Thread by @calipsonigiri

#skts, angst with happy ending. TW: suicide ideation, suicidal thoughts, (almost) suicide attempt, depression.

the sunset makes the sky look pink and orange, and kiyoomi wonders why he is only noticing now, right on the edge of the roof of his school’s building.

it’s weird, realizing how many things about life he’s ignored in favor of academic excellence. it doesn’t sit right with kiyoomi.

life hasn’t been great lately.

loneliness has been eating him alive, and something tells kiyoomi that waking up and wishing he was dead instead is not a good sign.

unfortunately, he can’t help it.

every day, when his alarm clock wakes him up at five in the morning, the wave of thoughts gets louder and louder, growing from a “i wish i could sleep some more” to a “if i don’t move, maybe the car will run me over and kill me”.

kiyoomi thinks nothing of it. this is normal, it’s just how he feels.

it’s normal that he’s here on his break, it’s normal that he craves silence, it’s normal that he wants to be gone. this is university, after all. he’s sure other people feel the same.

they’re fine.

it’s not weird, it’s perfectly reasonable. kiyoomi’s just trying to get the thoughts to quiet down for a bit, that’s why he’s sitting on the edge of the roof, that’s why he’s alone.

there’s something about the sunset, though.

it’s so bright, and so breathtaking, that kiyoomi lets himself be vulnerable with only the sky as his witness.

the tears run down his face as if it’s a race, and soon enough his nose is runny.

he doesn’t sob. not loudly, at least —he’s still at school, he can’t be embarrassing.

he wouldn’t be able to explain it properly, but he’s tired.

the pressure’s killing him, his head tortures him on the daily, his body is getting weaker because of the lack of sleep and food, and his performance on the only thing he loves, volleyball, is being affected because of it.

things are just… not working anymore.

and it sucks. it sucks, because kiyoomi knows the sun will hide soon, and night time will only highlight how lonely and sad he feels.

he knows the pink will fade, the orange will disappear, and they’ll both turn into a deep, dark blue.

kiyoomi’s not sure he can handle another night.

that thought alone is what makes him look down.

suddenly, the floor looks appealing. the fall seems fun, even.

kiyoomi indulges the thought for a moment, fantasizes about jumping and breaking so irreparably that he’s not asked to “just try harder” anymore.

he fantasizes about not having to go back to his early classes, about people caring /for once/.

he smiles, because, well, wouldn’t that be nice?

the smile turns into a grimace not long after. it dawns on kiyoomi, how uncomfortable he feels. he wonders if it’s best he jumps and ends the discomfort.

he’s in the middle of deciding when he hears a loud voice call him out.

“hey, ya can’t sit there! it’s—”

the person, whoever it is, stops when kiyoomi turns around to look at them.

they register the tears on kiyoomi’s face far quicker than kiyoomi himself does, and comes closer with caution, as if approaching a scared kitten on a tree.

“oh, do you want some tissues? i–i have some.”

kiyoomi feels funny, if not a little embarrassed. he shouldn’t be bothering people right now, he shouldn't be taking tissues from people who need them.

on the other hand, he really could use them.

“yes, thank you.”

as the guy comes closer, kiyoomi stands up on the edge.

“wait—!”

he moves from the edge and steps safely on the floor, just a couple meters away from the guy. the idea of an easy fall to the ground, forgotten. for now, at least.

“what?”

kiyoomi’s tear-stained face looks confused. why is this man so scared? why does he look so panicked?

“nothing, nothing. here, have them.”

when he takes the little tissue bag, kiyoomi sits on the floor with his back pressed against the wall that he was just on top of. the man stays on his feet, and kiyoomi can’t bring himself to care.

kiyoomi blows his nose and wipes his tears. he laughs a little when he notices the pink from above has almost disappeared.

“hey,” the stranger says, “is there anyone you wanna call? i can let ya borrow my phone if you wanna.”

after thinking about it for a second, kiyoomi decides there’s no one to call.

he doesn’t want to call anyone, he doesn’t even understand why he has to or why the boy’s even suggesting it.

“no, thank you.”

“you sure?”

“i’m sure. thank you.”

the stranger nods.

“you shouldn’t be sitting on the edge like that, you know.”

kiyoomi nods, too. he knows.

“just wanted to see the sky for once.”

they stay silent for a while, and only the wind and the soft hint of students’ voices on the floors below remind kiyoomi that the world still spins.

he doesn’t know if he loathes the reminder or if he finds comfort in it.

“alone?” the stranger asks.

kiyoomi wants to cry again.

“no other option,” he replies, and stands up right after. “thank you for the tissues.”

when kiyoomi tries to give the tissues back, he gets a shake of the head and a smile.

“keep ‘em. do you want me to take ya to yer classroom?”

“no, no,” kiyoomi says, even when he wants to say yes. “thank you.”

“‘s nothing.”

and then, there’s nothing more to say. kiyoomi doesn’t even feel conscious right now, not fully, anyway.

he feels as if there’s a vast fog clouding his senses.

he doesn’t know who the person in front of him is, but kiyoomi feels thankful all the same.

he’s glad that such a beautiful sunset wasn’t wasted only on him, that someone else was there to be right under it, too.

“bye,” kiyoomi says. the guy’s having none of that.

“wait, uh– what’s your name?”

“sakusa kiyoomi,” he says as he gets close to reaching the stairs that guide to the classrooms. then, he repeats, “bye.”

he doesn’t stay for a reply.

he doesn’t even process what’s happened until much later, when the stranger introduces himself as miya atsumu a couple of days later, right after claiming he looked for him all around campus.

kiyoomi is clueless about what actually happened that day until one day, after they’ve been hanging out for a couple months, when it suddenly occurs to him that atsumu thought he was going to kill himself.

he takes a couple of years to understand that he actually /was/, that if atsumu had not stopped him, he would’ve jumped.

kiyoomi feels lucky that things have gotten better since then, and that a friend like atsumu has made him realize how many beautiful things there are to be amazed at.

he’s grateful that there’s always one more sunset to enjoy.

the fog eventually dissipates, and even when kiyoomi’s horrified at what he sees, he’s glad he doesn’t have to face it alone.

|| fin.

this was therapeutic, hah. i wanted to finally put this experience of mine into a story, since i've only wrapped my head around something that happened to me on 2018.

i didn't understand until a couple of days ago that back then, when my family had no money and all my friends were ignoring me, and my classes were exhausting me and i had to be 14 hours at school, i was really depressed.

i thought i was only sad about some stuff, but when i think back to that day, where i went to the highest floor of my school just to sit on the other side of the edge and cry my eyes out, that i had been hoping i would die for weeks.

i didn't think anything of it. i thought it was normal to feel sad about things not working out the way you want them. it didn't occur to me that it wasn't normal that every day after waking up i would pray that something, someone, would put an end to it.

things are much better now, which is why i think i can manage to look back at that time and realize just how desperate i was for a change, how badly i needed things to get better.

this is just me sakuatsufying that one time a teacher saw me crying there and spoke so softly to me when he asked me to step back from the edge. sktsfying that time because i felt really relieved that he offered me some tissues and decided to gift them to me.

sktsfying the offer to call someone, the reassurance that i was not gonna get into trouble, the realization that someone thought i was gonna jump, and the realization that i really, /really/ wanted to, even if for a moment.

i hope this brings comfort to the people who need it. i hope no one has to feel this way, ever. i hope people know there are so many pink skies to look forward to.

i can only do so much, but i hope this makes someone feel less alone.