Since I'm probably going to be banned soon, I just want to say a few things.
TL;DR: I love you guys.
If you're a detransitioner, you're not a mutilated mess. You're not ruined. You're not unlovable. You're not "done." You're a beautiful beacon of wisdom, and if you're comfortable, speak up. Your experiences are so important today. Never underestimate the good you can do.
If you're the parent or loved one of a trans-identified child, it's not your fault. You done nothing wrong. But you have to be there for them. Don't say what they can and cannot do, or be, just be there. Love them. Let them know they're loved.
I don't really believe dreams means anything, but I've been having extremely vivid dreams on-and-off for a few years now. The one I had last night has genuinely gotten to me, deeply, and I've been unable to do anything other than think about it. So, here it is:
I was in a massive black, rocking tower – every time I stepped in one direction, the tower would lean that way. I saw a very far fall down into trees (it was like the side of a grassy cliff) through the window.
The physical feeling of potentially plummeting to my death felt excruciatingly real and in the dream I was panicking and trying to stop the tower from rocking. I felt like something was coming and that I had to do something.
I hesitated to say this because I don't want younger detransitioners to feel disheartened, but since I've promised to be completely open and honest on here I feel I need to say it:
I still haven't fully gotten over my transition. 1/5
I began detransition over 2 years ago. Do I accept myself more? Yes. Am I happier? Yes.
But there are still days when I break down over what I've done to myself. They're few and far between now and happen far less than they did 2 years ago, but they still happen. 2/5
I don't know if I'll ever fully get over what transition did to me but I'm hopeful. Sometimes I feel like I have, but it's so hard to ignore the permanent effects. I'll live with them until the day I die and I'll never fully accept that I was aided by clinicians to do this. 3/5
You'd think having been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I'd understand exactly what it is and where it comes from. But I don't.
We're told that GD is a sense of unease due to a mismatch between ones sex and gender identity that can be so bad it leads to depression and suicide.
But did I ever really have a gender identity? I'm not sure any more. I certainly had an envy of men and a desire to “live as” one, coupled with a resentment for being a woman and a hatred for my biological sex. But I'd hardly call that an "identity."
We're also told that the cause of gender dysphoria is unclear, as gender development is complex and there are things that are not known or fully understood.
I've never hidden that I was 24 when I transitioned because I don't feel the need to. Improper care is improper care, regardless of patient age.
One must wonder: if adults can make that mistake, what chance do kids have?
“You wanted to transition – take responsibility!”
I wanted to transition because I was led to believe that would help me. Now I know that's not always the case, I raise awareness to the fact many detransitioners report having realized their GD was related to other issues. 2/
“There's no way you were evaluated, diagnosed and given HRT within less than a year!”
Well, I was. My first appointment was in early 2015 and I was injecting testosterone the summer of 2015. That may not have been your experience but it was, unfortunately, mine. 3/
I sent this letter to Dr Jack Turbans training director on August 10th 2021, hoping to keep this offline.
I publish it now because I have received no reply. It is long, but important.
Here it is in full:
I am writing to you on behalf of a group of detransitioned women regarding your fellow Dr Jack Turban. We are deeply concerned with Dr Turban's disparagement of psychiatric intervention and exploratory psychotherapy, his singular endorsement of affirmative therapies for people 2/
with gender dysphoria, and his dismissive and derogatory treatment of those of us who detransitioned due to transition regret.
We are but a few of many that have been the victims of this type of cavalier attitude. We all suffered from gender dysphoria at one point 3/
I caught up with an old friend who happens to be a gay trans man. I asked how dating's been since he started using dating apps. He said “great,” so I asked him how gay men react when he tells them he's trans. He said “I don't message gay guys, just bi guys.” 1/
I think this attitude is why most of the trans people I know are happy. They accept that being trans may sometimes limit what spaces they have access to and they know that not everyone will consider them an option for dating/sex.
They accept reality. 2/
I see a lot of trans people online getting really upset or angry when they're told they're unwelcome in a single-sex space or when they're rejected romantically/sexually, and I actually feel quite bad for them. 3/
The 2 year anniversary of my detransition is coming up, so thought I'd share some observations.
On T, it took about 5 months for my body hair to thicken and about 9 for my beard to start coming in. Off T it took a year before body/facial hair became lighter/slower to come in. 1/
On T, it took about a year for my hairline to recede and for the hair loss on my scalp to begin. Off T, it took about 18 months for my hairline to come in a little more, but the scalp hair loss has never reversed (though growing your hair out hides it a little more). 2/
On T, it took about 3 months for noticeable fat redistribution, and about 8 months for noticeable muscle gain. Off T, the fat redistribution and muscle loss took about 4-5 months. 3/
I see views on here I don't agree with, or even downright dislike, from people I follow. Despite that, I believe those of us who wish to save single-sex spaces, respect same-sex attraction, acknowledge biological reality and demand better care for dysphoria need each other. 1/
We're seeing male sex offenders flashing women and girls' and being *defended* because they claim to be trans. Gay men chased out of pride for being the "wrong kind" of gay (the same-sex attracted kind). Trans and detrans people being bullied for being heretics and apostates. 2/
We're seeing kids (many who are simply gender non-conforming or gay) being indoctrinated into gender ideology, transitioning while too young to fully understand what's happening.
Is falling out over a Twitter spat more important than standing together against this madness? 3/
Seeing the LGB Alliance slandered as a “hate group” is particularly baffling to me because they supported me when nobody else would.
When I first started talking about my detransition, I was met with a deluge of insults and threats. I was piled on and told to disappear.
When I spoke of how my same-sex attraction contributed to my transition, I was called a liar.
The LGB Alliance invited me to their event in Glasgow and embraced me, telling me I had nothing to be ashamed of.
That I didn't deserve to be insulted, threatened or silenced.
The LGBA knew that inviting a detransitioner to their event would be used against them as “proof” they're “transphobic” - despite the fact that while I was at their event, I met and befriended some wonderful and equally supportive trans women.
Been thinking about some stuff I saw in 2012-2014 when frequenting trans blogs/boards.
Trans women buying/wearing sanitary pads, or tampons in their purse “for show.” Trans men wearing packers, or buying condoms even though they didn't sleep with men. All sorts “for show.”
As tempting as it may be to eye-roll at this, we really need to reflect on it: There are people so distressed by their sex that they'll waste money on things they don't need just to feel, for a second, that they're the opposite sex – even if it's for a complete stranger.
The high you get from passing when you're early in transition is something else, so I understand why some trans folks do things like buy tampons/condoms they don't need.
But here's the thing – buying and wearing a sanitary pad or tampon is not something any woman enjoys.
On nights like this, when I'm home alone with nothing but my thoughts for company, my mind always manages to wonder back to my trans days.
Except it's different now. I'm realizing how much I've grown and healed since then. It doesn't keep me awake anymore, just pops up.
I really, truly despised being a woman and really, truly desired to be a man. I don't think I ever wanted, or will ever want, something that much again. It's amazing, remembering how certain I was that I should have been born male.
There were no doubts in my mind. None.
I'm not sure exactly how to put my thoughts into words. I'm now a healthy, happy adult, but I have memories of a time that got so dark, so horrifically fucked up, that sometimes I think of my past self as a different person. Literally.
Some side effects of taking testosterone as a female include: male-pattern baldness, acne, increased risk of cardiovascular issues, high blood pressure, producing too many red blood cells, infertility, type 2 diabetes and vaginal atrophy.
When I was informed of these risks (sans vaginal atrophy, my clinic didn't mention that) I thought “Whatever, I'm cool with taking those risks.”
And so preceded the positive side effects talk.
I was told-
My period would stop, great.
My voice would get deeper, great.
My fat would redistribute, great.
My facial and body hair would come in quicker and thicker, great.
I'd gain more muscle mass, great.
And my clitoris would enlarge, great?
When I was early in my transition, I never got upset when I was misgendered. I understood that, when I didn't pass, it was bound to happen. And I understood that even when I did pass, slip ups were going to happen now and again.
I've never understood the outrage that some trans people express at being accidentality misgendered. I certainly didn't understand the view that “when I'm misgendered it's extremely distressing. It's so hurtful, you're denying my existence” etc.
If pronouns can cause you extreme distress then isn't the problem with you? No healthy, well-adjusted adult gets *that* upset by a slip up. I think rather than screaming at or crying about an accidental misgendering, you need to learn to cope with life more than anything.
The thing I appreciate most about other detransitioners is, in my experience, they don't just agree with you to be a part of a “community.”
If a detransitioner disagrees with me, they tell me straight. They don't just nod along because “wE dEtRaNs NeEd tO sTick TogEthEr.”
I see detransitioners disagreeing with one another all the time – good. You should say how you feel, never feel pressure to self-censor. I think that's because many detransitioners learned from their trans days (especially if once 'woke') how horrible a hivemind truly is.
Was talking to a detrans woman last night (if reading, I still love you) and she called me out for misgendering Chris Chan. I explained why I will never call Chris “she/her” and she countered with why she disagreed, and I appreciate that. We agreed to disagree and moved on.
It pisses me off how many trans men I know who don't give a shit about their health.
They don't bind safely. Don't aspirate the syringe to check if they're in a blood vessel. Don't book appointments for female-specific health checks. Don't get their hormones/bloods checked.
It pisses me off because I used to do those things, too. I know the mentality. “I'll be fine,” and “if my doctor hasn't said anything, then it can't be that bad.”
And they laugh it off when I raise concern.
Well, your doctors aren't doing their fucking jobs, then.
I completely understand that dysphoria makes certain aspects of health care difficult but Jesus fucking Christ guys, you're life is more important than a few minutes of embarrassment and discomfort.