Thread by @imanmbadawi

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On Discipline Without Anger

Several #parents have reached out requesting advice on this. I find this question a little strange, because much of parenting has to do with basic ethics. As adults, we don’t obey those whom we don’t respect. Children aren’t any different…

Without respect, even love isn’t an effective deterrent to negative behavior. So, the real question is — how do parents build respect in the relationship with their children.

First, for child too young to even understand respect, that is a special stage with different rules.

However, for children with enough cognitive and emotional development to recognize when and how respect is to be shown, then fostering it isn’t much different than the adult process.

The following are 10 ways that I’ve fostered respect and positive discipline with my children.

1 If you want to receive respect, show respect.

Yes, child deserve respect.

Don’t raise your voice.

Don’t show disdain, disparage, or use sarcasm.

Don’t do anything that puts the child on the defensive.

For kids, parents should be the safest space in the universe.

2 Treat your spouse with respect.

Be courteous, kind, and careful with your speech and tone. Children pick up on everything. Modeling respect among spouses does 3 things —

(a) teaches children how to express it,

(b) increases their self-respect, and

(c) fosters stability

Many adults don’t even know how to show respect to their spouse, then come asking how to get their children to obey without anger/threats.

I regret to inform you that shows of disrespect between husband and wife are the number one deterent to positive discipline in the home.

Subconscious learning is more effective than direct instruction. Children learn through observation, naturally mimick and automatically pick up patterns. Children don’t interrogate the input they get from parents. That’s what makes it all the more important that it be good.

3 Be morally upright.

Children instinctively respect ethically-conscious adults. Many of my kid’s friends are respectfully “afraid” of me despite always meeting them with a smile. If parents don’t represent values in and out of the home, what is the child supposed to respect?

In households where parents don’t represent values, the implicit lesson is that authority inherently deserves respect, even when they do wrong. That isn’t the message of our Religion. Children will soon discover the hypocrisy and either follow suit or reject authority altogether.

4 If you want to be obeyed, ask for doable things.

Set your child up for success.

The more they get positive feedback for obedience, the more they’ll want to repeat it.

The more they feel that they can’t meet expectations, the sooner they’ll stop trying.

This guideline is especially helpful with difficult children.

Lower the bar, let them win, then gradually raise it.

Discipline isn’t about censure. It’s about developing an internal personal standard

Arabs have a proverb for this one —

إذا أردتَ أن تُطاع فأْمر بالمستطاع

5 Don’t set arbitrarily rules,

or demand things just for convenience or to appease your ego. Set rules that are for the family’s collective benefit & explain the wisdom. Children will be more receptive when they recognize that rules are for the good of the whole family unit.

6 Teach through age-appropriate consequences.

This means that you don’t rescue your child every time they mess up.

They should bear the consequence of a mistake so long as it doesn’t entail severe, harsh, or long-term harm.

This should be done with mercy and instruction.

7 Foster mature boundaries.

Ex. Rule is — I don’t respond to whining. If I hear it, I ignore it. They quickly learned to speak in proper tone. When they’d switch over, I’d emphatically pour on love & attention to emphasize the point. Whining quickly turned to laughter & hugs.

8 Teach children propriety.

We have a simple rule at home. If you ask at the wrong time, the answer will always be NO. They quickly learned that they may not interrupt me while I’m in the middle of something. They should be patient and considerate. Not selfish and insistent.

9 Be consistent.

Anger seems like a quick way to compliance. It’s not. It’s extremely distructive. Discipline takes several trials. It’s cruel and unrealistic to expect a child to learn everything on the first try. They will get it wrong, once, twice, thrice. Totally normal.

What isn’t normal is for a parent to expect otherwise.

If you have anger issues, deal with them. It’s not your child’s issue. It’s yours. Fix it. Don’t take it out on them. If you do, you’ve failed them & yourself. If you don’t have cause to respect yourself, they won’t either.

10 Fear God. This may not make sense to some parents. They think they own their children. Children are a gift from God. He owns them, just like everything in this world. They’re a divine trust. Any harm you might do to another human being is worse when inflicted on your on child.

If parents don’t know how to be ethical, emotionally-balanced adults, it won’t be possible to effect positive discipline in kids. Discipline isn’t about acquiescing to demands. It’s about teaching them what’s required to be mature, ethical, respectable and devout servants of God.

Child are an extension of our soul.

If you love yourself, you’ll love your children.

If you’re merciful to yourself, you’ll be merciful to your children.

If you respect yourself, you’ll respect your children.

Being a good parent is, like many other things, based on being a good human being.

Being a good human being is taught to us by the best prophetic father, the Messenger of God ﷺ

اللهم صلّ وسلّم وبارك على سيدنا محمد وآله

May Allah’s infinite peace & blessings be upon Rasūlullāh, his pure progeny & folk, along with his gleaming companions, illuminated inheritors and all loyal followers until the Last Day.