Thread by @michaelharriot

I managed to get a copy of Twitter's new policies. Here are the top ten biggest changes:

A thread.

10. We have streamlined the process to report violations of our safety policy. To notify our staff about any threat of violence, abuse, hateful conduct or offensive language, the user only has to answer one question:

"Did you die, tho? "

9. Black Twitter will now have its own platform, complete with separate staff, offices, pay scales, gifs and even separate water fountains! Please don't worry...

White Twitter will still be stealing content.

It'll be lit, Boo!

8. We're working on much-requested features, including a "dislike" button, a way to untag yourself in a thread & a tab that automatically tweets "not all white people."

We're also partnering with Google to build a bot that finds & deletes your racist tweets from HS

7. No insurrection-planning allowed*

*Unless you REALLY want to. It's not like we're gonna check

6. Verified accounts are now limited to:*

A. celebrities
B. politicians
C. People who are prominent in their field
D. Tesla owners**
E. Women ranked 8 or higher

*Content sponsored by Tesla and the Elon Musk Private Jet Flight Attendant Academy

**Insane Mode subscribers only

5. We are DEFINITELY reading your DMs

4. Because we believe in free speech, Musky Twitter will no longer censor racist tweets. However, tweets referring to racism, white supremacy, or placing the word "white" next to the word "people" will automatically be flagged as hate speech.

No Tesla slander will be allowed

3. Ain't nobody got time for no fact-checking shit!

2. Introducing the Cancel Culture Control Board!

VP of Investigation: Special Agent Lt. Herschel Walker
Health info Dir: Nikki Minaj's cousin's friend
Chief Content Overseer of Negroes (Chief COON): The white man who tells Candace Owens what to think
VP of Inclusion: Lil Boosie

1. Moving forward, Twitter will be pronounced with a "hard R."