Victoria Brownworth Profile picture
Nov 21 11 tweets 3 min read
I got a text to do pre-check-in for #TheWife's chemo scheduled for Monday as I always did. A glitch in the system that sent me into a paroxysm of sobbing, calling to her and feeling as if I my heart would explode from the searing pain of her loss. Grief is an undertow.
1/🧵
Sunday has been the hardest day. Sundays have been hard for me since childhood, but this Sunday was excruciating. There was no one here all day. Just me and the vastness of the empty space where The Wife should be. Her presence was so huge, even sick she was so dynamic.
2/🧵
The Wife was so funny all the time. And we were funny together. It got us through the worst times. But our love for each other was huge--a cocoon,but never suffocating. It kept us safe from all the terriblenesses of her cancer,my illness, the relentlessness of homophobia.
3/🧵
The #ClubQ mass shooting took me back to covering the Pulse shooting. The Wife was with me through that. She also nurtured her students through that--they were shaken by the violence and the suddenness. The youngest victim was an 18 year old from Philly who'd just graduated.
4/🧵
We are taught to look away from grief because people's grief is raw and messy and hard to fathom. We don't know what to say, how to be around loss. I want us to learn to be around loss. When I was in 8th grade, the oldest brother of a classmate was killed in a car accident.
5/🧵
A few months later the mother of my closest friend dropped dead of a heart attack at 38. The boy's viewing was at home. The open coffin set up in their enclosed porch. It was pouring rain that day and the scene was shockingly intimate. Even at 13 I knew this was intense.
6/🧵
At the graveside of my friend's mother, her Italian immigrant grandmother was wailing and keening--much like I was just hours ago--and had to be restrained from throwing herself into the grave. It's a scene I shall never forget. But I totally understand the emotions.
7/🧵
We can't protect ourselves from grief--nor should we. Think of all the grief from the pandemic that was hidden from us. I saw Erin Burnett break down on air one night--a woman who had covered wars was interviewing a woman about her husband's death--he was a beloved teacher.
8/🧵
Burnett suddenly sobbed as the woman read a love letter from her husband. The couple had children. Whether it was the similarity of their ages and their children's ages or just the impact of covering the pandemic, it was a moment of total realness and unvarnished emotion.
9/🧵
We need more moments like this. Less dispassionate renderings and more honest emotion. More acknowledgement that other people's losses touch us and also scare us. What if that happens to me? Talk about loss, about grieving,about pain. Maybe that will make it less terrible.
10/🧵
I don't know what to do with my grief and how much of it there is. And so here I am doing what I do--writing. I'm used to telling other people's stories. Now I am telling our story --The Wife's and mine. I know how special she was and lucky we were to have the love we have.
11/🧵

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh
 

Keep Current with Victoria Brownworth

Victoria Brownworth Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

PDF

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @VABVOX

Nov 20
7 days, 18 hours, 39 minutes ago my beloved, known on here as #TheWife, died suddenly of cardiac arrest. Many knew she was valiantly fighting a rare, aggressive cancer. I wrote this obit in tribute to her and us.
1/ 🧵

Madelaine “Maddy” Gold: 11/12/2022 mcilvainefuneralhomes.com/2022/11/14/mad…
Many have already read this, but others have not. Friends, family, students and colleagues--please post on the site if you feel able. The messages are amazing and comforting. I am adrift in my grief and so grateful for everyone's support. Y'all are THE best. Thank you.
2/🧵
The Wife loved cats. She spent years helping me run our cat shelter until my paralysis made it infeasible to continue. But she continued to maintain the feral colony until these last months. Her cats, our cats, the colony cats will all miss her.😿
#Caturday
#CatsOfTwitter
3/🧵
Read 4 tweets
Nov 18
Navigating widowhood --what a peculiar 19th century word--is itself shocking. I reached out to a widow and a widower I know from us following each other on here. Both famous, both incredibly generous with their counsel, each trying to keep me from being pulled under.
1/🧵
Grief is an undertow. She should be in the bed next to me. She shouldn't have left me. She promised she'd beat this. I promised I'd protect her. I said I'd take care of her, that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her. But if I'd protected her, wouldn't she still be here?
2/🧵
The foxes have been calling every night since The Wife left me. Deep and mournful, a plaintive question for which there is no answer. Why:? Why did this happen to us and all the other us-es to whom it has happened? Why haven't we found a way to stop this disease yet?
3/🧵
Read 7 tweets
Nov 17
Spent the evening with my sister packing up The Wife's medical supplies for donation. My scientist niece found us a place that can use them that would also make The Wife happy--American Ukrainian Relief Association.
1/🧵
#TheWife
The surgical supply place wouldn't take them back and credit her account. They weren't covered by her health insurance because apparently having a tracheostomy is a whimsical thing. So now,hundreds of dollars of supplies will get used by people who need them. What a relief.
2/🧵
I needed to get the medicalization out of here. The Wife hated it every second. She hated the trach, hated the complications, hated all that was entailed in the daily care. It was torture the last week of her life. She was so brave. I miss her bravery. I miss all of her.
3/🧵
Read 10 tweets
Nov 15
#TheWife
This poem by W.S. Merwin is the perfect evocation of what happens when one loses a spouse–the missing piece leaves you riven. There is nothing that one doesn’t want to share with that person who was supposed to be there, always. Solidarity to all who are grieving.
1/🧵
All the daily things The WIfe and I did together–the quotidian daily things. How much would I give to do those chores with her again. All of it. For even one more day. I shall love you and miss you and long for you always. Until we meet again, my sweet darling girl. xxx
2/🧵
“Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.” –W.S. Merwin
3/🧵
Read 4 tweets
Nov 13
#BREAKING_NEWS: #TheWife
It is with heavy heart and incalculable grief that I announce the sudden and too-soon death of my beloved and adored wife, Maddy, who I always called The Wife here. It’s impossible to articulate the depth of my pain at the loss of her. I am riven.
1/🧵
Many of you followed The Wife's cancer journey here. Your messages of support and love, your prayers and messages of healing I read to her and she loved y'all for your kindness to her, to me, to us. I am meeting with the funeral director at 3pm, but I wanted to let you know.
2/🧵
I will post an obit and a condolence page once the notice is up on the funeral home website. But for now, thank you for all your support and kindness. I shall need more of that going forward. Maddy was the love of my life and we were bonded deeply and forever.
3/🧵
Read 5 tweets
Nov 9
In his speech, Biden struck a balance between cautious optimism and laying out what his agenda is for the next two years to help the American people. No doubt this enraged GOP leadership, but this is what he ran to do: move the US forward.
Biden also said he wants to continue to build the economy "from the bottom up & the middle out."That's how you get people out of poverty,he said. He also said he will not compromise on abortion rights or Social Security. He was succinct. Nor will he compromise on Climate Crisis.
Biden also applauded young voters who "voted in historic numbers" and singled out Florida's Frost who is the youngest person elected to the House and noted how young he was when he was ejected senator at 29. He said America wants compromise, not extremes.
Read 6 tweets

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Don't want to be a Premium member but still want to support us?

Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal

Or Donate anonymously using crypto!

Ethereum

0xfe58350B80634f60Fa6Dc149a72b4DFbc17D341E copy

Bitcoin

3ATGMxNzCUFzxpMCHL5sWSt4DVtS8UqXpi copy

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us on Twitter!

:(