I'd like to address how I'm quoted in the first chapter of Josh Butler's book Beautiful Union--where the TGC article that caused a ruckus was taken from.

Though he quotes me talking about "the theology of the clitoris", it appears he misses the whole point of what I was saying. Image
The point, in the larger context of the quote he pulled, is that women's bodies are not necessarily designed for maximum pleasure from intercourse alone, because the clitoris is outside the vagina (though the clitoral roots travel up the vaginal wall).
While many women can & do orgasm through intercourse, most women in our study found other routes to orgasm more reliable. And this is how our bodies were made! For women to feel pleasure, men need to do things to bring us pleasure. Quick intercourse alone won't cut it (for most).
I was writing, then, about female orgasm and the need for specific foreplay (ie. manual or oral stimulation). But Josh has sandwiched my quote in between paragraphs that are talking about how women's "desire" can be stoked.
Desire, arousal and orgasm are three separate things that are all being conflated here, and this is a problem. He is picturing the man being the one with spontaneous desire who thus initiates, and says foreplay is necessary for HER desire.
But one should NEVER do foreplay to try to cultivate desire. If she has no desire, don't touch the bits! Foreplay is done when one is already excited (and when desire has already arrived), to build arousal leading to orgasm. Foreplay is not to build desire.
He says: "A woman’s need for foreplay to
enjoy full sexual satisfaction is a sign of our affections being warmed as the bride of Christ by his amorous advances and pursuit." Foreplay is not about amorous advances and pursuit. Foreplay is PLAY. The pursuit is long over.
This may seem like semantics, but if you're going to write a book about sex, you do need to understand the sexual response cycle. I'm glad he mentioned female "full sexual satisfaction" (he didn't actually say orgasm), but he's just conflating so many things.
This is one of the dangers of overspiritualizing everything, and why writing about sex like this is not a good idea. If you're going to write about sex, then get the parts about sex right.
(I will do a longer thread, likely this weekend, on how I would talk about the symbolism of sex and our relationship with God. It is important; I have spoken about this a lot. But in a very different way, and I'll elaborate on that soon).

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More from @sheilagregoire

Mar 1
In the last few days, I've seen many people defend complementarianism, the belief that God put men in authority over women.

This defence is usually made as if it's simply an intellectual argument over Bible passages.

I'd like to add some data points to the mix.
Multiple studies have found that religiosity & church attendance bring significant health & relationship benefits.

HOWEVER, this study finds that the mental health benefits evaporate for women when they are in churches with all-male leadership:
Our study of 20,000 primarily evangelical women, published in our book The Great Sex Rescue, found that the benefits of religiosity on marital and sexual satisfaction disappear when a couple follows complementarianism.
Read 14 tweets
Jan 18
In our survey of 20,000 women, we asked them to name books, organizations, or resources that they feel have harmed their marriage.

We didn't name any. It was entirely open-ended, without us priming them for anything.

Want to know the top 5?
The 5 resources named most frequently as the most harmful for women's marriages were:

1. Love & Respect
2. Every Man's Battle
3. Created To Be His Helpmeet
4. I Kissed Dating Goodbye
5. Focus on the Family
When we dug deeper & looked at these women's answers to other questions, these books were rated harmful overwhelmingly because they enabled abuse or made marriage worse (with the exception of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which made women scared of men and ashamed of sex).
Read 4 tweets
Jan 17
Follow this logic with me:

In Love & Respect, Emerson Eggerichs talks about how his wife kept putting pepper on the eggs even though he told her he didn't like them that way. He says, "she didn't mean to be disrespectful...", but she was.
Later, his wife keeps asking him to stop putting wet towels on the bed.

And in this case, who is disrespectful?
Why, she is, of course, for asking him to stop!
So when he asks her to stop something and she forgets, she's being disrespectful. When she asks him to stop something and he forgets, she's STILL being disrespectful.

Make it make sense!
Read 4 tweets
Jan 17
It helps authors so much when you PRE-ORDER their books!

Like, if you're going to buy it anyway, pre-order it!

It brings it up in the rankings so more people see it. The more pre-orders, the more retailers will order (so they won't run out of stock when it is released).
Often libraries and independent bookstores order based on the top new releases, so pre-orders get it stocked!

Plus--it's just plain encouraging!

And many online retailers reduce the price the more pre-orders you get (and you're guaranteed the lowest price!)
So with all that being said, would you consider pre-ordering our new book She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up?

Based on an all-new survey of women's experiences in church as teen girls!

Read 4 tweets
Jan 15
I find it interesting that Christians who bemoan sex-selective abortions in India and China, where girls are frequently aborted, and the gender ratio is severely out of balance, would also think it's okay to tweet about how you prefer having baby boys to baby girls.
(this is in reference to something I deleted, because the chaos in the comments was too much).

But jokes matter, even if tongue in cheek.

I don't think it's okay to normalize joking that boys are better than girls.

Jokes affect our attitudes. Our attitudes affect our actions.
For people saying, "It was just a joke!", would the joke be okay if someone said they preferred white people to black people?

(and I speak as someone whose baby boy died. I know what it is to want a boy, believe me).
Read 4 tweets
Jan 5
Most men have higher sex drives than most women--with a LOT of overlap.
Some is certainly due to hormones.
But what if, when men feel absolutely desperate for sex, there's something else also going on?
Our deepest need that we were created for was intimacy. We need to feel connected to other human beings. We need to feel cared for and loved.
Women are socialized to experience intimacy in a variety of ways--friendship; sharing thoughts and emotions.
Many men are not socialized to do that. Opening up emotionally and becoming vulnerable seems feminine, or scary.
The only way many men have to connect is through sex.
Read 6 tweets

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