If you’re always trying to read people’s emotions or wonder if someone is upset with you, you might have an insecure attachment style.
HERE’S WHAT THAT MEANS 🧵:
If we are born into a born into a home where a parent: is unpredictable, withdrawing (gives silent treatment), has anger explosions, or has us “walking on eggshells,” we learn to constantly perceive that parent’s emotions.
We do this in order to stay safe.
By becoming hyper-fixated on our parents: emotions, tone of voice, body language, etc. our brain is attempting to make sense of the situation.
And our nervous system is on high alert because we didn’t experience secure attachment.
When we’ve had to do this for years as children, this becomes our habit or pattern as an adult.
We might: over analyze conversations, always think someone is mad at us, or fear that we are saying or doing something wrong.
For example: we’re out with friends and we tell a story and one of our friends sighs.
Afterwards, we think about what that sigh meant. Or how we offended them. We search for the meaning in everyone’s actions.
The issue is: our role as adults isn’t to find the meaning behind people’s actions.
This is simply a coping mechanism we’ve developed from a dysfunctional home.
As adults, we are responsive for openly communicating our issues or problems.
And, we are not responsible for the emotions of other adults.
To heal, it’s important to understand healthy emotional responsibility.
This looks like:
- if someone’s upset, they’ll need to directly communicate this to me
- if I’m upset, I need to directly communicate this to other people
- rather than assuming someone’s emotional state (like I did as a child) as an adult, I ask.
- if I ask and someone says nothing is wrong I honor this as truth, not as an invitation to keep guessing or digging.
- if I have upset someone, that’s ok. Adults are capable of being upset. It no longer means I’m unsafe or “bad” like it did as a child.
- if someone’s upset me, it’s ok for me to speak up for myself. This is how I establish boundaries.
When we have insecure attachment patterns our mind may often fixate on people’s emotions to cope.
It’s important to consistently remind ourselves we are safe, and to stop playing our childhood roles.
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If you were “mature for their age” you might have been parentified. Parentification is when a child is made to fill an adult role.
This is an “invisible” trauma that has life long impact.
HERE’S WHY: 🧵
Parentification is an extremely common family dynamic where children are expected to: manage their parents emotions or issues (most common is marital problems), take care of the home & siblings on a regular basis, or act as a peer to a parent.
Many parents aren’t aware they’re doing this for several reasons:
1. They were parentified themselves
2. They’re overwhelmed & lack support
3. They don’t know/understand the language & culture so they depend on their children
In relationships that end, one thing is always lacking:
Appreciation.
WHY APPRECIATION MATTERS:
Most people grew up in homes where their talents, traits, and unique quirks went unseen or unnoticed. This leaves people with an even deeper desire to be seen and appreciated by their partner.
In partnership, people have subconscious beliefs around what a partner should do. Ex: "provide."
But what every person is looking for is: someone genuinely who appreciates who they are.
They can: stand up for themselves, express their feelings, and are capable of being misunderstood.
Because their main goal is not to people please, they are skilled communicators who respectfully get to the point. People around them feel safe because they do not give mix messages.
The parentified son believes his role is to keep everyone around him happy. But inside he's drowning in doubt and wonders if he'll ever meet someone who appreciates him for who he is, not what he can do for them.
The parentified son was the "little man" of the house when he was just a child. He felt the weight of his mother's stress and stopped showing any fear or sadness because she looked to him to comfort her. He still feels he's responsible for her life choices.
The parentified son is filled with anger from his childhood emotional neglect. It comes out when he snaps at his partner or his children who walk on eggshells around him. He hates how he reacts, but no one ever taught him to regulate his emotions.
The end result of childhood trauma is: an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
You think you need to fix everyone and everything.
Here's How To Break Free:
Growing up in a chaotic, unstable, or unpredictable environment creates a core belief that we have to fix everything and everyone around us.
We learn early that we have to depend on ourselves. And that if we somehow become everything to everyone (or "easy" enough) we'll get the stability we have always craved.