I managed to get a copy of Twitter's new policies. Here are the top ten biggest changes:
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10. We have streamlined the process to report violations of our safety policy. To notify our staff about any threat of violence, abuse, hateful conduct or offensive language, the user only has to answer one question:
"Did you die, tho? "
9. Black Twitter will now have its own platform, complete with separate staff, offices, pay scales, gifs and even separate water fountains! Please don't worry...
White Twitter will still be stealing content.
It'll be lit, Boo!
8. We're working on much-requested features, including a "dislike" button, a way to untag yourself in a thread & a tab that automatically tweets "not all white people."
We're also partnering with Google to build a bot that finds & deletes your racist tweets from HS
7. No insurrection-planning allowed*
*Unless you REALLY want to. It's not like we're gonna check
6. Verified accounts are now limited to:*
A. celebrities
B. politicians
C. People who are prominent in their field
D. Tesla owners**
E. Women ranked 8 or higher
*Content sponsored by Tesla and the Elon Musk Private Jet Flight Attendant Academy
**Insane Mode subscribers only
5. We are DEFINITELY reading your DMs
4. Because we believe in free speech, Musky Twitter will no longer censor racist tweets. However, tweets referring to racism, white supremacy, or placing the word "white" next to the word "people" will automatically be flagged as hate speech.
No Tesla slander will be allowed
3. Ain't nobody got time for no fact-checking shit!
2. Introducing the Cancel Culture Control Board!
VP of Investigation: Special Agent Lt. Herschel Walker
Health info Dir: Nikki Minaj's cousin's friend
Chief Content Overseer of Negroes (Chief COON): The white man who tells Candace Owens what to think
VP of Inclusion: Lil Boosie
1. Moving forward, Twitter will be pronounced with a "hard R."
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Many people don’t know that the phrase “crabs in a barrel” comes from an old Geechie Gullah tale.
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A long time ago, it was impossible to catch crabs. They were too crafty. Even when they got caught in a net, other crabs would come and free them. Then, one day, a fisherman found a crafty old crab in his net one morning. He was just about to eat it when the the crafty old crab said:
“Please Mr. Fisherman, don’t eat me. Please don’t eat me!”
“Why wouldn’t I eat you?” said the fisherman
“Because I’m crafty, old, & other crabs respect me,” the crab replied.
Fisherman: What good does respect do me? You ain’t nothing but a crab”
Crafty Crab: Well crabs are very stupid, and I’m smart. They’ll believe anything I tell them
7 years ago, I wrote a small piece about a man who was falsely accused of a crime.
A few days later, I got an anonymous telling me to look up the woman they called “the evilest white woman on earth.”
What happened next is the absolute wildest story you’ll ever hear
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The story begins in 2017, when an editor asked me to fill in for a coworker and do a quick write-up about Lamonte McIntyre, who spent 23 yrs in prison for a double murder he didn’t commit.
I thought it was weird his conviction wasn’t actually overturned
Contrary what people who don't read things say, the Virginia legislature is not "targeting" the Klan-affiliated, pro-Confederate hate group that is responsible for the "lost cause" by taking the tax-exempt status from the KKK's little sister.
See, in 1950, Virginia GAVE the UDOC a plot of land to build their HQ in Robert E Lee Park with 3 stipulations
1. They had to finish building in 5 years 2. If they didn't, the land reverted back to the state 3. If they finished, the state would GIVE them an additional $10K
In 1924, lawmakers tasked the census bureau was tasked with figuring out the “national origins of the white population of the US.”
If white people were from a certain country, that country was considered “Good.” Nonwhite people were from “bad countries.”
To preserve the country’s racial composition, they created a formula. Ppl from good countries could immigrate based on the % of pop. in the formula. Immigration from bad countries was limited.
And no Asians
This was why we call it the Asian Exclusion & National Origins Act
In 1952, they changed the formula to allow people from “bad countries” to immigrate at a minimum # 100
Except for Africans. Under the formula, ALL of Africa was considered 1 country
In 1965, civil rights activist convinced LBJ to sign the Immigration & Nationality Act
First of all, there is a good reason why Elon referred to Duke. It's part of a discussion began by Ben Shapiro and some other white people after a white girl said some things about Duke Medical School's DEI program
By its own admission, the school has a DEI program.
Duke Medical School is 12.5% Black and US News ranks it as the 5th best medical school in America. Nationwide, Black students make up 10% of medical students.
25 years ago, Duke was ranked 6th and was 9% Black. In 2005, the medical school was 15% Black.
Three years ago, I realized one of my lifelong dreams that reflects the racial progress this country has made throughout its history.
I became a diversity hire.
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Growing up, I ABSOLUTELY LOVED stand-up. As a kid, I watched episodes of "Evening at the Improv) & once got in trouble for listening to Richard Pryor (Even worse, I dubbed it over my grandma's James Cleveland album).
And I LOVED Late-night TV.
Every night, my mom would even record Johnny Carson's monologue for me (This was BEFORE VCRs. She would literally put a cassette tape recorder by the TV & hit record).
I swung on a college roommate once because he turned off my favorite show – David Letterman