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Victoria Brownworth

@VABVOX

Nov 23

Left here this morning for work, upset after a series of exchanges with people trolling me off #TheWife's obituary in which I noted that she died suddenly. This blew up after and some journalists contacted me to talk about it. I said it had defiled her memory and my grief.
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I also said that these people with their anti-vaxxer agendas are not just benign cranks. These are dangerous people who don't care that their conspiracy theories could literally kill people--and in fact have.
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This group of folks fixating on me and infiltrating my mentions truly added to my grief. I know the COVID vaccine is not what caused The Wife to die suddenly. As I told one reporter, I had been sharing The Wife's cancer story for support and to open dialogue for others.
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Victoria Brownworth

@VABVOX

Nov 21

I got a text to do pre-check-in for #TheWife's chemo scheduled for Monday as I always did. A glitch in the system that sent me into a paroxysm of sobbing, calling to her and feeling as if I my heart would explode from the searing pain of her loss. Grief is an undertow.
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Sunday has been the hardest day. Sundays have been hard for me since childhood, but this Sunday was excruciating. There was no one here all day. Just me and the vastness of the empty space where The Wife should be. Her presence was so huge, even sick she was so dynamic.
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The Wife was so funny all the time. And we were funny together. It got us through the worst times. But our love for each other was huge--a cocoon,but never suffocating. It kept us safe from all the terriblenesses of her cancer,my illness, the relentlessness of homophobia.
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Victoria Brownworth

@VABVOX

Nov 20

7 days, 18 hours, 39 minutes ago my beloved, known on here as #TheWife, died suddenly of cardiac arrest. Many knew she was valiantly fighting a rare, aggressive cancer. I wrote this obit in tribute to her and us.
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Madelaine “Maddy” Gold: 11/12/2022 mcilvainefuneralhomes.com/2022/11/14/mad…

Many have already read this, but others have not. Friends, family, students and colleagues--please post on the site if you feel able. The messages are amazing and comforting. I am adrift in my grief and so grateful for everyone's support. Y'all are THE best. Thank you.
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The Wife loved cats. She spent years helping me run our cat shelter until my paralysis made it infeasible to continue. But she continued to maintain the feral colony until these last months. Her cats, our cats, the colony cats will all miss her.😿
#Caturday
#CatsOfTwitter
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Victoria Brownworth

@VABVOX

Nov 18

Navigating widowhood --what a peculiar 19th century word--is itself shocking. I reached out to a widow and a widower I know from us following each other on here. Both famous, both incredibly generous with their counsel, each trying to keep me from being pulled under.
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Grief is an undertow. She should be in the bed next to me. She shouldn't have left me. She promised she'd beat this. I promised I'd protect her. I said I'd take care of her, that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her. But if I'd protected her, wouldn't she still be here?
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The foxes have been calling every night since The Wife left me. Deep and mournful, a plaintive question for which there is no answer. Why:? Why did this happen to us and all the other us-es to whom it has happened? Why haven't we found a way to stop this disease yet?
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Victoria Brownworth

@VABVOX

Nov 17

Spent the evening with my sister packing up The Wife's medical supplies for donation. My scientist niece found us a place that can use them that would also make The Wife happy--American Ukrainian Relief Association.
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#TheWife

The surgical supply place wouldn't take them back and credit her account. They weren't covered by her health insurance because apparently having a tracheostomy is a whimsical thing. So now,hundreds of dollars of supplies will get used by people who need them. What a relief.
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I needed to get the medicalization out of here. The Wife hated it every second. She hated the trach, hated the complications, hated all that was entailed in the daily care. It was torture the last week of her life. She was so brave. I miss her bravery. I miss all of her.
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Read 10 tweets

Victoria Brownworth

@VABVOX

Nov 15

#TheWife
This poem by W.S. Merwin is the perfect evocation of what happens when one loses a spouse–the missing piece leaves you riven. There is nothing that one doesn’t want to share with that person who was supposed to be there, always. Solidarity to all who are grieving.
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All the daily things The WIfe and I did together–the quotidian daily things. How much would I give to do those chores with her again. All of it. For even one more day. I shall love you and miss you and long for you always. Until we meet again, my sweet darling girl. xxx
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“Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.” –W.S. Merwin
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