Thread by @UpshotTowers

You might recall Andy van der Meyde as an Everton flop with a penchant for Malboro Lights.

But none of Andy's mates would forget his scandalous Merseyside stint in a hurry.

From pet zebras to ditching his wife for a stripper, this is the story of a Dutch wonderkid gone wild...

In 2005, Everton paid £2 million to sign one-time wonderkid Andy van der Meyde from Inter Milan.

The Dutchman wasn't happy - he fancied a move to Monaco instead...

But his wife cancelled the move because their landlord banned her from bringing her pet camels and zebras.

So, thanks to his wife's menagerie, Andy packed his bags for the cooler climes of North West England.

Bored in his new home – and without his wife who was back in Italy carting sedated zebras onto Boeing 747s – Van der Meyde popped into town.

And he never really left...

Andy's drunken antics in Liverpool soon earned him the nickname ‘Shandy Andy’.

But it was another vice that defined his time in England.

"I had a strong longing for naked women," Andy explained after being spotted at lunchtime in a strip club with his mate's 16-year-old son.

He clearly liked what he saw – namely a Scouse dancer called Lisa – who he described as "beautiful, like Jordan".

Within months, Andy had left his wife for her.

He declared "After I’d had sex with Lisa once I was addicted. She was crazy, wild and horny."

Unfortunately, Van der Meyde was having less of an impact on the pitch.

His only notable contribution in his first season was a red card in the Merseyside derby for elbowing Xabi Alonso in the face.

Still, Shandy Andy could always fall back into the arms of the city's nightlife.

But he ended up in hospital after being spiked on a night out.

And when he was discharged, somebody broke into his house and kidnapped his dog, demanding £5,000 for its return.

In his final year at Everton, Andy branded David Moyes "a fucking prick" when he fined him for missing training.

And he called Phil Neville a "snitch" because "he told everything that was going on to the boss".

In 2009, Andy departed after 4 years, 24 appearances and 0 goals.

A couple of short spells back in the Netherlands followed, before Andy found his true calling...

In 2014, he refereed the Lingerie World Cup, and was pictured grinning gleefully surrounded by semi-naked female footballers.

All’s well that ends well.

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