Thread by @PeteOlusoga

A lovely #NewYear 🧵

Do you want to develop HABITS to become a more SUCCESSFUL version of yourself?

Well here are my top 'life-hacks' for 2023 that will make you an instant SUCCESS and a BETTER human.

You are welcome.

#NewYears #NewYearsResolution #NewYear2023 #RandomCaps

1. WAKE UP EARLY! Getting up at 4am means you're up an hour earlier than those losers who get up at 5. Even if your kid has been awake most of the night and you've had 90 minutes total sleep, rise and shine, you lazy git. You can use the extra hour to be MORE SUCCESSFUL at life.

2. GET 8 HOURS SLEEP EVERY NIGHT. Sleep is... oh, wait, if you're up at 4, that means going to bed at 8. Uh... you'll figure it out, because you want to be SUCCESSFUL, remember!

Maybe soundproof your kid's room so their night terrors won't disturb your sweet, sweet slumber.

3. STICK TO A BEDTIME ROUTINE! No phones, ipads, television, communication with the outside world, or fun of any kind, at least TWO HOURS before bed. So make sure you get anything that requires a screen done before 6!

4. TAKE AN ONLINE COURSE! Ah, okay, well you're gonna have to do this before 6, so looks like the kids are gonna have to get their own tea and cook yours as well. But it'll be worth it when you've learned how to code, or do accounting, or some other random shit you'll never use.

5. REGULARLY POST PICTURES OF YOURSELF SMOKING CIGARS, standing next to cars, and ... uh... eating pizza(?) to show how SUCCESSFUL you are even if you are just a prat. Maybe wear a bathrobe. Everyone will think you very sexy and brilliant and definitely not a massive dickhead.

6. READ 20 PAGES EVERY DAY! Forget about reading for pleasure. That's for losers. Improve your own obviously STUPID life by reading some self-help, life-hack KNOWLEDGE BOMBS written by completely unqualified SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE. You can find half an hour to do that, no problem!

7. EXERCISE DAILY. Move, walk, run, lift weights. Every day. No rest! Rest is for betas. Not sure when you're gonna fit this in, but you're resourceful. Maybe at 4am when you're half asleep? They have 24 hour gyms now and the kids will be fine in the house by themselves!

8. BE GRATEFUL. Even when everything around you is terrible and the earth is dying, be happy that you're not dead, you ungrateful shit. Spend 30 mins every day desperately trying to think of things to be thankful for while the world burns around you. Write it down. Feel better!

9. MEAL PREP! You work full time, so why not spend one day of your weekend filling tuppaware with the same dreary shit for your week's lunches. Don't worry about washing, cleaning, shopping, or interacting with your family or other humans. That won't make you a SUPER SUCCESS!

10. MEDITATE EVERY DAY! Maybe this is what you can do at 4am! Good luck not falling asleep! Although, you won't need luck, just DISCIPLINE!

11. In fact, meditate while taking an ICE COLD SHOWER or ICE BATH every morning. That's what SUCCESSFUL people do... apparently. Lots of proven benefits, and definitely not a total pain in the arse to do.

12. BE WEALTHY! You'll find it much easier to be SUCCESSFUL if you're born into money and don't also have one or more actual jobs to do. All you have to do is not spunk away your entire inheritance and hey-presto, you're self-made! Congratulations on your SUCCESS!

And that's my top tips for being SUCCESSFUL IN 2023. Don't concern yourself with having a social life, spending time with your actual family, having any fun, or, you know, enjoying things...

You can achieve an ill-defined, societally-prescribed version of SUCCESS by forfeiting your right to any pleasure whatsoever and doing all of this stuff whilst also somehow working a a full time, precariously-contracted job.

Happy New Year!
#HappyNewYear!