When Qatar took over PSG they dreamed of paving the Champs-Élysées with Champions League trophies.
But in the last few years, things have spiralled into pure chaos.
Curb-crawling midfielders, pervy managers and masked hitmen: this is how a Parisian dream became a nightmare...
But in the last few years, things have spiralled into pure chaos.
Curb-crawling midfielders, pervy managers and masked hitmen: this is how a Parisian dream became a nightmare...
Our story begins in 2021, when midfielder Ander Herrera goes for an evening drive through a Paris park notorious for curb crawling.
Somehow, a prostitute "enters his car", snatches €200 and his phone, and legs it.
It marks the start of a terrifying PSG crime wave...
Somehow, a prostitute "enters his car", snatches €200 and his phone, and legs it.
It marks the start of a terrifying PSG crime wave...
During a league match that year, winger Angel Di Maria is suddenly subbed off and led away by boss Mauricio Pochettino.
His wife and kids have been taken hostage in an armed robbery at his home.
Marquinhos' parents are also targeted, but both families escape unharmed.
His wife and kids have been taken hostage in an armed robbery at his home.
Marquinhos' parents are also targeted, but both families escape unharmed.
And it's not only the current squad who fall victim to the criminal underworld: even the clubs' former players are sucked in.
Argentine forward Ezequiel Lavezzi is blackmailed by hackers who've got hold of some old sex tapes of him and his girlfriend.
Argentine forward Ezequiel Lavezzi is blackmailed by hackers who've got hold of some old sex tapes of him and his girlfriend.
And if you think 2021 was tough for the men's squad, wait till you hear about the women's...
Driving home from a team meal out, midfielder Kheira Hamraoui is dragged from the car by a group of masked men.
They batter her with iron bars, paying special attention to her legs.
Driving home from a team meal out, midfielder Kheira Hamraoui is dragged from the car by a group of masked men.
They batter her with iron bars, paying special attention to her legs.
With Hamraoui in hospital, her PSG teammate Aminata Diallo takes her midfield slot.
But days later, Diallo is arrested on suspicion of masterminding the attack.
Police were monitoring her phone before the assault, and caught her googling 'how to break a kneecap'.
But days later, Diallo is arrested on suspicion of masterminding the attack.
Police were monitoring her phone before the assault, and caught her googling 'how to break a kneecap'.
Diallo is released on bail, but there's more drama back at the ranch.
Manager Didier Olle-Nicole is fired after allegations of arse-grabbing.
He allegedly told one player, “You want to be spanked, you want that, right? You want to be spanked. I will spank you!"
He denies it...
Manager Didier Olle-Nicole is fired after allegations of arse-grabbing.
He allegedly told one player, “You want to be spanked, you want that, right? You want to be spanked. I will spank you!"
He denies it...
Meanwhile, things are getting toxic in the men's side.
Former player Adrien Rabiot's mother accuses PSG of "imprisoning" him in a life of "dry bread, water, and a dungeon".
And Mbappe enrages Neymar, branding him a "tramp" and calling South American football "less developed".
Former player Adrien Rabiot's mother accuses PSG of "imprisoning" him in a life of "dry bread, water, and a dungeon".
And Mbappe enrages Neymar, branding him a "tramp" and calling South American football "less developed".
As a year of carnage draws to a close there's just time for one more blow, courtesy of Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher.
"Neymar is an embarrassing little cunt" he writes on Twitter.
Unsure of how to translate it, Spanish TV simply screenshot the tweet.
"Neymar is an embarrassing little cunt" he writes on Twitter.
Unsure of how to translate it, Spanish TV simply screenshot the tweet.
And if Neymar was hoping 2022 would be gentler, it doesn't start well...
Police are called after his mum has a blazing row with her toyboy lover Tiago, 23.
The PSG star previously threatened to shove a broomstick up Tiago's arse for having an affair with Neymar's chef.
Police are called after his mum has a blazing row with her toyboy lover Tiago, 23.
The PSG star previously threatened to shove a broomstick up Tiago's arse for having an affair with Neymar's chef.
On the pitch, PSG continue to bottle it in the Champions League.
After losing 3-2 to Real Madrid, furious chairman Nasser Al-Khelaifi bursts into the Madrid dressing room screaming "I'm going to kill you!"
He then marches to the referees room, and rips up a linesman's flag.
After losing 3-2 to Real Madrid, furious chairman Nasser Al-Khelaifi bursts into the Madrid dressing room screaming "I'm going to kill you!"
He then marches to the referees room, and rips up a linesman's flag.
In the aftermath of the defeat, terrifying PSG ultras descend on the training ground.
They spot defender Lavyin Kurzawa and chase him down the road before surrounding his car and hurling abuse.
It seems a bit harsh when he only played 9 minutes all season...
They spot defender Lavyin Kurzawa and chase him down the road before surrounding his car and hurling abuse.
It seems a bit harsh when he only played 9 minutes all season...
And it's groundhog day this year, when PSG crash out of the Champions League once again.
This time it's their shiny new toy Lionel Messi who feels the wrath of the supporters.
Before their next game against Lyon, Messi's name is loudly booed and whistled by furious fans.
This time it's their shiny new toy Lionel Messi who feels the wrath of the supporters.
Before their next game against Lyon, Messi's name is loudly booed and whistled by furious fans.
Sick of divas and super-coaches, PSG brought in level-headed gaffer Christophe Galtier to steady the ship this season.
But last week that call imploded when he was accused of complaining about "too many black and Muslim players”.
Should go down well with the Qatari owners...
But last week that call imploded when he was accused of complaining about "too many black and Muslim players”.
Should go down well with the Qatari owners...
If you think PSG are bad, wait till you hear about the weird sexual psychodrama engulfing the French national team.
From sex tapes to organ harvesting, get the full story *instantly* when you sign up for our free weekly email...
Join 80k subs:
upshot.email/newsletter/ins…
From sex tapes to organ harvesting, get the full story *instantly* when you sign up for our free weekly email...
Join 80k subs:
upshot.email/newsletter/ins…
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
