it in his hands and doesn't resist when wwx tugs him along.

at one point, without warning, he puts it on wwx's face.

wwx can see lwj's disappointed face through the red fabric. he plucks the fabric off. "Hanguang-Jun, what is it now?" he sighs.

"Too small," lwj mutters.

"Of course it's too small. It's a sample. We can go back if—" wwx stops himself. "Anyhow, it's a sample. It's supposed to be small." he hands the handkerchief back to lwj.

lwj pouts, but follows along without protest, still inspecting the fabric in his hands.

the innkeeper also looks startled when wwx finally drags them into an inn.

"Hello," wwx says, panting a little. dragging lwj around is difficult. "Please tell me you have a room available."

"Well…" the innkeeper flips through a book. "We actually just got started renovating."

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," wwx groans. "Why are you renovating *now*, of all times?!"

"It's in between tourist seasons," the innkeeper explains, looking at the book. "It looks like we do have a room available, but the bed is only meant to fit one person, and you are…"

"Married," lwj declares, holding his wrist up. because wwx is tied to him, of course his hand goes up too.

wwx hurriedly yanks their hands back down as the innkeeper stammers, "I-I see. Still, um, it will be a little tight. I can give you a discount for it."

"That's fine." wwx rubs his forehead. he's starting to get a headache.

"Are you sure?" the innkeeper wrings their hands. "It's a little small for the two of you to be spending your wedding night—"

"It's fine," wwx sighs. "How much of a discount can you give me?"

they end up with a 50% discount—which is good, because wwx is almost out of money. the innkeeper has extra pillows and blankets brought up to their room, just in case they wish to sleep on the floor.

"Would you like dinner delivered?" they ask.

"Yes, please," wwx says.

their room is clearly meant for one person. it is small. there isn't even a privacy screen for the bathtub.

wwx considers sitting down, but there is only one chair, and he doesn't want to get the bed dirty.

"I am never giving you alcohol again," he vows to lwj.

lwj surveys the room. "No red."

"I know there's no red," wwx sighs. who could have known that the great hanguang-jun could be so unreasonable when drunk? "I don't have much money left."

upon hearing that, lwj perks up a little. he digs in his robe and produces a money pouch.

wwx looks at the bag marked with the gusu lan sigil. "That is very nice, Lan Zhan, but I already paid for the room."

lwj shakes his head. "A gift," he insists. "For your family."

"That's also very nice," wwx tells him, "but I don't have a family."

lwj's face crumbles, although there's a hint of confusion there—like he cannot decide which he's more upset about: wwx refusing his gift, or wwx not having any family.

wwx takes advantage of the pause to slip lwj's purse back into his robes. "We should wash up."

washing up proves to be very challenging. they're on the second floor of the inn, but that does little to dissuade lwj from leaving via the window to try and buy a batch of red candles for their room.

as such, wwx decides—with much reluctance—that they must stay tied together.

to his surprise—and relief—lwj is bashful when it comes to nudity. he quickly turns his head away when wwx begins undressing for a bath and doesn't peek once the entire time wwx cleans himself.

getting lwj clean is harder. he doesn't want to be looked at, but he wants wwx near.

he's still quite drunk, and he doesn't really remember where he has or hasn't washed; when wwx accidentally catches a peek, there is still a bit of mud in lwj's hair—dirt on the road mixed with bathwater.

but when wwx offers to help clean him, lwj refuses.

it is a long process. eventually, wwx gives up and washes his hair and face for him.

lwj fights it for a full minute before petulantly allowing wwx to look at him to wash him. then he gets soap in his eyes because he can't stop looking back at wwx.

when lwj is finally clean, the sun has already set.

despite his exhaustion, wwx cannot help looking lwj over when lwj emerges from the bathtub. as expected, lwj has a nice physique; being a cultivator at his level is physically challenging.

wwx feels his face heat a little as he quickly takes in lwj's neck, shoulders, arms, torso, and legs. he has bathed with other men before—mostly the other jiang disciples—but he never looked at them as much as he looks at lwj.

something on lwj's leg catches his eye: scars.

"Is that…" wwx looks closer. "Are those teeth marks? Is it from the Tortoise of Slaughter?"

lwj, who has been concentrating very hard on which arm goes through which sleeve, stops to also look at his leg. "Yes," he says.

"Did you kill it?" wwx can't help asking.

lwj shakes his head. "Too big. There was a war, and no time to kill the tortoise."

which means that the cursed sword wwx used to create the stygian tiger seal was never found—but it also means the tortoise of slaughter is still alive, unfortunately.

wwx chews on his lower lip contemplatively. he no longer has a golden core—but then again, he and lwj did kill the tortoise when they were both low on spiritual energy. and with demonic cultivation, maybe wwx can even take out the tortoise himself.

but that's a future problem.

"You and I killed the tortoise together in the world where I'm from," wwx tells him.

to his surprise, lwj's expression twists with annoyance. with a small huff, he turns his head away.

wwx blinks in surprise. "Lan Zhan, that's a good thing! Isn't that a good thing?"

"Alone?" lwj grumbles.

wwx nods. "Yes. Alone. We were stuck in its cave for…" he thinks, "a week?"

lwj scoffs and turns further away, crossing his arms.

"Lan Zhan!" wwx protests. "We had no choice! And we were both cold, hungry, and tired, so it wasn't exactly a vacation!"

"Still got to stay with you," lwj mutters.

"What?" wwx lets out a disbelieving laugh. "Lan Zhan, trust me, neither of us wanted to be there. You despised me. You even *bit* me."

at that, lwj snaps his head back around, eyes ablaze with fury.

before wwx can react, lwj grabs his hand, yanks him closer, and sinks his teeth into wwx's forearm.

"OW LAN ZHAN, WHAT THE FUCK?" wwx smacks and pushes at his head. "Get off! Get off! Are you a dog?! I'll kick you if you don't let go!"

just as wwx really is about to plant his foot directly against lwj's stomach, lwj releases him from his bite. after inspecting the bite mark he left behind, lwj makes a satisfied sound and begins pressing kisses to the teeth marks.

"Oh, *now* you want to be sweet," wwx grumbles.

"What else?" lwj asks.

wwx stares at him. "Eh?

"What else did he do?" lwj is almost glaring. "Tell me."

by now, wwx knows better. "No," he chirps cheerfully. "It's getting late, Hanguang-Jun. You should get some sleep."

lwj remains unconvinced. "Did he kiss you?"

"What? No!" wwx begins towel-drying lwj's hair. "Where in the world are you getting these ideas? Didn't I tell you multiple times that you hated me? And there's no way anyone would—"

his mind briefly offers him the memory of being blindfolded and pinned, warm lips against his.

ah.

someone *had* kissed him before, someone who had, despite everything, desired him—at least for a moment.

wwx glances at lwj to see if lwj noticed the unusual pause in his speech, but lwj has caught sight of his own reflection in the room's mirror and is glaring at it.

wwx: oh no i briefly paused because i remember that someone HAS kissed me before. i hope lwj doesn't notice.

meanwhile, lwj:

wwx clicks his tongue. "Lan Zhan, that's your own reflection."

in response, lwj huffs and deliberately turns his back on the mirror.

"Lan Zhan!" wwx scolds him, although he can't help laughing. "Such childish behavior. Do you think you're not handsome enough or something?"

"Ungrateful," lwj mutters.

"What?" wwx leans closer.

"He was ungrateful," lwj says, tugging wwx closer by the sleeve, "for Wei Ying."

wwx sets the wet towel aside and sits down on the bed beside him. "I don't get it," wwx says. "Why do you think he should've been grateful?"

"He had Wei Ying," lwj replies, holding wwx's hand in between both of his.

"Well, I wouldn't really say he *had* me. I think he would even argue that I wasn't his anything." wwx pulls his hand free and pats lwj on the shoulder. "Alright, time to sleep. I'll take the floor."

"No," lwj replies immediately.

wwx rolls his eyes. "I can't let a drunk man take the floor, Lan Zhan."

"No."

"Lan Zhan, are you three?"

"I'm twenty-seven," lwj announces, dead serious. "Bed is for sleeping."

"But bed is too small," wwx argues. "Bed is not good for sleeping."

lwj glances at the bed. "Not too small."

"Yes too small." wwx can hardly believe he's stooping to this kind of talk. "You're tall. I'm tall. Together, we are too tall for the bed."

lwj looks at him, then looks at the bed. then back to him. then back to the bed.

maybe some of the alcohol affected wwx's brain too, because he fails to react in time to stop lwj from picking him up and tossing him onto the bed.

luckily, the mattress is soft enough for wwx to land on with nothing more than an 'oomph', but then he's on his back and a little winded as lwj crawls onto the bed and towards him.

"W-wait, Lan Zhan, hold on—" wwx tries to scramble backwards, but the bed is just too small.

with nowhere to go, wwx tries to sink through the mattress. he can feel lwj's body heat over him. each of lwj's exhales stir the flyaway hairs at wwx's forehead.

"Wei Ying," lwj breathes. "Look at me."

wwx looks up at him and flinches when lwj presses their foreheads together.

for a single, terrifying moment, all wwx can hear are his own frantic heartbeats and tense breathing. lwj is close. way too close. they've never been this close before—not even on the boat.

briefly, wwx thinks lwj is going to kiss him.

briefly, wwx thinks he would let him.

then lwj's weight shifts. he turns his face to the side, away from wwx's mouth, and then he's falling, and then—

"Oof!" wwx grunts as lwj collapses on top of him. "Oh no, not again," he moans. "Is it crush-Wei-Ying-to-smithereens day? Lan Zhan, I can't breathe!"

lwj's only response is to snuggle deeper into wwx.

wwx can feel his ribs straining. "Lan Zhan, you're going to kill me," he wheezes. "You're going to wake up in the morning and find that you've been sleeping on a corpse and it's going to be super gross—"

the world temporarily spins around wwx. his hair goes from being spread out beneath his head to over his whole face. he can breathe again, but his next inhale sucks in a mouthful of his own hair.

beneath him, lwj brushes wwx's hair out of his face.

once wwx has stopped choking on his hair, he gets ahold of his surroundings; he's on top of lwj's chest, being held in place by an arm around his waist as lwj pulls the blankets over them both.

"Wait, isn't this uncomfortable?" wwx can't help asking. "I'm not exactly light."

lwj's only response is to settle into the bed and adjust wwx's position on top of him. once he's satisfied, he pets wwx's head as if he were a rabbit.

wwx snorts a laugh. "Happy now?"

"Mn," lwj hums.

"Will you go to sleep then?" wwx asks hopefully.

lwj hesitates.

oh no.

"What is it now?" wwx groans.

"Don't want to sleep," lwj answers. he brushes the back of his knuckles against wwx's cheek.

by now, wwx is bone-tired. he has had an exhausting day of being dragged around like a rag doll and put in emotionally-compromising situations.

he just wants to sleep and not think for a while.

"It's almost nine. Good Lans go to sleep at nine," wwx states firmly.

lwj doesn't seem to care. he's too busy staring at wwx with soft, soft eyes—cold gold melted into warm honey. even with no smile, he looks… happy.

the lwj wwx knew would never, ever, ever look at him in such a way—not with such open fondness. nor had he ever held wwx so gently. wwx would remember if he had.

… perhaps he had? wwx's memories are foggy. he remembers a fever. a warm lap. a gentle hand on his head. a song.

but nothing came out of it, he's sure. the next time they met, he and lwj had argued. fever hallucinations can be strange.

still, it gives wwx an idea.

"If I sing you a lullaby, will you go to sleep?" he asks.

lwj's eyes widen a little with interest, and he nods.

so wwx hums the song from the cave back to him. it's a little strange; he doesn't consciously know the notes, but they somehow come to him all the same.

lwj listens with wide eyes for a bit, but slowly, his blinks grow longer and sleepier.

wwx doesn't stop humming until he feels lwj's breathing deepen and even out beneath him.

he has never seen lwj sleep before—at least not this close. lwj's eyelashes are long, and his eyelids twitch a little in his sleep.

he looks very peaceful.

wwx badly wants to reach out and touch him. he doesn't seem real. surely such a man doesn't truly exist.

… ah.

right. he *didn't* exist. this version of lwj only exists because wwx erased himself from this world. this lwj is the way he is because he never met or knew wwx.

wwx doesn't like to think of himself as someone with regrets, but he wishes at that moment to shove lwj's memories of him back into his head, wake him up, and demand to know if he truly hated wwx so much that, without wwx around, he is someone kinder and warmer.

that's a good thing, wwx tells himself, over and over. that's a good thing. it means wwx made the right choice. this is better. if lwj is happier and more content without having known wwx from the start, then it is worth it. it is worth it.

wwx has no regrets.

it takes him a long time to fall asleep. lwj's warmth and heartbeat are, in a way, their own lullaby—but wwx wants to look at lwj more.

when he finally gives in, he tucks his arms under lwj's shoulders as a way to embrace him back, before falling asleep.

for the first time in a long, long time, wwx sleeps deeply, soundly, dreamless—lulled by the scent of sandalwood and the sound of another's heartbeat.

morning comes far too quickly—and too early. although wwx has grown accustomed to waking early to tend to his farm, he's fully capable of sleeping in on his rest days.

the reason for his early waking quickly becomes clear; lwj is also awake, and trying to move wwx off of him.

the moment wwx lifts his head, lwj stills. they both stare at each other—well, lwj stares. wwx squints, because he's still not fully awake yet.

"Good morning," wwx says, blinking sleep out of his eyes.

there is a pause. "Good morning," lwj replies.

wwx lays his head back down on lwj's chest. he's almost sleepy enough to miss the way lwj flinches a little. "Is it five already?"

"It is," lwj confirms.

"Oh." wwx yawns. "How do you feel?"

"I am well," lwj replies. there is another stretch of silence. "I have a headache."

"That's to be expected." wwx groans as he pushes himself off of lwj and gets out of bed. "Wait here, I'll get you some water." he tucks the blankets back around lwj before leaving.

when he returns with a cup of water and lwj's forehead ribbon, lwj is already sitting up.

the moment he sees wwx, his gaze locks onto the ribbon in wwx's hand.

"Here's your water." wwx holds out the cup.

lwj accepts the cup with both hands and a polite head nod in thanks. his eyes goes back to the ribbon. he doesn't drink from his cup.

wwx is a little lost for words and actions. it's cold outside of the bed, but he doesn't have the nerve to crawl back under the covers with lwj.

he threads the ribbon through his fingers just to give himself something to do. "Um—do you want anything for breakfast?"

finally, lwj meets his gaze. "What are you doing with my forehead ribbon?"

"Oh, uh, this?" wwx unwinds it from his fingers and holds it out. "Nothing, really. I was—I was going to offer to tie it back on for you after you've brushed your hair."

"Please hand it back," lwj says. he sounds strained.

"Oh, yes, of course." wwx hurriedly drops it in lwj's hand. "Here you go. So, um, I'll—go get breakfast?"

lwj is staring down at the ribbon in his hand. "If it won't trouble you too much."

"It won't," wwx reassures him.

after slipping on an additional layer, wwx hurries downstairs to take a look at what the inn is serving. he uses the last of the money he has on him to buy some steamed buns and soybean milk.

by the time he returns, lwj is already fully dressed, his forehead ribbon tied back on.

wwx tries not to feel disappointed. he'd said he was going to help lwj with his hair and forehead ribbon, but it appears lwj deliberately dressed fast to avoid that.

it's a shame. lwj without his outer robes looked so warm and open. wwx misses it already.

"Here we go." wwx sets the food down. "Sorry it isn't more varied."

lwj looks at the food, then at wwx, then back at the food. "It is of no issue. Thank you." he takes a bun.

wwx pours out soybean milk for them both and nudges a bowl towards lwj. "Drink. You need more liquids."

lwj accepts the bowl, but doesn't drink immediately. instead, he stares down at the steam rising from its surface. "Wei Ying."

"Hm?" wwx looks at him.

it takes two tries for lwj to speak properly. "I hope," he swallows. "I hope I did not overly burden you. Yesterday."

"What?" wwx pauses to take a bite. "Oh! You mean when you were drunk? No, you weren't a burden at all! It was quite fun now that I can look back on it and you're no longer crushing me."

color drains lwj's face. "I… crushed you?"

"Sort of," wwx says. "Don't you remember?"

wwx is no stranger to alcohol-induced amnesia—it can be quite funny at times, especially when his friends don't remember the shenanigans they got up to while drunk.

there is nothing funny about the look of growing panic on lwj's face.

wwx feels his own smile fading. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"The boat," lwj answers. "I drank the wine, and then—that's the most I remember. I also almost…" he furrows his brows. "No, that's all I can remember."

wwx's own mind plays back yesterday's events. if lwj is telling the truth—and lwj is always telling the truth—then that means he remembers nothing beyond the cup of wine.

he doesn't remember kissing wwx's neck, and he doesn't remember shopping for marriage books and robes.

wwx stares at the bite mark in his bun. he can't even begin the piece together the thoughts he has about all this, but the strongest one is guilt.

he shouldn't have pressed lwj to drink with him, and he shouldn't have riled lwj up during their chat back at the cloud recesses.

it shouldn't be a surprise that all those misunderstandings they'd had about children and marriage books manifested in lwj being hyper-focused on marriage when he got drunk.

it just so happened that wwx was nearby and consequently the target of such projections.

it's such a simple explanation. wwx doesn't know why it makes his stomach drop. or why he suddenly feels cold and numb.

"Ah," he makes himself say, because if he says nothing, then lwj will know something is wrong. "Ahaha, Lan Zhan, don't worry. You didn't do anything."

lwj looks unconvinced. "Wei Ying, if I did anything—untoward to you—"

"What makes you think you did?" wwx hopes his laugh sounds more real to lwj than it does to him. "Lan Zhan, I'm not exactly helpless. If you'd done something to me that I didn't want, I would've fought back."

"You said I crushed you," lwj says.

"In a hug!" wwx quickly improvises. "You hugged me. Twice. It was funny."

lwj stared straight ahead. "I laid hands on you."

"I'm fine with hugs!" wwx argues. "I used to hug my friends all the time!"

lwj still looks unsettled. "Did I truly do nothing to you?" he looks at wwx. his gaze is almost painfully earnest. "Wei Ying, please. I need to know."

wwx is certain that he does not need to know. if he knows, then he will try to apologize—and wwx can't bear that.

so wwx smiles again.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan, so serious!" he smacks lwj's arm as he stands up. "I would offer you some wine to help you lighten up, but I'd like to get home before sundown. Hurry up and finish breakfast. I'll go check us out of the inn."

lwj inhales. "Wei Ying—"

"'No talking during mealtimes'," wwx recites as he patrols the room, quickly gathering his things: his hair ribbon, one of his robe layers, his collection of sketches—

something red on the bed catches his attention. wwx inches closer.

it's the red handkerchief.

it was buried among the pushed-aside blankets, so it's unlikely that lwj has seen it; perhaps it had fallen out sometime during the night and gotten lost among the bedsheets.

wwx quickly snatches it up and stuffs it into a pocket.

checking out of the room is mostly painless; the innkeeper asks if wwx and his husband found the room satisfactory, and wwx manages to not choke on his words as he replies.

when he and lwj leave the inn, the innkeeper—thankfully—only thanks them for their patronage.

once outside, lwj draws his sword and makes it hover just above the ground. "Wei Ying." he holds out his hand.

wwx puts his hand on lwj's arm instead to help balance himself as he steps onto bichen.

there's a heavy sort of silence as lwj also steps on.

"Would you rather hold onto me or I hold you?" lwj asks.

'Hold me,' is what wwx nearly answers, begs. it had felt so nice the night before.

"Whatever you're comfortable with," wwx says instead.

lwj deliberates, then says, "Pardon me," as he holds wwx by the shoulders.

since wwx told lwj that he was part of yunmeng jiang and had even attended classes in the cloud recesses, it wouldn't be unreasonable for lwj to assume that wwx was a cultivator and expect him to know how to ride a sword.

still, lwj flies carefully and smoothly with him aboard.

they fly in silence. usually, wwx would be filling this time with his typical chatter and commentary, but he is tired. despite having had a restful night, he is somehow more tired than he was yesterday.

he just wants to go home and lie in his bed and not have to think.

"Wei Ying," lwj speaks first. "I think something happened between us last night."

wwx chews on the inside of his cheek. damn it. "And what makes you think that?" he asks lightly.

"We awoke in the same bed," lwj answers. "You held my forehead ribbon familiarly."

"The inn only had that room within my budget," wwx answers. "And you handed me your forehead ribbon."

the sword beneath their feet wavers—but only for a fraction of a second.

"My ribbon. I gave it to you… and you accepted it?" lwj asks, his voice almost lost to the wind.

"… Yes?" he turns to look at lwj. "Why wouldn't I?"

lwj is looking off into the distance, and wwx can't see his eyes. "Have I given you my ribbon… before?"

wwx thinks. "Well, no. I always sort of took it from you, before. You weren't very happy about it."

"And," lwj sounds strangled, "how did I react?"

"By getting mad at me," wwx replies,

"That's it?"

"That's it." wwx is starting to get the sense that something is weirdly off about their conversation. "Uh. Is that… a problem? What's the ribbon for?"

lwj doesn't answer at first; instead, he steers them to a clearing in the forest below and helps wwx off of the sword before sheathing bichen.

"You said you studied at the Cloud Recesses before," lwj sounds—wwx is almost scared to admit he sounds *upset*, "yet you don't know?"

"Don't know what? About the forehead ribbon?" wwx is fiddling nervously with his sleeves. "I'm sorry, alright? I know it's important to you, so I'm sorry for—"

"No, Wei Ying." there is pain in lwj's expression. "A Lan's forehead ribbon can only be touched by their fated one."

for a single, blissful moment, wwx is certain that lwj is joking.

and for a single, blissful moment, wwx almost found it funny.

but lwj is not joking. he is staring at the ground, waiting for wwx's answer, and looking a little pale.

"Oh," wwx says, because there is nothing else he can say. "Uh."

he also falls silent. it is terrible, the distance between them—like a yawning, impossible chasm had cracked open at their feet.

wwx can feel panic growing from within. he's not ready for this—whatever this is.

"What happens if someone who isn't the Lan's fated one touches the ribbon?" he hears himself ask.

lwj replies, "Then the Lan is entitled to seek retribution. I have heard of monetary restitution. Honor killings are not out of bounds."

"Oh." wwx's head is spinning. "Oh."

he has to go lean against a nearby tree to stay on his feet. he may be starting to black out; he has to blink stars out of his eyes every now and then.

"Wei Ying," lwj calls softly, and it's the most beautiful and awful thing wwx has ever heard, "I don't think I hated you."

"No," wwx whispers, but it is not loud enough to go past his lips. "Don't."

twigs and leaves crunch beneath lwj's feet as he walks closer to wwx. wwx wishes he could yell at him, to tell lwj to back off.

"Wei Ying," lwj says in the same cruelly soft tone, "I think I loved you."

all wwx can do is stare down at his feet. he feels sick to his stomach and horribly numb. he hates this so much, yet he can't help repeating lwj's words in his mind:

'I think I loved you.'

'I think I loved you.'

"And what do you want me to do about it?" wwx asks out loud.

lwj inhales. "Wei Yi—"

"First off," wwx holds up a finger, "it is impossible for you to prove anything. You are not the Lan Wangji from the past, so you cannot know for certain how he felt, and I will not let you pretend that you know—because you *don't* know."

"Second," wwx holds up another finger, "it doesn't matter one bit how he felt about me. I still did what I did, and so did he. I still walked my path, and he walked his. I've made my wish, and the world is now what it is. This changes nothing."

lwj steps forward. "Please—"

"Third," wwx raises his voice a little, because his throat feels too tight, "even if it is true, I don't see why or how it affects the present. Don't you dare try and claim that you should be treating me a certain way because your past self would have wanted it."

lwj exhales sharply. "I did not mean to upset you, Wei Ying. I only intended to clear up any misunderstandings between us."

"And what have you cleared up?" wwx demands. "What did you want to accomplish with such a claim? To—to tell me that someone who hated me actually didn't?"

"Because if you did, you had a funny way of showing it, Lan Wangji," wwx's laugh brings back memories of dark mountains overhead and bones under his feet, "you never said a single kind word to me, nor did you ever spare me a glance. I wanted to be friends, and you never let me."

"So forgive me if I think that it's bullshit that you ever felt anything other than animosity towards me," wwx can feel his body starting to shake, "and even if you *think* you liked me, it doesn't change what relationship we had. You cannot reclaim what I wished away."

"And if you *do* try," oh no, wwx can hear himself starting to choke on something that feels suspiciously like tears, "if you do attempt to salvage something that neither of us can prove was there, then I'll never forgive you. Do you hear me? I'll never forgive you."

it takes every bit of concentration to stifle down his tears and get his breathing under control. even then, wwx can't stop shaking. he's wearing enough layers, but he's shivering as if on the verge of freezing.

lwj, on the other hand, is as still as a statue.

when he finally does speak, his voice breaks the silence like lake ice cracking apart. "Wei Ying is correct in that the past no longer affects the present. You yourself ensured that."

wwx tries, and fails, not to flinch at that.

"What I don't understand," lwj continues, "is that I never once claimed that I wish to gain back what was lost. We both know the past cannot be reclaimed, but you've focused solely on what was, and not on what is to be."

wwx gives him a sour look. "What your point?

"What I mean," lwj says slowly, "is that your wish works both ways. I am not the Lan Wangji you knew—and as such, you cannot claim to know me as you knew him."

wwx frowns. his head hurts, and it's hard to think. "You mean…

"It means I speak to you as myself—as someone new."

wwx rubs at his eyes. "You being someone new doesn't change anything."

"It changes everything," lwj says. "I am here."

three simple words, yet their many meanings hit wwx like a blow to the stomach. he tries to swallow around the lump in his throat. "You are."

"You no longer know me," lwj takes another step forward; if wwx reaches out, he could touch him, "and I no longer know you. We do not have a shared past, but we can, again, if you let me."

wwx blinks until his blurred vision goes away and his eyelashes are wet.

"Such a poet, Hanguang-Jun," wwx laughs weakly. he's too tired to make it sound real. "Someday, your fated one will love your words very much."

lwj breathes shakily. "Wei Ying—"

"I made my wish five years ago," wwx continues, "yet not once did I seek you out. Do you know why?"

lwj does not answer. he is still watching wwx with a painfully open expression on his face.

"Because I *don't* want to be known," wwx answers for him. "I made my wish because I wanted to disappear—not because I wanted to escape or start a new life. That has not changed."

it is only midday, and the woods around them rustle as the wind blows through. lwj's gaze does not leave him once—not even when the wind tugs a lock of his hair into his face.

"I will not claim to understand your struggles," lwj finally says, "but I hear you."

that—that's good. that's all wwx can ask of him: that he hears and acknowledges what wwx had to say.

wwx nods, hugging himself. "Can I please go home now?"

"Of course." lwj draws bichen and places it a few inches above the ground.

the rest of the trip is quiet. it is a different kind of quiet compared to that morning's flight—this quiet is more somber and solemn. it feels like a goodbye.

the arrival of a cultivator doesn't go unnoticed in wwx's home town; a few people call his name in surprise and wave.

wwx manages to wave back at them as he passes by overhead. when lwj notices, he starts slowing down and bringing bichen to the ground.

"Wei-gongzi!" the local blacksmith gasps. "Oh, my goodness—where have you been?" she looks past him, at lwj, "and who have you brought home?"

"Oh, uh," wwx briefly glances back at lwj. "This is Hanguang-Jun of Gusu Lan."

the blacksmith perks up. "Oh! Hanguang-Jun!" she bows; it is not perfect, but it is sincere. "Are you planning on staying?"

"Actually," wwx interrupts, "he was just dropping me off."

"Aw, that's too bad." the blacksmith winks at lwj. "He's very handsome. The inn will be very busy should he ever decide to stay for supper."

wwx bids her goodbye, then starts walking down the path back to his farmhouse.

without a word, lwj follows him.

"You don't have to see me all the way to my door," wwx tells him. "I can find my way back."

"I wish to see you safe," is all lwj says as an explanation.

wwx bows his head and doesn't protest.

after an eternity, after a heartbeat, they arrive at the house.

"Alright," wwx announces when they stop in front of his door. "We're here."

"Yes," lwj agrees.

"Which means you safely saw me to my home," wwx says.

"Yes," lwj's reply is quieter.

neither of them speak or move.

wwx slowly turns so that he's facing lwj, with his back to the door. "Well," he tries.

lwj just blinks at him.

"Ah." wwx looks down at his fingers. "Um. Thank you, Lan Zhan, for bringing me home. And. I'm sorry about the argument we had earlier."

there is a terrifying moment when wwx thinks that lwj is going to either not reply or confirm that wwx is, indeed, a terrible person.

"There is no need for thank-you's and I'm-sorry's between us," lwj says. "I… am glad we spoke."

"Even though I was rude?" wwx mutters.

"You were not rude," lwj says.

"No, no, I was." groaning, wwx covers his face with his hands. "You've been taking all this in stride, and I just—and I manhandled your forehead ribbon, too. Ugh, I'm sorry. I know you said not to, but—I'm sorry."

of all the things wwx expected lwj to do, he did not expect lwj to gently, gently take wwx's hands in his and pull them away from his face.

he is very close. he must have stepped closer while wwx was apologizing. they are almost chest-to-chest, heads bowed towards one another.

lwj doesn't say a word. he just holds their combined clasped hands to his chest, over his heart.

dimly, wwx recalls their previous night. it had felt so bizarre, yet so wonderful, to sleep close to lwj. how comforting it had been to hear his heartbeat and know that he's near.

wwx inhales in surprise and almost flinches away when lwj presses his forehead lightly against wwx's. the contact makes wwx's breath hitch and heart race. unconsciously, he grips their intertwined fingers tighter.

lwj responds with a short, reassuring squeeze of his hand.

wwx swallows carefully. "Lan Zhan?" he whispers into the fragile, precious space in between them. "If we… like this… your ribbon…"

said forehead ribbon is currently pressed in between them, smooth and warm against wwx's forehead.

"Yes," lwj whispers back.

wwx thinks back on lwj's words. 'A Lan's forehead ribbon can only be touched by their fated one,' he had said.

fated one.

fated one.

how nice it would be to be someone's fated one. to be destined to belong.

wwx closes his eyes, and for the first time in five years, he wants.

"Wei Ying," lwj murmurs, "ask me to stay."

stay. how wonderful that would be, to wake up to lwj every morning and go with him out to the fields to work. then after the sun sets, they could go to the inn to have supper with the other townspeople.

it would be like a dream.

wwx grasps lwj's hands tightly, trying desperately to commit every line in his palms and every callus on his guqin-playing fingers to memory.

a dream, indeed.

this time, there is no use hiding the quaver in his voice. "I wish Hanguang-Jun a safe and swift journey back to Gusu."

at first, it seems like lwj is going to refuse—like he will insist on staying and carving a place for himself in wwx's home and heart.

"May I visit you?" lwj pleads.

wwx shakes his head. visits would be worse. he might spend all his hours staring at the sky, waiting for lwj.

lwj says nothing more; he just squeezes wwx's hands tighter. his throat moves as he swallows.

wwx doesn't know how much longer he can hold on like this. he wants so badly for this to last forever—yet he fears his resolve might shatter completely if lwj doesn't leave.

then, lwj sighs.

it is the most quiet, heartbreakingly resigned sound wwx has ever heard. it makes his chest ache.

"Take care, Wei Ying." lwj reaches up with one hand to gently cradle wwx's face. "May you be happy and well, always."

then he pulls away and steps back.

wwx almost steps after him, but his feet feel rooted to the spot. "Be happy and well," he replies hoarsely. the words echo in his memories, from five years ago:

'my existence, my life, for their happiness and wellbeing,' he'd begged, with a dying jyl in his arms.

once on his sword, lwj flies up, then looks back at wwx.

wwx wants to hide, to avoid lwj's gaze—anything, everything, to stop lwj from seeing past his eyes and into his soul.

but he stays where he is, and forces himself to hold lwj's gaze. he won't get to anymore, after this.

even after lwj nods one final time and flies east, in the direction of Gusu, wwx watches him go. 'look at me,' he thinks desperately, pathetically. 'please, just look at me. one more time.'

lwj doesn't look back.

but wwx refuses to look away, even long after he is out of sight.

it is far too quiet, almost tomb-like, inside of wwx's house. a small layer of dust had settled over everything while he was gone.

wwx moves through habit alone. go outside. check on his farm. grab some firewood. go inside, light the fireplace. grab a broom. sweep the floors.

grab his pillows and bedding. shake them out outside and bring them back in. check on his pantry. toss the spoiled food into a compost pile. take some rice, water, and dried meat for a simple porridge for supper.

after eating and washing up, he gets ready for bed.

his day clothes have many things in their pockets: his now-empty money pouch (luckily he still has some savings in the house), some scraps of paper, the red handkerchief, and the sketch portraits lwj had returned to him.

wwx gathers the portraits and goes to sit by the fire.

they aren't his best sketches, he has to admit. by no means can they be considered works of art, but they had done their job in accompanying wwx during the lonelier days of his new life.

but there is only so much they can recapture.

wwx cannot hear his shijie's laugh through the lines of an ink-brush, nor can he feel the almost-painful punch his shidi used to give him when he's trying to disguise how worried he was about wwx.

and lwj. beautiful, noble lwj, who had held wwx's hands and wished him happiness.

wwx traces his thumb around the lines that make up lwj's face on the sketch.

after nearly two weeks of seeing the real person, the sketch now seems off in ways that are hard to describe. now it is too cold, not handsome enough, not warm enough, not soft enough.

it is an old sketch, and so are the others. they are what's left of wwx's old life, of a world he no longer has any claim over.

one by one, he says his goodbyes to each sketch and feeds them into the fire.

the sketch of lwj is the last to go. wwx stares at it as lwj's words echo in his mind: 'I think I loved you', 'I think I loved you'.

now, alone in his house, wwx finally thinks: 'I think I loved you, too'.

he briefly hugs the portrait to his chest before giving it to the fire.

the red handkerchief nearly goes into the fire too, but wwx stops himself at the last moment. it is one thing to burn portraits of people who no longer exist, but it is another to burn quality silk that he'd received as a gift through the kindness of one memorable clothier.

so wwx keeps the handkerchief. it is far too delicate and rich to be used daily, so he only handles it at night, when his hands are clean and free from the dirt of his day's work. every time he sees it, he thinks of how lwj draped it across his face, like a very small veil.

he has plenty of tasks to keep himself busy during the daytime. winter is rapidly approaching, and wwx needs to stock up for it. he harvests his crops, forages for mushrooms in the now-quiet forest, and fishes in the creek. he trades his surplus for warm robes and food goods.

with luck, the only times he thinks about lwj are in his dreams.

in them, sometimes, he's fifteen again, and being chased across the cloud recesses' rooftops for sneaking in wine.

sometimes, he's seventeen and in the tortoise of slaughter's cave, soothed to sleep with a song.

the worst ones are when he's his current age and dressed in wedding red, with a veil over his face.

he can't see his groom, but he can feel his groom's hand—and there is no mistaking those long fingers or the calluses on the palm and fingertips for anyone else's.

the townspeople are a good source of support. they are nosy and curious, but know not to poke at bruises. on evenings when wwx can't stand the silence of his own home, he goes to the inn, where the innkeeper's wife welcomes him with open arms and a fresh plate of food.

at least the inn is lively. the local miners and farmers like to gather there to laugh, drink and eat together. sometimes, travelers and merchants stop by and wwx can pass a few hours chatting with them about the places they've gone and the people they've met.

days, then weeks, then an entire month passes. the air chills to the point where frost forms on the branches and wwx can see his own breath. it won't be long until the snow comes.

wwx wonders if gusu is already covered in snow.

as the weather turns colder, wwx spends more of his time at the inn. it's warmer there, with more people and fires. the innkeeper's wife makes a very good fruit tea that wwx has grown fond of.

they get more travelers nowadays—people trying to make it home before the new years.

as such, wwx doesn't pay much mind when a two more travelers enter the inn.

he's in the middle of teaching the innkeeper's daughter how to draw deer when he hears the innkeeper's wife laugh and say, "Wei-gongzi? Haha, what a coincidence! We have a Wei-gongzi here too!"

wwx looks up, more curious than anything upon hearing his name.

the inkeeper's wife waves enthusiastically at him from behind the counter. "There he is! Hello A-Xian!"

wwx starts to raise his hand to wave back when the two travelers both turn around to look at him.

for a second, wwx thinks he's looking into two mirrors. there's no other explanation for why these two people look so similar to him.

then the other details come into focus. the man is dressed in blacks and purples, with a single jiang braid in his hair and eyes like wwx's.

the woman is dressed in white, with black details on the edges of her robes. her veiled hat is pushed back so that it hangs off of her neck. a red ribbon ties her hair back. she cocks her head at wwx and smiles with cheeks and lips much like his own.

"Have we met?" she asks.

wwx doesn't answer. he can't answer. his mouth is open, but no sound is coming out.

luckily, the innkeeper's wife is already talking. "This is Cangse Sanren—a former disciple of Baoshan Sanren!" she squeals, then glances at the man. "Oh, and this is her husband, Wei Changze."

wwx knew that. of course he knew that. they are his parents.

he must be dreaming. he must, he must be dreaming.

but here they are, clearer than any memory wwx had of them. older, too—cultivation has slowed their aging, but he can see faint laugh lines on his mother's face.

"And this is Wei Wuxian!" the innkeeper's wife, bless her, is still speaking. "He's the jack of all trades in this town. He just returned from Gusu last month, coincidentally."

"Oh!" cssr gives a small, amused laugh. "We're on our way to Gusu! Which area of Gusu did you visit?"

somehow, miraculously, wwx finds his voice. "Caiyi Town," he croaks.

"Oh, yes!" cssr giggles. "Beautiful little town, with very good wine. Did you happen to see any Lan cultivators? That town is very close to the Cloud Recesses."

"He returned on a Lan cultivator's sword, actually," the innkeeper's wife snickers.

the scandalized gasp cssr lets out turns the heads of at least four other people. wwx's face starts to burn. "A Lan? Personally escorting you home? No! Who was it? Wait—let me guess."

as she's deep in thought, wcz speaks. "Beloved, you know three Lan members in total."

"Nonsense," she scoffs, then counts on her fingers. "I know A-Ren, A-Huan, A-Zhan…" she trails off, frowning at her three fingers.

"Three," wcz confirms.

"Smartass." cssr wrinkles her nose.

wwx's heart gives a sharp, sickening jolt at the final name mentioned. suddenly, more than anything else, he wishes lwj were here, so that he has someone to lean on when he inevitably passes out from shock.

it takes every muscle in his body not to flinch when wcz looks at him.

while cssr grumbles beside him about how very mean he is to her, wcz's full attention is now on wwx. "You look familiar," he says. "Have we met before?"

suddenly, cssr is also looking at wwx. "Hm, maybe a younger brother of yours, Changze? Or—" she gasps, "—a secret child?"

"I don't have any children, and neither do you," wcz says with the tested patience of someone who has endured his wife's jokes a thousand times before. "Although, I did have siblings. Wei-gongzi, if you don't mind me asking, what are the names of your parents?"

wwx looks back and forth between wcz and cssr. he still can't believe this is real. of all the jokes the universe has played, this one is by far the cruelest: his parents—alive and well—solely because they never had him.

"I have to go," he mumbles, quickly standing up.

the curiosity on both wcz's and cssr's faces quickly morph into shock and confusion. "Oh," wcz backs up quickly. "I-I apologize. I did not mean to—"

cssr is also speaking quickly. "Little Wei-xiong, we never intended—"

"Excuse me." wwx hurriedly squeezes past them.

"Wei Wuxian!" the innkeeper's wife calls after him. "Where are you going? Please, whatever it is—"

"I'll pay my bill later," wwx yells before barreling out the door.

the outside air is cold enough to knock the breath out of him. wwx is grateful for it; no breath, no crying.

he gasps and hisses in the freezing night air, automatically hugging himself; he'd left his coat inside the inn, but he doesn't care. right now, he needs this—he needs the biting cold, the way it makes his skin prickle and sting, the way it makes him focus on nothing else.

he's not dumb enough to go wandering at night without proper layers, but he would rather die than go back inside and see pieces of himself in his parents' faces, so he just paces back and forth outside, shivering.

for a blissful stretch of time, it works; he feels nothing else.

then the inn door opens and closes. he thinks nothing of it, until he sees the innkeeper's wife running towards him with his cloak held out in her hands.

"A-Ying!" she calls. "A-Ying! Come back here this instant! By gods, do you want to catch your death of cold out here?"

wwx briefly considers running away from her. it would be very funny, he thinks, but also very rude, considering that she has left her customers unattended to go after him.

she's already panting a little when she reaches him, but she fastens the cloak around him.

"I already spoke to the two guests," she says as she adjusts the cloak on him. "They apologize for upsetting you, and—I'm sorry for telling them so much on your behalf."

wwx shakes his head. "It's not your fault. Truly. I just—needed some air."

the innkeeper's wife makes an understanding noise. "Would you like me to kick them out?"

"What? No!" wwx gives her an incredulous look. "They didn't even do anything wrong!"

"As long as you're alright with it," she sighs. "Would you like to come back inside?"

wwx immediately shakes his head. no. no, he doesn't want to go back inside. he doesn't want to see his parents. he almost wishes he never knew they'd lived.

"Oh, sweetheart," the innkeeper's wife sighs. "Alright then, get home quickly. It's cold out."

wwx doesn't need to be told twice. after bidding her goodnight, he walks back to his farmhouse. it is a little dark outside to be walking without a lantern, but he knows his way well enough.

he manages only fits of sleep. he'd gone right to bed, and his house is cold.

he spends most of his night wide awake and staring at the ceiling.

his parents are alive.

his parents are alive.

because he was never in their lives, they are now alive. because of his wish to erase his own existence, theirs continued.

he doesn't know what to do about this.

most likely, he is not supposed to do anything at all; it's not like he can go up to his parents and claim to be their son. and even if they believe him, they are not obligated to put their lives on hold to be a family with him.

that's just it, wwx supposes. this is how the world is. all the pieces that made up his life are no longer a part of him. try as he might, he can never claim them back.

his parents are complete strangers to him—and he, a stranger to them. there are no bonds between them.

when the sun starts to rise, wwx gives up on trying to fall asleep. he drags himself out of bed and starts dressing for the day.

after he ties his hair up, he suddenly realizes that his red handkerchief is gone. he frantically searches for it on his bed and in his robes.

he curses softly. he must have accidentally left it at the inn. he desperately prays that it is still there.

it's a bit early, but the innkeeper is an early riser, so it should be no problem for wwx to stop by before the guests are awake and see if his handkerchief is there.

as soon as he arrives at the inn, he realizes his mistake; just outside of the inn are his parents. wcz is speaking with the innkeeper as cssr holds an apple just out of her donkey's reach. she laughs when it brays out of frustration.

wwx starts to back away, but wcz spots him.

wcz hurriedly ends his conversation with the innkeeper and walks down the inn's entrance stairs. "Wei-gongzi, please wait," he calls.

wwx instantly stops. oh, that is so weird to hear from his father's mouth. "Oh. Uh." he swallows. "Good morning, um, Wei-xiansheng."

in the background cssr snickers something about her husband being old.

wcz ignores her. "I'd like to personally apologize for causing you distress yesterday evening," he says. "My wife and I were too pushy with our questions."

"Uh?" wwx blinks. "Oh. It's nothing, really."

"It is not nothing." there is genuine regret on wcz's face. "Please accept our apology."

wwx wants nothing more than to run away. "Apology accepted," he sputters. "It wasn't rude. I mean it. It just—I got caught off-guard," he says weakly.

wcz hums in understanding. "We all have topics we would rather not openly share. Oh, also," he digs around for something in his sleeve before pulling out a red handkerchief. "You left this on your chair last night."

wwx's eyes widen. "Oh! My handkerchief!"

wcz smiles as he hands the handkerchief over.

wwx holds it to his chest. "Thank you. I was looking for it."

"You need to be more careful with it," wcz says. "If something is that precious to you, then you need to hold onto it tightly and make sure you don't ever lose it."

wwx looks down at the handkerchief. he's so dizzy with relief that he does not know how to tell his father that this is the only precious thing he has.

"I never really knew my parents," is what he says instead.

wcz tilts his head. wwx panics; it's such a weird thing to say.

he's about to start apologizing when wcz replies, "Disease took my parents when I was only eight. I had to work as a servant in Lotus Pier to provide for my siblings."

"Not me," cssr cackles behind them. "I got picked up and taken to the top of a mountain."

"What I mean is," wcz moves to block his wife from view and gets a petulant 'hey' from her, "I understand how lonely it can get when you do not feel like you have a family. But you are doing very well. You've found yourself a home here, with people who care about you."

wwx supposes that is true. he hadn't intended to befriend the townspeople at first. it just... sort of happened naturally. he wouldn't call them family, but there is still a sense of community there.

"Why didn't the two of you ever have children?" he can't help asking.

something in wcz's gaze goes soft and sad. "It's not that Cangse Sanren and I don't want children," he says. "It's because… well, we're rogue cultivators with no living family members. If something were to happen to us on a night-hunt, our children would have no one."

"Ah." wwx forces himself to swallow past the lump in his throat. "I see. Yes, that would—complicate things."

"Indeed," wcz sounds wistful. "I would have liked to raise a little one of our own, but… ah, it's in the past now. It's important to focus on today's happiness."

"Are you?" wwx blurts out.

wcz blinks. "Am I…?"

"Happy?" wwx's handkerchief is a tiny, tight ball in his hands. "Are you and—and Cangse Sanren happy?"

wcz pauses to think, then he looks at his wife.

when he smiles, the small lines near his eyes crinkle. "I am very happy."

"Ah." wwx nods. this time, he fails to swallow the lump in his throat, and his next words come out watery. "That is—good. That is very good to hear."

wcz studies him with a gaze far more gentle than wwx deserves. "One day," he says, "you will be very happy too."

wwx doesn't know what to say about that, so he just smiles the best he can and wishes them a smooth journey to gusu.

cssr is fully capable of getting on the donkey herself, but she giggles when wcz picks her up and places her on the donkey's back.

"My Wei-gege is so strong," she croons, squeezing wcz's biceps appreciatively.

wcz takes the donkey's reins. "We'll be taking the same route back in a few months," he tells wwx. "If you're still here then, I look forward to meeting you again."

all wwx can do is nod and wave. "See you then," he says without his voice cracking.

"Goodbye, little Wei-xiong!" cssr calls, turning around to wave as wcz begins leading their donkey away.

wwx watches them until they turn a corner and disappear down the road.

there is only one other customer in the dining area when wwx enters the inn. as such, the innkeeper is behind the counter, updating his ledgers.

wwx walks over to him. his head hurts and his throat aches. "I want as many jars of wine as you're willing to sell to me," he orders.

(cw: alcoholism, excessive drinking)

wwx has only ever been truly drunk a handful of times before, usually as the result of childish dares and a personal desire to see how much alcohol he can handle before gaps start forming in his memories.

his tolerance is, unfortunately, quite high—but luckily the inn's wine is strong. it does not take as long as wwx fears for the alcohol to drown out all the many voices in his head.

it's good. quiet. he doesn't have to think beyond reaching for his next cup.

winter has set in, but wwx blissfully does not feel cold.

he feels good, actually. he has never been able to do this in the past; in the past, he always had people who relied on him, or people to whom he owed a great deal. he'd never had the luxury of simply... running away.

well, he technically still can't run away—it is winter, after all, and there is no other place he can run to. all the homes he'd had in the past are no longer his home—and never have been, with his wish. he has nowhere else to go. he's not wanted anywhere.

he's not wanted anywhere.

that's alright. nobody is obligated to want him.

what makes the whole thing shitty is that he *wants* to be wanted somewhere.

...

he needs another jug of wine.

the days pass by in a blur. if wwx isn't at the inn, then he's at home.

as nice and quiet as his home is, he prefers the inn. it has its warmth and human sounds, but he keeps getting shaken awake and he keeps hearing phrases like, "Please eat," or "You can't keep doing this."

but it's fine. it's fine. all of this is the best case scenario. he's free of debts, and his loved ones are happier in their lives without having ever known him. making that wish was the best decision he has ever made.

he tries to pour wine into his mouth and nearly misses.

(cw: suicidal ideation)

day and night start to lose their distinctions—not that they mattered too much, anyhow. wwx is content to remain like this, without sensation or thoughts—the way he should have been right after his wish.

if he's lucky, this will never end.

because he's not lucky, it ends.

at first, he dismisses the flashes of white and blue in his vision as part of a dream, or a hallucination. he has those a lot lately—just bits and pieces of emotions or memories that he no longer has any right to.

but this time, the whites and blues stay persistent in between wwx's blinks. they also keep moving. that's annoying.

there are voices, too—closer and louder than they usually are. that's also annoying.

"… long has he been here?"

"…-guang-Jun. We didn't know who else to…"

someone is shaking his shoulder. that happens a lot. wwx ignores it.

what he has a much more difficult time ignoring are the hands cupping his face. even through the haze of alcohol, he can feel how warm they are, how carefully they hold him.

"Wei Ying."

huh. that's his name.

"Wei Ying," the voice calls a little louder. one of the hands on his face gently pats his skin. "Wei Ying."

that's definitely his name, but nobody calls him that—and the one person who does is all the way in gusu.

just the thought of gusu makes wwx's head swim. he groans.

he feels completely boneless—so he doesn't resist at all when something soft and warm wraps around him. he gets to enjoy the new environment for a grand total of three second before he feels arms around his torso and under his knees, lifting him up.

the movement does not agree with him at all; wwx's stomach roils with nausea and he makes a soft noise of protest.

"I'll stop by later with some soup," he hears another voice say. "If you need anything else..."

"Then I will let you know," someone very close by says.

there's more movement. wwx does not like that. his stomach doesn't feel good. what even is—

a cold blast of air hits his face. he jolts out of his drunken reverie, gasping and blinking. his head hurts, and nothing is staying still.

"Wei Ying," he hears from somewhere above him.

"Oh, fuck," wwx mutters, blinking. pinpoints of cold prickle his face. he squints up. it's dark, but he thinks he sees... snow?

the arms under him adjust his position so that his face is pressed against a shoulder. "Don't move."

wwx doesn't have the strength to move, even if he wanted to. the swaying, walking motion is terrible, though.

"I'm'onna throw up," he manages to say, just in time for him to be set down next to some bushes, away from the main path.

after emptying his entire stomach and maybe some of his intestines into the unlucky bushes, he tries to go and lean against a nearby tree.

"Wait." someone takes his wrist and stops him. a white handkerchief dabs at his mouth.

"Ugh." wwx tries to push the handkerchief away, to no avail.

"Do you feel better?" the same voice asks.

wwx's gaze follows the hand holding the handkerchief to the arm, then the shoulder, then the neck, and finally the face.

he blinks.

lwj stands there, looking back at him.

"Oh," wwx says. then: "I'm dreaming."

concern flickers across lwj's face. ah, he's so good. he's always good. that's why wwx likes him so much, misses him so much.

"You're not dreaming, Wei Ying," he says. "I'm here to take you home."

wwx's heart flutters. "To Gusu?"

lwj doesn't answer immediately, and wwx starts to think that maybe he just didn't hear him, when lwj finally says, "We're almost at your house. You need to wash and rest."

wwx frowns. wash? rest? neither of those sound like they involve a cup of wine in hand. "No."

"Yes," lwj says, then suddenly the world is swaying around wwx again.

"Put me down!" wwx demands, kicking at empty air. "I don't want to be alone!"

"You won't be alone," lwj says. "I will stay with you."

"You can't," wwx whines. "You're not mine."

"I know," lwj says quietly. "I know you miss the Lan Wangji from your world, but I cannot in good conscience leave you like this."

wwx wants to articulate that that was not the 'mine' he'd meant, but words are very difficult at the moment.

he's still thinking when they arrive.

the door opens without a key—because wwx rarely bothers to lock it nowadays. lwj carefully steps inside, making sure not to hit wwx's head on the doorframe.

he sets wwx down on the bed, tucks the blankets around him, and goes to light the fireplace.

wwx either falls asleep or blacks out for a bit, because the next thing he knows, lwj is coaxing him to rinse out his mouth with some fresh water.

once his mouth no longer tastes like death, wwx slumps back onto the bed. he can hear lwj rummaging around in the kitchen.

when lwj returns, he has some dried fish strips and pickled vegetables in a bowl. "Wei Ying," he says. "Eat."

wwx grumbles. he doesn't want to eat. he wants to sleep, and not dream.

"Wei Ying," lwj repeats in a firmer voice. "You need something in your stomach that isn't wine."

eventually, lwj's persistence wins out. wwx unhappily eats the food lwj gives him. his fingers are still too clumsy to properly hold a spoon or chopsticks, so lwj feeds him bit by bit.

wwx hates that it reminds him of how jyl tended to him when he was sick.

after eating, lwj retrieves a small tub of warm water with a washcloth in it. carefully, he wrings out the washcloth and begins wiping down wwx's face, neck, and hands.

the water feels very nice, and so does lwj's hands. wwx's heavy eyelids close as he leans into the touch.

after he is done washing, lwj takes the tub of water away.

"How do you feel?" he asks wwx when he comes back.

still drunk, if wwx has to be honest, but not as drunk as he would like to be. his mind is already drifting back to memories he doesn't feel like revisiting.

"Can I have some wine?" he asks lwj.

a scowl forms on lwj's face. "No."

"Why?" wwx whines. "I need to."

"What you need right now is sleep." lwj sits on the edge of the bed and slowly, but surely, pulls wwx into a upright sitting position.

all the noise in wwx's head suddenly goes blissfully quiet when he feels lwj's fingers peel his outer robe layer off. he's a little colder without it, but his skin somehow still feels warm.

then he feels lwj removing his waistband and belt. his breath shudders.

this is—this is also good. he can't have wine anymore, but lwj could—he could still help drown out wwx's thoughts. and it would be good. it may even feel good.

once lwj has removed all but wwx's innermost robe layer, wwx reaches up and hooks a finger on the collar of lwj's robe.

lwj freezes in the middle of folding wwx's robes. only his eyes move, shifting his gaze to wwx. "Wei Ying."

"Lan Zhan," wwx murmurs, tugging until lwj lets go of the robes and moves closer. wwx's other hand fumbles to loosen his last robe layer, sliding it off his shoulders.

lwj immediately glances at the exposed skin before he meets wwx's eyes again. "Wei Ying, what are y—" a small, shocked noise escapes him when wwx kisses the corner of his mouth.

"Touch me," wwx pleads, taking lwj's hand and placing it on his bare chest. "Please."

lwj immediately tries to draw his hand back. "Wei Ying," he inhales sharply. "I—can't. Not when you're like this."

"Why not?" wwx cries out, burying his face in lwj's warm neck. "I really, really want you. Please say you want me, too."

he tries to kiss lwj's neck. it had felt very nice when lwj did it to him. wwx want it to feel nice for him, too.

lwj flinches away with so much force that wwx nearly falls forward. "Wei Ying, don't." He tugs wwx's hand off of his collar. "I don't—this is not how this is done."

a low, pained sob slips out from wwx's throat. "You don't want me."

"No, that is not—"

"You don't want me," wwx repeats, a little louder. "Get out of my house."

lwj's shoulders sink. "Wei Ying, I'm not leaving."

"Why not?" something feels hot on wwx's face. "Go on, get lost!"

"I'm not leaving," lwj repeats; his voice sounds different. he takes wwx's hands in his. "Wei Ying—"

wwx yanks his hands free and shoves at lwj with all his might. lwj shifts a foot on the floor to keep from falling off the bed.

"Get LOST!" wwx yells. "Leave me alone!"

"No." lwj's throat bobs as he swallows. "Wei Ying, I'm not leaving. Not while you're like this."

it's precisely because wwx is still like this that he must leave, wwx thinks in a panic. he has rarely been this drunk before, and it is making everything so much more difficult.

"I hate you," wwx hisses through gritted teeth. "I hate you so much. How can you do this to me? Do you hate me so much that you'll go against anything I say?"

lwj takes far too long to respond. "Once you are sober, I will leave, if that is your wish."

"It is my wish *now*," wwx snarls. "Get out of my house."

"No."

"Get OUT." wwx shoves at him again. "Get lost! Leave!"

lwj doesn't move, but he also does nothing to stop wwx. "Wei Ying, I will not."

wwx claps his hands over his own ears. "Stop calling me Wei Ying!"

lwj hesitates. "Might I ask why?"

"I should ask you why!" wwx snaps. "Why do you call me Wei Ying? Why are you here? You don't even remember me, so why do you care?! How dare you. How dare you treat me like this, after—" he chokes, tears in his eyes, "—everything I did."

lwj looks at him. his eyes are just as warm as wwx remembers them being on the night after lwj had a cup of wine. now, there's also a heavy, solemn sadness in them. but the warmth is still there, and still solely for wwx.

without warning, wwx bursts into tears.

it's the worst type of tears—the kind that emerges from somewhere deep and viciously vulnerable inside of him. it barely lets him breathe, only allowing him to gulp down air in between childish sobs.

his entire body shakes. he can't see. he can only cry, and cry, and cry.

he doesn't know when he reaches for lwj, but the moment he raises a hand—fingers outstretched—in lwj's direction, there are arms around him and a shoulder against his face.

"Wei Ying," lwj says against his ear, "I am here."

wwx's reply is just to cry harder and hold onto him.

he cries for so long. lwj's entire shoulder is soaked through. wwx's legs have gone numb, and he thinks he's also starting to lose sensation in his waist. none of it matters.

wwx cries for his parents, who do not know him—for jyl, who will never call him 'a-xian'—

—for jc, who has his own core and does not know wwx's shadow—for jzx, who gets to marry his love and live to see his family grow—for jfm and yzy, who did not have an outsider tearing their marriage apart—for the wen remnants, for a-yuan, who will never know him as 'xian-gege'.

and for lwj, who had loved him, and whom wwx had loved back, but never had the chance for those feelings to lead anywhere.

"I don't regret it," wwx chokes out when he has the breath. "I don't r-regret it."

lwj softly hums in acknowledgement and hugs him tighter.

"Everyone is alive," wwx gasps, then coughs when he accidentally inhales tears. "Everyone lived, and they're happy. My parents. Shijie. Jin Zixuan. Everyone. It was worth it. It was worth it. I don't regret it."

lwj hums again.

wwx swallows. "So why do I feel so fucking awful?"

lwj pulls back, just enough to look wwx in the eyes. "Because they were a part of you," he answers. "And now, they are not. Wei Ying, it is alright to mourn the loss of yourself."

that sets off another bout of tears. wwx bawls without restraint, burying himself against lwj.

the loss of himself. yes, that is what all of this has been so far: a living death. wwx, erased of name, significance, and even meaning, has been made to live in a world where he is dead, and there is not a song or a talisman or a spiritual array that can grant him his rest.

yet here he is—still alive and breathing despite the blurred line between life and death. he is still here, because he wants to be alive, to be loved and remembered and mourned when the time comes. he wants to mean something, despite his wish to become meaningless.

he doesn't know how or why—maybe it is the desire to not be forgotten for once, the primal fear of once again holding onto everything he is, by himself—but he says to lwj, "I want to tell you everything."

lwj gives him a gentle squeeze. "And I will listen to everything."

so, wwx tells him.

he starts from as early as he can remember, with his memories of his parents and being left alone at an inn until he realized they were not coming back for him.

lwj listens attentively, nodding and giving short comments along the way.

lwj, wwx learns, is far more expressive than he lets on.

his eyes fill with sadness when wwx describes what it was like living on the streets of Yiling as an orphan, then his gaze morphs to curiosity, then restrained anger, when wwx speaks about growing up in lotus pier.

his ears turn a delightful red when wwx tells them about his antics at the cloud recesses and how he used to tease lwj so much.

"You were so uptight and righteous, Lan Zhan! I couldn't resist," wwx laughs as he wipes his own face with his sleeve. "Ah, you were furious with me."

they're dancing around lwj's previous confession—that his past self may have been in love with wwx—and they both know it. for wwx, just being able to talk about his life is a gift. a very, very fragile gift. if he stops talking, he might not be able to start on it again.

then the topic of the wens starts coming up. lwj frowns as he listens to how the wens grew more audacious, from the way they drove a waterborne abyss into lan territory to wen chao's behavior at the discussion conference tournament.

wwx leaves out how he'd pulled lwj's ribbon.

lwj listens with unwavering attention as wwx tells him about the indoctrination camp, them turning in their swords to the wens, night-hunting until they found the tortoise of slaughter, and the days they'd spent in the cave, waiting for rescue.

he grows still when wwx speaks of how lotus pier was targeted and massacred because wwx had resisted the wens. when wwx's voice starts to crack on the topic of jfm's and yzy's deaths, lwj takes his hands and holds them tightly.

then, wwx reaches the subject of the golden core transfer.

he almost wants to avoid it, but there's little use; the jc in this world has his own golden core, and wq will have no memory of performing such an operation. there's no use in hiding it.

he tells lwj the truth.

lwj's eyes widen, but that is as much as he lets slip out as he listens. the only other clue wwx gets about his emotions is how he fumbles to turn wwx's hand over and press his fingers to the pulse point.

spiritual energy floods wwx's meridians, but it quickly dissipates.

"What were the chances of survival?" lwj asks quietly.

wwx squirms. "Aw, Lan Zhan, does it matter? I'm alive now, so it doesn't really—"

"Wei Ying," lwj interrupts him. "What were the chances?"

wwx chews his bottom lip for a long time before whispering, "Half."

"... Half," lwj whispers back. he takes a deep, shuddering breath. "Half." he lets go of wwx's hands and turns away.

wwx begins to panic a little. "Lan Zhan?"

"Yes. I am still here. Pardon me." lwj does something that looks suspiciously like wiping his eyes.

when lwj turns back around with nothing more than red-rimmed eyes, he startles upon seeing wwx with tears on his face. "Wei Ying?"

wwx is still very raw and soft from crying so much. he sniffles. "I'm crying because you're crying!" he accuses. "You started this!"

that softens the edges around lwj's eyes and gets an amused huff from him, which is all wwx needs to start sobbing hysterically—half because he made lwj upset, and half because he made lwj laugh.

once his tears have dried enough, wwx continues with the retelling.

the next part is difficult, because it's a topic that he and the past lwj had not gotten along on: his demonic cultivation.

he glosses over his time in the burial mounds and just smiles and shakes his head when lwj tries to coax more details out of him.

lwj is quiet, but his expression is pensive as wwx describes how he managed to control the resentful energy within the burial mounds and wield it against the wens. wwx also admits to clashing with lwj over his new cultivation path.

"I think you were just worried," wwx says.

"That would be the most reasonable assumption," lwj replies.

"But I couldn't tell you why I was doing it," wwx hangs his head, "or why I never carried my sword again."

"Then you would have had to reveal your sacrifice," lwj says quietly. "I understand."

by far, the most difficult part of the retelling is near the end, with the many deaths that happened, one after another.

wwx had been avoiding thinking about them—much less talking about them—and he can't help seeking comfort from lwj as he talks.

lwj, to his credit, doesn't say anything about wwx's newfound clinginess and hugs wwx good and tight as wwx blubbers through the events of qiongqi path and how jzx had died with the words, 'A-Li is waiting for you,' on his lips.

he weeps through the despair he'd felt afterwards—for making himself and the wen remnants the target of the cultivation world's wrath, for robbing jyl and her child of their husband and father, for wq's and wn's sacrifices as a result, for being the cause of jyl's death.

"Then I made my wish," he croaks against lwj's shoulder. he has been crying and talking for so long that his voice is all but gone. "I offered my existence, my life, for the happiness and wellbeing of those I cared for. And the next thing I knew, I was—here." he tries to smile.

lwj doesn't smile. instead, he rubs and pats wwx's back, much like how one would soothe a baby. wwx wants to make a xianxian-is-three joke, but he doesn't have the energy to, so he just melts into the embrace without shame.

"You have suffered so much," lwj murmurs.

wwx reflexively starts to deny it, but he stops. over the course of his long retelling, he discovered that lwj reacts negatively to him trying to minimize how badly something affected him. wwx is far too comfortable to ruin that now.

"It did suck," he admits. "A fair bit."

lwj huffs a laugh again. "How do you feel?"

wwx thinks about it. honestly, he feels like shit. he hasn't washed his hair in days, his robes are messed up, he'd cried so much that everything feels wet, and he has a massive headache from drinking and crying all night.

his eyes hurt, his eyelids are swollen, his throat aches, and his voice is a raw mess. on top of all that, it is now morning—which means he stayed up all night crying, and now he's sleep-deprived.

but he can't recall a time when his soul has ever felt so light and free.

wwx hugs lwj's neck; it's wet and gross from all the hours wwx spent crying against him, but wwx couldn't care less at the moment. "I feel great," he admits. then after some thought, he adds. "I have a headache, though."

yet another half-laugh from lwj. "I will get you water."

lwj starts to pull away, but wwx keeps his arms locked around lwj's neck.

"Wait—" wwx pulls him back. "Will you stay?" he begs. "Please?"

under his arms, he feels lwj tense up, then relax, then tense again. "Wei Ying, I cannot get you water and stay here at the same time."

"What?" wwx can't help a disbelieving laugh. "No, no, I meant here, like here as in, um, with—me?"

he squeaks a little at the end. he knows it's his own fault that lwj's face is so close—he still can't get himself to let go of lwj just yet—but he suddenly feels embarrassed.

lwj's expression softens—gods, wwx likes it so much when he does that—and he studies wwx for a moment before giving the tiniest nod. "Yes," he breathes, "for as long as you'll let me."

then, before wwx can think or respond, lwj leans in and kisses him.

it was—as far as kisses go—not bad.

at least that's what wwx thinks. the kiss was short, sweet, and full of affection—just a simple press of lips against lips. he was just caught off-guard a little, so he'd kept his eyes wide open the entire time. that's awkward.

lwj also looks surprised; which is hilarious—considering that *he* did the kissing—and speaks a lot about the effects of sleep-deprivation.

"Pardon me," he mumbles, then: "I'll go fetch you some water."

wwx just laughs weakly in agreement as lwj gets up and exits the room.

wwx, sitting on his bed: oh my god 😳

lwj, getting water from the well outside: oh my god 😨

the innkeeper's wife, who just wanted to deliver some nourishing soup for wwx and happened to look through the window at the right time: AAAAA OHHHH MY GODDDDDD!!! 😱😱😱

wwx gets to enjoy a blissful few seconds of lying on his bed when he hears knocking on the front door.

he knows lwj is in the backyard with the well, so he drags himself out of bed, throws on another robe layer, and tries to comb out his hair with his fingers before giving up.

he opens the door. "Oh! A-yi, what are you doing here?"

"Ah!" the innkeeper's wife gives a little start, then steadies the basket in her hands. "Oh! A-Ying! Oh, don't mind me, I just wanted to give you some of my onion soup. It will help with the headache you surely must have."

wwx blinks. "Oh. That is very kind of you, a-yi." he takes the basket from her. it's quite heavy for such a small woman to carry for so long. "Would you, uh, would you like to come inside for some tea?"

the innkeeper's wife blushes and giggles. "Oh, no, no. That's alright."

"Are you sure?" wwx sets the basket down on a nearby table. "You walked for a long time, and the sun is now out."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly intrude," she giggles again, holding her flushed face in her hands. she peeks coyly into the house. "Is, ah, is Hanguang-Jun still here?"

before wwx can answer, he hears the backyard door opening and lwj say, "I'm here."

"Ah." wwx tries not to fidget as lwj walks up behind him. "Here he is, a-yi."

"Oh, good!" she snickers. "I'm glad to know you're being taken care of."

wwx feels his face heat at that. "Y-Yes."

"Would Sui-furen like anything to drink?" lwj asks.

"No, I'm quite alright! I'm quite alright. I need to get going anyhow." she grins. "I brought enough soup for both of you, so be sure to drink up."

"Of course." wwx laughs nervously. "Don't worry about us."

the innkeeper's wife smiles. "Oh, I won't. Be good now, both of you!"

she bids them goodbye before waddling back up the path as fast as her legs and skirt will allow her.

both lwj and wwx watch her go. "Why do I feel scared all of a sudden?" wwx mutters.

lwj inspects the contents of the basket; inside is a pot of onion soup and some fried scallion pancakes. "Would you like to eat or bathe first?"

wwx thinks. he is pretty hungry, but he is also quite grimy and still smells of alcohol. "Bath," he answers.

lwj nods. "I will fill the bathtub." he pauses to hand wwx a cup of water. "Drink. Wait here."

after drinking, wwx sits awkwardly on a chair next to the innkeeper's wife's basket. he should do something. he can't just make lwj do all the work.

he goes to change his bedsheets.

he finds lwj in the living room, placing heating talismans around the filled bathtub. wwx takes a brief moment to feel envious of the cultivation world's fire-less heating methods when it suddenly hits him:

he lives alone.

so he doesn't have a privacy screen.

his mind goes utterly blank. he has no idea what he is supposed to do. he can't lock lwj in his room or outside his house just so he can have some privacy bathing; that would be too rude.

but surely undressing in front of lwj is also rude? and inconsiderate?

after the water in the bathtub has begun to steam, lwj straightens up. he briefly meets wwx's gaze before he spots the bedsheets in wwx's arms.

"Give them here," he says, stepping closer while reaching with his arms out. "I will wash them while you bathe."

wwx should say that it's alright and that it would be a little too suggestively intimate for lwj to wash *his* bedsheets, but he's so grateful that he has an excuse to bathe alone that he just awkwardly laughs as lwj takes the bedding out of his arms.

"Alright, erhm, uh, I'll wash myself while you wash the bedding, then?" wwx sputters.

lwj nods. "Mn. I'll knock when I need to come in," he says, then he's out the back door with the laundry.

wwx stands there in mute shock for a good minute before scrambling to get in the tub.

the hot water feels amazing, and wwx would gladly soak in it for hours if he didn't have lwj right outside in his backyard.

wwx scrubs himself as quickly and thoroughly as he can manage. by the time he moves on to his hair, his skin is red and raw—but thankfully clean.

he nearly falls in his rush to get out of the bathtub, but he survives. he needs to drain the bathwater, so he dries himself off, puts on two layers of robes, and grabs an outer coat before heading outside.

as soon as he sees lwj, he freezes in his tracks. "… Lan Zhan?"

lwj is sitting on a stool in front of a small basin of water and detergent. there's a small fire lit nearby for warmth. he looks up at wwx with wet, soapy, ripped bedsheets in his hands.

"… I am unaccustomed to washing laundry," he says.

wwx can't help it; he starts laughing.

"Oh, Lan Zhan," he wheezes as he leans against the doorframe, trying to catch his breath. "I can't believe—" he takes one look at the ripped bedsheets again and dissolves into another peal of laughter.

lwj sits there, looking unsure.

"I will replace them," lwj says. "Are there any textile vendors in town?"

wwx sighs, still giggling. "There is a small group of weavers," he says. "It's cheaper for me to buy from them and sew it myself."

"I see." lwj looks at the bedsheets. "What… do I do with these?"

wwx just barely stops himself from laughing again; poor lwj looks so lost that wwx doesn't think he would appreciate being laughed at again.

"Just rinse them clean and tear them into strips," wwx snickers. "They'll be useful as washrags or for sewing practice."

now that he has new instructions, lwj looks a little bit more confident. "I can do that. Where are the weavers located?"

"No, no, don't worry about that." wwx briefly hides his smile behind his hand. "I'll go get new bedsheets. You can use the bathtub while I'm out."

"Wait," lwj says. "I said I would replace them. Take my money pouch with you."

wwx considers that. he doesn't want lwj to be spending money, but it is true that lwj ripped the bedsheets—and wwx hadn't budgeted for new bedsheets this year.

"Alright," wwx agrees. "Where is it?"

lwj nods and lifts his hands from the soapy water. "It's in…"

he trails off. it almost *pains* wwx to restrain his laughter as he watches realization slowly dawn on lwj's face: his money pouch is in his robes, but his hands are dirty and soapy, so he can't reach into his robes.

but if he doesn't reach into his robes, then wwx doesn't get the money pouch and will have to spend his own money.

"This is why," wwx gasps in between tears of laughter, "you keep some clean water nearby while you're doing laundry."

lwj frowns at his soapy hands. "I see."

wwx takes a deep, fortifying breath. "Alright, alright." he walks over to lwj. "Is it easy to reach? Maybe I can get it myself."

the tips of lwj's ears are delightfully pink. "It is three robe layers in, on my belt, near the lower right side of my waist."

there is no way wwx is going to get three entire robe layers off of lwj, so he just takes the necklines of lwj's robes and starts tugging them apart.

the pink on lwj's ears spreads to his cheeks. he makes an interesting stifled sound when wwx reaches down into his robes.

it takes no time at all for wwx to locate the money pouch; lwj's description is very precise. the tricky part is getting it loose from where it is attached to lwj's belt. but after some fumbling, wwx retrieves it and nearly hits lwj on the chin as he withdraws his hand.

"I'll drain the tub before I head out," wwx says. the money pouch is quite heavy for such a small thing. "I'll try not to spend all your money on silks," he jokes.

"You may also get silk covers for the pillows and blankets, if you desire," lwj answers sincerely.

wwx's smile drops. "Lan Zhan, no. That would be so expensive!"

"Wei Ying has not been sleeping well," lwj says, resuming his scrubbing of the bedsheets. "Proper sleep is the foundation for good health." there's the sound of fabric tearing. "Ah. Oh, no."

the washbasin is probably going to be filled with fabric scraps by the time wwx returns, but he couldn't care less at the moment.

he's torn between an overwhelming fondness for lwj and the sheer disbelief that any of this is happening to him. it feels like a dream.

wwx clutches the money pouch tightly, feeling the ingots inside dig against his hands. he badly wants to kiss lwj.

because he's a coward, he instead asks, strained, "Would you like me to get anything else while I'm out?"

"No," lwj answers. "Come home safe and soon."

'home'. wwx thinks he might pass out. it's ridiculous how weak he feels at the way lwj says that single word. if he hadn't cried all night long, he might cry now.

"Alright," wwx chokes. "I'll see you soon."

after going back inside the house and draining the tub, he sets off.

he feels strange. his body is exhausted after a stress-filled night with no sleep, but he feels electrified from within. so much has happened over the past day, but he feels—happy.

he's happy, wwx realizes with a start. for the first time in this world, he's really, truly happy.

he's far too tired to skip over to the house of weavers, but he greets the proprietor cheerfully.

"Hello, Wei-gongzi," the proprietor says. "What can I get for you today? Are you in need of blankets?"

"Close," wwx says. "I need new bedsheets."

the house of weavers is not large; thus, wwx is able to hear every how each squeak of the spinning wheels and the clacks of the looms slowly die off as the weavers turn to look at him with poorly-concealed shock.

wwx looks back. "What? Are you out of bedsheets?"

"No, of course not!" the proprietor coughs into his sleeve. "One cannot predict when one will need something replaced, and I'm certain Wei-gongzi needing new bedsheets today is just a coincidence." that last part is said loudly with a pointed glare at the gawking weavers.

the weavers turn back to their tools, but that doesn't stop them from sneaking glances at wwx every now and then.

huh, wwx thinks. maybe it's very strange to buy bedsheets in winter?

the proprietor calls over an assistant to guide wwx through their catalogue of fabrics.

"Is there anything in particular Wei-gongzi is looking for?" the assistant asks.

wwx thinks about it. his bedding usually consists of cotton or hemp fabrics. but… since lwj is staying, then it is likely they will have to share the bed. wwx would like him to be comfortable, too.

"Do you have any silks?" he asks. "Maybe something strong and thick?"

The assistant claps their hands. "We do!" they say extra loudly to cover up the gasp from a weaver in the back. "We have a new selection that was just finished. Would you like to see it?"

wwx nods.

when the assistant returns, they carry many layers of shimmering cream-colored silk with them.

"This silk is guaranteed to keep you warm in the winter and cool in the summer," the assistant explains. "And it's durable! So it will last you years. It's a worthwhile investment!"

wwx takes a corner of the fabric in his hands and feels it.

indeed, it is both soft and warm—yet light enough that it would be suitable as bedding during the summer too. sleeping on it would feel amazing. lwj would surely be happy with such a nice bedding material.

still…

he makes the same motion with it that he saw lwj make when washing the bedsheets. "Hm," wwx mutters to himself, "he *could* still rip it…"

the assistant's face goes pale, then flushes red.

behind them, the proprietor makes a strangled sound.

several of the weavers gasp.

wwx is far too busy inspecting the silk to pay much mind to the commotion around him. "Alright." he hands the silk back. "I'd like a set of these for bedding. You can just cut the pieces; I'll sew it myself."

"Sew it yourself? Absolutely not!" the proprietor sputters.

wwx raises an eyebrow. "But I've always sewn my own bedding—"

"And spend your own time and effort while you have a guest staying over? No!" the proprietor shoves the bolt of silk at his assistant and quickly waves them off. "We can have it done in half an hour, free of charge!"

wwx mulls this over. he doesn't want to stay out for too long, but the proprietor does have a point in that sewing his own pillowcase and bedsheets together would take time. he needs to consider that lwj hasn't slept all night either, and should probably rest soon.

"If it's not too much trouble," he agrees.

"It isn't! It truly isn't." the proprietor motions for a few of the weavers to follow his assistant. "Come back in half an hour and everything will be ready for you!"

sounds like a good deal. wwx pays upfront and steps outside.

it's easy to kill some time in town, especially since the snowfall was light and street vendors are still out and about. some of them do a double-take when they see wwx, but that's probably because he looks sleep-deprived and exhausted.

he doesn't buy anything because the silk bedding already feels too extravagant, but he still enjoys browsing. how odd it is that the world suddenly seems to slow down and brighten after he has told the truth to someone he trusts.

or maybe he's just sleep-deprived.

the silk sheets are ready sooner than he expected, and he happily carries them home in a paper package.

he nearly walks in without knocking, but then suddenly remembers that lwj is supposed to be bathing.

he knocks. "Lan Zhan?"

he hears an answering, "Come in."

when he steps in, he sees lwj tending to the fireplace. the tub is nowhere to be seen and lwj's hair is loose and noticeably damp, so he must have finished bathing some time ago.

at the sight of him, something wraps around wwx's heart and squeezes. "Hello," he squeaks.

lwj stands up. "Hello," he greets.

the squeezing sensation in wwx's chest intensifies to a death-grip when he notices that lwj is in his inner robes. "I got the new bedding," he says, holding the package out.

lwj walks over, takes the package from him, and opens it.

he nods in approval as he touches the silk. "Good choice."

wwx laughs nervously. "I'm glad you think so. How, um, where are the old bedsheets?"

something like embarrassment crosses lwj's face. "I don't know where to dry them," he admits, "so I put them in the barn."

wwx hums. "That works," he says.

"I've also heated up the food Sui-furen brought us." lwj gestures towards the pot of soup and plate of scallion pancakes.

wwx squints. "… Why are you using heating talismans when you have a fire?"

"Because I might burn the food," lwj answers.

without meaning to, wwx snorts a laugh. "Well done, Hanguang-Jun," he chuckles. "It's not a bad method."

some red tinges the tips of lwj's ears. "I will need to learn how to cook and wash," he says.

"You don't *need* to," wwx says. "But they are good skills to have."

lwj nods. "Do you need help making the bed?"

"Nah, I can handle it." wwx takes the package back.

"Then I'll set the table," lwj says.

wwx grins. "That would be great, thank you."

by the time the bed is all nice and made, lwj has the soup ladled out into two separate bowls.

the soup is good, as are the scallion pancakes. as ravenous as wwx is, he controls his portions, only taking as much as lwj is taking.

unfortunately lwj seems to have the same idea.

slowly, bit by bit, they take smaller and smaller pieces of the scallion pancakes until they're both staring at each other, waiting for the other to eat first.

it's the most ridiculous stand-off wwx has ever been in. with a huff, he plops an entire pancake onto lwj's plate.

the corners of lwj's mouth twitch with amusement, and, with saying a word, he also places an entire pancake on wwx's plate.

wwx gets a good laugh out of that before happily devouring his food.

in the end, there's more than enough food for both of them. wwx leans back in his chair and sighs heavily. "I can't move," he groans.

lwj gathers their used utensils and places them in a wash tub. "You should get some sleep. You stayed up all night."

"You too," wwx protests.

"I do not need rest as much as you do," lwj says, which is just a very gentle way of reminding wwx that lwj has a golden core to sustain him and wwx doesn't.

wwx groans again. "But I'll feel guilty. And if I feel guilty, I can't fall asleep. Lan Zhan, you need to nap too."

lwj visibly hesitates.

wwx tries not to panic. "It's just a nap, Lan Zhan. That's all! I know that my, uh, my bed isn't meant for couple—" he nearly bites his tongue, "for—two people, but it's not *that* small. We can both fit."

lwj glances at the bedroom door. then, he nods slowly. "It would do us both good to rest for a while."

wwx exhales in relief, but his entire body remains tense. "Alright. Good to hear. Uh. Then, um," he shuffles towards the door, looking back to make sure lwj is following him.

it feels very strange leading lwj into his bedroom. even though they're both tired and need the rest, there are still certain connotations associated with getting in bed with someone—especially someone like lwj, who has kissed wwx before.

even removing their outer robes feels too intimate. wwx's spine tingles when lwj pulls the curtains closed over the window. he knows it's to make the room dark for better sleep, but his mind is going haywire, screaming that it's because lwj wants privacy for the two of them.

wwx hurries under the covers and glues himself to the wall as lwj sheds his outer robes. the silk hasn't warmed with his body heat yet, so he lies there, shivering.

when lwj finally joins him, wwx can't help inching towards him. his body is warm and wwx is cold.

the bed is, thankfully, big enough for both of them to lie down shoulder-to-shoulder. lwj turns his head to look at wwx.

he's beautiful, like this. soft, unbound hair, tired eyes, and a warm gaze that remains unwaveringly on wwx's face. "Are you cold?"

wwx nods.

he makes a small noise when lwj pulls him closer into a loose embrace. wwx immediately stops shivering, his eyes wide.

their faces are close. really, really close. lwj is still looking at him, as if watching for the smallest sign that wwx is uncomfortable.

wwx *is* uncomfortable. his heart is beating insanely fast and he almost can't breathe with how close they are, but all he can think about is how much he doesn't want lwj to pull away.

as a way to reassure lwj that he's fine, he presses the tip of his nose against lwj's.

lwj responds with a lightly amused huff. he returns the gesture, pressing their noses together. then, finally, his eyes close.

wwx stays awake for a little longer to watch him. only when lwj's breathing deepens and slows does wwx dare to close his eyes and fall asleep.

lwj rouses then both when it is just past noon. "Wei Ying." he strokes wwx's cheek gently with his index finger. "Wake up."

wwx grumbles and buries himself deeper against lwj's chest.

"If we sleep any longer, we'll throw off our bodies' sleep schedule." lwj nudges him.

wwx doesn't move. maybe if he pretends to still be asleep, lwj will leave him be.

no luck. lwj carefully tilts his face up. "Wei Ying." a press of the lips, an almost-kiss on wwx's forehead. "Wei Ying." another one, on wwx's cheek. "Wei Ying." yet another, on the other cheek.

wwx whines and squirms, but lwj is unrelenting. after trying and failing several times to pull away, wwx finally yields. "Alright, alright, I'm awake. I'm up."

lwj presses a kiss—a real kiss—to wwx's forehead before leaving the bed. wwx wails at the sudden cold air.

"I would like a tour of the farm and the chores involved in its upkeep, if you're willing," lwj says as he brings over wwx's robes and wraps wwx in them. "We should also return Sui-furen's items this evening and thank her for her help."

wwx grumbles as he puts on the robes.

"It's winter, Lan Zhan. There's not much that can be done around the farm other than maintenance. The plants are all asleep." he pauses to yawn. "I envy them very much."

"You may rest tonight," lwj tells him. "Might I get started on learning domestic chores?"

lwj, unsurprisingly, is a quick study. he learns the basics of sewing without difficulty and successfully mends one of wwx's old worn robes.

cooking is where he starts having difficulties. his palette leans towards lighter, blander foods, while wwx heavily favors spice.

"More," wwx tells him. lwj shakes a few grains of salt into the simple stew they're preparing to bring back to the innkeeper's wife as a thank-you gift. "More." lwj shakes another few grains. "More."

lwj looks hesitant. he stirs the pot and tastes the stew. "It's salty."

wwx also tastes it. "It is *not*," he argues. "It needs more salt."

still, lwj hesitates. "Have you cooked for Sui-furen before? Do you know her preferences?"

wwx had cooked for her once; it turns out the innkeeper's wife does not have wwx's spice tolerance.

in the end, they compromise on somewhere between their preferences. wwx tucks the pot into the basket as lwj gathers their cloaks.

the sun is behind the mountains when they arrive at the inn. at this time, the inn is usually full of people looking for food and entertainment.

as such, it really shouldn't be a surprise when they walk in; people are leaving and entering all the time.

yet, for some reason, as soon as they step inside and a few people spot them, there's a mad, frantic rush as the patrons scramble to get back to their seats.

instantly, wwx is reminded of his teenaged years when he would play on the training field with other disciples and everybody scrambled to pick up their swords and pretend to be training whenever someone announced that yzy was headed their way.

he narrows his eyes.

"Ah! A-Ying!" the innkeeper's wife calls from the front. "And Hanguang-Jun! Please, come in, come in."

wwx walks over to the bar counter; he can feel eyes on lwj and himself the entire way there. "Hello a-yi. Thank you for the soup. Hanguang-Jun and I made this stew for you."

"Oh!" she takes the basket with gratitude in her eyes. "That is very sweet of both of you. And how are you feeling, A-Ying?"

"Better," wwx says. "I, uh, I'm very sorry for worrying you so much. Before."

her gaze turns sympathetic. "Oh, A-Ying. There's no need to apologize."

"However," she continues, "I am putting you on a three-month ban from purchasing wine. If you want any, Hanguang-Jun will have to buy them for you."

wwx's jaw drops, then he sputters. "Wh—that's not fair to Hanguang-Jun! Why should he be burdened with buying for me?"

"I accept this responsibility," lwj says.

wwx sticks his tongue out at lwj and scowls. "Both of you, colluding against me." a question that has always been at the back of his head suddenly clicks into place. "Hey, Lan Zhan, how did you know to come here in the first place?"

"I received a letter requesting aid," lwj answers, nodding at the innkeeper's wife. "Sui-furen was worried about you."

wwx looks at her. "And why did you write to him, of all people?"

"…Well—" the innkeeper's wife blushes. "Ah, that is, um…" she glances behind wwx.

wwx looks behind him. the town's blacksmith is seated at a table there, her face also gaining a faint pink hue as she giggles.

"That would be my fault," the blacksmith admits. "On the day you came back from Gusu, I went to your house to greet you, but you were, uh… occupied."

wwx thinks back. ah, right. he remember the blacksmith being one of the first people he greeted in town upon returning. she must have walked to his house afterwards to chat and ask him why he was gone for so long and accidentally stumbled upon him and lwj saying their goodbyes.

-flashback-

lwj: ask me to stay

wwx: … i wish hanguang-jun a safe and swift journey back to gusu

the blacksmith, who just wanted to chat with wwx and ask what he has been up to: *frantically and stealthily crabwalks away in the background*

"Ah." wwx laughs awkwardly and nods. "Um. Thank you. For your concern of me."

the blacksmith gives an 'oh, it's nothing' wave as she nervously takes a too-quick sip of tea and promptly starts coughing.

"Would the two of you like anything to eat?" the innkeeper's wife asks.

wwx is not too hungry—the soup and scallion pancakes from that morning were filling—but he still orders some roasted duck, vegetables, and congee for him and lwj to share.

lwj is silent as he eats, but he regularly puts food in wwx's bowl. wwx happily reciprocates the gesture.

it doesn't escape wwx's attention that the restaurant's patrons are watching them. has it truly been so long since the lan cultivators' visit that they've forgotten what a lan looks like?

whatever the reason, wwx can't blame them; lwj *is* a peerless beauty, after all.

once they've finished their dinner and are relaxing over a pot of the innkeeper's local-favorite fruit tea, lwj fills in the details of the current world.

the sunshot campaign had recently ended before wwx appeared in the timeline—so it had lasted two years longer than before.

it could have dragged on for much longer if it weren't for a concurrent civil war among the wens themselves; wq and wn, fed up with the war and livid at the atrocities committed by the main branch of their family, had collaborated with the great sects to overthrow wrh.

after the sunshot campaign, jgs had attempted to go back on his promise to preserve the wen sect; he sent assassins after wq's branch of the family, but oddly enough, no matter how many he sent, neither wq nor wn perished.

"I believe your wish saved them," lwj says.

when jgs's actions were eventually revealed, the enraged nmj immediately denounced him and defended the wens. his well-known valor during the sunshot campaign did a great deal in swaying cultivation sects to his side.

lxc, who had always been close to nmj, followed suit.

one of jgs's bastard sons supposedly attempted to dissuade lxc from siding against his father, but he did not have the leverage or sway to get much from lxc aside from his disappointment.

and so, the jin sect fell.

with both the jin and wen sects in weakened states and the other smaller cultivation sects starting to get ideas about seizing their territories, the lan, nie, and jiang sects banded together for their defense by forging an alliance with their sect leaders sworn into brotherhood.

at that last part, wwx nearly spat out his tea. "WHAT?!" he screeched, startling many of the surrounding diners. "Jiang Cheng is part of the Venerated Triad??"

"Yes," lwj says. "It was Jiang Wanyin who convinced his father to join the call to war."

wwx leaned back in his seat, laughing incredulously. he doesn't know lxc's exact age, but he has always assumed that lxc was 4-5 years older than lwj—and nmj, even older than that. that places jc at least a solid half-decade in age behind his sworn brothers.

((fun side thought for anyone interested in their dynamics))

https://twitter.com/cerbykerby/status/1584431285409226754?s=20&t=89tMO6JBzBcid5bZ3xBpVA

as for the jin and wen sects, jzx's immediate dedication to paying reparations as the new sect leader jin helped to jumpstart the jins' tattered reputations. after decades of jgs' countless affairs, the people of lanling are charmed by how much jzx dotes on his wife and children.

the wen sect do not have such an easy path to take. following the rules of bloodline succession, the next sect leader wen is supposed to be the now-eight-years-old boy wen yuan.

"A-Yuan?" wwx's heart seizes on the name. "My little radish is now Sect Leader Wen?"

"He is, but Wen Qing and Wen Ning are currently acting as his regents until he is of age," lwj replies.

wwx stares at the ceiling. what a relief it is to know that little a-yuan is going to grow up strong and healthy; yet what a loss it is that this a-yuan does not know him.

"Have you met him?" wwx asks.

"I have," lwj replies. "He is a good child, compassionate and curious. I cannot speak about his capacity as a leader, but with Wen Qing and Wen Ning guiding him, the Wen Sect may regain much of the honor it has lost during the war."

that is good to hear—so good that wwx again starts the hear the soft voices in his head telling him that he'd made the right choice, and that it was worth it to lose himself in exchange for this better version of the world.

he takes a deep breath. "Have you met my parents?"

"I have." lwj reaches across the table to take wwx's hand and give it a good, grounding, reassuring squeeze. "Wei Changze and Cangse Sanren usually spend their winters at the Cloud Recesses."

"Why?" wwx frowns as he squeezes lwj's hand back. "It gets really cold in Gusu."

"They are wandering rogue cultivators with no fixed home; finding a place to shelter for the winter can get expensive for them," lwj explains. "Shufu invites them to stay in exchange for the knowledge they've gathered throughout their travels."

instantly, wwx remembers the scars on lwj's leg—a reminder that he'd had his leg broken trying to prevent the library pavilion from being burned, then he'd had that same leg torn to shreds from a close encounter with the tortoise of slaughter.

"The library is… still emptier than it should be," lwj admits. "But every spring after your parents' stay, a little bit more knowledge is added to its archives."

despite himself, wwx feels his insides warm. "Aw, that's… good. that's really, really good. I'm glad to hear that."

-meanwhile, in the cloud recesses-

wcz, writing: the beast we faced was as tall as a decade-old oak tree. it is enraged by the sight of fire, but sensitive to loud noises.

cssr, writing: we faced a huge ugly pig and it was THIIIIIIS— *draws a line across 15 pages* —BIIIIIIIIG

they finish their tea, pay for the food, thank the innkeeper's wife again for her help, and leave the inn.

"Get home safe!" the innkeeper's wife calls after them.

wwx waves at her before exiting out the door.

going to sleep that night is nicer than the nap they had during the day. they are less hesitant to get into bed together, and wwx immediately squishes himself against lwj.

neither of them have to leave the bed to extinguish the candles; lwj does so with a wave of his hand.

they spend the next days living without much thought of the world beyond the town. lwj is a fast learner and quickly picks up on house chores; he even successfully washes his first dishrag without ripping it.

as a reward, wwx cooks dinner and does *not* add salt to lwj's dish.

they don't discuss anything about them.

wwx enjoys talking on and on about whatever comes to mind, knowing that lwj is listening along. but he doesn't talk about the half-kisses they share or the way their hands naturally gravitate towards each other.

lwj doesn't either.

wwx knows why.

as perfect as everything seems, he knows that what they have right now is a very sensitive subject.

the world they live is has been molded by wwx's wish; it is a world that is kind to wwx's loved ones, and it is a world where he isn't supposed to be.

yet somehow, wwx has managed to carve a place for himself in this world. he has neighbors who care about him—people who would help him when he needs it. he has a house, a farm, a home.

he's just having difficulty accepting that he could also carve himself a place by lwj's side.

as for lwj, wwx hasn't asked him exactly how he feels, but wwx can guess that he has a lot of mixed emotions.

while wwx mourned the pieces of himself lost to oblivion, lwj might also have mourned the parts of their shared history that he once had, but now never was.

wwx still vividly remembers lwj standing in front of him, eyes wide, but his voice soft and vulnerable as he whispers, "I think I loved you."

and wwx remembers telling him that it didn't matter at all how lwj might have felt about him before, because 'before' no longer existed.

every time wwx thinks about it, he winces and wishes to apologize—but that would mean addressing the proverbial elephant in the room, and he doesn't think neither he nor lwj are ready for that yet.

they don't talk about what's growing between them.

they don't go beyond blink-quick half-kisses.

lwj always leaves early and returns late whenever wwx bathes.

and wwx makes sure to never touch lwj's forehead ribbon.

'fated one' is the term lwj had used to describe the person who could touch his forehead ribbon.

'fated one', as if the universe would fold and twist to ensure that two halves of the same soul would always meet.

was that how lwj had felt, once he realized that he had both loved and never loved wwx before? that he has once again—and for the very first time—met his fated one?

if that's the case, then wwx is not at all surprised that lwj doesn't dare to push, doesn't dare to speak about any of this.

wwx personally wouldn't know what to do if his supposedly-fated one rejected him, then later begged him to stay.

wwx thinks he might stay and try to love them as much as he can for as long as he could—whether that would be for a day or a decade.

isn't that what lwj had said, too? 'Yes, for as long as you'll let me,' was his answer when wwx asked him to stay.

well, wwx thinks morosely. lwj better keep to his word, because wwx has no plans of ever driving him away again. but since he's here, wwx thinks maybe he should eventually apologize for hurting lwj.

eventually, when all of this is no longer fragile and new.

that aside, lwj is adapting well to living with wwx. he even gets along with the townspeople, which is nice until he starts bringing home gifts they've given him that neither wwx nor lwj understand.

((there's a small side story about this here:

https://twitter.com/cerbykerby/status/1583419681435590656

in an effort to figure out what they've been given without seeming rude by asking around, they make the mistake of sending some to nhs for identification.

needless to say, nhs will always be nhs, and wwx had to lock the erotic art books up because lwj wouldn't stop peeking.

wwx curses himself for looking too—not out of desire, but because he initially couldn't parse what he was looking at. he'd never seen cutsleeve art before, and he had—no idea that *that* part could also go into—

wwx has difficulties sleeping that night.

not because of anger. oh, no—it's because no matter how lwj holds him, images of similar positions demonstrated by the two men in the artbook appear in wwx's mind's eye.

he wonders if lwj also has the same thoughts.

it is yet another thing wwx is too scared to ask. how would he even word such a question in a way that is suited for lwj's ears?

so he doesn't. if lwj isn't saying anything, then wwx won't either—no matter how awkward the situation may become.

luckily, the situation never gets that awkward. with everything that is left unsaid between them, physical desire does not rank as high as, say, the subject of a possible shared future or a more intimate relationship.

that doesn't mean it doesn't haunt wwx's every waking moment.

it is a blessing and a curse that it is winter; both of them must dress warmly even inside the house, so at least wwx is not tempted by the sight of skin.

unfortunately, the cold means that they often huddle close together, and what wwx doesn't see, he can definitely feel.

it is torture. wwx has always known that lwj is a rare beauty, but it is an experience every time they embrace and wwx can *feel* the outlines of lwj's shoulders, chest, or arms.

lwj could easily restrain him or hold him down, and knowing that makes wwx feel… something.

one time, wwx tried to (playfully! harmlessly!) sneak additional spices and salt into the stew that lwj was cooking for their dinner. lwj was following a recipe, so he gently—but firmly—held wwx's wrists in one hand to keep him out of the way while lwj tended to the food.

wwx hadn't known why, but somehow his mind whited-out. all he could feel were lwj's fingers around his wrists, gripping them with a strength that left wwx breathless—and, contradictorily, with the desire to struggle more, to see how effortlessly lwj could hold him back.

lwj was as unyielding as steel. he didn't budge, and merely tightened his grip accordingly to how much wwx struggled. he didn't acknowledge wwx at all until he finished stirring the stew and said a reprimanding, "Wei Ying, you may modify the stew as you wish later, but not now."

it was the first time lwj had spoken to him in that tone, and it made wwx weak in the knees.

it must have shown on his face, because the way lwj looked at him was…

if wwx wasn't sure that lwj is incapable of indecent thoughts, he would have thought that lwj looked hungry.

wwx doesn't know what to make of all that. aside from that one time, lwj has always treated him gently. and it's not that wwx doesn't like gentle; he loves it, actually. but there are occasions when he wouldn't mind if lwj was a little… meaner to him.

wwx never asks him to.

so of course, lwj never does it.

it's a strange relationship they have. wwx finds it easy to confide in lwj about the nightmares he still sometimes gets, but it is difficult to ask where their relationship is headed—or if lwj desires him physically.

and lwj's face—however beautiful and entrancing—is often about as expressive as the jade he is compared to, unfortunately. wwx can usually get guess how lwj is feeling by looking at his eyes and the corners of his mouth, but it's not enough for wwx to gauge his thoughts.

later, wwx decides after a few days of mulling it over. perhaps neither of them are ready. lwj has only been here for a week and a half, and he shows no sign of wanting to leave. they have time to figure all this out slowly. for now, wwx just wants to enjoy what they have.

then, one morning, wwx wakes up to something hard against his backside.

at first, his sleep-heavy brain dismisses it as nothing. it is not unusual for wwx to wake up in awkward positions or with imprints on his skin from any stray trinkets he'd accidentally left on the bed.

then wwx remembers:

he hasn't left any objects on the bed recently—because lwj keeps their home tidy.

he hasn't woken up in awkward positions in a while—because lwj holds him while they sleep.

and lwj is still holding him; his arm is around wwx's waist, keeping wwx in place.

his breathing is slow, so he is still be asleep.

it's a small blessing; wwx is grateful for it, because he has no idea how he would deal with this if lwj were awake.

a part of wwx's mind is still in denial. he hasn't confirmed anything, it argues. maybe it's something else.

wwx could reach back with his hand, but that would require wriggling his hand in between where their bodies meet; lwj could wake up.

no, that wouldn't do. it has to be subtle.

feigning his usual stirring in his sleep, he shifts a little, pushing his hips back against lwj.

lwj gives a sharp little exhale as his hips jerk forward. wwx barely manages to smother a yelp as lwj somehow presses even closer, hips fully snug against wwx's behind, the hard object somehow even stiffer than before between them.

ah, wwx thinks weakly. well, that confirms it.

wwx wishes he'd never suggested reaching out to nhs. he really, really wishes he hadn't. if it weren't for nhs and his dumb books, then wwx could have easily dismissed this as a normal function of a healthy male body and patiently waited for lwj to wake up.

instead, here wwx is—in bed, wide awake, and utterly paralyzed. all because nhs's stupid books put stupid ideas in his head.

he vows to burn the books as soon as he's able to. he just—he needs to be patient, that is all. it shouldn't take long; lwj always wakes up at five.

wwx keeps his gaze fixed on the sliver of sky visible between the curtain and the window. it's still dark out, but soon, the sky should begin to brighten with the oncoming day.

he waits.

and waits.

the sky stays stubbornly dark.

by far the worst part of all this is that lwj is not doing any of this intentionally.

he moves about as much as expected for a sleeping person; it's just that whenever he happens to move his hips, he grinds against wwx and unconsciously exhales against the back of wwx's neck.

over the past two weeks, wwx has been slowly cataloguing every minute sound lwj makes: the sigh he gives when wwx tells a bad joke, the short 'mn' he hums to let wwx know he's still listening, and the quick, sharp inhale he does whenever he's caught off-guard.

he has heard the kind of exhale lwj breathes against his hair before; lwj had made the exact same sound back when they were on a boat in caiyi town, when a drunk lwj kissed along wwx's neck.

just thinking about the memory makes wwx's face burn and his neck feel extra sensitive.

when lwj next exhales across his neck, wwx can't help shivering. half of a moan escapes out of him before he slaps his hand over his own mouth. his heart is beating too fast in his chest.

he should wake lwj up. he really should. he doesn't know how much more of this he can take.

"Lan Zhan," wwx calls softly, patting the arm around his waist. "Lan Zhan, wake up."

lwj startles awake. "Wei Ying?" he whispers. his voice is low and raspy with sleep.

wwx laughs nervously. "Yes, um," he turns around in lwj's arms, trying to touch as little of him as possible.

"You were, uh," wwx flounders for an explanation, "moving in your sleep. A lot. Uh, so I thought that… maybe… you were having a nightmare?"

lwj blinks at him. it is taking some time for him to fully wake up, but by now surely he must have noticed his body's current condition.

"… Ah," lwj finally says. very carefully, he rolls onto his back, away from wwx. "My apologies."

wwx shakes his head. "No, no, it's fine." he shuffles close and drapes himself over lwj's chest. to reassure lwj, he presses their usual half-kisses all over lwj's face.

lwj's breath hitches and he—unexpectedly—turns his face away.

wwx can't help it; he flinches. lwj has never pulled away before, never once rejected wwx's affection.

"Wait—" lwj immediately takes his hand. "No, Wei Ying. It's not you. I—should not be touched, for the moment."

"Should not be touched?" wwx echoes. "Why? Lan Zhan, if you would rather—"

lwj swallows. wwx is close enough that he can hear lwj's throat click afterwards.

he stops.

"… Oh," wwx sputters, then before he can help it, "Guess it must have been a pretty good dream, huh?"

he can't see lwj clearly, but he can somehow *feel* lwj's long-suffering mood.

"I apologize for waking you up," lwj says, "and… for the unwanted contact."

wwx is nervous and desperate to ensure lwj doesn't feel embarrassed. "It's alright. We're both men. We know it happens."

he can see lwj turning his head to look at him.

wwx's unease spikes. "It even happens to me sometimes!" he blurts out. "So it's not a big deal. And it's pretty easy to deal with, you just, uh…" he trails off.

is it just him or does it somehow feels colder in the room?

"Who do you dream of?" lwj asks. he doesn't sound happy.

"Uh?" wwx gapes at him. "I didn't say anything about that."

"You said," lwj enunciates each word, "'It even happens to me sometimes'. I assume 'it' refers to having a reaction to a type of dream. So who do you dream of?"

wwx hadn't been thinking of that at all; he had been referring solely to the physical inconvenience of morning wood. but now that lwj asked, wwx has to admit that sometimes his dreams contain flashes of white and blue robes as warm hands and lips explore his skin.

"W-well…" wwx stammers, "why don't—why don't you answer first, Hanguang-Jun? You shouldn't ask questions you are not willing to answer for yourself."

despite the temperature in the room not changing, wwx suddenly feels the urge to shiver. lwj isn't speaking or looking away.

then, without a warning, lwj sits up, pulls the bedcovers back, and leaves the bed.

despite the cold air, wwx tries to follow him, only to be aggressively tucked in with a firm, "No. Stay here," from lwj.

"What are you doing?" wwx demands. "Come back to bed."

"I am going for a walk," lwj answers briskly.

"A walk where?" wwx frees himself from his cocoon of blankets and sits up. "It's freezing outside."

"I will be back shortly." lwj turns and heads for the bedroom door. "Stay in bed and cover up, or you might catch a cold."

"Says the person about to walk into the snow ass-naked," wwx snaps. "Get back here."

lwj stiffens with his hand on the door. he glares back at wwx from over his shoulder. "I am not," he says, "'ass-naked'. I am perfectly clothed."

wwx's jaw drops. he can't believe his ears.

"It's cold enough outside that it won't matter if you're wearing night robes or nothing at all!" wwx hisses. "Get back in bed—or am I going to have to drag you back myself?"

lwj blinks once, owl-like. "You may try," he simply says, before exiting the room.

oh, that does it.

wwx vaults out of the bed, too confused and angry to notice the cold. he wants very much to tackle lwj—but he wouldn't be able to bear it if he somehow hurt lwj.

instead, he slips lightning-quick under lwj's arms and stands in front of the door, blocking him.

predictably, lwj stops. through the moonlight visible through the living room's windows, wwx can see lwj's breath in the cold air.

lwj is breathing hard, despite not having done anything. "Wei Ying. Go back to bed."

"No." wwx backs up until his spine is firmly against the door.

"Wei Ying." lwj steps closer, looming over wwx. "I will not repeat myself a third time. Go back to bed."

wwx feels a lower eyelid twitch. "I don't understand why you're being so unreasonable," he retorts. "I didn't even say anything bad! Why are you mad at me?"

lwj briefly closes his eyes, which somehow irritates wwx further. "I am not," he pauses to breathe in, "mad at you."

"You seem pretty mad," wwx points out. "Otherwise, why would you leave me?"

"I'm not leaving you," lwj quickly corrects him. "I—simply need to clear my head."

wwx rolls his eyes. "The winter night is not a good substitute for the Cold Springs," he says flatly. "One is cold for the sake of meditation and cultivation, and the other is just cold. You can clear your head back in bed."

lwj shakes his head. "I absolutely cannot do that."

wwx stares at him in disbelief. lwj stares back, his jaw set and his eyes unblinking.

in the end, wwx drops his gaze first. "… Fine," he mutters, moving aside and walking back to the bedroom. "You've always left whenever I tried to get closer to you. I shouldn't be surprised."

wwx gets halfway to the door when an arm appears around his waist and hauls him back.

wwx doesn't have time to react; he loses his balance and stumbles backwards, but before he can grab onto anything, strong hands shove him against a wall hard enough to make him gasp.

"You think," lwj's voice is harsh, low, and very close, "that I don't wish to be close to you?"

it takes a while for wwx to reply; lwj is pinning him in place with his body, and it's making it hard for wwx to think. "If you do," he sounds breathless, "then why are you leaving?"

"I am not leaving you," lwj corrects him. "I will not leave unless you ask me to. But if I don't—if I can't keep my mind clear, then…"

he trails off.

lwj never leaves his sentences unfinished.

"Then what?" wwx demands. "What's the worst that can happen if you stay?"

lwj doesn't answer, but perhaps he doesn't need to. there's enough of an answer in the small, tense space between them, in the way they're both breathing too hard, too fast.

lwj makes a small sound—pained, almost angry—before he surges forward and crushes their lips together.

it is not a gentle kiss.

it is hungry, open-mouthed, ravaging, and mean.

wwx is caught completely off-guard. he reflexively breaks the kiss and tries to turn his head away, gasping for breath—only for lwj to follow him and kiss him again, denying him even a moment to think.

this is nothing like the soft almost-kisses before. this is something feral, ravenous, debauched. wwx moans, high, needy, when lwj sucks on his tongue.

if wwx thought lwj was warm before, then he's burning hot now. wwx feels set aflame every time lwj touches him.

it feels so foreign—wwx does not recognize this writhing, gasping version of himself, and he does not recognize this starved, demanding version of lwj.

none of that stops him from wrapping his arms around lwj's neck to bring him closer. none of that stops him from kissing back.

and none of that stops him from slowly parting his legs when he feels lwj nudging in between them with his thigh.

"Ah!" wwx cries out when lwj thrusts against him. their night robes are much thinner than their day clothes, and wwx can *feel* lwj's arousal through the layers.

they hump and grind against each other desperately, seeking as much pleasure between them as possible. wwx whines and chokes through his moans as he tries to match lwj's rhythm, his hips moving futilely.

in response, lwj grabs him by the hips and moves wwx himself.

it's like he doesn't want wwx to do anything; he just wants wwx to stay there and let lwj take his pleasure using wwx's body.

it's a completely degrading thought.

yet it makes him weak imagining lwj moving him around and making him take and endure what lwj wants to do to him.

(cw: dubcon starting here. they enjoy it and it's a kink, but it wasn't discussed beforehand)

so when lwj's thumbs hook onto the waistband of wwx's pants, it takes everything in wwx to not pass out.

"Lan Zh-Zhan…" wwx whispers hoarsely as lwj begins pushing his pants down.

it should be embarrassing, standing there with his pants in a puddle around his ankles, but wwx is more concerned with getting lwj to a similar state of undress.

as he fumbles with the drawstrings on lwj's pants, lwj reaches down and takes wwx in his hand.

wwx nearly comes right then and there. lwj's hand is very hot and big and the calluses on his palm and fingers feel amazing against wwx's over-sensitive member.

wwx thrusts shallowly into lwj's hand as he undoes the last string of lwj's pants and lets them fall to the floor.

skin-to-skin feels amazing. wwx moans his approval as he wraps his legs around lwj's bare hips. in response, lwj licks up his neck.

unsurprisingly, wwx does not last long. he comes with his thighs clenched around lwj's waist, trembling and gasping as he spills in between them.

lwj's chest rumbles with his approving murmur of, "Very good," as he lazily grinds against wwx until wwx is twitching and whimpering from oversensitivity.

wwx's mind is a haze. he feels tired and wrung out, yet still hot all over. he tilts his head back, asking for a kiss.

lwj kisses him deep and slow. the kiss is still hungry, with saliva trails lingering between them with each breath they take. wwx closes his eyes and kisses back with just as much enthusiasm.

then lwj surprises him by pulling back and resting two fingers against wwx's lower lip.

without thinking, wwx opens his mouth obediently.

lwj exhales slowly and deeply as he sinks his fingers into wwx's mouth. wwx reflexively gags when lwj reaches the back of his mouth, earning him a low, "Be good. Relax."

so wwx tries to relax.

it is difficult.

wwx whimpers as he tries to suck on lwj's fingers the way he would if they were lwj's member. he chokes when lwj adds a third finger, but endures it until he gets another approving hum from lwj.

when lwj finally withdraws his fingers, wwx gasps for air.

wwx leans against lwj's chest, catching his breath. lwj kisses along his brow as he holds him.

just as wwx thinks that they might be done with whatever just happened, he feels wet fingers sliding in between his buttocks, searching.

(cw: wangxian's flavor of noncon)

wwx reflexively presses closer to lwj, buttocks clenching. "W-wait. Hold on. That's n-not—"

as an answer, lwj reaches down with his other hand and grips a handful of wwx's behind, pulling the cheeks apart.

wwx cries out when he feels lwj's fingers push into him. "Ah!" he bites down on lwj's still-covered shoulder. "L-Lan Zhan! Oh! Wait!"

lwj does not wait. he holds wwx in place with a solid arm around his waist as he gently thrusts his fingers in and out of wwx.

wwx's feet are no longer on the floor; he tried to climb lwj in a fruitless attempt to escape the intrusion, and now he has no way out of the mess. he clings to lwj's neck, trembling and crying as lwj slowly opens him up with his fingers.

it feels good. somehow, it feels good.

when lwj retracts his fingers, wwx almost grabs his hand and demands for him to shove them back in. but he doesn't—because lwj is adjusting his hold on him.

it's almost insulting how easily lwj handles him—as if wwx were no lighter than a doll.

wwx begins trembling when lwj hooks an arm under wwx's knee, pulling him up and spreading him apart. "Lan Zhan?" he whispers.

lwj doesn't answer; he fiddles with something in between wwx's legs, and then something hot, heavy, and hard is pushing into wwx.

wwx shrieks, legs squeezing lwj's waist, hands pushing down on lwj's shoulders as he tries to lift himself up and away.

"Relax," lwj says against wwx's ear as he slowly, cruelly, grips wwx's hips and pushes him down onto his cock.

wwx sobs the whole way down. it hurts; he'd never had anyone do this to him before. "Too d-deep!" he wails. "Lan Zhan, ah! You're tearing me apart!"

by the time lwj is fully inside, wwx is half-convinced that he must be bleeding. lwj is not small, and he hasn't softened at all.

when lwj pulls almost all the way out, wwx can't help looking down, sniffling. even in the darkness of the living room, it's obvious that there is no blood on lwj's cock.

lwj makes a pleased, guttural sound in his throat before he thrusts again, then again, faster each time.

wwx wails as lwj holds him and fucks into him. "Ah!" he gasps. "Oh! Hngh—oh!"

aside from his heavy panting and the half-vocalizations on each breath, lwj is silent. he pulls wwx's legs apart a little more and thrusts hard.

wwx gives a choked sob.

wwx has no idea how it happens, but he's suddenly on his back on the dining table. the table is too small, so his hips are held up only by lwj's hands.

this position is so much worse. wwx can look down and see how spread apart his legs are, and how hard lwj is fucking into him.

lwj sets a ruthless, unforgiving pace, pulling wwx's hips just enough with each thrust that wwx can feel him in his belly. he doesn't speak, but his eyes are watching wwx, silently devouring every expression, sound, and reaction from him.

wwx has never been so grateful before that his house is far away from any other residences; he sounds like a needy courtesan, his head thrown back with lwj's name on his lips as he wails and moans and cries and sobs with each snap of lwj's hips.

lwj is not an inattentive lover; he leans down and kisses wwx until he's breathless. he lavishes kisses along wwx's neck, nibbling on the spots where he's most sensitive. he also reaches down to take wwx's cock in his hand and strokes it at the same pace as their fucking.

wwx doesn't have time to warn lwj before he's coming again, his back arching as he spills into lwj's hand, covering it with his seed. he cries out, hips twitching violently as he pathetically humps into lwj's hand, trying to extend the pleasure as much as possible.

it takes only a few more seconds of frantic, shallow thrusts before lwj buries his face against wwx's neck with a groan. hot liquid fills wwx from within, spreading through his belly.

wwx moans at the sensation, drunk on two orgasms and the feeling of lwj's come inside of him.

it is still cold enough for their breaths to be visible, so lwj sets wwx's legs down and pulls wwx up so that wwx can sit on the table.

"Wait here," lwj says, before going back to the bedroom.

wwx sits there, covered in icy sweat, shivering and wearing only his night shirt.

as he sits there alone, catching his breath, wwx stares at the half-open bedroom door lwj had disappeared through. he can hear lwj rummaging through the dresser, presumably trying to find a new change of clothes for both of them.

wwx looks down at himself. in the dim light, he can see wet patches of his own spend on his shirt. his inner thighs glisten, covered in so much of lwj's seed that there are trails of it trickling down.

he can't stop shivering. he was so warm before, but now he feels so cold.

even when lwj re-emerges from the bedroom, wwx can't stop shivering. he also somehow can't meet lwj's eyes. instead, he makes himself stare at the clothes in lwj's arms.

lwj is silent as he walks over. he drapes a warm cloak around wwx's shoulders. "I'll go get some warm water."

it doesn't take long for lwj to fill a small washbasin with warm water from their heating talisman-covered canteen. he wets a washcloth, wrings it out, looks at wwx, and visibly hesitates.

somehow, despite the cloak, wwx feels even colder. "It's fine. I-I can wash myself."

"If you want," lwj says. his voice sounds so far away and quiet now that his mouth is no longer directly next to wwx's ear. "I can—"

"It's fine, it's fine." wwx forces a laugh as he slides off the table; he nearly stumbles. "You don't have to touch me. I can do it myself."

lwj hands over the warm damp washcloth, but stays nearby. he averts his gaze as wwx cleans himself, but he doesn't leave.

"Would you like some tea?" he asks when wwx deems himself clean.

"Ah." wwx shakes his head as he reaches for his clothes. "No, thank you."

a small furrow appears in between lwj's brows. "Wei Ying, you need to drink something. We have water, tea, and leftover soup from dinner."

wwx's current nightshirt is damp with his sweat; he'd lost a lot of water, it seems. he should drink.

"Tea," he answers.

lwj nods, the furrow in between his brows disappearing. "I will steep some tea."

when lwj disappears into the pantry, wwx takes the opportunity to frantically change into clean clothes. but even when he is dry and clothed, he still feels cold.

he can't sit at the table—there are certain associations with it now—so he sits on the floor. his sore behind screams at the hard surface, but the floor is relatively clean and doesn't require wwx to move elsewhere.

he curls up into a ball under his cloak, shivering.

when lwj returns, he startles upon seeing wwx on the floor.

"Wei Ying." he quickly sets aside the tea tray to hurry over. "You can't sit on the floor. It's cold. Come sit at the table."

wwx shakes his head. "I don't want to."

lwj falters. "Alright. Then… how about the bed?"

the bed.

the bed sounds good right about now. wwx is suddenly very tired and just wants to close his eyes and not think.

he nods, and shakily stands up.

lwj hovers near his elbow. "Would you like me to carry you?"

wwx shakes his head as he shuffles towards the bedroom.

he tries, and fails, to hide a wince as he sits down on the bed; lwj really did a number on his waist.

lwj takes his cloak and sets it aside. he wraps the blankets around wwx and momentarily leaves the room to fetch the tray.

once he's back, he hands a cup of tea to wwx.

wwx takes the cup with both hands and a mumbled, "Thank you."

he doesn't drink. he just stares down at the tea. his hands are shaking so much that he can't see anything in the liquid's reflection.

lwj reaches forward, gently cupping around wwx's hands with his own. "Drink," he encourages in a whisper as he slowly guides the teacup up to wwx's lips.

the tea is hot—almost scalding—but wwx drinks. he can feel it going down his throat and into his stomach.

once about half the tea in the cup is gone, lwj slowly releases wwx's hands to let him finish drinking on his own.

"Would you like some more?" he asks once the cup is empty.

wwx shakes his head. he feels a little better now that he's not shivering, but he doesn't want to drink.

lwj takes the cup from his hands and returns it to the tray. he doesn't sit next to wwx on the bed; instead, he kneels on the floor beside the bed, his elbows on top of the blankets.

"Wei Ying," he says after a long silence, "I would like to apologize."

all the warmth provided by the tea and blankets completely evaporates. "Apologize? What are you talking about?" wwx demands. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"I have much to apologize for," lwj insists. "I regret—"

"You regret it?" wwx is starting to shake all over again.

lwj notices immediately. he glances at wwx's trembling shoulders before answering, "I… should not have done what I've done. I hurt you."

"Did I say that I was hurt by it?" wwx snaps. his shaking worsens to a full-body shiver.

lwj pauses, then says, "You're shaking."

"I'm shivering because it's still dark out and you're not in bed with me." wwx grits his teeth. "And what do you mean you should not have done what you did? I pushed you to it."

"You did not push me," lwj insists. "I—I lost control," his gaze drops, "and… forced myself on you."

now wwx is half-certain that part of his shaking is from rage. "Oh, I'm sorry, could you tell me for which part of that was I unwilling? Was it when I kissed you back or when I moaned like a whore beneath you?"

"Wei Ying—" lwj starts, but then stops himself.

"Look, if you regret it, then just say so!" wwx glares at him. "We both know I pushed you to it! You were trying to take some space for yourself, and I didn't let you."

"You didn't push me," lwj says.

"Would you have fucked me if I hadn't?" wwx demands.

lwj goes silent.

wwx's laugh is far too watery to sound genuine. "Of course, of course." he turns his face away and rests his chin on his hand; his eyes are stinging. "Well. It's done and over with, now. You don't ever have to touch me again, if you don't want to."

he doesn't know how long he sits there, blinking back tears, but lwj breaks the heavy silence with a quiet, "Do you regret it?"

wwx tries to discreetly wipe his eyes with the back of his hand. "What?"

"Do you regret," lwj takes a breath, "what we did?"

"That's a dumb question." wwx angrily rubs at his eyes. "Didn't I just say that I kissed you back and—"

"Yes," lwj interrupts, "but you also said multiple times that it hurt, and that I was going to break you. And I still didn't stop."

despite wwx's anger, he can't help feeling a flare of embarrassment. "Well—I enjoyed it, didn't I? You know that. It happened twice."

lwj bows his head. "And you begged for me to slow down and be more gentle. Twice."

"And you didn't," wwx says.

"And I didn't," lwj admits, "but I should have."

wwx wraps the blankets a little tighter around himself. "So you regret it."

"I regret hurting you," lwj says, "and for causing you distress."

"But do you regret fucking me?" wwx asks.

parts of the bedsheet are bunched up under lwj's fists. he stares at the pillows.

he takes so long to answer that wwx nearly loses his temper. "Only if you do."

"No, you can't do that," wwx snaps. "We can't both have the same answer."

finally, lwj looks at him. "The same answer?"

"We can't both say that we only regret it if the other does," wwx snarls. "That's not how this works. Then the only possibilities are either we both regret it or we both don't. So make up your damn mind."

lwj looks lost. after mulling it over, he answers, "Wei Ying, I cannot choose for you."

"And neither can I, for you." wwx curls up tighter. he sighs out of frustration. "Alright, how about this—since neither of us can answer, we'll just—forget this conversation ever happened."

to wwx's surprise, lwj answers with a firm, "No."

"No?" wwx raises an eyebrow. "Then do you have an answer for me?"

"I do not," lwj admits, "but—Wei Ying, please. I don't want to forget more of you."

wwx draws a sharp breath. he feels sucker-punched in the stomach.

"… Ah, Hanguang-Jun, you really have a way with words." wwx half-heartedly mimes stabbing and twisting an imaginary knife in his own chest. "What do you suggest we do, instead?"

lwj rises to his feet and sits on the edge of the bed. "Go back to sleep. It is still night."

wwx glances at the window. it is indeed still dark out; he and lwj had woken up in the middle of the night, fucked, and are now going back to sleep—because it's still too dark for anything else to be done.

"Alright." wwx nods as he shuffles over to his side of the bed.

he has to unwrap himself to allow lwj enough blanket to slip under.

lwj lies down in bed with caution, making sure to stay on his side with his hands folded on top of his stomach.

he doesn't reach for wwx, but his face is turned towards him.

wwx looks at him too.

he has already stopped shivering, but his stomach feels like an empty pit. he just wants to bury himself in blankets and sleep with lwj holding him.

now, he's not even sure if lwj wants to be holding him, after what they've done.

"Well. See you in the morning, Lan Zhan," wwx says as he shuffles to face the wall instead.

"… Sleep well, Wei Ying," lwj answers with a small sigh.

it feels terrible to be so close and yet so far from each other—but wwx is so exhausted from everything that he sleeps easily.

the next day is somehow both solemn and awkward.

wwx woke up to a sore waist and thighs, and it's difficult not to wince every time he needs to move.

lwj notices too; he keeps an eagle-sharp watch over wwx and his gaze turns pained every time wwx struggles to do something.

they still touch. wwx can still ask for hugs and receive them, and lwj still presses the softest of kisses to wwx's face and hands. it's as if nothing had happened overnight at all.

except something had happened between them, and no amount of acting normal can change that.

before, it was enough to have such fleeting gestures between them. everything was new for them, back then, and it was easy to bask in the bliss of it.

now, it is torture to feel lwj's lips only briefly press his cheek when all wwx can think of is how nice it'd been to kiss him.

lwj still hasn't asked for a separate bed or to leave—which somehow makes wwx feel better and worse at the same time. he is so very glad that lwj is staying, but the way lwj looks at him—like the very sight of wwx brings him pain and bad memories—makes wwx want to disappear.

wwx wishes he'd burned nhs's books the moment he knew what they were.

he wishes he never knew there could be more—that he could want more beyond brief kisses and gentle touches.

and now he has ruined what they had—all because he got greedy and wanted too much.

when wwx bathes, he briefly touches his own hand to the bruises on his hips, mimicking the way lwj's hands had gripped him last night. he wishes the bruises could stay forever, as permanent reminders that lwj had touched him once, made love to him once.

two days after the incident, lwj puts on a cloak and picks up the basket they use for shopping. "We're low on spices. I am going to purchase some more." he kisses wwx on the cheek. "Will you be alright at home?"

wwx returns the kiss. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be alright?"

lwj doesn't answer that. instead, he says, "Make sure you stay warm. I won't be gone for long."

"Don't worry about me," wwx hums. "I'll be making supper, and I'll only put in half the amount of chili peppers this time."

that earns him an amused huff from lwj. "I appreciate that," he says with a kiss to wwx's forehead. "I will be back before sundown."

"Stay safe," wwx calls after him.

when the front door shuts behind lwj, wwx gets to work on as many chores as he can.

it's almost impressive how much work he can get done without lwj's presence distracting him. he does the laundry, sweeps the floor, and completes some minor repair work on the barn.

he finishes up work and returns to the house to start making supper in the evening.

as promised, he only adds half the amount of his usual spice and salt to the duck noodle soup he's preparing. it's a little bland to him, but it should be perfect for lwj—and duck soup is a good dish to warm up with after a day spent outside in the snow.

as the soup cooks, wwx sets about making the noodles. he mixes together the dough, rolls it out, and cuts it into strips. after dusting them with flour, he curls them up into individual portions and sets them aside. he'll cook them once lwj is back, so that they don't get soggy.

once that's done, the sun is starting to disappear behind the distant mountains. wwx pulls a chair near the pot to keep an eye on the soup as he waits.

and waits.

the sun sets.

and lwj still does not return.

wwx frowns. maybe the innkeeper's wife caught him again, or perhaps that one carpenter is trying to bully him into buying a new chair or carving that they technically don't need; lwj was once late due to that, and while he was ashamed for returning late, wwx had found it funny.

if lwj returns with a new chair or stool, then wwx will *really* find it funny.

he waits.

and waits.

the duck soup has been boiling for so long that wwx needs to add extra water to it.

when lwj's usual bedtime comes and goes, wwx begins to panic.

lwj has bichen with him, and his cultivation is too high for him to be caught off-guard by anyone. there's also no chance of a monster attack, because wwx has always been monitoring the town area for resentful energy.

perhaps lwj just… left. maybe he realized that what they have is unsustainable and that they want different things in a relationship.

no, wwx tells himself. lwj doesn't lie. if he says he's returning, then he is returning. if he wanted to leave, he would say so to wwx's face.

wwx holds on tight to that belief. he can accept that lwj may not want him as much as wwx wants him. he can accept that lwj may eventually wish for them to separate—

—but he will never accept that lwj would leave him without a word or a goodbye.

the situation is not as dire as it was when a desperate, grieving wwx made his world-altering wish—yet wwx still finds himself making silent bargains.

if lwj comes back, then wwx will be grateful for what they have.

if lwj comes back, then wwx will never want more again.

if lwj comes back, then wwx will never wish for lingering kisses, never wish for words of love, never wish for robes of red and a lifelong promise, never wish for a little one to call their own.

if lwj comes back, then wwx will be good. wwx will be grateful. wwx won't be greedy.

wwx will never ask for anything else again. he just wants to be with lwj. he wants lwj in his home, by his side, in his life. just please let lwj come back.

please.

please.

the wind hides the sound of an approaching spiritual sword, but there is no hiding the familiar sound of a key turning in the door's lock.

wwx turns around just in time to see lwj step into the house. he is covered in snow and his hair is windswept.

he looks at wwx. "Wei Ying."

"Oh," wwx chokes as he scrambles up from his seat near the fire and runs over.

lwj barely gets his snow-laden cloak off before wwx runs into him, hugging him tight. the impact is enough to make lwj take a step back and for some snow to slide off his hair and onto wwx's head.

"Where have you been?" wwx demands as lwj hurriedly tries to wipe as much snow off of wwx's head before it melts. "You said you would be back by sundown!"

"I know. I did not keep my word. I'm sorry." lwj hugs him back just as tightly, and it is so, so good that wwx sobs.

lwj somehow manages to knock the snow off of his boots and hang his cloak up all without letting go of wwx. "Xiongzhang cornered me in the market today."

"What?" wwx gapes at him. "Zewu-Jun? He's here?" he peeks over lwj's shoulder, at the door.

"He's at the inn," lwj says.

"Oh." wwx blinks. "So, uh, why is he visiting? Is everything alright back home?"

"Everyone is well." lwj is scowling. "Xiongzhang says he would like for us to visit the Cloud Recesses for the new year."

"Oh." wwx blinks again. "Um, couldn't this have been a letter?"

"A letter would have been more courteous and less disruptive," lwj says curtly as he sits down on one of the chairs and pulls wwx onto his lap, still holding onto him. "There was no need for him to inconvenience himself by personally travelling all the way out here."

wwx is far too relieved at lwj's return to feel much shame about snuggling as close as possible to lwj. "Maybe he was worried about you and wanted to see you for himself."

"Doubtful," lwj mutters as he hugs wwx tighter. "He has turned the town against us."

wwx can't help it; he laughs. "And how did he do that?"

"He charmed Sui-furen, and she offered him a meal on the house," lwj grumbles into wwx's shoulder. "When I tried explaining that you were waiting for me, she talked about us for three straight hours to xiongzhang."

innkeeper's wife: it's such an honor to meet zewu-jun! you and hanguang-jun truly are twin jades. so handsome~~

lxc: sui-furen is too kind. i must thank sui-furen to helping care for my younger brother

innkeeper's wife: oh, i don't do much~ a-ying takes care of him plenty~ 😉😉

lxc: ah. i see.

lwj:

lwj: i should be going. wei ying is—

innkeeper's wife: OHHH 😭😭😭zewu-jun do you hear how he says a-ying's name?? what a gorgeous couple they make, so in love 🥹🥹

lxc: yes. i do hear it.

lwj:

lwj: can i go home—

lxc: no 😌♥️

wwx giggles when he hears lwj's description of what happened at the inn. "How did you escape?"

"I told Sui-furen that xiongzhang is single," lwj says without a hint of regret. "And I left while she was talking."

wwx bursts into another peal of laughter. "Lan Zhan! How devious!"

"It is likely that he will visit tomorrow," lwj says miserably. "Sui-furen will surely tell him where we live."

wwx looks around the house. he'd spent all day cleaning, so there's not much to prepare other than food for a guest. "Lan Zhan, he's your brother. He can visit."

"He does not need to visit," lwj insists. "He is already asking us to visit the Cloud Recesses."

wwx hums as he plays with lwj's hair. "Don't you want to spend New Years with your family?"

lwj's response is to hug wwx tighter.

wwx sinks into the embrace. he almost can't remember why they'd been so distant over the past few days. he's just so happy that lwj returned.

"We can visit the Cloud Recesses," wwx says. "I wish to see your home."

"This is home," lwj says.

"Your other home," wwx clarifies.

lwj pulls back just enough to look at wwx. "We do not have to visit if you do not want to," he says. "I would not blame you if you have… negative associations with the Cloud Recesses."

"Negative associations?" wwx asks.

"We imprisoned you there for days," lwj points out.

ah.

wwx nearly forgot about all that.

"You thought I was a spy," wwx reminds him. "You had every right to be suspicious. I don't hold it against you."

"Your parents will also still be there," lwj drops his voice. "If it would pain you to see them, then we can stay here."

that makes wwx hesitate. "That may be a bit awkward, yes," he admits. "But… honestly, Lan Zhan, I don't remember much of them. It's good to see them happy."

lwj's gaze softens. "Should we tell them the truth?"

"The truth? That I'm their son?" wwx huffs. "Best not to, I think."

"It is an option," lwj says. "I would want to know, if I were them."

wwx thinks about it. "Maybe," he concedes. "I don't know. Either way, we can still visit the Cloud Recesses. You've seen and lived in my home. I would like to do the same for yours."

lwj's eyes widen just a fraction. then he's hugging wwx again, squeezing him so hard that wwx almost can't breathe. "Yes," he says quietly, fervently. "Yes."

wwx luxuriates in the embrace, his face buried against lwj's neck. he never wants this to end.

of course, it ends. lwj finally releases him and pulls back. he gently cups wwx's face in between both of his hands.

"Wei Ying," he whispers softly. "About… about the events of the other night…"

wwx take a quick, deep breath. "Oh! Supper is ready, by the way."

he waddles off of lwj's lap; he hadn't realized he was straddling him. "Are you hungry? I hope you didn't eat too much at the inn."

"Wei Ying," lwj calls after him.

"I made some duck noodle soup," wwx says, putting the noodles into boiling water. "Half-spice, just for you."

"Wei Ying," lwj says again. "I don't regret it."

wwx stops stirring the pot. the uncooked noodles slow down in their swirling, catching on the ends of the chopsticks still in the water.

wwx stares at the noodles. he almost wants to turn around and ask lwj to repeat himself, but there is no mistaking lwj's words.

he thought he knew what relief was when lwj stepped in through the door. this is a different kind of relief—warm and light.

"Oh, Lan Zhan," wwx turns to smile at him and hopes that the light from the fire is dim enough to hide how oddly teary his eyes probably look. "I don't regret it either."

lwj nods, once. his shoulders sink a millimeter down, relaxed.

wwx goes back to stirring the noodles.

they don't speak much as they eat—or more accurately, wwx doesn't speak much as they eat, since lwj never speaks during meals—but there is a sense of peace between them. wwx often peeks up from his bowl to catch lwj watching him, which makes wwx smile.

after they're finished eating, lwj cleans the dishes while wwx transfers the remaining duck soup into a large bowl for storage. they wash up for bed separately, with wwx at the washbasin first as lwj changes into his nightrobes in the bedroom.

after they switch, wwx hurriedly dresses into his sleeping clothes and slips under the covers to wait for lwj.

he doesn't have to wait long. lwj returns with his hair down and his forehead ribbon already removed. he sets the ribbon on the bedside table and joins wwx in bed.

wwx waits for him to settle before cuddling close, plastering himself against lwj's body. "Hello," he says shyly.

lwj looks at him. "Hello," he replies.

wwx grins and scoots himself a little higher up to give lwj a kiss.

it's a slow, deep kiss—longer than their usual kisses, but not as hungry as the ones they'd shared when they first slept together. it is very nice; lwj is warm, and his fingers grasp wwx's chin gently.

wwx makes himself pull back when tongue and teeth start getting involved.

"Lan Zhan," wwx giggles, squirming as he tries to prevent lwj from kissing his neck. "We need to sleep. Your brother is visiting tomorrow, and likely very early in the morning."

lwj make a discontent grumble as he nuzzles wwx's hands aside and kisses under wwx's jaw.

it takes incredible willpower not to melt under lwj's attention. wwx allows himself a few seconds to enjoy it before gently pushing lwj away.

"Lan Zhan, be good," he warns, although there's no bite to his tone. "It is time to sleep."

lwj gives a small, hilariously-aggrieved sigh before pulling back. "If Wei Ying says it's time to sleep," he says, "then it's time to sleep."

wwx grins and snuggles close. after exchanging their goodnights, wwx falls asleep easily and quickly.

as predicted, lxc arrives early the next morning, at around six.

"Good morning, Wei-gongzi," lxc greets when wwx answers the door. "I do hope I am not inconveniencing you terribly with such a sudden visit."

"Oh, not at all," wwx says, stepping back. "Please, come in."

as sect leader, lxc's hair crownpiece is tall enough that he has to duck to get in through the doorway. he surveys the small living space in silence, before settling his gaze on lwj.

"Xiongzhang," lwj greets with a bow, "you're early."

"Not too early, I hope," lxc replies pleasantly. "Do not fret, Wangji. I will not be here for long."

lwj huffs, but says nothing as he pours tea for all of them.

"Zewu-Jun," wwx says, "If this is about the invitation to spend New Years at the Cloud Recesses, then we accept."

lxc blinks, then smiles. "That is very good to hear. A visit will go a long way in reassuring shufu that Wangji is well." he looks at lwj. "Especially after a month without a single word or update."

lwj takes a deliberately slow sip from his teacup.

wwx glances between them. "You didn't tell your uncle you were going to be staying here?" wwx asks lwj incredulously.

"I sent a letter notifying shufu and xiongzhang of my decision," lwj replies snippily. "Nothing has changed since then, thus no update was necessary."

wwx turns to lxc. "What did he write in the letter?"

"I have it here," lxc says, drawing a small, folded piece of paper from his sleeve. "It reads: 'Greetings to xiongzhang and shufu. I am going to stay with Wei Ying. With gratitude, Lan Wangji.'"

wwx waits. "... That's it?"

"That's it." lxc hands the letter to wwx for visual confirmation. "Shufu and I wish to respect Wangji's decision, whatever it may be, but surely Wei-gongzi can understand our concern when we haven't heard from him in a while."

wwx surely can understand. "Lan Zhan," he scolds.

lwj blinks once, slowly, which means he's either content or violently unrepentant.

it's probably the latter.

"I am so sorry. Please let Lan-xiansheng know that Lan Zhan is doing well and that we accept the invitation to spend New Years at the Cloud Recesses," wwx says to lxc.

lxc beams. "I will let shufu know." he stands up. "Thank you very much for the tea. It is good to meet you again under better circumstances, Wei-gongzi."

"I agree," wwx says truthfully. "Safe journeys, Zewu-Jun."

"And safe journeys to you too, on your way to Gusu," lxc replies.

once lxc is out of sight in the sky, wwx turns to lwj. "Lan Zhan," he frowns.

"That visit could have been a letter, too," lwj says.

"Are you and Zewu-Jun arguing or something?" wwx starts cleaning up the teacups. "I thought you got along with him well."

"I get along with xiongzhang," lwj answers, "until he forgets to mind his own business."

lwj's choice of words earns him a chuckle from wwx. "He's your brother. Brothers will always be nosey. Now," wwx smiles at him, "should we get packing?"

there's not much for them to pack, but there is some work involved with preparing the house for their departure. they will be staying at the cloud recesses for two weeks, so leftover food needs to be frozen or eaten and pantry staples need to be refilled.

wwx brings in more wood from the woodpile outside. lwj goes to acquire the pantry staples. wwx cleans the interior of the house as lwj packs their clothes into a qiankun bag.

on the day they were planning to set out, it snows.

it's not enough to make them push back their plans, but it is enough to extend their time on the road—or sword, as the case may be.

there is no good way to fly through falling snow. an umbrella creates too much drag, and flying fast means more snow in the eyes.

they lose a few hours of travel time before wwx jokes that if they go high up enough, then there's not much they can crash into, and they could *technically* wrap their heads in scarves and fly blind.

it's an amusing thought until lwj decides to try it.

wwx had once blindfolded himself during the phoenix mountain hunt, but that was when he could still hear, smell, and feel his surroundings.

up here, in the air, there's nothing. the sword beneath his feet is not even his to control. he has zero clues about where they are.

it is, admittedly, not a great journey. wwx doesn't like being blinded and lwj doesn't like snow piling on both of them, so they make frequent stops.

by the time they arrive at the cloud recesses, it is already eight at night.

there is snow in the cloud recesses, but the wards around the complex protects it from the worst of the wind and cold. wwx shivers gratefully once they pass the wards and the falling snow slows to a calm, almost enchanting, flurry.

lxc greets them at the gate.

"I am glad for your safe arrival," lxc says as he walks them into the cloud recesses. "I sent word for your supper to be delivered to your room the moment the guards saw you, so it should arrive nice and hot once you're settled in."

a hot meal sounds great to wwx. "Thank you."

"Please, there is no need for such courtesy." lxc smiles. "Let me know if there's anything else I can do to make your stay more comfortable. Ah, we're here."

they stop at the foot of a stair set leading up to a single one-floor house.

"I'll let the two of you get settled," lxc says. "Have a good night."

after bidding lxc good night, the two of them go up the stairs. wwx bounds ahead and hovers at the door until lwj opens it.

the interior of the room is as neat, clean, and sparse as any other room in the cloud recesses—which is unsurprising to wwx. but this is *lwj's* room.

wwx inspects everything, from the sword rack to the guqin stand to the bookcase. "It's so nice, Lan Zhan!"

there's just a beat too long of a pause before lwj answers, "Mn."

wwx stops. "You don't like your own room?"

lwj thinks before responding. "It is habitable, and I have many memories of peace here, but it is not as comfortable as the farmhouse."

wwx looks around. now that lwj mentioned it, there isn't much in terms of decoration and personalization. if wwx didn't already know that this is lwj's living quarters, he might not have liked it as much.

"We could fill it with our things," wwx suggests, "and make it a home."

lwj's gaze softens. "Mn," he agrees. "And make it a home."

wwx beams as he continues exploring. he examines the desk, chair, bed stand, wardrobe, and—finally—the bed.

wwx remembers the beds in the cloud recesses being thin and not very comfortable, so he's surprised when he sits down on the mattress and it's thicker and softer than he expected.

"Oh!" he bounces on it. "It's nice!" he glances around. "And big!"

lwj nods. "And quiet," he adds.

the comment is so unexpected that wwx can only laugh. "If you say so." he ducks his head, mostly to conceal his reddening face.

he kicks off his shoes and fully crawls on, pushing experimentally at the mattress.

lwj inhales, then exhales harshly. "Stop bouncing."

"Why?" wwx asks as he continues testing the mattress. if he arches his back a little as he does so, then that's his own business. "I'm just—you know, trying it out."

lwj's jaw briefly clenches as he watches him. "… Supper is here," he says, turning away. "We should eat."

wwx follows him with a chuckle.

he doesn't know how hungry he is until he sees the still-steaming food on the table and his mouth floods with saliva. there are gusu lan dishes, yes, but there is also food of the spicier variety that is common in caiyi town.

"Don't choke," lwj says as wwx devours through the food.

wwx's 'I know' is muffled by a mouth full of braised pork and green beans. lwj huffs, but silently adds more food to wwx's bowl.

lwj eats much slower, more proper. by the time he's finished, wwx is on the floor, groaning.

"I understand the rule about no more than three bowls of rice now," wwx moans. "Lan Zhan, just let me sleep on the floor tonight."

lwj gives one of his half-laughs as he walks over and picks wwx up.

the floor is kept warm with heating talismans, so wwx protests a little.

"Would you like a bath?" lwj asks.

wwx nods, but adds, "You should go first. You're the one who flew us the whole way here. Besides," he pats his own stomach. "I think I should take a walk before bathing, to digest all this."

lwj tilts his head. "Can you find your way back?"

wwx snorts. "Of course I can! I have a great sense of direction."

lwj makes a not-entirely-convinced sound.

wwx gasps. "Lan Zhan! I was a student here once, you know? I know my way around!"

"I have faith in Wei Ying," lwj says serenely.

while the water in the bathtub heats up, lwj bundles wwx in warm layers.

"If you get lost," he says as he tugs a cloak around wwx's shoulders, "don't move. I'll come find you."

"I won't get lost," wwx promises. he kisses lwj's hand as lwj ties the cloak under wwx's chin.

wwx does, indeed, get lost.

in hindsight, he should have seen it coming. the jingshi is part of the residence side, away from the student dorms and classrooms wwx is more familiar with.

still, he wanders without direction, taking in the serene beauty of his surroundings.

the cloud recesses truly is a beautiful place, safe and peaceful. he still thinks the lan are too uptight and could do with less reading and more learning out on the field, but their family members are endlessly loyal and good.

it wouldn't be a bad place to raise little ones.

yes, wwx thinks. it wouldn't be a bad place at all. they could alternate between here and the farm. they would have to be mostly at the farm year-round because of the crops, but he and lwj could ship the children to the cloud recesses for a few weeks to focus on their studies.

they may even be able to spend the winter months in the cloud recesses, wwx realizes. there's not much to be done on a farm during winter, and the children would be able to spend a good amount of time studying and spending time with their extended family.

it's such a nice thought that wwx lets himself bask in it for a while before shaking himself back to reality.

mustn't be too greedy, he reminds himself. whether or not he and lwj eventually have children, he will forever be grateful for what he already has.

he's on his way down another nice stone path when the sound of nearby rustling catches his attention.

instantly, wwx is on alert. it is past nine. no lan would be causing such noise. an intruder, perhaps? but the cloud recesses is warded. maybe an animal? no—again, the wards.

wwx watches with a mixture of alarm and curiosity as someone dressed in white slowly slips out of a nearby window and lands rather ungracefully on the ground.

the figure stands up, chuckling, and turns around.

an almost exact copy of wwx's own face stares back at him.

it's a very awkward stare-off. wwx keeps glancing between his mother and the window she just crawled out of. cssr keeps looking up the path he just walked down on.

then, without a word, she brings a finger to her smiling lips. in the same hand, she's holding a small razor.

instantly, wwx's gaze flies to her other hand, which is still clenched.

silently, cssr lifts her other hand and makes a show of victoriously and smugly patting the strands of loose hair off of her hands and into the bushes.

wwx watches her, speechless.

still grinning, cssr hops over the flowers and bushes to take his wrist and lead him away.

once they're a safe distance away from what wwx presumes to be lqr's house, wwx blurts out, "Did you just shave Old Man Lan's beard?"

"I did!" cssr cackles. "It was getting too long."

wwx gawks at her. he remembers also cutting lqr's beard off, but he wasn't so bold as to enter his private quarters and shave his face bare. "Doesn't he hate it?"

"Oh, he hates it." cssr nods sagely. "But he looks so much better without the beard! More like your lan er-gege."

wwx feels an intense physical reaction at the suggestion. "I don't really want Old Man Lan to look more like Lan Zhan," he admits truthfully.

cssr giggles again; her laugh is almost fox-like, full of mischief and life. "You might not, but I wouldn't mind!"

once her laughter dies off, she bounces alongside wwx as they walk. "I was pleasantly surprised when A-Huan said that you would be joining us for New Years," she says. "I must steal you away every now and then to Caiyi Town for some food and wine."

wwx nods awkwardly. "Alright."

cssr skips ahead for a bit. when she turns to look back at him, she's still smiling. the moon is positioned in the sky just so; its light haloes around her head, making her smile all that brighter, all that warmer.

"You're my child," she says softly, wistfully, "aren't you."

wwx's mouth opens, but no sound comes out. he closes it and tries again. still nothing.

this is a joke. surely this is a joke. of what few stories wwx had heard of his mother, she always enjoyed a good laugh.

she's not laughing. no—she's still smiling that achingly fond smile.

wwx swallows. works his jaw. oh—he has no idea what to say. this is his mother, but he has so few precious memories of her. he doesn't know where to even start.

cssr walks over to a nearby stone bench and brushes the snow off. she sits down and pats the seat next to her.

numbly, wwx sits down on the bench. cssr doesn't try to touch him—which he is a little thankful for. she just sits there, serenely watching him.

after a long time, the only word wwx can manage to get out is: "How?"

cssr's smile is both gentle and knowing. "My master taught me many things," she replies. "Cultivation. The Six Arts. Secrets the world has discovered, forgotten, rediscovered, and forgotten again. It was not difficult to recognize what you did."

wwx stares down at his hands. he has a hard time wrapping his mind around it. in his old life, his mother's name had only ever come up when yzy was yelling at jfm, or when someone was blaming her for wwx's own restlessness and sense of mischief.

over time, he had somehow forgotten that she was a disciple of bssr—that his mother had once been privy to all the incredibly vast knowledge and resources that came with studying under the longest-living cultivator in existence.

many have spoken of cssr's origins as an orphan.

others, about her beauty and the dozens of suitors who had sought her hand.

more than a few have sneered at her choice of a servant for a spouse and how she'd wasted her chance to be a sect leader's wife.

many have forgotten—wwx had forgotten—that she was a glimpse into immortality; knowledge, given life. she was mischievous, yes, and she was beautiful.

but she also knew so, so much more than anyone ever gave her credit for.

wwx has to swallow twice before he can ask: "When?"

cssr tilts her head. "From the moment I saw you in that inn."

wwx cannot keep his surprise off of his face. "That quick? Just—just like that? You knew? From that?"

cssr giggles into her sleeve. "I've been in love with your father for thirty years, little one." she's still smiling, but her eyes are deep and shining. "I would recognize him anywhere—even in a stranger's face."

nothing in wwx's life could have prepared him for this. "Ah," he chokes, gulping hard. "Does—" he gulps again; his throat hurts. "Does—he know?"

cssr shakes her head as she delicately dabs at her eyes with her sleeves. "He may have noticed, but he hasn't said anything."

wwx's heart leaps in his chest. "Are you going to tell him?" he blurts out.

cssr hesitates. "I believe he deserves to know," she admits, "so I will tell him, but… what's more important is: what kind of relationship would you like to have with us?"

wwx's eyes widen, perplexed. "Relationship?"

"Alas, you're all grown up now, so I cannot simply shove you into my sleeve and take you along," cssr sighs with a small giggle. "Would you like your father and I to be your parents?"

it seems cssr has a way of rendering her son speechless. wwx gawks at her for a good while before laughing. "Ah—hm." he itches the side of his nose. "Is that necessary? I don't wish to be a burden…"

cssr's gentle smile fades. "Who led you to think you were ever a burden?"

ah. already, wwx can feel red flags popping up in his mind. "No one led me to believe that," he adds hurriedly. "It's just—you and, um, you and my father already have your own lives established. You don't need to be my parents now just because you used to be."

cssr slowly looks him down and up. "Who raised you, after we were gone?" she asks.

wwx's mouth opens. closes. "Surely that doesn't matter much now," he says, laughing. "I'm alive and healthy, so I didn't do too bad of a job growing up."

cssr makes a small 'hm' sound as she studies him.

then, without a single warning, she slashes out towards his shoulder with the razor.

wwx reacts without thought; his muscle memory kicks in, and he disarms her with a twist of her wrist. the razor clatters to the ground.

cssr's gaze sharpens. "That's a very distinctive disarming style," her voice is still very soft—almost dangerously so. "I wonder where you learned that from."

wwx winces as he releases her wrist. "They took care of me fine," he protests, "I had food, shelter, clothes—"

"You mean they kept you from dying," cssr says with a deceptively friendly smile. "Did Yu Ziyuan become Jiang-furen in your time?"

there is no good way to answer that—not when it is obvious that cssr has already deduced the truth—so wwx says nothing.

"Of course," cssr sighs.

"Uh," wwx doesn't know what the point is in enforcing this, but old habits die hard. "Truth be told, she prefers to be called Yu-furen."

cssr goes silent for a heartbeat. "I see. And let me guess—she blamed you for her own husband's misplaced feelings."

"Well," wwx sputters. "No, because you—you were already gone. Honestly, a-niang, it was not bad. They raised and trained me. You must know that isn't easy."

cssr crosses her arms and huffs. "I may forgive Jiang Fengmian and his wife," she says, "if you call me a-niang again."

oh, that is just—that is just playing dirty. wwx stares incredulously at his mother, who merely flutters her eyelashes innocently and expectantly at him.

wwx sighs. "… A-niang, can you please not do anything to Jiang-shushu and Yu-furen?"

"No," she chirps happily.

wwx frowns, surprised. "But you said—"

"I said I 'may' forgive them," cssr grins. "But you are free to continue calling me 'a-niang' as many times as you'd like and try your chances."

wwx slumps in his seat as cssr laughs.

"When are you going to tell…" wwx searches for the correct word, "… your husband?"

cssr sighs contently as the last of her laughter dies off. "I don't know," she answers, lost in thought. "Probably soon. Probably tonight. He will need time."

"Time?" wwx asks.

cssr smiles again—she has many kinds of smiles, wwx realizes. this one is bittersweet, yet still so obviously full of affection.

"What name did we give you?" she asks.

"Ying," wwx answers.

"Wei Ying," cssr says. her gaze goes unfocused. "So we went with that name."

before wwx can question it, cssr's eyes focus on him again. "You were not unwanted, A-Ying," she says. "The decision to not have children was very difficult for your father and I. We love each other very much, but night-hunts are risky, and we had no safety net for a child."

wwx nods. his wish may have played a big part in influencing their decision, but he understands their reasoning.

"Learning about your existence will be your father's greatest happiness," cssr says, smiling; her eyes shine like stars, "and his greatest sorrow."

wwx swallows—hard. he wonders if his eyes look like his mother's, watery and bright. "Must he know?"

cssr nods. "So please forgive him if he draws away from you at first. You have had time to mourn your parents. He will need time to mourn what never was."

"Ah," wwx chokes, nodding. "Mourn. Yes, I can—I can understand that. I won't hold anything against him."

cssr's smile softens as she looks at him. "What did I call you? A-Ying, Ying-er, or A-Xian?"

wwx thinks back in his memories. "You called me both A-Ying and A-Xian."

"Alright." cssr's smile widens hopefully. "May I call you A-Xian?"

wwx can feel his cheeks and ears heat up. "If you'd like," he says. "I would not mind."

cssr nods thoughtfully. "May a-niang give you a hug and a kiss, A-Xian?"

wwx nods, suddenly shy, and leans down towards her.

grinning, cssr scoots close and wraps her arms around his neck. despite her many layers, her figure feels so small against him.

"Oh, my baobei has grown so big!" she pats his shoulders. "My big baobei!"

wwx has to fight the urge to try and cuddle against her neck or stomach the way he had with jyl. he has almost forgotten how nice it is to hug family.

cssr plants a happy kiss against his cheek with an exaggerated 'mmwah!' sound. "And so handsome! My handsome baobei!"

wwx begins to giggle as she plants happy, small kisses all over his face. "You said one kiss."

"Couldn't resist." she presses one final kiss on his forehead before squeezing him in a hug and letting go. "Alright, I should really be letting you continue on your walk."

just as it crosses wwx's mind that cssr has stayed in the cloud recesses for multiple winters and might be able to give him directions back to the jingshi, they both hear approaching footsteps.

too late, they don't move, and around the corner comes lwj—

no, not lwj.

"Oh, no," wwx mutters as cssr bursts into laughter. his mother is right; a clean-shaven lqr does greatly resemble lwj. this is terrible information to have.

lqr sees wwx first. he points an accusing finger. "CANGSE—" he stops, having belatedly noticed that there are two of them.

while lqr is still stunned, cssr picks up the razor from where it had fallen on the ground and shoves it in wwx's hand.

"He did it!" she declares, pointing at him.

then before either of them can react, she's off and running, cackling gleefully all the way.

wwx stares at the razor in his hand, then at lqr.

lqr stares at him, then at the razor in his hand.

"Uh." wwx hurriedly sets the razor down on the bench and shuffles backwards with his hands up. "It wasn't me."

"I am aware of that," lqr replies, as sour as unripe loquats.

"Ah, yes, of course." wwx clears his throat before bowing. "Greetings to Lan-xiansheng. This one is Wei Ying, courtesy name Wuxian."

"Yes, I've heard about you." lqr tried to stroke his beard. the face he makes when his fingers brush against his bare chin is unforgettable.

'do not laugh,' wwx chants to himself. 'do not laugh, do not laugh.'

"You have quite the reputation," lqr says. "First I hear that you may be a demon, then a spy, then suddenly you're Wangji's chosen companion."

"Funny how quickly things can change, huh?" wwx tries to smile.

lqr doesn't smile back. he slowly and critically looks wwx up and down. "Are you acquainted with Cangse Sanren?" he asks.

"Uhh," wwx glances in the direction his traitorous mother ran off in. "A little," he admits. "We spoke somewhat."

"Hm." lqr frowns more.

"Why are you out and about?" lqr sounds suspicious of him. "It is past curfew."

wwx opens his mouth, ready to ask something along the lines of 'look who's talking,' but he decides against it; he should try to have a good relationship with lqr this time around—for lwj's sake.

"Lan Zhan is… washing up," he says, "so I decided to take a walk. I figured if I stayed quiet, I wouldn't disturb anyone."

"Hm." lqr makes an abortive move to try and stroke his non-existent beard again. "You should've had a guest room prepared for you."

wwx can feel the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. not even three minutes into this first meeting and lqr already disapproves of him.

"I didn't wish to disturb the Cloud Recesses with my presence unnecessarily," he says. "So Lan Zhan and I both agreed to share his room."

one of lqr's lower eyelids twitches. "While that is considerate of you, it is inappropriate for you two to stay together in one room." he replies. "I will have a guest room prepared for you by tomorrow afternoon."

wwx feels one of his own lower eyelids twitch.

"That won't be necessary," wwx says sweetly. "I promise you that Lan Zhan and I have no qualms about sharing a room. Lan-xiansheng need not go through the trouble of accommodating me."

lqr scowls so hard that the wrinkles on his face deepen. "The two of you are not married."

the urge to say something along the lines of, 'we are, in all the ways that count' is so strong that wwx has to take a moment to restrain himself.

as rude as lqr is currently being, wwx is not sure if provoking him is the way to go—since he's already clearly mad, thanks to cssr.

"No," wwx answers. "But I very much would like to be, if he's also willing to have me."

he tries to say it casually, like it is an irrevocable truth. the sun sets in the west. lotuses bloom in summer. wwx would like to marry lwj, someday.

instead, lqr looks like he has been struck by lightning; different parts of his face twitch as fleeting expressions appear, then disappear. his skin is steadily turning red. he looks about to yell.

then, without warning, lqr huffs and turns away. "It is late. You should retire."

wwx blinks. "Ah?" he doesn't move. "Really? That's all?"

"It is past curfew and you do not have a valid reason to be out and about." lqr starts walking back to his residence. "Return to Wangji's side and retire for the night or I will have you copying rules until spring."

"Hold on, I don't know the way back to the jingshi…" wwx's voice trails off when he realizes that lqr is not listening or looking back.

soon, wwx is alone again.

well, no use waiting for lqr to come back and sentence him to copying rules—especially not during new years.

wwx remembers the jingshi being up on a small hill, at the top of a set of stairs, so he just heads uphill. he figures the worst that can happen is he reaches the peak of the cloud recesses, where he may be able to look around and spot the jingshi.

he doesn't have to walk far.

in the silence of the cloud recesses, it is easy to hear sounds—such as the sound of slowly approaching footsteps across the stone floor.

wwx perks up when he spots lwj. "Lan—!" he covers his mouth, then whisper-shouts, "Lan Zhan!"

lwj's is still noticeably damp, so wwx hurries over to pull the hood of his cloak over his head.

"Wei Ying," lwj says, glancing at their surroundings. "You went far."

"I know," wwx confesses, hugging his arm. "I got lost."

lwj eyes him. "What did I say for you to do should you get lost?"

wwx sticks his bottom lip out childishly. "You said to stay in one place and not move."

"And what did you do?"

"I moved."

"Mn." lwj looks up again, past wwx's head, at something in the distance.

"You moved quite a bit," lwj says after a pause. he raises a hand and points at a lone house tucked away among the trees—almost invisible in the night. "That is my mother's house."

wwx looks, suddenly interested. "Oh." he squints; there are still lights on in the cottage.

wwx tugs on lwj's hand. "If she isn't asleep yet, we should go say hello. She must miss you."

to his surprise, lwj doesn't move. "It is late, Wei Ying. My mother needs her rest. We can go another day."

"Oh." wwx looks back at the cottage. "Well, if you say so."

they walk. the moon is bright enough that they could've gone without the lantern in lwj's hand.

"My mother spent decades in isolation," lwj answers wwx's unasked question. "Her constitution is… not as strong as it used to be. It is important for her to rest."

wwx scrunches his face up. the logic doesn't quite follow that a person who has spent decades in isolation would need so much rest, but he knows not to pry at old wounds.

"I met my mother," he says.

lwj doesn't stop walking, but he tilts his head, thinking. "I suppose that means shufu is going to look different when I see him in the morning."

wwx's loud giggle is only half-muffled by his hand. "Yes! How did you know?"

"It happens every year," lwj replies. "It's tradition."

that somehow makes wwx laugh harder—and try harder to muffle his laughter. "Tradition!" he whisper-shouts, scandalized. "Lan Zhan! Your uncle would feel so betrayed if he heard you!"

lwj gives his usual huff—his version of laughing. "How was your meeting with your mother?"

"It was—unexpected," wwx admits. "She knows I'm her son."

that gets him a look from lwj. "I am unsurprised," he says, then, "Are you… alright with that?"

honestly, wwx is still processing everything that has happened. "She's a menace," he concludes, "but she is my mother."

lwj hums—which could be either an acknowledgement or an agreement. maybe it's both. "What of your father?"

"She said she's going tell him tonight." wwx looks down at their clasped hands. "She also said to be forgiving of him for the next few days."

lwj squeezes his hand. "That would be wise," is all he says—a small mercy for wwx's already-busy brain.

when they arrive back at the jingshi, wwx coos in delight when he finds a fresh, still-steaming bathtub full of water waiting for him.

he almost starts undressing when a glance around the room confirms it—there is no privacy screen, and the jingshi is one large room with subsections, but no doors.

"I can step out for a moment," lwj suggests, as if reading his mind.

wwx shakes his head. "At this hour? No."

"But you need to bathe," lwj protests.

"I do," wwx agrees, "but you don't have to leave."

the tips of lwj's ears go endearingly red. he holds wwx's gaze, as if expecting him to change his mind, before giving a small sigh and retreating to the furthest corner in the jingshi.

wwx undresses quickly, with constant peeks over his shoulder to see if he can catch lwj looking at him.

unfortunately, lwj has decided to copy some rules and is seated at his desk with his back facing wwx, his inkbrush moving over paper.

wwx enters the bathtub. the water is amazing—right on the edge of too-hot—and wwx cannot resist a satisfied moan as he sinks down until all but his face is submerged.

there's the sound of paper crinkling from lwj's corner of the room, but otherwise, no reaction.

wwx takes his sweet time bathing, all the while glancing in lwj's direction to see if lwj ever peeks at him.

no such luck. lwj must possess an iron will, because he doesn't turn his head once to look at wwx, not even when wwx starts exaggerating his sighs and moans a little.

it is still a little soon since 'the incident', and while they'd both agreed that they don't regret it, it is a tender topic that neither of them have spoken about.

nonetheless, wwx thinks it may be time. if neither of them regretted it, then both of them liked it.

once he is finished bathing, wwx turns to grip the edge of the bathtub. "Hanguang-Jun," he croons.

all he gets is a very short, quick inhale. then lwj responds, evenly, without turning around, "Yes, Wei Ying?"

"I'm tired," wwx whines. "Can you help lift me out of the bathtub?"

there is a moment of hesitation where nothing happens. lwj doesn't move, or turn his head.

just as wwx is about to crack and say that he was joking, lwj says, "Yes," and stands up.

he removes his outer robe as he walks over and rolls up his sleeves, still not looking at wwx.

wwx eyes his bared forearms appreciatively as lwj pulls two chairs over and lays dry towels over them, with wwx's night robes hanging over the back.

how very considerate he is, wwx's lwj. wwx cannot imagine a better man, or anyone else he would want to spend his life with.

when lwj finally approaches the bathtub, wwx smiles up at him expectantly.

instead of reaching down into the water, lwj first gathers all of wwx's hair together and meticulously wrings the water out of it.

wwx recognizes it for what it is—an attempt to delay, a method of self-soothing. lwj is nervous, but not unwilling.

to help make things all that more clear, wwx rests his cheek against lwj's hand. "Do you want to touch me?" he asks, gazing up at lwj.

lwj swallows. he is still avoiding wwx's gaze. "Yes."

"Do you want to take me?" wwx asks.

the hand under wwx's cheek trembles. "Yes," lwj breathes.

wwx feels a little lightheaded, as if he is about to dive off of a high cliff into water. "Then take me." he kisses lwj's hand.

he expected lwj to cave in, carry him out of the bathtub, hastily dry him off, and then take him on the chairs or floor.

he didn't expect lwj to *haul* him out of the bathtub, sending water sloshing everywhere and thoroughly soaking both of them and the floor.

wwx screeches, instinctively grabbing onto lwj's neck and shoulders for support. "Wh—Lan Zhan! Whoa, slow down! I'm not going anywhere!"

lwj says nothing; he just turns around and marches both of them, soaked and trailing bathwater, straight towards the bed.

wwx's screech jumps an octave higher. "Lan Zhan, no! We can't! No, no, not the bed! We're wet! We'll soak the mattress! Lan Zhan, no—"

his pleas fall on deaf ears; lwj tosses him onto the bed without ceremony and crawls on top of him, pressing hungry kisses to his neck.

it is mortifying, downright humiliating, how easily wwx's protests fade into gasps and moans when he's under lwj—how easily and willingly he parts his thighs at the slightest press of lwj's knee in between his legs.

he should fight back. a part of him wants to do that, wants to see lwj angry and seething and possessive and rough again. but this is also good, simply yielding and letting lwj do whatever he wants, take however much he wants.

this time is both slower and faster than their first; as lwj rapidly peels his own wet robes off of himself, his hands and mouth seem to be everywhere—against wwx's lips, on his neck, around his nipples, down his stomach, and—

wwx cries out when lwj takes him into his mouth.

wwx can feel lwj struggle a little with his gag reflex. he tries to push lwj off. "Lan Zhan," he gasps. "You don't have to—"

lwj ignores him and eases his own throat open as he fully takes wwx in.

it does not take long for him to reduce wwx to a writhing mess.

wwx tries his best not to, but he can't help thrusting shallowly into lwj's mouth. "Lan Zhan," he breathes. "Lan Zhan, oh, oh, Lan Zhan, please, I'm going to—"

lwj pulls off of him at the last possible moment. wwx gives a frustrated cry and reaches for himself.

"No," lwj says.

wwx whines. "But I—"

lwj bites around his nipple, making wwx screech. "No."

"Lan Zhan, you beast!" wwx tries to wriggle away. "You can't just bite me! If you do that again, then I'll—I'll—"

lwj's response is to grab him by his ankles and drag his legs apart.

wwx cries out and struggles and pushes against lwj's chest even as his legs willing part to let lwj settle in between them. "Let me go!" he wails. "What a brute you are, Hanguang-Jun! Forcing yourself on others!"

lwj presses their foreheads together. he is on the verge of panting, his breaths slow and deep. "If you want me to stop," he says, "then—be quiet, and I'll stop."

wwx doesn't quite manage to hide a knowing smile. "I didn't know you could be like this, Hanguang-Jun!" he wails.

"So rough! So uncaring!" wwx turns to hide his face against his arm. "If I'd known that you would just be using me to carry your babies, then I would have never—"

the only warning wwx gets is a harsh exhale from lwj before he feels hands gripping his hips, keeping him still.

for a moment, wwx actually does go silent and slack-jawed as lwj pushes into him, stretching him beyond belief. he'd forgotten how big lwj is, how much just taking him in feels like rearranging his insides.

lwj takes notice of his silence. "Wei Ying," he says.

"Oh," wwx breathes. "Oh. Lan Zhan. You're inside me."

wwx can *feel* lwj's reaction to that. "I am," lwj says, before leaning down and kissing wwx sweetly and deeply.

lwj, wwx soon learns, had spent a lot of time with the reading materials that nhs sent them. and here wwx thought of himself as knowledgeable when it comes to intimate acts in bed—it turns out he has very little against lwj's memory and stamina.

after the fifth round—wwx didn't even know that it was possible to go more than once in a row—wwx is a boneless mass on the soggy bed, whining quietly and panting as lwj pulls out of him.

"Lan Zhan," he sighs, moving his hips so that lwj can see, "you put so much in me…"

lwj's ears are a pleasant red in the candlelight. "Wei Ying," he says with a hint of warning, "we need to sleep."

wwx can't do anything but yawn. "Sleep where?" he groans. "The bed is soaked and the floor is wet. I'm all pruney because you couldn't wait to dry me off first."

lwj exhales in amusement and kisses wwx on the forehead before leaving the bed. the mattress is so soaked that it makes a slight squishing noise where lwj presses down on it.

wwx groans. they definitely ruined the bed. getting a new mattress is going to be a pain.

lwj returns with a washbasin of fresh, warm water. he picks wwx up—or, rather, peels him off (gross)—from the bed and sets him down on a chair to give him a quick sponge bath.

wwx winces when his bottom meets the chair. "Lan Zhan, you're so cruel to my poor waist," he complains.

lwj first cleans over wwx's skin, starting with his face and hands. "Mn. My fault. I will be more gentle next time."

wwx giggles. "Already thinking of next time, Lan er-gege?"

that gets him a warning glare from lwj and more delightfully red ears.

"Oh? Do you like it when I call you that?" wwx presses his toes against lwj's bare thigh. "Lan er-gege?"

immediately, lwj grabs his ankle. there's that second warning glare. "Wei Ying," he warns. "It is late. You need to rest."

as much as wwx would like to continue teasing, lwj is right; it is well past midnight, and wwx is not sure how much more punishment his waist can take.

still, he openly ogles lwj's body as lwj washes him. they should both wander naked around the jingshi more often, wwx thinks.

by the time lwj washes between his legs, wwx is half-hard, but still too over-sensitive to come again. mercifully, lwj touches him just enough to get him clean and no more.

once wwx is clean and wrapped in dry, warm towels, lwj washes himself and starts mopping the floor.

while there is no saving the mattress, most of the water is thankfully contained to the bathing area, where there is a draining grid to dispose of bath water through. lwj mops up the excess and places a few heating talismans to help evaporate what is left.

after moving the mattress off the bed frame and placing it in the bathing area to allow the worst of the water (and more) to slowly drain, lwj retrieves more blankets and pillows from a storage area under the floorboards and begins spreading them out on a dry part of the floor.

wwx has dried enough that he can slowly ease himself into his night robes without too much wincing. by the time he is dressed and shuffling over, lwj had finished making the makeshift bed.

wwx sinks gratefully under the covers with a happy sigh and hugs his pillow.

"This is so nice," wwx mumbles tiredly as lwj joins him under the covers after pulling on a pair of pants. "I wouldn't mind staying here forever with you."

lwj's hand pauses in the middle of tucking wwx's hair behind his ear. "Truly?"

"Mmhm." wwx presses sleepy kisses to lwj's hand. "You're so wonderful. I like you so much."

lwj doesn't reply—not that wwx minds much, especially not when lwj pulls him close and holds him tight as wwx drifts off to sleep.

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wwx has many regrets in the morning.

sleeping on the floor plus five rounds of sex with a very enthusiastic lwj is a terrible combination. they sleep in until almost noon, and when wwx tries to sit up, he—despite the jiang motto of 'attempt the impossible'—promptly gives up.

lwj wakes up slowly, moving over to nuzzle wwx. "Wei Ying," he greets, his voice deliciously husky from sleep.

if only wwx was in the mood to enjoy it; enjoying parts of lwj is exactly what led to this predicament. "Good morning, Lan Zhan," he says. "I can't move."

immediately, lwj is sitting up and peeling the blankets off of wwx. "Where are you hurt?" he demands. "Are you in pain?"

wwx quickly reassures him with a hand on his wrist. "Five rounds, Lan Zhan," he moans. "I told you I wouldn't survive five rounds."

upon understanding the source of wwx's pain, lwj noticeably relaxes. he plants soft kisses along wwx's face. "How bad is it?"

wwx moves his waist. pretty bad—but he has had worse days before. this was bad, but it was a good kind of bad. a good pain, from a good, loving act.

"My waist is broken," wwx wails. "You're going to have to carry me around for the rest of my life, Lan Zhan. Oh, what am I going to do! Lan Zhan, you must take responsibility!"

wwx can feel lwj's laughter against his neck.

"Mn," lwj agrees. "I will take responsibility."

lwj gently pulls wwx onto his chest, into an embrace. his strong hands massage wwx's waist as wwx rattles on about what a cruel, hungry lover lwj was the previous night, and how thoroughly he ravished wwx's young, nubile body.

lwj listens with great patience and amusement.

after a bit of massaging, wwx tries again to sit up and succeeds with only minor groaning. standing up is much harder, but luckily he feels fine standing—it's bending over and sitting down that gives him trouble.

he exercises by walking slowly around the room as lwj cleans up.

wwx doesn't know how or when lwj contacts the kitchen, but lunch is served shortly after. as lwj accepts the tray of food from the servant, he also requests for a new mattress to be brought to the jingshi.

the servant turns red in the face, but accepts without hesitation.

lunch is a little boring—all vegetarian dishes—but wwx lights up when he sees a bottle of chili oil on the table. he pours it liberally on the food and happily eats his fill as lwj watches him with quiet, fond eyes.

lwj is expected to meet with lqr—he is already late by several hours, and wwx knows one of the topics is going to be about preparing a guest bedroom for wwx. if lwj keeps his uncle waiting any longer, lqr may just lose his temper and insist on a separate room.

"I do not wish to leave you alone in this state," lwj says. "You need to rest."

"And you need to talk with your shufu before he decides to give us separate bedrooms and chaperones," wwx argues back. "Just toss me into the Cold Springs to heal up while you chat with your uncle."

lwj looks reluctant to do so, but he yields after wwx points out that a place of healing like the cold springs would be a much better place for him to be than in the jingshi, where there is no mattress for him to lie on.

lwj dresses them both in warm layers, and they're off.

the cold springs is an area of concentrated spiritual energy—the closer they get to it, the warmer and more energized the air feels. although wwx can no longer reap the spiritual benefits of soaking in the cold springs, the water should greatly help in reducing soreness.

the moment they step into the cold spring area, lwj stops in his tracks. wwx, who was leaning against him for support, also gets yanked to a halt.

"What?" wwx asks, looking at lwj. "What is it?"

lwj is looking in the direction of the cold springs. "There's someone here."

from the cold spring, wwx hears someone call out in greeting, "A-Zhan."

he peeks around lwj's body, fully expecting to see lxc or maybe an elder lan relative of lwj's.

instead, standing in the middle of the cold springs, near the falls, is wcz.

it's too late to hide back behind lwj—wcz catches sight of him immediately.

he looks… terrible, if wwx is being honest. wcz's eyes are red-rimmed, as if he'd been crying for most of the night, and there's a heaviness about him that seems to age him an entire decade.

he looks at wwx as if he wants to greet him too, but does not know what to call him by.

wwx saves him from it by waving. "Hello," he greets. "Just a 'hello' is fine, you don't have to think beyond that."

wcz's, "Hello," is so quiet that it's more mouthed than said.

lwj looks at wwx with a silent question in his gaze.

wwx answers it with, "It's fine. I'll be fine, Lan Zhan. Don't worry."

despite his reassurance, lwj still guides him all the way to the pool's edge and helps him remove his outer layers.

wcz watches them the entire time.

lwj stops before wwx's last layer—which is good, because wwx has decided that he will go in the water with one layer of robes on; his body is littered with hickeys and bite marks from lwj, and having his father see them would just be… awkward.

wwx doesn't manage to be completely calm and collected when he slides into the cold water, but at least he doesn't make any sound louder than a very emphatic, "HhhhHHH," vocalization as he steps into the pond.

the corners of wcz's mouth twitch; out of amusement? disapproval?

lwj kneels by the pond's edge. "Will you be alright?" he asks as he helps fold wwx's robes.

wwx can only nod; he's shivering so hard that his teeth are chattering.

"If you need anything, just ask—" there's a pause as lwj thinks, "—ask Wei-xiansheng for help."

wwx nods again.

when lwj still looks reluctant to leave, wwx shoos him away. "I'll be f-fine!" he insists. "I'm not al-lone here, it's not like I'm just going to dr-drown, or something."

alarm crosses lwj's face as he begins turning back around.

wwx splashes him. "Move!"

lwj finally leaves after a bow to wcz and a last lingering look at wwx. then, he is gone.

and wwx is left awkwardly alone with his father, who is avoiding eye contact by closing his eyes and sinking deeper into the water.

since wcz isn't looking at him, wwx takes the opportunity to study him a bit.

it is truly odd how much his parents look like him; wwx knows it's a given, but looking at wcz feels like looking into the future through a mirror. it is both unsettling and oddly comforting.

wcz doesn't look much different from when wwx last saw him. he's not smiling and there is an exhausted tension in his shoulders and face.

the single jiang braid in his hair is also gone—undone and wavy against his head—but otherwise, nothing much had changed.

wwx is terrible with awkward silence. he clears his throat. "So. Um."

wcz opens his eyes and turns to look at wwx.

"She told you?" wwx asks, even though the answer is stupidly obvious. there is no other reason for wcz to be so distraught that he seeks spiritual healing.

wcz nods—just the barest dip of his head. he says nothing.

"Ah." wwx nods too. "Good—or, not good, depending on your personal opinions."

wcz still says nothing; the silence vaguely reminds wwx of the stifled way lwj had held himself when they were trapped in the xuanwu cave.

just as wwx's arms and legs are starting to go blissfully numb from the cold, he hears wcz say, "What do you want?"

Hm?" wwx looks over at him. "Oh, uh, some wine would be nice right about now, I'm not going to lie."

"I meant: what do you want," wcz rephrases, "from me."

oh.

"From you? Specifically?" wwx asks. "Uh, nothing, I suppose. I'm doing alright as I am."

wcz nods. he swallows in a way that means his throat is bothering him. "I understand."

wwx unfortunately doesn't, and he isn't sure how to ask in a way that isn't awkward.

"How old were you," wcz asks after an eternity of silence, "when we… left?"

wwx cringes inward. there is no good way to paint the answer. "Not too young," he tries, "around—five, I think?"

wcz makes an interesting sound, like half a laugh, half a sob. "Five years old."

"It wasn't too bad," wwx hurries to reassure him. "I was old enough to, you know, feed and clothe myself—"

"Five years old," wcz doesn't sound like he's listening anymore. he braces himself against a nearby rock. "Gods, just five years. Just a young, young child. Our child."

wwx doesn't know what to do, except maybe stop talking; it seems his talking isn't helping. should he leave? but he doesn't want to give wcz the impression that wwx doesn't want to be around him. but staying is uncomfortable too.

nonetheless, he stays.

wcz, wwx discovers, cries in complete silence. if it weren't for the ripples in the water in front of wcz, wwx might not have noticed at all.

wwx runs through his options, then decides to stay quiet. cssr had told him to be more forgiving of wcz and to give him time.

when wcz finally takes a deep breath that sounds somewhat calm, wwx musters a comment of, "You know, I don't blame you."

wcz doesn't look at him—probably because his eyes are red—but he asks, "Why not?"

wwx feels punched-out. "I may not remember much about us," he admits, "but I do know that we were all happy. You wouldn't have—left me, unless you had no choice."

wcz inhales deeply. "No," he agrees, wiping his face, "we wouldn't have left—not with how badly we wanted you."

"Ah," wwx chokes, his mind tossing the phrase 'how badly we wanted you' back and forth in his head. "Well, there you go. I don't blame you, so don't blame yourself, alright? Both of you tried your best."

wcz's mouth twists. "Not well enough. We left you with Jiang Fengmian."

wwx cannot stop his eyebrows from shooting up. "Oh! Huh."

this time, wcz fully looks at him. he looks terrifying, all bloodshot eyes and anger. "Fengmian came and got you the moment we failed to return, didn't he?"

"Of course!" wwx laughs, his heart pounding. now he understands why the friends he had in his youth were scared of their fathers—this is a completely different fear than anything he'd felt before. "Of course, of course! Jiang-shushu made sure of that, don't worry!"

the way wcz stares at him is more truth-compelling than any song the lan could compose. then he gives a short, derisive chuckle.

"You truly are your mother's child," wcz says in a voice of both wonder and fury. "You laugh the exact same way she does when she's lying."

without warning, wcz turns around, places his hands on the pool bank, and effortlessly lifts himself out of the water.

"No, no, wait! Where are you going?" wwx hurries over as quickly as he can manage.

"To pay Lotus Pier a visit," wcz answers, grabbing his robes and his sword.

"No, no, why? You can't do that—why?" wwx also tries to lift himself out of the pool. "The Jiangs don't know me anymore! Or, they never knew me. If you attack Jiang-shushu for—" his arms fail him; he collapses on the bank, half-out of the water, with a groan.

at least that gets wcz rushing back to him. "Wei-gongzi? Wei-gongzi! What's wrong? Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine!" wwx manages to drag himself out of the water and sit on the pool's edge. "Listen—the Jiang are not going to understand. In this world, they never knew me."

"So you can't just show up at Lotus Pier being angry at them for things they didn't do, do you understand?" wwx continues. "They are innocent."

wcz falls silent. his robes are half-soaked through from the water on his body and in his hair. he looks at wwx.

"You've been with me in this Cold Spring for over half an hour," wcz says, very quietly. "How are you still injured?"

wwx considers lying, but that didn't go over well the last time he tried. he settles on a half-truth. "I lost my core," he answers quickly, "before the war."

'Before the war,' he sees wcz mouth silently, before wcz speaks at his usual volume, "Wen Zhuliu?"

wwx nods, because there's nothing else he can do, not without revealing too much.

wcz sinks to also sit on the ground. he places his sword down. "I am sorry."

wwx starts to laugh, then stops himself. "Well, it's not so bad, you know." he shrugs. "I think I'm doing pretty well for a—for a non-cultivator."

wcz nods once, distantly. "And did the Jiang Sect help care for you? After you lost your core?"

"Well—" wwx flounders for an explanation that could be acceptable. "I left, actually, on my own. I-I couldn't be what the Jiang Sect needed me to be, anymore. So." he restrains himself from fidgeting. "I don't regret it."

wcz says nothing. he just stares down at the ground.

"I apologize," wcz breaks his own silence. "Your mother told me the—circumstances necessary for a wish such as yours to be granted. I do not know what drove you to such desperation, and it is unfair of me to ask so much out of you when I am barely more than a stranger to you."

"Oh." this time, wwx really can't hide his nervous laughter. "You don't—you don't need to do that. The apologizing, I mean. You're my, um, my father, aren't you? Good fathers worry."

at that, some of the heaviness in wcz's face lifts. he nods, once. "Yes."

"Yes, so, don't feel bad for caring. It's good that you care." wwx reaches for a towel and begins drying himself off. "You don't have to think of me as your son if you don't want to, but you can if you'd like."

wcz takes a deep breath and sighs. "I would like that," he agrees.

just as wwx finishes donning dry, warm robes, he hears someone enter the cold springs area.

"Wei-xiansheng," lwj bows to wcz in greeting. then he looks at wwx. "Wei Ying," he calls in a softer tone.

wwx can't help smiling. "How did your meeting with your uncle go?"

"It went well," lwj says as he helps wwx put his cloak on. then he leans close to ask quietly, "How are you feeling?"

wwx can't help glancing at wcz, who is watching them with a measure of suspicion. "I feel better," he whispers back. "Less achey."

lwj nods. "Good." he pulls the cloak a little tighter around wwx and makes sure wwx's wet hair isn't sticking to his neck.

"A-Zhan," wcz calls, a touch too loud. "I never got the chance to ask you before: how did you and my son meet?"

lwj hesitates for the briefest moment, then he turns and bows to wcz again. "Wei Ying offered shelter to me and the junior disciples I was monitoring during a difficult night-hunt. That is how we met."

"I see." wcz looks him up and down. "And the two of you are now… friends?"

"We are close," wwx answers, and hopes that it's vague enough to appease his father.

it is not. "How long have you been 'close'?" wcz's gaze never leaves lwj. "I don't recall you mentioning anything about him to me or my wife, A-Zhan."

"I've known him for a few months," lwj speaks with his head bowed in wcz's direction. "I was not aware of his full history until recently, but I also would not have said anything to you or Cangse Sanren unless Wei Ying permitted it."

something in wwx goes soft and warm upon hearing that. he wants very much to take lwj's hand or kiss his cheek, but he doesn't want to do so with his father watching.

"So you've gotten 'close' recently." wcz raises an eyebrow. "Is that why you've been gone for an entire month?"

lwj goes very, very still.

"I thought it was suspicious when A-Huan and your shufu couldn't explain why you were absent, but I paid it no mind because it was your family's business," wcz's voice slowly grows sharper, "I never would have imagined it involved my family, too."

"Lan Zhan didn't do anything wrong," wwx protests. "He was just—helping me."

"For a month during winter?" wcz finally looks at wwx. "Now what's so important on a farm that requires an extra pair of hands during winter? And A-Zhan is used to cultivation work—not farm work."

"I—was trying to have a new shed built by spring," wwx says with as convincingly as he can manage. "The town I live in is small, and Lan Zhan was kind enough to stay and help me lift the—the heavy stones and logs!" he elbows lwj. "Right, Lan Zhan?"

lwj doesn't move. "I was helping Wei Ying, yes," he replies.

"And there you have it!" wwx chuckles uneasily. "See! A perfectly good reason for him to stay with me."

"Stay with you?" wcz echoes. "So he didn't stay at an inn? He stayed *with* you? In your home? For a month?"

"Uh—" wwx sputters. "It's for frugality. Surely staying at an inn for a month would be—very pricey—"

"The Lan Sect do not lack for money," wcz states flatly. "A-Zhan has no reason to stay with you for as long as he did. Unless…" he looks at lwj again. "He has ulterior motives."

wwx is at his wit's end. "Why are you doing this?" he asks wcz. "You call him 'A-Zhan' and you stay at the Cloud Recesses every winter. You watched him grow up; you should know his character. How can you suspect that he would treat me poorly?"

the look wcz gives him is so full of disappointment and disapproval that wwx falls silent. "If he has been with you this whole time," he says slowly, "then how come you're injured to the point where walking is painful?"

wwx sucks in a breath through his teeth.

"A-Zhan claims to already know your history—so he is aware of your missing core," wcz continues, "so regardless of how you got injured, if he truly was helping you, then he should have been more careful, more vigilant around you."

"He was!" wwx protests. "He was, I swear!"

"Then please explain to me how you sustained such serious injuries recently under A-Zhan's supposedly-careful watch," wcz says, "and why you haven't gone to a physician about it."

wwx's mouth opens. then closes. he shoots lwj a helpless look.

lwj looks back, equally lost.

they're interrupted by a sing-song voice. "Oh, Wei-gege~" cssr calls from the top of the stairs, just out of view, "are you still down there?"

without taking his eyes off of lwj and wwx, wcz answers, "Yes."

"Oh." a giggle, then the rustling of robes being taken off. "Good~"

wcz bolts up the stairs inhumanly quick. "A-Se!" he roars, "A-Se, NO! There are children here!!"

at the same time, wwx buries his face against lwj's chest and instinctively smacks a hand over lwj's eyes so hard that he's going to have to apologize for it later.

he can hear wcz's frantic, hushed whispers from somewhere on the top of the stairs, followed by another one of cssr's giggles—then her surprised yelp.

after what feels almost suspiciously long, wcz calls out, "Alright, it's safe to look."

wwx peeks out cautiously.

going *up* the stairs is torture—not as much as it would have been if wwx hadn't bathed in the cold spring, but still torture.

he tries to lean subtly against lwj for support as lwj wraps an arm around his waist to help lift some of the weight off his feet.

wcz and cssr are at the top of the stairs. there's a large cloak of black and purple around cssr—as opposed to her usual white with black trimmings. wwx catches sight of something in his father's hand that he recognizes too late as cssr's robes.

he quickly averts his eyes.

cssr, for her part, looks unrepentant. she sticks one bare arm out from under the robe to wave at wwx before wcz grabs her wrist and pulls her hand back.

lwj carefully ensures wwx is standing before he bows. "Cangse Sanren."

"Hello, A-Zhan," cssr cackles. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes," lwj answers.

"Good." cssr beams. "Sleep is very important for body recover and maintenance, so make sure both of you get enough of it." she looks at wwx and—to his utter mortification—waggles her eyebrows knowingly.

wwx's face burns. "Alright, Lan Zhan, time to go."

lwj nods and bows again. "Cangse Saren. Wei-xiansheng. Wei Ying and I will take our leave."

as they leave, cssr coos appreciatively at wcz's still-wet, see-through robes, and manages to grab a handful of his left pec before wcz restrains that hand too with a scolding, "A-Se."

once wwx and lwj return to the jingshi, wwx is grateful and horrified to see that their mattress has been replaced.

groaning, he buries his face in his hands. "Great, now everyone knows we fucked last night."

there's a beat before lwj replies, "Were you… trying to conceal it?"

wwx peeks at lwj through his fingers. "What is that supposed to mean? Were you *not* trying to conceal it?"

lwj glances around the room. "Last night, we were," he says, "not quiet."

wwx's jaw drops. "And whose fault is that?!"

lwj hums. "My fault."

"That's right," wwx declares. "Next time, just cover my mouth or gag me."

there is no missing the flare of desire in lwj's eyes. "Next time."

"Next time as in, not right now," wwx groans. "Right now, I just want to lie down. Help me massage my waist."

all of the cloud recesses knowing aside, the new mattress is just as comfortable as the last. wwx happily lies stomach-down on it and looks expectantly at lwj over his shoulder.

lwj takes a little longer than usual to meet wwx's gaze but he sits down and reaches for wwx's waist.

wwx melts with contentment under lwj's hands. "Oh," he moans. "Yes."

lwj briefly pauses, before resuming the massage. "Did the Cold Springs help?"

"Mmhm," wwx hums. "But I'm still sore. What you did to me can't be resolved through just half an hour of soaking in cold water."

"Mn." lwj undoes wwx's robe just enough to uncover wwx's waist before he starts massaging again. "And your father?"

wwx thinks. "He's not taking it as well as my mother did," he admits. "But. I think he'll be okay."

"He does not seem to approve of us together," lwj says.

wwx looks over his shoulder. "You caught that too, huh. Did you get on his bad side or something?"

lwj shakes his head. "I've always looked up to your father. We have no ill-will between us. It is likely that he is protective."

"But—why?" wwx asks. "He barely knows me."

"He is your father, nonetheless, and it is likely he feels robbed of the time you should have had together." lwj digs his thumbs into wwx's back in a way that makes wwx wince and sigh at the same time.

"So you're saying I should spend more time with him?" wwx asks.

"Mn."

wwx squishes his face against the pillow. "It's not that I don't want to spend time with my parents," he says, "but I'll have less time with you."

lwj pauses in his massaging to lean over and kiss wwx on the cheek.

"Your parents will resume their life on the road when spring comes. Your opportunities to spend time with them will be limited," lwj murmurs against his ear. "But I will stay by your side for as long as you want me to. You will have time to spend with me."

wwx rolls onto his side to look at lwj better. "You keep saying some variation of 'as long as you want me to' or 'as long as you'll let me'. What—are you expecting that someday I will just suddenly *not* want you?"

lwj's hands still against wwx's skin.

"Have I spoken wrongly?" lwj asks.

"No, no, it's not that." wwx shakes his head. "It's just—if I'm being honest, I don't see a future without you, and… I don't want you thinking that I'm fickle with your feelings."

lwj gives him a long, solemn look. "I do not think that."

wwx nods. "Alright, good." he takes lwj's hand in his. "No more of this 'as long as you'll let me' stuff, alright? We're staying together."

lwj looks at their hands. "Mn."

wwx pats his hand. "Good." he lies back down.

after a beat, lwj puts his hands on wwx's waist again.

it takes two additional days for wwx to fully recover. fortunately, their new mattress is the perfect balance between softness and support. wwx sleeps like a baby in lwj's arms.

lqr, lwj reports, is aware of wwx's identity.

with lwj's word and the backing of lxc's reports on the interesting outcomes of a particular suspected spy's interrogation, apparently lqr sat down for a good five minutes before saying, "I wondered why he looked so much like Cangse Sanren."

so. there's that.

in light of the news, lxc has arranged for a collective dinner with both families—as a reunion, of sorts.

wwx cannot help feeling a little nervous. he can't remember the last time he'd eaten a meal alongside his parents—and lqr and lxc will be there too, judging his manners.

he doesn't how how formally to dress, but he settles on a nice set red and black robes that lwj had bought for him.

some of his nerves evaporate once they arrive at the table and wwx sees his mother already seated, happily chewing through a bowl of roasted, salted peanuts.

once she spots him, she grins with her cheeks full, waves, and gestures for him to sit down in the chair next to his father.

wwx sits down. lwj bows in greeting to wcz and cssr before taking the seat next to him.

wcz looks more tense than wwx saw him last and is somewhat avoiding direct eye contact, but he greets wwx with, "Hello, Ying-er."

wwx's insides feel like warm putty. "Hello, a-die," he replies.

wcz nods and visibly relaxes a little.

lxc starts off the dinner with a—thankfully brief—welcoming speech for wwx, expressing joy for wwx's reunion with his parents and wishing him happiness moving forward.

while it was a polite gesture that he appreciates, wwx is relieved when food is brought to the table.

there is a wide variety of dishes—with a few yunmeng-inspired ones.

upon seeing the surprise on wwx's face, lwj simply says, "Your parents have stayed here for many winters."

wwx grins and waits for lqr to reach for some food before he helps himself to some braised chicken.

wcz doesn't take any food for himself; he first serves cssr, carefully picking the best out of each dish to place in her rice bowl.

cssr gazes up at him adoringly all the while and rewards him with a kiss on the cheek for each piece of food given.

once her bowl is full, wcz glances at wwx, who has already polished off the braised chicken piece he took.

"Do you like it?" wcz asks, picking up another piece and moving it to wwx's bowl. "Here—"

his chopsticks nearly collide with lwj's, who was about to give wwx some fish.

lwj backs down first, temporarily placing the piece of fish in his own bowl.

wcz gives him a stony look, but he doesn't say anything other than a few mumbled words that wwx should eat more as wcz piles more food into his bowl.

wwx smiles at lwj once lwj can finally give him the piece of fish. he eats it first, earning him a soft, fond look from lwj.

wcz, thankfully, has temporarily stopped paying attention; he's too busy listening to his wife chatter on about her latest adventures in caiyi town.

wwx is about halfway through his food when he notices that lqr hasn't eaten a second bite since starting the dinner.

he glances at lwj, who nods. so lwj noticed too.

after a while, lxc clears his throat. "Shufu, are you well? Shall I have something milder prepared for you?"

lqr shakes his head. "I am well, Xichen. There is no need to worry about me."

lxc nods. "If shufu says so." he reaches over to refill everyone's teacups.

once lxc is finished, lqr clears his throat. "Since we are all here, we may as well discuss some important matters."

five pairs of eyes turn to lqr. chopsticks still in everyone's hands.

lqr clears his throat again. "I admit I disapprove of how things have unfolded thus far," he says, "but if Wangji and Wei Ying follow proper courtship etiquette, then I have no objections to their marriage."

wcz, who was peering at lqr warily from over the rim of his teacup, accidentally inhales his tea and begins violently coughing.

cssr scoots closer to pat on his back and rub his chest. "There now, Wei-gege. Just breathe," she says. "If you see a light, don't go towards it."

"Qi—" wcz wheezes. he gives one strong, final cough. "Qiren, what is the meaning of this?" he gasps. "What is this talk of *marriage*? I was not made aware—"

"Marriage! Wangji, are you certain?" lxc's brows are furrowed. "I was aware of—oh, but this is very sudden—"

"Did I hear wrong?" lqr gives wwx a look that is both confused and accusatory. "When we met that night, you told me yourself that you were willing to marry—"

"I did! And I still am!" wwx hurries to correct him. "But I was planning on discussing this—"

"Wei Ying," lwj sounds agitated. "I do not understand. What is—"

"Ooh, more food!" cssr beckons at a servant who is hiding outside the room with a tray of food—and is clearly regretting their personal timing. "Is it something sweet this time?"

"Qiren, I demand an answer," wcz starts standing up. "If you think that Ying-er is just going to marry A-Zhan, then—"

lqr also starts to stand up. "Do you have anything against Wangji? Wei Ying also isn't—"

"Food's here!" cssr says very loudly. "Time to sit down and eat!"

both lqr and wcz sit down in sync. they don't outright glare at each other, but the stony glances they throw each other's way is telling enough.

the new dish brought on is steamed and sugared lotus root with sweet sticky rice, but wwx finds himself not very hungry for it.

this time, it's cssr who clears her throat. "Well, that was—entertaining. But as much as I love to see you boys fight, I'd rather it not be over our children's own decisions."

"Marriage is a family matter," wcz says testily, "and one that cannot be made on a whim."

cssr raises an eyebrow at him. "Have you forgotten that we eloped?"

wcz stares back at her. "Have you forgotten that, at the time, neither of us had living family members whom our marriage would have affected?"

"Ah…" cssr clicks her tongue. "Fair point."

"I will not tolerate an elopement," lqr declares, giving lwj a pointed look. "Much of this has been done improperly and out of order. If you have any filial sense of duty, Wangji, then you will ensure your wedding and marriage abide by propriety."

"Lan-xiansheng has such a sense of irony," wcz says, deceptively calm, "considering how well abiding by propriety served the last Lan marriage."

cssr slams her hand on the table hard enough to rattle the bowls and dishes. "Wei Changze!"

everyone at the table falls silent. watching. not one person moves. lxc's chopsticks are still in his mouth.

finally, cssr smiles. it's not a friendly smile. it reminds wwx of the smile he wore back when he carried chenqing in one hand and the stygian tiger seal in the other.

"This is not a fitting topic while we're sharing a meal with the children," she says softly, looking back and forth between wcz and lqr. "We will discuss this later—*after* we've finished all this nice food that was prepared for us. How does that sound?"

wcz nods.

lqr grumbles.

"There is no need."

all heads turn towards lwj.

lwj has placed his chopsticks neatly on top of his empty bowl and is staring at it. "A discussion will not be necessary," he says, almost too quiet to be heard. "There will be no marriage."

the silence that follows is deafening, but not nearly as deafening as the sound of wwx's own heartbeat in his ears.

"Well," cssr sits down and picks up her chopsticks. "I am sorry to hear that, A-Zhan, but I respect your choice."

lwj nods, just the barest tilt of his head.

wwx makes himself eat the rest of the food in his bowl despite it tasting like ash in his mouth. lwj, mercifully, does not try to put more food in his bowl.

the dinner ends on a quiet note, with everyone filing out of the dining room and into the snow-covered courtyard.

"Quite the dinner, huh?" cssr says, sliding in beside wwx. "We all learned a bit of something none of us knew before."

wwx can only nod. he's not sure if he can find the words—or if he even wants to.

cssr takes his arm. "Let's go for a walk," she says.

as they walk, they go past wcz and lwj. wwx manages to catch a part of their conversation.

"… apologize for my words," wcz says. "I spoke harshly on your family matters."

lwj shakes his head. "Wei-xiansheng did not speak any falsehoods. You are right to be wary in regards…"

wwx tries to slow down, to hear more, but he gets tugged along by cssr.

there's a nice garden right by the guest dining hall. it's filled with plum blossoms on the verge of blooming.

cssr sits him down on a bench under the tree with the heaviest buds.

"You know what a common misconception about marriage is?" she asks.

right to the point, then. wwx doesn't know whether to be grateful or miserable. he shakes his head.

"The assumption that being married will magically make a relationship better," she says. "It will not."

"The truth of the matter," she continues, "is that the relationship you had before the wedding will be the exact same relationship you return to after the wedding. Not much will change."

wwx looks at her. "So," he rasps out, "what are you saying?"

"What I'm saying," cssr reaches up to tuck a lock of his hair behind his ear, "is that if you're happy and content with your relationship with A-Zhan now, then… consider, maybe, that the two of you do not need to be married."

wwx swallows. he stares down at his shaking hands.

"How did you decide to marry my father?" wwx asks.

cssr pauses, then tilts her head thoughtfully. "I love him very much," she answers. "And I want to be with him, always."

"Ah." wwx nods. "Alright. So. Exactly how I feel. That is very helpful."

instead of remarking on wwx's sarcasm, cssr hums sympathetically. "It's not easy, is it. If being married is what you truly desire, then you and A-Zhan will have to talk about it sooner or later. And if the two of you can't agree on a way forward…"

then they would have no future together. wwx knows this.

"That won't happen." wwx wrings his hands together. "If Lan Zhan does not want to be married to me, then—that's alright. What's a wedding anyways besides red robes and dumb symbolism."

cssr inhales. "A-Xian."

wwx holds up a hand, stopping her. "No, it's alright. Truly. Lan Zhan is everything I could have asked for and more. I don't—I don't need to be married to him as proof of that. And why am I thinking of such a scenario, anyways? We didn't… we never even said…" his voice fades.

cssr takes his hand in hers. "Does he make you feel wanted?" she asks quietly.

wwx nods. "Yes," he whispers.

"Does he make you feel safe?"

"Yes."

"Does he take care of you?"

"Yes."

"Then," she squeezes his hand, "I think it's safe to assume he loves you."

wwx nods, swallowing. "Yeah," he croaks. "Yeah. And—that is enough for me."

cssr sighs. "Oh, A-Xian, that is not—"

the sound of approaching footsteps cut her off. lwj emerges from among the plum trees. "Wei Ying," he says, holding his hand out, "It is getting late."

wwx looks up at him, then at his hand.

cssr nudges him with her elbow. "Go on," she encourages, before leaning over and smooching him on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow, alright? Have a good night, you two."

wwx watches her go, his cheek still tingling a little from her kiss.

he doesn't realize he hasn't taken lwj's hand until he hears lwj say, "Wei Ying?" in a soft, uncertain tone.

such a tone does not fit lwj. wwx looks up at him, smiles, and takes his hand.

lwj tugs him to his feet. "Wei Ying," he says, "about today's events…"

"Ah." wwx begins walking away, pulling lwj behind him. "Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. I didn't expect your shufu to put you on the spot like that."

lwj hurries after wwx. "I didn't expect it either," he says. "Wei Ying, shufu said you told him—"

"Oh, your shufu's getting old. His hearing must be going; after all, he didn't even hear my mother creeping into his room and shaving his beard," wwx talks on, "If I were you, I wouldn't pay any mind to his—"

"Wei Ying," lwj says, "marriage would not suit us."

ah.

well.

there it is.

wwx forces himself to look at lwj, forces himself to keep his face free of any tension. "Marriage?" he laughs. "Ah, so forward, Lan Zhan. If you do not think marriage is a good choice for us, then I believe you."

lwj inhales. "Have you," he asks, "been… hoping?"

wwx dares not answer that question truthfully—not when the red silk handkerchief he has always carried with him feels like it is branding his skin from where it sits within his robes.

he shrugs instead. "Not really."

((yet another broken part of the thread 😔😔 here's a working tweet. remember to scroll up))

https://twitter.com/cerbykerby/status/1585502204466561024

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