Thread by @Deezovariez

Spent all day working hard to write, be a good & attentive parent, do housework. Made "not melting down" my priority. I succeeded, my kid went for her nap and I thought "oh! I can do woodworking now!"

I had a two hour window, & I spent the ENTIRE time looking for my rotary tool

I know I charged it in the usual place this morning. I have a vague memory of grabbing it earlier thinking it was my vape, & realizing it wasn't. But I was doing a lot this morning, and I probably just put it down wherever I was when I realized it wasn't the thing I needed

I spent two fucking precious, rare, quiet hours tearing the house apart so I could get just a tiny hit of my special interest, and of course that didn't happen. I guess I could've done other woodworking stuff, but now I just need to know where it is

Everyone has these moments sometimes, but I have them daily. Sometimes multiple times in a day, just losing something, looking for it, putting my phone down somewhere while I look for it, eventually finding it just to realize that I don't know where my phone is

I can't even imagine how much time I've lost just looking for things I've misplaced. It has to be thousands of hours by now. It's relentless. I always kinda hate myself for not getting things done in a day, but I'm losing so much time attempting to find things

I didn't melt down. I'm really really trying to not melt down. But I'm in that pre-meltdown phase where its like that jerking motion toddlers make when they're having a tantrum, but on the inside. Barely concealed. I just wanted to round the edges on some goddamn earrings

without that special interest/hyperfocus time to center me and help me recharge, I'm much more likely to have reduced frustration & sensory tolerances, my rejection sensitive dysphoria gets worse, I'm worse at reading people & responding in the ~correct~ way. Headed for meltdown

Being #AuDHD is a full time job, basically from birth. You never get to stop managing it. There is no recovery, our nerve endings never stop receiving, our emotions need constant management to regulate. I have to think about my body, what my face is doing, if my tone is correct

Didn't do a typical meltdown, but started crying when I realized that I'm probably going to need to buy a new rotary tool, which means I won't be able to get my router table *again* because other shit keeps coming up month after month. I use my rotary more than anything else

Oh goddamnit my favorite grinding bit was on the lost rotary. I'm trying to not let it build up but it's building up anyways. I can feel my throat & chest getting tight, I've been more sharp responding to people, it feels like I'm gonna explode with frustration & self-hatred

I use the fucking thing every day, how do I lose it so completely? Can't ever find anything. Even when I can find things I'm just stumbling over my own feet because my body is very weird, stiff, shaky and unsteady. Just a disaster. I'm so tired of it.