Thread by @Theholisticpsyc

I spent years as a couples therapist.

I saw one common theme that always created conflict.

This one change can completely transform your relationship, but it takes work.

HERE'S HOW TO START🧵:

When couples came to see me, their main problem wasn't the problem they thought it was.

The actual problem was: lack of communication.

I found over and over again, that most couples had never had difficult conversations around things necessary to create a life together.

Instead, they avoided these issues. And hoped they would work themselves out.

This stems from childhood where we watched parents avoid conversations, deny issues, or just expect our partners to be on the same page.

The truth is: we can't be on the same page without consistent communication.

Before committing someone, we need to know where they stand on issues like:

- how money is viewed and spent
- the boundaries you'll both have with family
- how you'll make both "big" and "small" decisions
- the roles you'll play within the relationship

- the core values of your partnership
- if you want children AND your beliefs about how children will be raised
- how you both view sex and intimacy
- your short term and long term vision as a partnership

Remember, these conversations won't be easy.

You might feel uncomfortable. And even want to avoid them: especially if these types of conversations were avoided in your family.

Ex: someone who never heard their parents talk about money (or only heard them argue about money) might feel extremely uncomfortable having an open conversation about budgeting.

That ok. This takes practice and self compassion.

Here's important questions each person in a partnership should be asking each other:

1. How are we going to approach spending, saving, banking, and overall financial decisions?

2. How often do you believe people in a healthy partnership have sexual intimacy? How important is intimacy for you?

3. What boundaries do you currently have with family? And what boundaries with family will we create as a couple?

Ex: "we will not discuss our marital issues with members of our family."
- "we ask family members to speak to us before dropping by, unannounced."
- "if our family is giving us unsolicited advice, we kindly (and firmly) tell them we're not seeking it."

4. How will we make decisions as a partnership?

Ex: if the decision involves both of us, we make a time to openly discuss before any decision is made

5. What are our core values? (what do we believe in as a partnership)

Ex: we value fitness and prioritize it in our lives
- we value travel and make sure we budget for it
- we value openness and transparency
- we value supporting each other in our careers

6. Do we want children? If so, what is our plan for when we'll have children and how to we believe that children should be raised
- the roles we will play in their lives
- how parenthood will be navigated
- the life vision we have for our family

7. What is our vision for the next 5 years as well as our long term (overall vision)

This question involves asking where you see both of you in the partnership and what your life will look like short term and long term.

It's also worth noting, that these are *not* one time conversations.

As we grow, evolve, and age, these things will change.

Ex: when you first begin dating, career is prioritized. Later, we prioritize time with family.

Think of these things as an ongoing conversation.

Stay open and receptive.

Couples who engage in these conversations are: more connected, more fulfilled, feel safe, and are more likely to stay together.

If you found this thread helpful follow: @Theholisticpsyc

I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.