Thread by @Theholisticpsyc

If you’re always trying to read people’s emotions or wonder if someone is upset with you, you might have an insecure attachment style.

HERE’S WHAT THAT MEANS 🧵:

If we are born into a born into a home where a parent: is unpredictable, withdrawing (gives silent treatment), has anger explosions, or has us “walking on eggshells,” we learn to constantly perceive that parent’s emotions.

We do this in order to stay safe.

By becoming hyper-fixated on our parents: emotions, tone of voice, body language, etc. our brain is attempting to make sense of the situation.

And our nervous system is on high alert because we didn’t experience secure attachment.

When we’ve had to do this for years as children, this becomes our habit or pattern as an adult.

We might: over analyze conversations, always think someone is mad at us, or fear that we are saying or doing something wrong.

For example: we’re out with friends and we tell a story and one of our friends sighs.

Afterwards, we think about what that sigh meant. Or how we offended them. We search for the meaning in everyone’s actions.

The issue is: our role as adults isn’t to find the meaning behind people’s actions.

This is simply a coping mechanism we’ve developed from a dysfunctional home.

As adults, we are responsive for openly communicating our issues or problems.

And, we are not responsible for the emotions of other adults.

To heal, it’s important to understand healthy emotional responsibility.

This looks like:

- if someone’s upset, they’ll need to directly communicate this to me

- if I’m upset, I need to directly communicate this to other people

- rather than assuming someone’s emotional state (like I did as a child) as an adult, I ask.

- if I ask and someone says nothing is wrong I honor this as truth, not as an invitation to keep guessing or digging.

- if I have upset someone, that’s ok. Adults are capable of being upset. It no longer means I’m unsafe or “bad” like it did as a child.

- if someone’s upset me, it’s ok for me to speak up for myself. This is how I establish boundaries.

When we have insecure attachment patterns our mind may often fixate on people’s emotions to cope.

It’s important to consistently remind ourselves we are safe, and to stop playing our childhood roles.