Thread by @saturnscoded

#kimchayAU #KimChay

In which Porchay's boyfriend cheats on him with Kimhan and he decides to take revenge.

Or

Things get out of control and Chay doesn't know how to stop.

Porchay wants to know what’s so good about him. He needs to know how he draws people in and makes them rush and stumble and stutter when he’s around, what is it with him that just one look would make them blush and giggle? +

He wants to know what is so fascinating, so captivating, and addictive that they wouldn’t care about hurting someone else for him.

But above all of it, he wants to know the reason why P’Van would cheat on him with the one and only Kimhan Theerapanyakul. +

Things were okay between them, they were great and even when Porchay barely had time to spend with his boyfriend because of school and work and his brother, he thought everything was fine. +

Van answered his texts every day and if they had any free time they would call each other and that was enough for Chay to smile until the end of the day.

+

What he hates the most is that he can see it, he sees the appeal and the temptation that he is, he sees the way he walks and moves in the hallways and corridors of their University, +

he sees the way he stares and looks down on people, he experienced it once in his first week and he felt his gaze in his whole body as if he could read him from beginning to end in a couple of seconds. +

He cannot compare to Kimhan, he is an entirely different species, he has everything Porchay could only dream of, he’s hot and smart and rich and everyone wants him, including Van. And he hates him for it.

Chay has cried enough, every day for the last ten days to be exact. +

He's been waking up in the middle of the night with a heaviness in his chest that kept him from breathing but got his cheeks wet and his body trembling. +

He has bit his lips hard enough to break his skin and has been skipping classes because his legs can’t seem to move away from his bed.

He’s broken and right now, everything hurts. +

He can’t understand it, everyone knows about Kimhan’s hookups and one-night stands, everyone knows he doesn’t have to work for it with anyone, that he’s not interested in relationships or anything remotely close to it, so not a surprise that he would kiss someone already taken; +

what his head can’t wrap around is why Van would do this to him. He has seen the picture a million times now, his boyfriend holding onto Kimhan for dear life, eating his face.

+

Porchay tried to fool himself the first twenty minutes: ‘it’s too blurry to tell’, ‘that could not be Van’, ‘he’s too tall and not slim enough’, ‘he doesn’t own those clothes’, and even when the tattoos on his hand matched perfectly, +

‘that cannot be him, not his boyfriend, not the only person who has been there for him for the last six months when his life seemed to be crumbling down and he felt like dying’.

+

But after his heart broke into a million pieces and nothing was left of him after Van broke up with him the moment Porchay confronted him via text, he lost his mind. He’s been trying to hide it from Porsche, his brother has enough on his plate, +

and even when he didn’t like Van to start with, he knows it would hurt him to see him like this.

So he decides on the best next thing.

He’s going to make them regret it. Kimhan Theerapanyakul will fall for him and then Porchay will break his heart just as Van did with his.

He will still him from his ex-boyfriend and then throw him away as if he’s nothing, maybe that will teach him, maybe that will make him cry and beg and apologize or maybe he’s so stupid that he doesn’t see what a waste of time this is, +

how Kimhan would never even turn to look at him and Chay will only make a fool of himself.

But it’s too late to go back now, especially when he’s already stepping into the same club his boyfriend cheated on him, +

wearing what he thinks will catch the youngest Theerapanyakul’s eye, looking for him in the second-floor booths, and when he finds him he feels his gaze on him for a second. He’s been learning as well, about Kimhan and what he likes.

He’s a creature of habits. +

He goes to the same three clubs in Bangkok, all owned by his family. He doesn’t drink much and doesn’t sVan long, he finds what catches his radar and takes it right there and then if he likes it a bit more than usual, he leaves the club with them. +

Porchay wonders how long it took Kimhan to notice Van, he wonders if he kissed and touched and bit long enough to want to take him home, he wonders if Van did, and he wonders if he ever thought of Porchay while doing so. +

Kimhan likes strong girls with a dark and gloomy aura around them, he likes them wearing black and leather but he likes his boys soft, he likes them in pastels and oversize shirts, and he likes them blushing but quiet. +

Van wasn’t any of them that night, he was wearing a band shirt and ripped jeans with those old boots Porchay always makes fun of. Kimhan was frowning and holding his waist in the picture but Van was holding his face with both hands as if he didn’t want to ever let go. +

So that’s what he does, he takes an old black shirt he got in a concert last year and made some holes in it and attached some safety pins all over, he put on his hia’s jeans so they would fit a bit too big on him, he put on some eyeliner and mess up his hair. +

He walks to the middle of the dance floor and starts swinging his hips to the beat of the music, he closes his eyes and puts his arms up wishing the only creep that approaches him tonight is Kimhan Theerapanyakul. +

Porchay closes his eyes because he can’t bear to picture himself like this, trying to seduce someone who wouldn’t even look past him at Uni, someone everyone wants, someone so far from his reach that this whole idea seems like a bad joke now that he’s already committed to it.

+

'Does he look stupid? Are people laughing at him? Are they even looking at him?'

For the longest time, no one other than Ohm would talk to him when he started classes at University, and that was because they arrived together from high school, +

people wouldn’t even look at him, until Van. He was too good to be true, he had this itchy feeling when they first met, and his eyes were cold, but this smile was warm, he shouldn’t have known, someone like him shouldn’t be dreaming about people far from his reach. +

Maybe he’s still at a time to save some face, maybe he needs to stop this shit-shown before his life goes even deeper into the void.

He stops dancing, and Porchay is about to open his eyes when he feels two hands on his hips and hot breath next to his ear.

“Leaving already?”

+

His body shakes. He recognizes the voice, he’s been hearing it for the last ten days and even occasionally before, but he never got him this close.

Three songs. It took him three songs for Kimhan to come down to his booth to approach him.

+

‘Is that good? Or does it mean he would go for anyone who desperately wants him?’

Porchay shakes his head, putting his hands on the top of Kim’s, moving slowly as he gets closer. His nose snugs into his neck, and he wants to cry.

+

“I haven’t seen you around here before,” he whispers on his skin, and Chay feels goosebumps all over his body.

“I haven’t been here before,” he replies, trying to keep his voice from breaking and his mind from crashing.

‘He touched Van like this, and he let him.’

+

“I can tell,” his nose goes up his nape, losing itself in his hair, “I would’ve remembered.”

He wants to laugh. Porchay doubts he even remembers they go to the same school. +

He feels so stupid right now, letting Kimhan touch him all over, flip him around as if he weights nothing, and allowing him to put his arms over his shoulder, he hates himself for faking a smile when their faces get too close +

and his hands hold onto his back as if it was a lifeline.

“What are you doing here, then?” he’s looking at his lips, not even caring if he answers or not.

“My boyfriend cheated on me,” he says, his eyes looking right at Kim’s, “I’m trying to distract myself.”

+

Kimhan’s thumb pulls his bottom lip down, and Porchay takes a deep breath for what it’s coming.

“What a fucking idiot,” he sighs, his eyes following the movement of his lips, “how could cheat on this pretty face?”

+

His hands turn into fists, and Porchay closes his eyes before exploding when he feels Kimhan’s lips crashing into his.

It took Kimhan another two songs to kiss him.

Porchay feels the tears falling down his cheeks, if Kimhan feels them too he says nothing about it. +

Maybe he does care enough to stop or check on him, so Porchay opens his mouth and turns his head to swallow his pain and regret, and heartbreak. He wants to scream and push and pull and hit but he can’t, his brain has gone numb but the rest of his body feels everything. +

He feels Kim’s hands on his sides and his waist, he feels them in his nape and his hair, pulling him closer even when it’s not humanly possible.

He feels hot and soft when Kim touches him, his eyes are still closed when Kimhan’s lips start kissing his wet cheeks and his neck. +

Porchay hisses when he feels him bite the skin on his collarbone, his knees give up, and Kim has to hold him in his arms so he won’t fall. He has never felt like this, not even with Van, not even when they were alone in his house and he would wander under his shirt until +

Porchay would slightly push him away, telling him he was not ready.

But Van didn’t wait for him as he promised, he was weak and he melted in Kimhan’s hands just like he’s doing right now.

“What a fucking idiot,” Kim says under his breath before diving into another kiss.

+

They dance for hours and kiss for some more, but he never asks Porchay to leave with him. Kimhan drives him home, kisses him goodbye at the gate of his house, and disappears into the night as if everything was a dream.

When Porchay finally gets into his room, he cries to sleep.+

He hates Van, he hates Kimhan, but he hates himself the most.

*

He has a plan. He knows Kimhan’s University schedule, he knows the bar where he plays every Friday night, and he knows his favorite restaurant and his hookup spot, +

but bumping into him in his favorite music store is not part of it. He almost forgets that they share some interests, he wishes they didn’t.

“Pretty boy,” Kimhan smiled and Porchay was hoping he wouldn’t remember him.

So he pretends he doesn’t.

+

Chay squints his eyes and tilts his head, looking at Kimhan’s face slowly losing his smile.

“Last week?” he laughs, “at the club? I drove you home.”

“Oh,” Porchay says, followed by a cut silence, and Kim stares at him in disbelief.

+

“I thought I left an impression on you,” he laughs again but hollow, “I guess I need to step up my game.”

A game.

“I was quite drunk,” Porchay lies, “I don’t remember much about that night.”

+

And if he wasn’t so hurt, if he didn’t have to stop himself from calling Van two nights ago, even if he would’ve met Kimhan under different circumstances, he would laugh at the shocked expression on his face.

+

“Sorry,” he says after Kimhan doesn’t move and his mouth starts slowly parting.

“Don’t,” he replies, closing his eyes for a second when he crosses his arms, “let me take you out for dinner,” Kimhan smiles as if he has come up with the greatest idea. +

“I promise you won’t forget this time.”

Porchay doesn’t remember hearing about Kimhan taking people out to dinner other than group gatherings and formal events. Porchay smiles, biting his lips, nodding when Kim raises an eyebrow, +

and shaking his hand when he stretches it out to him. Maybe this will be easier than he thought.

*

He has to admit two things.

The first one, his research is flawed. +

He didn’t have the best sources to start with, only rumors and old stories about him before Porchay even got into Uni, most of them sounded like fantasies anyway.

+

The second one: fancy restaurants are, in fact, overrated and way too complicated to his liking but the food is good. And so is the wine served with the different dishes.

Maybe he can admit one more thing, Kimhan dressed in all black makes him feel weak on the knees.

+

Porchay wonders if he has taken Van to dinner after they broke up, he wonders if he even knows Van was in a relationship before kissing him, he doubts it.

+

There aren't a lot of rumors or stories about a date with Kimhan Theerapanyakul, maybe they were kept a secret with hopes of reaching something else, something better and bigger, perhaps a relationship if Kimhan has ever had any of those.

+

He tries to remind himself of the steps of his plan, but things don’t seem to be his way, so he starts to make a containing plan and looks for a way out but it’s difficult when he can’t stop laughing at how terrible Kim’s jokes are. +

They are lame, Kimhan Theerapanyakul dresses up in a black suit, wears a black neck underneath, and makes lame jokes to his date.

Porchay doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know how to react.

“I’m starting to have the feeling that you’re not laughing at my joke.”

+

Chay explodes. He’s trying to keep it quiet because people start to gaze their way but Kimhan doesn’t seem to care, he has a huge smile on his face and Porchay can feel his cheeks warming up from all the attention he’s getting. +

If Porchay didn’t know him if he didn’t know his ways and how he toys with people to later disregard them as if they were nothing if this really was a first date and they were complete strangers, if his heart wasn’t broken and part of the reason why was sitting in front of him, +

he would’ve believed his eyes and the fond look on his face, he would’ve believed the grouping touches at his hand on the top of the table.

+

But he doesn’t, he wants to erase that cocky smile and piercing eyes he always has, so he bites his lower lips, eyes still on Kimhan as he lifts his glass of wine and drinks the last bit left, and then, Porchay licks his lips. +

The older one follows the movement with his eyes and his smile drops.

He has him now, the mood has changed and they go quiet pretty quickly. He feels Kim’s eyes on him, going from his hands to his mouth, and for a moment, their eyes meet, and Porchay smirks. +

So, when the dessert is placed, he takes his time eating it, the spoon goes smoothly through the chocolate mousse, and Porchay dips his bite into caramel and gets it to his mouth, +

purposely getting the corner of his mouth dirty and letting out little noises that shouldn’t be made in a place like this.

Kimhan stares at him, mouth slightly open. It doesn’t take him long to lick his thumb and reach for Chay’s skin, wiping it clean. +

Porchay pretends it doesn’t affect him, he tells himself that the reason he jumped in his seat is a mere reflex.

After they’re done with the food, Chay calls an uber without Kim noticing, and right when he starts to walk to the parking lot, +

Porchay stops him and asks to hand him his phone, Kim does and the younger one saves his number before handing it back and reaching for his jacket’s flap to pull him close and kiss his lips. +

Chay licks the little gap between his teeth and pushes away with a satisfied smile on his face.

“Still sweet,” he says and giggles at the shocked look on Kimhan’s face.

He leaves him like that, hanging and utterly confused.

+

He’s not sure, but Porchay may have found a weak spot. Kimhan can’t stand rejection or even disinterest. Chay has a wide and content smile on his face, he tells himself that the reason behind it is how close he's getting to making them pay, to teach them a lesson.

+

Porchay had one thing clear when he started this: he won’t go to Kimhan’s place and, most importantly, he won’t sleep with him. It doesn’t matter how much he hates him, it doesn’t matter how much he wants to see him broken and shatter and desperate, +

he won’t let him take anything from him ever again. So the fact that he’s lying on his couch, kissing the hell out of his face with Kimhan laying on top of him, doesn’t make much sense.

+

He had called that morning, telling him he bought that new guitar he was eyeing a long time ago, the one Porchay was also looking at the day they bumped into each other at the mall. +

Two hours later, Chay was playing said guitar and half an hour later, they were making out on the couch. To Porchay’s defense, Kimhan knows what he’s doing and he’s way too good at it, he knows where to touch and caress and kiss to make Chay’s resolution shiver and fall, +

he knows how to slide his hands under his shirt so smoothly he won’t notice until it’s too late, he knows how to wander his lips on his skin, hot to press his teeth on his neck without leaving marks.

+

“You smell so nice,” he breathes on his neck, his words rumbling in his whole body.

The weird thing is, he doesn’t seem to want to take this further.

He sighs contently and rests his head on Chay’s chest while he plays with his hair and stares at the ceiling.

+

'Why? Why does he keep stopping when things get heated? Why does he close his eyes every time Porchay whimpers and sighs and puts up a shitty show just to get him to touch him more? Why is it not working? Is he not worthy at all?'

+

Chay feels him fall asleep, his breathing slows down, and his lips part just a little. The sun is setting and his body aches for the position and the extra weight on him. He looks at his face, he looks calm and rested and even younger from this angle. +

Porchay’s thumb wanders over his eyelids, his cheekbones, and his red lips.

He hates how pretty he looks, he hates how soft and tender is his sleep, he hates how anyone would fall for him if they were in his position, how quickly they would cheat on their partner with his man. +

This beautiful man with rusty hands and a gorgeous voice. He wants to punch him in his perfect face, he wants to scream and fight and cry, but over all of that, he wants Kimhan to regret. +

So he doesn’t move, he lulls him and hums inexistent songs at his ear and when his phone keeps busting up with notifications, he takes it from the edge of the couch to turn it off, only to see messages from an unsaved number he knows too well.

‘Where are you?’

+

‘Why aren’t you answering my calls?’

‘Pick up.’

Porchay feels his throat flooding and he feels like he’s going to puke. He looks down at Kimhan, he’s placidly sleeping on his chest with a smile on his face. Kim is cheating on Van with him. +

He should be glad, this is exactly how he wanted things to go, then why does his skin feel like burning everywhere Kim’s skin touched?

He feels tears rolling down the sides of his face and he doesn’t even know why is he crying about this time.

+

He pretends he doesn’t know because he’s not supposed to. Instead, he pretends to care about everything Kim tells him about, about everything he does and goes. +

He’s been calling every night and talking about anything that pops up in his mind, he’s also been looking for him at Uni, getting him lunch and walking him to his classes, he’s been driving him around and buying him stuff. Porchay lets him, and people are starting to notice.

+

Chay hears the whispers and feels the cold gazes thrown in this direction, but he ignores them. He’s in too deep now, he cannot pull out and run away, he doesn’t care either, it’s not real for him, it’s a means to an end. +

Time is passing by so quickly that it almost feels like it’s fading. Kimhan walks with an arm over Chay’s shoulders and from time to time, he would kiss his cheek. It’s been three months and Porchay doesn’t know what to do next, +

he doesn’t know if it’s too soon to reveal his plan, if it would hurt Kimhan at all, he hasn’t even seen Van since they broke up so he doesn’t know in what state he’s in. He is in the dark.

And to be honest, he hasn’t been thinking about his ex that much either. +

He’s getting anxious, but he can’t even explain why. He just has this pressure in the middle of his chest that makes him feel uneasy. It’s worst when he’s next to Kimhan, or when he’s resting his back on his chest in one of the gardens at Uni like right now.

+

He’s humming a song, writing on some paper at the side as he tries to not disturb Chay while the younger is looking at Kim’s free hand intertwined with his fingers. It’s such an odd view, an unexplainable one. It makes no sense if you look from the outside in, +

they don’t look good together, and even when they seem to match in some aspects and Porchay starts to get comfortable around him, he has to constantly remind himself the reason he answers those calls and texts every day, +

the reason to go every Friday to hear him sing and then have some drinks later, the reason they walk hand on hand and laugh at his jokes, is to hurt him.

He chuckles to himself. Porchay is becoming the joke only he knows about.

+

“What was that?” Kim asks, leaving the pen and the notebook next to him and wrapping an arm around Chay’s waist.

“Nothing,” Porchay replies, extending the hand he’s holding and putting his palm on top of Kim’s, their hands are almost the same size.

+

“You seem happy,” Kim snuggles in, closer, his nose touching the back of his ear. “I like you happy,” he says, and Porchay freezes holding his breath, “I like you,” Kimhan repeats himself.

Chay closes his eyes and lets the air out of his lungs. +

'Is this it? Is now the moment he was waiting for? The one he has been working on for the last three months? Isn’t it too soon?'. But, then again, he asked Van to be his boyfriend after the third date.

“You do?” he asks after a couple of seconds.

+

“I do,” Kim smiles at his skin before leaving a kiss.

“How much?” he plays with his fingers again, trying to distract himself.

“A lot,” Kimhan laughs, and Porchay fights the urge to cry.

+

“Good,” his body goes stiff, but Kim’s kisses on his neck and jaw are starting to get him to loosen up a bit, “enough to be your boyfriend?” the younger one asks in a sigh.

Kim stays still as if he had stopped breathing as well.

+

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” he asks with genuine shock in his voice. Porchay doesn’t want to think about it so he shrugs.

“I don’t know.”

Kimhan takes his chin between his fingers, “turn to me,” he says and Porchay does.

+

His face is close but even the proximity feels familiar now, just as the warm breath over his lips.

“Kiss me,” he whispers and it sounds like plead, so Chay does and closes his eyes in the middle, ignoring all the voices in his head telling him to stop +

and get on his feet so he can run as far away as possible.

-

People at the bar already know him, they call him ‘Kim’s boy’, and they have since the second time he walked in with Kimhan at his side, +

with his hand on his hip and a flashy smile on his face almost as if he was proud of holding him close. Van didn’t like to have outdoor dates, he liked to stay at Chay’s house and watch movies on the sofa, they would go to eat anywhere near Porchay’s house +

but not further than that. Before Kimhan, Chay didn’t notice how different his relationship with Van was from a normal one. Everyone knew they were together but no one actually saw them together.

With Kimhan, it’s quite the opposite. +

He would take him anywhere, but no one knows what they are or what they’re doing together. Porchay doesn’t even know himself. But his head is enough of a mess at the moment to stop for a second and think about it, so instead, +

he goes to the same table he’s been sitting at and waits for Kim’s set to start, and when it does, the lights go low and the people goes loud.

He understands now how fascinating Kimhan is, how easy it is to forget about anything else when he’s in your vision range, +

how his face and his body, the way he talks and moves and sings seems to absorb everything around him. Sitting there, looking up at the stage where Kimhan just walked into the middle, +

he seems untouchable setting his guitar and sitting on the chair and when a golden light singles him out, he seems unreachable.

He starts playing some new covers and people lift their phones to record him, maybe Porchay should too to keep a memory before all of this is over. +

He’s starting to get used to things that he never expects to happen, to do so, but seeing Kimhan introducing his last song as an original and starting to play the same combinations of chords he’s been hearing every time he goes to his place or hangs out at University, +

give him a bad feeling about it, especially when Kimhan gets up from the chair and starts walking down the stage, to him.

Porchay stares at him when Kim finally stands in front of him with a huge smile on his face. His eyes are shining and his voice sounds unreal. 

+

'What in the world is happing?'

“Be mine,” he asks right at the end, but Porchay can’t hear a thing.

People around them are shouting and screaming, pointing their phones and flashlights to their faces and Porchay can’t breathe.

+

'Did he really do such great work? Did he truly seduce Kimhan Theerapanyakul to the point to get him to serenade him in front of all these people?'

This could be the perfect moment. +

He could laugh at his face, he could ask him if he really believed that he liked him, he could even pour his drink over his head and humiliate him in front of everybody, but he doesn’t. He nods like he’s in some trance and kisses him back when Kimhan pulls him close.

+

Porchay doesn’t expect him to see him again. He was hoping for him, he wanted to see him mad and enraged, he wanted to see dark circles under his eyes and pimples on his cheeks, he wanted to see him losing his mind and pulling out his hair, +

but now that he has him just like that in front of him, red crazy eyes, he feels nothing.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” he yells at Chay’s face and a shiver runs down his whole body.

“Van,” Porchay whispers.

+

They’re the only ones left in the classroom. It’s Porchay's last class of the day the Monday after what happened at the bar the last Friday. Chay knows the video has been everywhere, he knows every person in the University has seen it and shared it. +

He knows it was just a matter of time before Van would hear about it.

“Answer me,” he demands, and Porchay doesn’t remember hearing him talk to him like that before.

He looks at him for a couple of seconds. +

His hair is messy, just like the state of his clothes and his hand is holding onto his phone so tightly it makes his knuckles go white.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Chay answers instead, continuing to put his things back into his bag, not giving him a second look. +

“How’ve you been?”

What he doesn’t expect is Van roughly holding him by the jaw and pushing him until his back hits the wall.

“I’m so fucking tired of you,” he spits on his face and real fear installs on Chay’s body.

+

His eyes wide open and he tries to take Van’s hands off him but he’s stronger and way taller than him.

“I had to put up with your shit for six months and when I finally think I got rid of you, you get in my way again.”

+

Porchay doesn’t understand a word he’s saying and he doesn’t know if he wants to, he tries to push him away but nothing is working.

“Did being with me got into your head?” Van laughs, “did I give you the confidence to go after what’s mine?”

He’s talking about Kimhan. +

Porchay tries to swallow but it’s getting hard to do so, just like it’s getting harder to breathe. He looks around the room but no one seems to be near them.

“What about what was mine?” he struggles to say and Van loosens up his grip when he scoffs.

+

“Are you talking about me?” he laughs again and Porchay never thought that he could get to hate something that made him so happy, “I was never yours,” he says, and his eyes seem so dead when he looks at Chay, “I’ve never liked you, Porchay,” +

he explains, one of his fingers tracing the edges of his face, “you’re cute but kind of tiring and annoying.”

“What?” his head is spinning but he can’t find the lie on Van’s face. “I don’t understand.”

+

“I just wanted to get under Kim’s skin before showing him what he truly wants,” he explains as his thumb pulls down Chay’s bottom lip, “I needed a taste of the one Kimhan wanted so badly.”

Porchay feels like puking. He doesn’t understand and everything hurts. +

He can’t breathe or move and his vision starts to get blurry. Van keeps talking, but he can’t hear a thing, he doesn’t want to. When he finally drops him, Porchay falls to the floor, his back pressed to the wall as he sees him disappear through the door.

+

It’s been two weeks since Porchay stopped talking to Kimhan. Two weeks since his heart was broken in a totally different way. It’s strange the way he feels when he’s all alone at home, he finds himself laughing in disbelief once it finally hit him: he’s been living a lie. +

Van and the last six months before they broke up were all a lie, a maniac scheme he pulled off to get on Kimhan’s nerves. What even does that mean? Why would he care?

Porsche is home more than usual so Porchay has to pretend everything is alright. +

He tells him his relationship is over but everything is okay, they just weren’t working anymore. His brother doesn’t believe him, he can see it in his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything, +

Porsche kisses his forehead and goes to the kitchen to cook him some red pasta because that’s their comfort food.

Days seem longer in a completely different way, tears fall down his cheeks without him noticing when all the lights are turned off +

and he’s staring at the moon from the window in his bedroom. He feels tired and so stupid. How did he think someone like Van would like it in the first place?

His phone vibrates on his night shelf and he doesn’t have to look at it to know who it is. +

Ohm has been worried since the rumors of him and Kimhan started to circulate at the University. He had to tell him his plan before his best friend could lose his mind and after that, he’s been on edge, especially after Porchay disconnected from the world +

and decided to block Kim’s number and hide in his house till the end of the semester so Kimhan could forget about him and he could start a new year from scratch and pretend as if nothing happened, even when he didn’t even know what he’s feeling.

+

‘Why did he have to do this? Why couldn’t he face a cheating partner like everyone else? Try to expose him on the internet or something like that. Who did he think he is?’

+

His phone keeps ringing but he ignores it, it’s almost 3 in the morning and he doesn’t want to wake his hia up in the next room. He turns off his lamp and decides to go to sleep when he hears something hitting his window. +

He sits on his bed and waits till he sees a little rock knock the glass and then fall to the ground. Porchay gets up and walks to his window to look down and finds Kimhan in his garden with a bunch of little rocks in his hand, +

about to throw another one but stopping the moment he sees Chay standing there.

He looks around his room as if there was someone else inside and Chay didn’t want them to know Kimhan Theerapanyakul inside his house but the gates were closed. +

It takes him a little while to figure out what to do, but when Kim starts throwing the rocks again, Chay rushes downstairs. 

Porchay can’t hide anymore, as he steps barefoot onto the first floor, Kimhan is already waiting for him on the other side of the glass door. +

Chay bites his lip and his nails dig into his skin as his fists clench at his sides. Kimhan’s hair is wet and his navy blue jacket seems to shine under the moonlight. He looks so out of place, so lost and confused. +

So devastatingly beautiful, he seems more uneasy with every step Porchay takes, there are no rocks in his hands but his fingers are intertwined and his feet are tapping the floor.

Chay stands in front of him and sees him flinch for a second. +

Porchay frowns and his body trembles when Kim places a hand on the glass separating them and words a simple ‘please’. He opens the door and steps outside, making Kim step back to give him space. They stand there for a while, staring at each other until Chay clears his throat.

+

“Chay,” he says, and his voice breaks.

Porchay shakes his head. He doesn’t know why Kimhan is in his house in the middle of the night, he doesn’t know why he looks so shaken up or why is his chest hurting from looking at him like this.

+

“How did you get inside?” he asks instead, so his head can wrap around something simply because he doesn’t think he’s ready to hear the actual answers he’s looking for.

+

“Oh, um,” he moves his hands around and cleans them on his pants before looking at the gate and then back at Chay, “I jumped up the gate,” he says as if it was the most normal thing to do.

“Why?” Porchay asks again, his voice unexpectedly calm.

+

“I needed to see you,” Kimhan takes a step closer but goes right back when Chay sidesteps.

“Why?”

“You’re avoiding me,” he tries to reach out again and this time, Porchay doesn’t dodges him. +

“You talked to him, didn’t you?” he asks once he has wrapped his hand around Porchay’s elbow.

There’s this thing, Porchay never really cared about what people thought of him. +

Even in the worst moments of his life, his hia tried to give him everything he needed and he always told him that he was capable of doing whatever he wanted, he always says he was the better Kittisawasd, but ever since he started Uni, +

ever since people ignore him and pushed him aside, even after Van approached he felt left out, he felt as if something was wrong with him. But this, right now, he couldn’t feel more humiliated.

+

“You knew,” he whispers, his eyes tearing up as he tries to push Kimhan away, “you knew we were together; you knew he only wanted you.”

“Let me explain,” he rushes to him, holding both of Chay’s arms in his hands.

+

“Did you know what I was doing when I approached you?” he asks, tears already rolling down his face.

“Chay,” Kimhan voice breaks, and that’s all Porchay needs to know to realize how big of a joke he is.

“Oh my god,” he whispers to himself, “I’m a fucking idiot.”

+

“No, you’re not!” he’s crying now, and Chay can’t find a reason why. “I am.”

“You are more of an asshole,” Porchay tries to shake him off, but Kim is holding him for dear life, “but I already knew that so it shouldn’t be a surprise.”

“I need you to listen to me,” he begs.

+

“Let go,” Porchay doesn’t notice he’s raising his voice until Kimhan releases him.

He’s about to step inside the house when Kim speaks again.

“I wanted you since the first time I saw you,” Chay freezes, one foot in, one foot out. +

“The first day of classes when you almost tripped, and you giggled after apologizing and disappearing through the hallway, running as if you were late for something, I wanted you since then, so I made clear to everyone that they shouldn’t come close to you.”

+

A shiver runs down his spine when Porchay turns around and finds Kim looking down at his hands.

“I didn’t want anyone getting in the way, but when I was about to ask you out, Van stepped in.”

Porchay’s head is spinning around and it’s starting to hurt. +

He tries to meet Kim’s eyes but he won’t look back at him, he looks anywhere but him and even when he has him so close, his voice seems distant.

“I slept with him two years ago and he couldn’t let go of it,” he says and winces a second later, +

“I’m not good at treating people correctly and I know that’s not an excuse for all the shit I’ve done, so when I saw you so happy with him, I decided to step aside. I never thought that he could…”

+

“What?” Porchay walks to him now, “you didn’t think that he would’ve approached me just to pissed you off, or hurt you or get you jealous or whatever other fucked up reason he might’ve had?” he pushes him further and further until his boots are deep in the grass +

and Chay’s feet are dirty enough he can feel it. “You’re telling me that when I thought I was seducing you to make you for all the shit you put me through, I was the one paying for the pain you caused to others?”

+

“You didn’t have to do anything,” he replies, and Porchay almost misses it.

“What?”

“You already have me in your hands, Porchay,” he smiles, but his nose is red, and his eyes keep crying, “You can hurt me all you want.”

+

Porchay wants him to leave, he wants to go to his room and don’t come out until Kimhan finishes his last semester so he can sit down and think. Nothing he’s saying makes sense, not a single thing. +

Neither does the look on his face or the way his hands tremble or how disturb he sounds.

“It looks like you’re already hurting,” Chay says, even when he’s fuming with rage, even when he feels hot between the edges and his skin itches, +

he stretches out an arm and wipes the tear from Kimhan’s chin.

“Chay?” a tired voice asks behind him and Porchay flinches as if all he needed to wake up from whatever spell Kimhan put him under was his confused brother waking up in the middle of the night. “Who is it?”

+

“No one, hia,” he answers, looking directly into Kimhan’s eyes, “It’s a phi from University, he got lost, but he’s leaving now.”

“Wait,” he whispers, holding his hand before it could get further from his reach.

+

“I don’t want to see you again, P’Kim,” Chay replies before looking back at his brother who’s getting closer and closer.

Porsche walks out of the house and sees Kimhan’s fingers wrapped around Chay’s wrist and slowly lifts his gaze to Kim’s face, and frowns.

+

“I know you,” he says and Porchay turns to look at him with pure fear on his face. “You are the youngest Theerapanyakul, are you not? I used to work with your brother.”

+

Kimhan nods, roughly rubbing the palm of his hand on his face, he slowly lets Chay’s hand go and forces a smile on his face before looking at Porsche.

“It’s a pleasure, phi,” he says, “I’ll take my leave, I apologize for the inconvenience.”

+

Porchay feels empty when he sees him turn his back and leave, but he knows, it’s only a matter of time before it all comes back to crash him down, so before he has to explain whatever this is that happened to his brother, he turns around and runs to his room to lock himself in.
+

He dreams about Kimhan that night, but strangely enough, it’s not a sad dream. He dreams about Kim kissing him and embracing him, he dreams of light touches and warm laughs, he dreams of hidden moles and birthmarks he has never seen, and when he wakes up, +

even when he feels betrayed and hurt, he also feels content.

*

He doesn’t expect to see Kim any time soon, or even at all, but he sees him the next day, right at his gate after his brother’s gone for work. +

Porchay ignores him, he takes his bag and leaves the house, walking to the bus stop closest to his house.

“Let me drive you,” he says, but Porchay pretends to not hear it.

So Kimhan Theerapanyakul rides the bus with him. +

He feels his burning gaze at the back of his neck from where he’s sited. They keep quiet, but Porchay can feel his presence loud and clear, his body is covered in goosebumps, and he feels like exploding at any moment.

+

“Why are you doing this?” he asks, looking through the bus window.

“Because I already know what it’s like to have you with me,” Kim answers as if he’s talking about the weather, “I cannot go back to what it was before you.”

+

And still, it makes every bone in Porchay’s body, shakes and crumble as if he’s made of paper.

“Is not true, isn’t it?” he asks feeling his resolution crack, “all that people say about you.”

+

He doesn’t answer, Kimhan sighs and rests his head on the window until they reach campus. He follows him around after every class and then, he follows him back home where his car is parked, waiting for him. +

Porchay leaves the door open when walks into his house and Kim takes it as a sign to follow him inside, so he does.

They don’t talk, just quietly tag along with the other as Porchay makes dinner for both of them, and when it’s done, they eat looking at each other.

+

Porsche finds Kimhan washing the dishes when he gets back home and then sees him set up the table for him and serve the food Chay made for him before leaving. He goes to his brother’s room after eating, the lights are on, and he finds him sitting on his desk, doing homework.

+

That’s the first night Porchay cries for Kimhan, right after he realizes he likes him.

-

Kim is waiting for him at the gate the next morning, and every morning after that until Porchay doesn’t have to look over his shoulder to know he’s following close. +

Every day, Kimhan brings him one of his favorite pastries or snacks, and Porchay wonders how long has been watching him because a part of him can’t fully believe it. +

He doesn’t touch them, so Ohm ends up eating them right in front of their senior, and still, he doesn’t say a thing.

Porchay asks him if he’s going to stop at their home, and every time the answer is the same: no.

+

It’s getting harder for Porchay to ignore him when he finds his company so comforting and inviting. He hates the fact that he’s growing used to see him in his house and how quickly he recognizes his steps and his aroma like it’s already engraved on his mind, +

but what he hates the most is that he’s starting to crave him. His lips, his touch, his voice. He is so close and yet so far.

“Will you get tired of me, phi?” Porchay asks when he can’t shut his brain down anymore.

“No,” Kimhan replies, drying off the dishes.

+

“Why?” Porchay asks again, “Why do you like me?”

“Your eyes,” he answers still facing the sink.

“My eyes?” Chay asks confused, he doesn’t know what he was hoping for, but this wasn’t it.

+

“When I first looked into your eyes I felt sucked into them,” he can hear the smile in his voice, but still, he doesn’t turn around, “they hold a whole universe in them and I want to discover every bit of it.”

Porchay lips part and only then, Kimhan turns around.

+

“They’re honest too, I can tell what you’re thinking just by looking at your eyes,” Kim ducks down and takes Chay’s hand from his lap, and holds them between his own. “Your eyes tell me you don’t hate me, they say you miss me, that’s why I’m not leaving.”

+

Chay pulls his hands away and Kimhan lets him, he bites his lips and looks at the floor trying to not laugh at how abashed the younger one looks, with his red ears and the soft blush on his face.

“I’m not some pure innocent boy you can play around with.”

+

“I know,” Kim nods, “you’re smart and tenderhearted but incredibly strong, you have gone through stuff I could never dream of baring.”

Porchay looks at his face. He’s so close, he can dive in just a little and he could be kissing him.

+

“How much do you know about me, P’Kim?” he asks, just a breath away from Kimhan’s lips.

“Not enough,” he answers in a whisper too before waiting for a sign, anything that could tell to go for it, to reach a little further and kiss him.

+

So Chay gives him exactly that, he closes his eyes and parts his lips a little wider to welcome him back, and Kimhan does, he rushes to him, his right hand on his nape and the other one on his neck. Kim gets on his knees and Porchay rests his arms on Kim’s shoulders. +

It feels like it’s been so long, for both of them and they have to stop themselves from laughing in between breaths because they don’t seem to be stopping any time soon, not when Kim’s hand has finally reached Chay’s waist and he’s pulling him closer.

+

When they pull apart, their hair looks messy and their lips are a darker shade of pink. They try to settle their breathing but end up laughing when they meet eyes again. Chay bites his lips and his smile slowly fades away.

+

“Don’t hurt me, phi,” he pleads and Porchay wonders how his eyes look right now.

“I’ve learned my lesson,” Kim replies and Chay doesn't think he has heard him this serious before, with his eyes closed and their foreheads pressed together, “I’m not losing you again.”

+

And that seems like a promise.

-FIN-

Especial thanks to @_venagrey for helping me out and give structure to this whole thing so it could make sense. Also thanks for the name 🫶🏻

Also if you read sVan it means stay I'm sorry 😭😂