Thread by @amboinreallife

I was just talking about this last night & it was definitely reconfirmed today...

One of the WORST parts about being educated, self-aware, and advocating for/about my disorders: the beginning is full of hope that turns to frustration as time marches forward.

Here's why...🧵

Like many, I spent my life hearing the people who were charged with my care say I was lazy, flighty, willful, defiant, and "hard to deal with." I was wrong. I was bad. I was inherently flawed as a person.

I wasn't believed when I said "I don't know," or "I don't remember."

My strengths were not valued at all and my weaknesses were over-valued. Eventually the scale tipped and I started to believe what they were saying. I no longer valued myself. They told me I didn't deserve love and I agreed.

Then, when I was 38, I got my diagnosis. I found @HowtoADHD. Then #ADHDTwitter and #teamadhd. I started doing vast amounts of research and learning & understanding myself. I could think of one word and one word only...

VINDICATION.

I *wasn't* a shitty human. I wasn't lazy. I had always known, deep down, but I let their voices become louder than my own. Now I had reinforcement! Proof that I was deserving of their love, understanding, and compassion. Proof that I wasn't alone. I had science on my side.

Only, that's not how it's gone. They don't believe that it does what it does. They don't get it.

I'm smart, capable, well-spoken, and educated. They absolutely CANNOT reconcile that with the idea that I struggle with cleaning, showering, or brushing my teeth.

If I'm forgetful or I don't do my "chores," it must be bc I "don't care" or I "like" living that way.

I've given them literature, websites, and YouTube channels and, still, they choose to ignore it so they can keep believing what they want to believe. They don't hear me.

That is the most frustrating part. All I want in this fucking life is understanding and compassion. All I get is lectures about what a fuck up I am. My ability to care for myself is questioned constantly...despite living independently for 20 years prior to my divorce.

They will never get me. It sucks. They'd rather I was a lazy, inconsiderate piece of shit than educate themselves on what is actually going on in my brain.

They deal with the exact things that I do. I guess if you don't learn about it you don't have to recognize yourself in it.

When I didn't know or I forgot, they would tell me to stop making EXCUSES. At 38 yo, I told my dad I had ADHD and the first thing he said was, "I just don't want you to use it as an excuse." First thing.

Now I have the REASON and they still tell me to quit making excuses.

I'm tired. Downtrodden. 40 more years of this life is almost more than I can bear. Kiddo needs me and she is my reason but at this point I'm here out of obligation alone. I know my people are out there (you guys are my lifeline), but I'm starting to feel too weary to find them.

Anyway. Being self-aware is good. It helps. It's life changing. But once you're aware, you also realize that you DESERVE better than what you've been accepting. And anything less than that can feel devastating.