The Upshot Profile picture
Feb 18 5 tweets 2 min read
Todd Boehly has a reputation as a clueless yank. The Chelsea owner once asked his manager to field 12 players in a rare 4-4-3 formation.

But when it comes to the business side, he's got it all worked out... right?

Chelsea fans, stop reading now...
In a recent meeting with some agents, the American was asked how he planned to recoup his £500mil shopping spree.

Boehly assured them he could easily afford to spunk the cash because Chelsea qualify automatically for the Champions League each year, earning millions in TV money.
After an awkward silence, one agent explained that Chelsea did not qualify automatically, and were unlikely to make it next season as they are currently 10th in the league.

"That's nonsense! We're in it every year," Boehly chuckled, before excusing himself from the meeting.
After consulting his team, he returned a few minutes later and admitted he'd got it wrong.

Whoops.

(Credit to @popbitch for that story).
We can't promise Todd Boehly blasting out the Champions League anthem as he drives his Chevy through west London.

But if he does, it will be in our free weekly email.

It's a 3 minute rundown of the funniest stories in sport.

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More from @UpshotTowers

Feb 20
Everyone knows Brazilian strikers love 3 things: boozing, showboating and shagging anything that moves.

But none can match Garrincha, the magical winger who lifted two World Cups, fathered 14 children and lost his virginity to a goat.

Meet football's first wild child... ImageImage
Born in a poor suburb of Rio, Garrincha had one leg shorter than the other.

Doctors weren’t sure if he’d ever walk properly, let alone play football.

And to make matters worse, he had an IQ in the low 70s. Image
Despite those obstacles, the lovable simpleton grew up fast, and he lost his virginity at the age of 12.

Unfortunately for Garrincha, his first sexual partner – found for him by some older boys in the neighbourhood – was a goat. ImageImage
Read 16 tweets
Feb 17
We often joke that French football is just a sordid sexual psychodrama.

And this week has been no exception.

From porn stars shagging in stadium toilets to FA bosses begging colleagues for threesomes, welcome to another utterly ordinary week in French football...
Ligue 1 side Nice are investigating after porn stars filmed an x-rated video in the stadium toilets during a recent game.

The clip shows a woman luring a "random" fan to the cubicle for a bonk.

Where could be more romantic than the piss-soaked bogs of the home end?
Everyone's (least) favourite dirty dog Nöel Le Gräet has been up to his old tricks.

The French FA boss is currently under investigation for grabbing junior employees' thighs and sending them filthy texts.

But that hasn't stopped him.
Read 9 tweets
Feb 16
The Arsenal dressing room of the 1990s was absolutely mental.

It was ruled by a riotous ring of badly-behaved boozers who called themselves "The Tuesday Club".

From stints in the slammer to machete-wielding gangsters, this is the tale of Gooners Gone Wild...
Our story begins when Arsenal boss George Graham gives his squad Wednesdays off.

Tuesday nights quickly descend into "relentless drinking".

After an all-day piss up at a BBQ, captain Tony Adams crashes his Ford Sierra into a garden wall at 70mph.

He's jailed for 56 days.
Behind bars, the future England captain is befriended by a burly credit card fraudster called Scotchie, who sorts him a bottle of illicit vodka.

His new pal saves him from an attack by two Scousers who planned to break his kneecaps.
Read 18 tweets
Feb 15
Back in the 90s, Duncan Ferguson was football's most terrifying hardman.

The Everton legend was the first footballer jailed for an on-field offence, but that's just the half of it.

From headbutting policemen to hospitalising burglars, this is the mental tale of Big Dunc...
1990: Dundee United sign Duncan Ferguson, a 6ft 4in striker who is particularly good with his head.

Perhaps too good: after a night of heavy boozing he gets into an spat with a policeman at a Dundee taxi rank.

Dunc settles the dispute by headbutting the copper.
1993: He's back at the taxi rank when a postman who supports hated rivals St Johnstone starts goading him.

The bloke is already on crutches with a broken leg, but that doesn't stop Duncan punching and kicking him.

Dunc defends the damage as "Fat lips, no big deal".
Read 16 tweets
Feb 14
Wayne Rooney's recent team talk about his "tiny knob" capped off an incredibly weird, sexually charged, and occasionally glorious career for the legendary striker.

From shagging grannies to spiking his teammates with Viagra, here's a recap of Wazza's wildest antics...
2002: After landing his first Everton contract, the shy young striker shuffles into training with global megastars like Francis Jeffers and Tony Hibbert.

But he's not impressed.

"I grew up watching them," he later recalled, but "so quickly I remember thinking 'these are crap.'"
2003: Hacked off at his substandard colleagues, Wayne decides to let off steam.

He's spotted frequenting a £45-a-pop Merseyside brothel, booking in marathon sessions with a rubber-suited granny by the name of 'The Auld Slapper'.
Read 20 tweets
Feb 12
Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of an NFL player's career.

It's definitely not the day to wake up in jail after trawling the red light district for a prostitute.

But that's exactly what happened to the Atlanta Falcons' Eugene Robinson in 1999... Image
Eugene was having a great season, and the Falcons were on course for their first ever Super Bowl.

The day before the big game, he received an award for his "outstanding character in the community".

Feeling jubilant, he headed out in Miami for a celebratory blowjob. ImageImage
After trawling the streets, he handed $40 to a lady in heavy make-up and fishnet tights.

But his boner vanished when she slapped a pair of handcuffs on his wrist. She was an undercover cop.

With the biggest game of his career hours away, Euge spent the night behind bars. Image
Read 5 tweets

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