Thread by @HeadlessMami

[thread cw: dysphoria, mental self-flagellation]

I have my first appointment for HRT tomorrow.

I didn't really think I'd get here.

I kinda figured I'd spend the rest of my life shitposting about being a boy but never actually following through on anything. Lol. Lmao. etc.

But recently I was able to observe for myself how apparently easy it was-- apparently one of the doctors in our primary care network specializes in this so we just have to go to a different clinic-- and figured fine, time to see what's all this then 🤔

There was always something holding me back though besides the fact that I'm hella lazy and hate effort. In spite of how my nose crinkles every time I get "ma'am"ed at work; in spite of me literally falling in love with my boy-self's reflection in the mirror;

in spite of the fact that I've been binding pretty much since the moment the temps dropped-

I've never felt like I deserved this.

Now I know I know, absence of dysphoria != "not trans enough" or what have you. But I feel it runs deeper than that for me.

I never followed the "traditional" route of "I always felt something was different since I was small" etc. Sure, I wasn't the most femme growing up; preferring Pogs and Matchbox cars to Barbies and sparkles and being lucky that my mom didn't give a shit. Awesome.

But anyone who's known me for long enough knows that I never showed any signs of being unhappy as my AGAB because well, I wasn't I guess?

Until I was.

I don't know when it happened, tbh. It feels like I've been playing a game of chicken with myself, upping the ante until finally something clicked. I can't really discuss the "clicking" at the moment due to privacy concerns but suddenly things felt Right.

But anyway back to the "waaahh I don't deserve this" bit.

As I was telling my best bro the other night, where the majority of trans folks are righting something they feel has been wrong from the get-go, my approach to gender tends more to "oh sick what's this button do".

Basically my gender is: shitpost.

Which is fine and all for laughs on the internet or whatever, but I started texting through tears that I didn't think it was right that because I just happen to be fortunate enough to have good benefits and a decent wage--

-- that I can waltz right in to my PCP who does informed consent and be like "hi yes I would like the transformation serum pls" and get it when folks like him have been praying for the chance to start this shit and can't yet for Life Reasons.

My bully brain's logic: You don't deserve this. You don't NEED it. You just WANT it. Your friends, they NEED it. How selfish of you to flaunt this in front of their faces, you fucking jerk. (#wealth #opulence)

And thankfully I was talked down and reassured that yes, my brain is just being an asshole and nobody is going to look down on me for utilizing the tools at my disposal to help make me happier (and if they do then fuck them squared). I feel a bit better.

I also realize that not having had a therapist since p much the middle of 2020 has REALLY not been the move, especially this past year lmao

really should handle that

But yeah so tomorrow I get to go in and talk to some doc and listen to the pros and cons and ins and outs of this ridiculous shit I'm about to attempt to try and I have zero idea where I want to end up, IF there is an "end up" lmao.

I keep talking about the timelines converging and while part of it is just high shitposting part of me is wondering if I really AM trying to attempt a redo at my late teens/early 20s. A timeline where I understand a lot more about myself and how I tick and why.

A timeline where I understand the ADHD and the autism and how both of them are working in tandem to make every day of my life a struggle. A timeline where I know what RSD is and how to keep it from crippling you with anxiety.

A timeline where there's meds and they're working.

A timeline where I'm in control for once instead of just letting things happen and throwing up a giant /shrug emoji when shit doesn't go the way I want it to.

And to reach that timeline, I have to leave that girl behind. Not that I won't visit every now and then, I guess.

But idk, maybe "because I want it and it will make me happier" IS a valid reason, a valid need.

So yeah, me, I -do- NEED this, and hecc you or anyone else who would dare to tell me otherwise.

Double-A, out. 😎✌️✂️