Thread by @RussInCheshire

Gonna start a festival. #Twatsonbury

I'll advertise how great it is. World-beating, in fact.

But there will be a 100 ft high wall around the 100 mile perimeter, and no gate.

No illegal entry. Or legal entry.

Then I'm gonna spend YEARS whining about the cost of security.🧵

The only way in will be to scale the wall, which is dangerous and illegal, and loads of people die, while giving all their money to the network of previously unheard-of "ladder gangs" that mysteriously sprung up when I built a massive wall.

But I can stop all this. Trust me.

I'm gonna have - and this is no exaggeration - a new "no entry" policy every month for a decade, and 43 different "definitely no entry if you're wet" policies.

I'm going to tell everybody inside that we're being invaded, and they need to leave me in charge so I can prevent it.

I'm going to repeatedly add additional fees to the ticket price of those already inside. I'll tell them that having a 100 foot wall and no gate will work out GREAT for us ... any day now.

Sure, we've run out of food and beer, and none of the promised acts have turned up.

And sure, ticket prices are up again, but that's cos we need to double our security. Then double it again. They have 100 miles of fence to guard, after all!

Sure, we'd only need 6 guys if we had a gate. But no. Gates are a sign of liberalism. We must man the walls at all costs.

Inexplicably - who knew? - neighbouring festivals are much more successful than mine.

They're cheaper and have fewer furious guests.

Once you have a ticket to one, you can go to any gig you like.

Top acts want to play there. For one thing, it's fully stocked with booze!

But they have a gate. So sometimes, someone will get in with no ticket.

They might lose the £15 entry fee!

Better to have no gates, spend millions on security that makes everyone inside anxious, lack food and beer, and have to sit sober through our only act, Right Said Fred.

The price of tents is up. Soz! We refused entry to tent-repairers, and then a Russian guy in the VIP area bought the best 20,000 tents for himself.

Yes, I could stop him, but he's my friend. He gave me this gold watch, just to be nice.

So you lot will just have to rent a tent.

Tent rental has just doubled in price. Hey, don't blame me, it's market forces!

Also, I allowed the guys operating the toilets to save money by emptying raw sewage all over your part of the field.

Don't worry, Right Said Fred are on again in a minute.

Update on the wall strategy.

Anybody climbing the wall will now be loaded into a trebuchet and fired into an even worse festival, full of criminal warlords who will charge them - at gunpoint - to come back here and try again.

I've invented snakes and ladders for cunts!

Despite my wall strategy, people still keep trying to get in to meet up with friends. So I've decided to shoot them.

Yes, this breaks the law, but only in a limited and specific way. And anyway, they don't need human rights. Human rights don't apply to that type of human.

The festival has run out of money, so I've let the obscenely rich Russian dude stop paying tax.

Yes, he currently has 80% of the cash. But if we let him have 90% of the cash, he's bound to spend it. He hasn't so far. But he might now.

A rising tide (of sewage) raises all boats

Had to close the medical tent. We'd run out of medicine. And medics. And the Russian dude gave me a go on his helicopter if I'd agree to sell the medical tent to him.

So I did. It'll be fine. Just keep wading through shit and never EVER get ill, old, or sick of Right Said Fred

Somebody started a chant, right in the middle of Deeply Dippy.

"Just open a fucking gate", they chanted. "We're skint, there's no food, and this place is awful".

So I've banned chants.

Eat your turnip in silence, and for Christ's sake, wave a flag! What are we, animals?

No. THEY'RE animals. Those people outside, with their rights, food, tent-fixing capabilities, and medical knowledge.

Animals. Vermin. Cockroaches.

We, however, say we're humans, sat in a collapsing Twatsonbury full of hate, corruption, brown food, sewage, and being Too Sexy.

This is not a thread about a music festival.

I'm writing a book. I've done one already (The Decade In Tory) and now I'm doing this, covering the fall of Johnson, drive-by prime minister Liz Truss, and Rishi Sunak, a chatbot with the hair of a Lego Elvis.

Please pre-order. Or don't. I don't care.

unbound.com/books/four-cha…