Thread by @ThanksSmite

An angsty take on the Day 6 prompt for #Erasermightweek ‘World Sleep Day’ because my brain apparently decided we need something sad today.

Cw: Major character death, angst, last goodbyes, funeral.

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In hindsight, five years were nothing really.

That’s not to say they hadn’t been wonderful. Indeed, Shouta considered them to be some of the best, most satisfying years of his life so far, but they were simply not enough.

He’d become accustomed to falling asleep with long arms wrapped around his body and the calm, rhythmic heartbeat beneath his ear. Grown used to putting away a large pair of shoes when he returned home after inevitably falling over them.

Wearing sweaters that were five sizes too big for him in the evenings as he curled up on the couch, listening to the running water of the shower had become so common that he hadn’t even bothered to replace his own lounge-wear when it had eventually fallen apart.

The smell of aftershave that was not his own, a heavy cedarwood scent courtesy of David Shield every Christmas, clung to every surface, including his sleeping bag (he would never admit to sitting in the staff room at UA inhaling said smell whenever he was having a particularly…

…hard day).

Shouta hadn’t realised just how much he’d come to rely on those little things until they were no longer there.

Without the arms and heartbeat to accompany him at night, he laid awake in a bed that was far too large for just himself and stared at the ceiling until his alarm heralded in the new day. The shoes remained tucked away in their place in the genkan, untouched.

His evenings on the couch, hidden in those wonderfully large sweaters, were now horribly silent without the sound of running water. And though the bottle still sat on the chest of drawers in the bedroom, the heavy cedarwood scent had already begun to fade.

As the morning of the funeral rolls around, he stands in front of the mirror (extra-large, as all of their, his, furniture was) and touches the simple platinum band that sits on his finger.

It doesn’t feel real, despite the seven sleepless nights and days of tear-stained cheeks as he watched over the procession of people laying flowers at the overly large memorials outside of both Might Tower and UA.

When Hizashi arrives to guide him to the vehicle waiting outside of his apartment, he’s still floating in the strange sense of numbness that seems to have become a part of his everyday life.

They sit in silence, both watching the world pass by as the car drives through the city towards the crematoria. Only when the crowds of people begin to grow, all in black, does Shouta turn away, focusing once again on his ring.

He does not recall getting out of the car, or when Hizashi had put a hand on his arm to guide him into the building.

There are no memories of his former students gathered inside, of the tears in their eyes as they observe their former sensei and the beautiful floral arrangement that surrounds the coffin.

He does remember looking down at Toshinori’s face, so calm and relaxed that one might think him asleep, and it is that image of his face that he clings onto as he whispers quiet prayers and drops incense into a bowl while the priest speaks.

His former-students, now heroes in their own rights, keep him company as people say their goodbyes after the ceremony, standing guard as Hizashi had quietly commented into his ear.

David and Melissa Shield break the established protocol and give him warm hugs, but he won’t begrudge them. They were all the family Toshinori really had and Shouta had become quite fond of them in the years since their marriage.

When the building is empty save for the Shields, Hizashi, the group of 22 young heroes and himself, Shouta sighs heavily and finally reaches up to touch the additional ring hanging on a chain around his neck.

Midoriya is the first to move, wrapping large scarred arms around him (when did the Problem Child get so tall he wonders), and that sets off a chain reaction. The others join in, wrapping arms around him and one another, touching whomever is closest, sharing in their joint grief.

It’s enough to break his heart all over again.

It reminds him of how Hizashi had held him after Shouta had called him in a near inconsolable state when he’d returned from patrol and found Toshinori’s lifeless body in their bed. But it also brings back good memories.

Memories of a similar hug, only with Toshinori by his side as they celebrated their wedding with dear friends and the vast amount of students they’d shed blood with and nearly died to protect.

Midoriya had been the one to pick them both up then as well, laughing gleefully as his friends, chiefly Bakugo, had shouted at him to put them both down before he broke their backs.

Only for Toshinori to laugh alongside him, his arm firmly around Shouta’s waist as his eyes, so filled with love, stared down at him.

They were so happy then. Each day filled with small, loving gestures that reminded them both of how much the other cared.

Even as Toshinori’s body struggled to keep up with his desire to live in his last year, they had still found time to do the little things that brought them pleasure; long walks through parks, dates in cat cafes and buying stupid clothing just to see who could make the other…

…laugh first. They ate dinner together every night, watched a movie and shared a kiss before Shouta would disappear out of the door for a few hours for a patrol.

(Tweet limit)

Mornings were wonderfully calm, shared showers and kisses, commonplace after Shouta had resigned from his position at UA when it became clear that Toshinori’s health had begun to rapidly decline.

It was obvious that their days were numbered, and they both knew it.

Toshinori had been more accepting of it than he himself had, but even as his time drew to a close he never stopped smiling or insisting on dragging Shouta around their living room in a slow dance.

Every moment had been treasured, and though he knows that in itself was a gift, it does nothing to alleviate the heartache of losing the most important part of his world.

Their final goodbye had seen Toshinori kissing him as he always did, large hands holding his face gently, and whispering a soft ‘I love you’ against his lips.

Shouta would always regret slipping out of the front door, leaving his husband standing in the middle of the room with a smile on his face that Shouta now recognised as one of sadness and acceptance.

Toshinori had likely known he was near the end and had chosen to spare Shouta the agony of sitting with him as he slipped away, when in reality he would have given anything to be there in those final moments.

To hold him one last time and make sure that Toshinori knew just how much he was loved.

It’s Hizashi and David Shield who bring him back to their, his, empty apartment once all is said and done.

They are the ones who clean the kitchen for him, washing the dishes and cups that have built up over the last week, while he removes his suit and throws it across the room as he silently cries on the floor of his bedroom.

Hizashi even opens a few windows to let some fresh air in, clearing up the staleness that had taken hold, while David takes out the bins as Shouta dresses himself in one of Toshinori’s sweaters and sprays the cedarwood aftershave on it’s sleeves.

And when he climbs into bed that night, surrounded by Toshinori’s clothing and that familiar smell, it’s the two of them who lock up the apartment and promise to come back in the morning.

As emotionally exhausted as he is, it’s no surprise that his body finally begins to succumb to sleep.

Hiding his face in the sweater, tears turning the pale blue fabric a darker hue, Shouta can almost trick himself into thinking that Toshinori is just in the bathroom across the hall cleaning his teeth.

He can almost feel the bed dipping behind him, those long arms wrapping around his body while too cold toes brush against his feet. Lips brushing against the back of his head and a deep voice whispering a quiet ‘love you’ into his ear.

His body slowly, finally, begins to drag him into unconsciousness and Shouta finds himself unwilling to fight against it.

He’s just so exhausted and the waking world has little to offer him in terms of happiness, with Eri living in the UA dorms and his agency having given him leave for several weeks to readjust to the horrific change in his life, there is nothing to keep him from his maudlin…

…thoughts so he can only hope his dreams offer a more enticing reprieve. With those ghostly arms wrapped around his body and the echo of a long-silent heartbeat beneath his ear, Shouta finally succumbs to the dark, welcoming embrace of sleep.

And who knows, perhaps he will be lucky enough to see that warm smile and bright blue eyes waiting for him in his dreams.

END

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