Thread by @ismiseyusuf

I’m at Enoch Burke’s appeal in the Four Courts this morning and am going to be offering an alternative court report because this trial doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously.

Enoch is taller lad than I expected tbh. He’s almost hot from the back of the court.

His voice is boring af. I am glad he is no longing teaching young people. No one deserves that.

He is now rambling about the Constitution. I have tuned out as he is nowhere near as eloquent as @dkennytcd.

The journalists are typing furiously. Tap tap tap. They are clearly listening more closely than I am.

Mammy Burke is leaning forward on her pew. Alpha energy. Daddy Burke is almost invisible - like every good taxi driver.

There is a few of the family missing. Perhaps they are checking their posters on the NUIG (or whatever it’s called nowadays) campus.

A barrister on the other side of the court is standing holding a lot of heavy books. I may not be a lawyer yet, but my chiropractor would say he should put them down.

One of the judges is called Bermingham. Like the city. But different.

The judges have just asked him whether he intends to comply with court orders. He looks like a rabbit in the headlights. I think. I’m behind him like.

His brother and sister are now whispering answers to the questions to him. This is poor form from a former teacher - he wouldn’t have allowed it in his classroom.

Okay, 21 minutes in and we’re already at the “he won’t stfu when the judge thinks he should” bit.

He has just interrupted the judge to say “I am very happy to comply with the conventions of the court with regards not interrupting.”

The court has now adjourned. I haven’t a clue why. But I have just been told off for using my phone. It would be the height of irony if I was found guilty of contempt of court.

Crisis averted. I am now tweeting from my laptop. I seems I will not get to share a cell in the Joy with this hunk of a man in the dock.

The judges are back. Seems they're going ahead with the appeal. I wonder which one is Bermingham? And if he's ever been to Birmingham?

The judge says the court is "anxious to proceed". Anxious is the word alright.

Mr Burke now has 90 minutes apparently. He has asked for 5 minutes to prepare, the judge has given him 10. Might go to Starbucks across the Liffey.

They've adjourned again. "All rise". This is a court not a Yoga Studio is Ballsbridge lads.

One of the baby Burkes has just given me a 'look'. But nice watch, whichever one you are.

If you're enjoying this so far, please donate to Alan Edge's fundraiser for @TENI_Tweets.

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The entire Burke clann are outside the courtroom. Discussing legal arguments, or my thread? I guess we're about to find out.

Enoch now claims the court has a "gun to his head". Really broadened his frame of reference in those few weeks in the Joy.

The gun to his head has now become a "smoking gun". I didn't hear the shot. Tho tbh, I am very bored.

Now caught in a semantic tailspin. He doesn't want an order against two judges, he just wants the court to review their judgements. Court is telling him say wtf he wants but he's clearly looking to be manhandled by a Garda with this carry on. Wonder if he's on Grindr?

Enoch has just accused the judge of "introducing comedy into court." I'm right behind you gurl.

Crunch time. He's insisting on his semantics rather than getting on with his arguments. I think Mammy Burke is warming up her vocal cords as we speak.

The judge was far too reasonable to give him the martyrdom he desired. Like a patient parent coaxing a toddler, he's actually managed to coerce him into beginning his arguments.

The judge has just pointed out that as he never even taught the child concerned, his religious beliefs were never even challenged.

I'm fucking hungry. I genuinely expected this to have ended in shouting and shoving long before now. Seems you really shouldn't skip breakfast lads.

If anyone would like to drop a Chicken Fillet Roll to Court 1 of the Court of Appeal, it's butter AND mayo, cheese and tomato pls.

The Burkes have stumbled on the claim in their papers that there exists an "exact transcript" of his comments to the headteacher. The court now stinks of horseshit.

The entire family is in panic. They don't have an answer for this one. They even frantically turn to Dad. But he only knows the road between Castlebar and the school.

The judge has just asked him what accomodations he offered the student. He hasn't a clue unless it's written down. Do not expect to see him doing improv anytime soon.

I have just realised the Burke family really need to pass a lot of notes to each other. Again, poor form from a former teacher. And if you're going to do it, at least fold them into paper airplanes pls.

Enoch has spent months arguing this isn't about his suspension or conduct, it's about his religious beliefs on "transgenderism". But now he has been twice asked by the court to spell out what that meant in practice for a Trans child, and has refused to answer both times.

Enoch has just helpfully pointed out that a judge is not a McDonald's worker.

He is now quoting the Bible. Like yer one Dot from Eastenders.

He has just come dangerously close to taking Ammi's eye out whilst gesturing with a biro in hand. Is this the beginning of the Burke's internal feud?

Enoch has just said "all major religions" agree on a gender binary, before going onto list a few Protestants churches. Hinduism and Islam want to chat pal.

75 minutes into his 90 and he has yet to address the two judges this appeal is actually about. A feeling Aston Villa fans will be familiar with.

Enoch is reaching for notes from his brothers pile while the brother reaches for notes from Enoch's pile. It's a bit like Twister.

Enoch has just said he has "never disrupted" the school. For legal reasons, I will not be offering personal comment.

And it's finally lunch. Wonder have they bought a packed lunch or will they head to Centra Deli?

He continued to shout at the judges as they left, but nothing was keeping Justice Bermingham from him lunch.

There they are now. All the lads.

I am now fed and watered and back to work. 💔

Final word from this alternative court reporter?

#TransRightsAreHumanRights 🏳️‍⚧️

I have just reread this and realised the @Grammarly browser plugin would have caught most of these typos. For tagging them in a viral thread, I feel they should give me a year's premium for free.