[thread cw: dysphoria, self-misgendering, general malaise]

it occurred to me the other day that coming out as trans so late in life is not unlike an inverse, fucked-up version of "The Emperor's New Clothes"

except the emperor's not entirely convinced the clothes are real either the royal tailors/seamstresses and the royal court always use the emperor's pronouns, spend lots of time reassuring the emperor that these clothes definitely do exist and fit fine, he doesn't look like a madman

but unlike the OG story, this emperor is plagued with self-scrutiny.

[thread cw: dysphoria, mental self-flagellation]

I have my first appointment for HRT tomorrow.

I didn't really think I'd get here.

I kinda figured I'd spend the rest of my life shitposting about being a boy but never actually following through on anything. Lol. Lmao. etc. But recently I was able to observe for myself how apparently easy it was-- apparently one of the doctors in our primary care network specializes in this so we just have to go to a different clinic-- and figured fine, time to see what's all this then 🤔

[cw: terminal illness]

I woke up this morning to my mom's social worker telling me that she needed me to come meet her at the hospital. Around 11am, I signed the papers giving my permission to admit her to inpatient hospice so that her pain could be better managed. I knew this day was going to come but yet I still wasn't prepared.

She's still barely coherent, a bit agitated, pulling and tugging at her cath and IV tubes and still trying to climb out of bed.

She asked when she was going home. I told her "not yet". I couldn't say "never".

[thread cw: terminal illness, general depression/malaise]

currently sitting on a “beach” beside the river(?) with my earbuds in trying to distract myself from everything and also bc I haven’t seen water nor sand since I got here two weeks ago

my life is one big cloud of static mom’s condition has steadily declined since I got here. her short-term memory has all but disappeared and I’ve found myself having the same conversations with her four and five times.

she keeps rediscovering things like her IV bag and med-dispense button. it’s heartbreaking.

4 1/2 hours till we hit home. Well, my brother’s house, but close enough.

I’m not driving which means I’ve got twitchy twitter fingers so let’s talk Family Reunions Part 2: Even When You Can’t Move We Still
Can’t Find You WTF.

[thread cw: deceased parents, daddy issues~] My brother and I set out for the military cemetery 45 mins outside of town in the early afternoon. We found an office with paper books where one could look up the location of their chosen deceased’s gravesite, as well as an electronic map.

[thread cw: drug abuse, family turmoil]

so less than 24 hours of our arrival in NJ things went completely insane and now that I’ve had some time to calm down and decompress it is once again time to yeet some feelings into the void

buckle up kiddos bc this is a bumpy ride y’all We arrived at my aunt’s house pretty early in the morning after driving straight through the night. I didn’t sleep the whole way but took some naps here and there which was enough. Took some time to settle in, rest our legs and I took a much-needed shower before going to see Mom.