My friends, I want to speak to you today about something very close to my heart, my belated contribution to #detransawarenessday
That is, the journey of those who have experienced transition regret and chosen to detransition. I hope it brings some comfort to you all.
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The pain of feeling trapped in a body that does not feel like your own is something that only those who have experienced it can truly understand. And yet, for many of us, the path of transition does not bring the relief and happiness that we so desperately crave.
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To those who have had the courage to step back from transition and reclaim their identity, I want you to know that you are not alone. Your bravery and resilience in the face of such adversity is truly remarkable, and you have my utmost respect and admiration. Be proud.
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The medicalization of gender identity has created a dangerous trend; pushing us towards irreversible treatments without exploring other options or addressing underlying issues. We must prioritize mental health care and support for gender non-conforming individuals.
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To those who would seek to dismiss or belittle the experiences of detransitioners, I say this: empathy and understanding are what we need now more than ever. Every human being deserves to be seen and heard, to have their story told and their pain acknowledged.
All of us.
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Gender transition is often presented as a solution to the complex social and cultural issues surrounding gender, but it can have serious physical, emotional, and psychological consequences that are not fully understood.
This was not your fault. Your regret is valid.
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Let us stand together, supporting and uplifting those who have experienced the complexities of gender and identity - and reclaimed who and what they are.
Scars and all. You are as perfect as you need to be, so leave the past in the past and live as yourself now.
Live 💜
7/7
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After being evaluated, diagnosed as dysphoric, and handed testosterone (in a few months) and then a double mastectomy in rapid succession in my 20s, my mental health broke.
I became a malnourished alcoholic. My doctor told me I was dying.
This is me before detox:
I was less than 45kg at arrival. My heart rate was concerningly high, my gums were swollen and bleeding. I was peeing and vomitting blood. I hadn't slept for 72+ hours. I needed nurses to help me walk, and would faint randomly due to how weak I was.
When I attended the gender clinic in 2015, mere months before they handed me testosterone, I told them about my assaults and about my trauma. In 2017, they cut my healthy breasts off.
This wasn't easy to write, nor post, but since I've shared so much with you all over the years, I'm doing it anyway in case I don't make it.
My health is bad. Very bad. My alcoholism has damaged my stomach and my liver. Badly. My thyroid is fucked.
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My B12 levels are so low, I'm clinically malnourished. I have fallen to 47kg. My gums have started to bleed. The withdrawals have gotten so bad, I vomit every morning, and sometimes there's blood.
I'm fainting a lot, and I tremble all the time. My heart is constantly pounding.
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I am on the urgent list for rehab, and my social worker hopes I won't need to wait another month for a bed. The inpatient detox is the safest route as my body is physically depending on alcohol for now, to the point I had a seizure the last time I tried to quit at home.
3/x
Do you want to know one of the main reasons I detransitioned? Because even while taking cross-sex hormones and getting my breasts removed, I was still undeniably female - just not by appearance.
But my body, behind closed doors, was undeniably female.
Why?
1/3
What man gets a period when his testosterone levels aren't high enough? None.
What man needs to take a pregnancy test after sex? None.
What man has a fucking vagina? None.
Even in transition, my body was screaming I'M FEMALE.
NO amount of social affirmation changed that.
2/3
You are your body. You have to be delusional to think you are a member of the opposite sex because Every. Single. Day. You're reminded of your sex - your body tells you.
Your mind tells you, while you toss and turn at night thinking "I need my hormones or I won't ~pass~"
I harp on about my drinking, but only because it has ruled my life since 2018.
When I realised transition was a mistake, that the testosterone had permanently changed my body for the worst, that my breasts were gone forever, alcohol was my only solace. It numbed everything.
When I went to therapy for transition regret and they downplayed the severity, I drank.
When I started speaking online and got rape and death threats, I drank.
When I touched my numbed chest and felt nothing, I drank.
Being sober is difficult because it means having to accept my unnecessarily altered body as it is - forever changed. Scarred, numb, masculinised.
Constantly told "but you were an adult!" As if my mental illness and vulnerability deserved to be ignored by the professionals.
Anyone else remember, back in the 2010s, when you wanted to be kind and inclusive and you were willing to compromise; use preferred pronouns, say "trans women are trans women, not men" etc.
Then the LGBTQ+ took it way too fucking far, now you're no longer willing to "be kind"?
I was there for you. I spoke out in defense of trans women using the women's bathroom.
I spoke out in defense of preferred pronouns.
Then you came for kids.
You - the LGBTQ+ did this.
Not the feminists.
Not the GCs.
Not the Conservatives.
You destroyed trans acceptance.
Literally most people don't give a fuck if you cross-dress or change your name. Who cares?
But you came for women's spaces.
You came for gay and lesbian spaces.
You cane for our kids.
Well done; you managed to destroy the acceptance that older transsexuals fought *so* hard for.
Want to drink badly. The thoughts are back. I've already ruined my body, why not go back on T and end it all faster? Being sober sucks. It makes you realise the extent of the damage. I wish I never transitioned. This is hell. Why. Why did they give me HRT and surgery. I was 24.
Gonna buy beer.
Why did they cut my boobs off? There was nothing wrong with them.